Selflessness: My 2014 Resolution

I saw this quote this week and I resonated with it immensely.  I thought "wow, that describes a lot of my struggles right now."  I'm not good at saying "no."  If someone asks for my help or for a favor, no matter how much I don't want to do it, I usually say yes.  I chalk things up to "earning good karma" or just being a decent human being.  Most of the time I don't get taken advantage of.  I think this is because as helpful as I am, I am also a strong, assertive woman and most of the people in my life know and respect that about me.  However, when I am taken advantage of, I'm always the last to know.  So when I read this poster, I thought "yeah - I can say no.  I have the right to ask for a favor every now and then.  Why don't people do for me what I do for them?  I'm done crossing oceans for people who won't jump puddles for me."  I posted the quote to twitter and a sweet follower reminded me that life just doesn't work this way...

And she's right.

There are people like me for a reason.  Life isn't about give and take.  It's about giving...and when someone gives back, that's special.  That's where you find friends and allies.  We should all be open to giving a little bit of our time and energy to the people around us.  It isn't always easy to sacrifice things that we want or need for the sake of others, but every time we do, we grow a little bit.  I feel like there are a lot more people willing to lend a hand than not.  I also feel like society has made it hard to be brave enough to take that lending hand when we need it.  When did asking for help become a sign of weakness?  When did kindness and friendship become something that was difficult to believe in?

The new year is approaching and I've finally decided on a resolution:  to be more selfless.

I've always been open about my selfishness.  The first time Jordan asked me on a date, one of the first things I said was, "You don't want to date me.  I'm selfish and twisty.  I don't know my own demons, which scares me.  And when it comes down to it, I will always think of myself over others, but I rarely put me first."  I'm not proud of my selfishness, but it's easier to accept if I'm open about it.  Being open also opens the door for people in my life to openly acknowledge when I'm being selfish and help me grow into a better person.  Being honest about my flaws helps remind me that I still have room to grow and progress to make. 

So as I read the above quote again, I'm reminded that crossing oceans is just a part of life.  I should be willing to do it regardless of what will happen to me in return.  And that brings me back to one of my favorite TWLOHA quotes:

I RESOLVE TO BE SELFLESS IN 2014.

Inequality

Dear Ingles Boy,

You and your friend had a discussion last night while I was standing in the check out line.  I wasn't paying attention to your conversation.  I was worried about making sure my produce was bagged separately from my meat.  However, I did catch the tail end of your conversation involving this sentence: "What a faggot."  You did not know that I am gay.  You did not know that I heard you.  Until I spoke up.  I hope you were thoroughly embarrassed when I called over your boss and made you replay your conversation for him.  I hope that you felt ashamed when I asked you to apologize to the people waiting in line behind me for taking up so much of their time over foolishness.  But most importantly, I hope you realize how offensive that can be.  I hope you realize that "faggots" go to the grocery store just like everyone else.  I hope you understand how your words are inappropriate.  And I hope that you NEVER say that word again.

Your words did not bother me.  I've heard it all before.  It's come from the mouths of strangers.  It's come from the mouths of my own friends and family.  Hell, I've even said it a time or two.  Your words, they're nothing new to me.  But for someone else, they could be damaging...life changing.  I was standing up for the young male or female that may walk in next week, hear the same words, and leave feeling unaccepted -- like they'll never be able to express who they truly are because YOU don't have the decency to keep your opinions to yourself.  I was standing up for the principle of equality.

Equality.

Ingles boy, I know you didn't mean to walk into such a mess.  I know that you didn't even think about the words that were coming out of your mouth.  That's exactly why I had to say something.  I hope you'll begin to think before you speak.  I hope you'll be considerate of the differences around you.  I hope you'll pass the message along and that one day, you'll understand the importance of the meaning behind the things you say.

Keep working hard, Ingles boy.  And thank you for keeping my meat and produce separate.

Holiday Slow Down

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." -John F. Kennedy

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and I must admit, I'm not excited.  For most, Thanksgiving is a time to be with their families and reflect on how much you mean to one another.  For myself and most of the my friends, it's a time for us to stress over how we're going to fit a large meal and time with family in between work shifts.  Or more importantly, calling around to find out which grocery stores will be open and fully stocked with caffeine.  Thanksgiving has become more of a challenge than a holiday for me.  How do you juggle approximately 5 hours of cooking, 2 hours of cleaning, and 15 hours of working along with entertaining friends and family?  Oh, and heaven forbid and extra guest show up and you don't have enough matching plates to accommodate the unexpected addition.  Sounds like a game show to me!

Cooking the Thanksgiving turkey is my thing.  I've done it every year since Jordan and I have been together.  This is partly because Jordan's mom isn't a huge fan of cooking and partly because it's difficult to tote a 15 pound bird 4 hours up a mountain.   So every year, I cook the turkey and our families make the drive to Asheville.

Time is something that I'm always running short on, but especially this time of year.  This is the time that I forget to slow down and enjoy the holiday.  I think part of this is because I'm in retail.  For me, this is the busiest time of the year.  Everyone is shopping and everyone is rushing.  Usually the people I'm interacting with aren't concerned with what I have planned for the holidays...they're busy thinking about the to-do list that never seems to end.  From Thanksgiving to Christmas, the lives of other people cease to matter.  That's the part of the holiday that makes me sad.  We remember our own families and we're so excited to give gifts and eat turkey, but we forget to love on the people that don't get the time to spend with their families.  My job is as accommodating as they can be around the holidays, but at the end of the day, they still have a business to run.  My point is, while you're running around this season trying to finish up your to-do list, don't forget about the people who are providing a service to you rather than spending time with their own families.  Smile at us and give us your patience because we're most certainly trying our best to make your holidays wonderful.  And at the end of the day, just know that Thanksgiving and Christmas are really just about love... everything else is extra.  So if the plates on the table don't all match or a bulb on the Christmas tree goes out, just smile and remember that imperfections keep life interesting.

Powerful Words

You are powerful.  You are strong.  You are beautiful.

I had a woman tell me on Sunday that I was changing her life.  My customers have really reached out to me lately.  I've had a lot of emotional connections with women that I've spent less than an hour with and it's been a crazy time for me.  I've had so many people make specific comments that touched me deeply.  I know the client I was with on Sunday thought that I was changing her life, but really, she was changing mine.

I didn't want to be at work on Sunday.  I was tired from a long week and had the next two and half days off and I was ready for the relaxation to start.  But I care about my job and I care about my customers, so I put on my smile and went to work.  Once I got there, the day started off slow.  I was struggling just to stay awake and my nerves were on edge.  The first person that stopped by Estee Lauder that morning knew exactly what she wanted and didn't want to chat along the way, which I was perfectly okay with.  The next five customers all had difficult situations that were a struggle to resolve.  Then a client (who will remain nameless) walked up and said "You are so beautiful."  What?  I'm sorry.  Did she just say I was beautiful?  Is she joking or just blind?  Beautiful?  Now, I am a lot of things, but beautiful is not one that I get often.  Interesting.  Smart.  Determined.  Kind.  Funny.  Those are all things I hear.  But beautiful?  No.  I stopped for a second to analyze her angle and then responded with the dumbest thing I could have said, "really?"  She looked at me like I needed to take a course on how to properly accept a compliment.  This client asked if I had time to help her pick out a concealer and, of course, I did.  While we were picking out a concealer, it came up that she had a date that night and I asked if she wanted me to do her makeup for it.  She said yes and got in the chair.  I worked and she talked.  She began to talk about some pretty deep things that were going on in her life and I just listened.  When she was finished I said "wow.  It's amazing that you were able to share that."  She said "oh my gosh...I didn't even realize I was dumping on you!"  She wasn't dumping on me.  I loved hearing her story.  She had an incredible story to tell.  I didn't know how to say that to her at work so I just exchanged the words she greeted me with, "You are so beautiful."  My client cried.  Then she told me I was patient.  I didn't feel patient that day...I actually was the opposite of patient.  I was ready to go home.  I was ready to be with my family.  But I think I was supposed to be there, in that moment, to tell someone that her story mattered.

I used to walk through life very closed off.  My mental health journey has really allowed me to open myself up and allow things to come into my life.  I've opened myself up to a lot of hurt and pain, but all of that has been matched by even more love and beauty.  Sometimes we need to share our struggles.  Sometimes we need to just say what we think.  You are beautiful - That's okay to say.  Our words change people.

Our words are powerful.  We have to use them.

I'm Back!

I've been neglecting this space for a while, but for a good reason.  Sometimes I get so caught up in my to-do list that I forget "self care."  So, to take care of myself, I took a month off from "unnecessary tasks."  I love to blog.  It helps figure out myself, in a strange way.  It helps me to get things out of my head.  I love to hear from other people who are reading my blog.  I love to hear your stories -- your joy and pain.  I care about the people who read my blog.  But it can also be draining.  So it made the list of things to take a break from for a month.  However, I'm back and feeling very rejuvenated.  Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me!

Spiritual Contentment

"Worship is the act of an abandoned heart adoring its God."  -John Eldredge

I've said before that I was once more religious than I would like to admit.  When I came out, my friend's and family all assumed that I was throwing my faith to the wayside...and for a while, I did.  But after several months of soul searching and coming to terms with who I am, I decided that I do not have to choose between who I am and what I believe because my beliefs are just that, MY beliefs.  The older I get, the more I understand the place of a higher power in my life and what that means to me.  The more I listen, read, and learn, the more I realize the difference between religion as an institution and religion as a personal belief.  And before I go any further, I would just like to say, my intention in this post is not to step on any toes, but rather to sort out my personal thoughts.

I remember the first time I really felt God in my life.  I was at a summer church retreat with about 20 other kids that I had gone to church with my entire life and about 2,000 more that I had never met.  We were on the campus of Wake Forest University for a week long Student Life camp and it was empowering.  Todd Agnew (really well known Christian musician) was our worship leader for the week.  One evening, after a long day of fun and fellowship, we were at our nightly "powerhouse."  There was a schedule.  Todd Agnew was supposed to have 20 minutes to sing and then the preacher would come out and so on and so on.  Todd got up with his guitar and saw all of the eager teens waiting to hear him play and he said "I want everyone who worships loudly - all of you singers, dancers, jumpers, and hand raisers - to sit down and listen.  I want everyone who worships quietly to stand up and let loose.  It's going to feel weird and you may not like it, but try to feel God differently tonight."  Honestly, I didn't know what he meant.  Feel God?  Well, I could talk about Him and I could sing about Him and I could pray to Him VERY well...but feel him?  What's that like?  I did as I was told.  I sat down and quietly absorbed the energy of the room and the words of the music.  I began to cry.  I didn't tear up, I bawled.  I heard the words to songs that I had listened to a thousand times and I finally realized that all those words and all those moments that I thought I had spent with God were nothing compared to what I was experiencing right then.  I realized that I didn't know what Holy was.  Within 15 minutes the entire room was in the same state as I was.  Todd kept singing and the music kept playing long after his 20 minutes ended.  Eventually the preacher came out and began reciting scripture between songs, but Todd just kept going.  I could barely move, my heart was so heavy.  I remember being on my knees in the floor of an auditorium that probably hadn't been cleaned all week and looking up at the ceiling and thinking "I've spent all this time learning You from texts that don't always make sense, but I've never once asked You to just show me.  Why is this the first time I'm seeing You?"  I don't remember speaking to anyone that night.  I don't even remember getting up off of my knees, but I know I will never forget that night.  I've had other encounters with God, but none of them ever felt as real as that night.  

When I first came out, my faith slowly slipped away from me.  I began to expand my mind and think more openly.  I no longer went to church 4 days a week.  Once was enough.  My soul didn't seem to crave anything more and my religion became much less important to me.  This was mostly because of how exiled I felt from the religious community I was immersed in.  The term "Christians" began to scare me.  I didn't feel any sense of acceptance for who I was.  Who I am.  Someone explained it to me very simply once: "You don't know if you like green beans until you try them.  You don't know if you like girls until you try them.  Just don't try it, Leah."  I didn't feel the same way.  I knew I could never have a physical relationship with a man and my emotional connection with women came much more naturally to me.  So I began operating under the assumption that all Christians were just going to hate me and I should avoid them (and places they congregate) at all costs.  Several months later I found myself in the presence of someone whom I once considered my best friend.  She wouldn't speak to me or even look at me and later that evening I got an email that told me, in no uncertain terms, that my lifestyle would never be accepted by this person.  That email is what kept me away from God and the church for a very long time.  About a year later, flipping through radio stations, one of my favorite Christian songs came on: The Stand by Hillsong.  I'm not sure I would have ever opened a bible again had it not been for that song coming on that night.  

Now I'm still in the midst of working out my faith.  Jordan and I walk through it together.  We still both have different beliefs.  She believes in a very conservative translation of the bible.  I still piece together what I feel reigns true.  There are pieces of all religions that I can acknowledge and appreciate.  One day, I hope to find a place where I can worship God and not be judged for my relationship.  I'm not sure I would still label myself as a Christian.  I'm not sure what box I would check if given a form.  Maybe a box labeled "still on a path of discovery" or "somewhere between being a good person and believing something greater than me exists."  For now, I just try to love God and I try to love people...not just people who believe what I believe or do what I do.  All people. Someday I hope I'll be able to work out where I fall on the religion spectrum and how that's integrated with my daily life.  But for now, please, anyone with strong beliefs towards any religion, allow people who are different to listen to you without feeling exiled.  Allow people of different walks of life to hear what you have to say, but don't beat them down for who they are.  Open your heart to everyone and know that they may not run to you initially.  Give people like me a chance to reflect on what you have to say and make me feel like you think I'm listening.  People like Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, and Muhammad did not receive followers because they were abrasive and demanding.  They spent time with people who were different and listened to them too.  Love grows, hate destroys.  Let your beliefs be spoken in love.

"To lead the orchestra, you have to turn your back on the crowd." -Max Lucado

Busy Women

"What would happen if we all believed, just for a minute, that we are beautiful?"  -Dr. Birma Gainor

I used to do one good thing for myself a week.  Whether it be taking a long bath, having my hair done, or treating myself to ice cream, I had one thing that I did by myself and for myself a week.  Now my days are filled with working, taking care of the dogs, paying bills, running errands, cooking dinner (or more recently, picking up dinner), etc...the list goes on and on.  I don't spend much time alone.  I almost always have Jordan or one/both of the dogs with me.  I'm almost always doing something that I HAVE to do versus something that I WANT to do.  You may have noticed that I haven't been blogging much lately.  It's because I'm just so darn busy!

It's hard to not be busy.

Yep, I said it.  Almost every woman on the planet knows what I'm talking about.  Women have to be busy.  We have to be doing things for other people.  We have to take care of all of the work that surrounds us.  And if we find ourselves not busy, we're confused.  We find new things to take on because we don't understand relaxation and we most certainly cannot comprehend the idea of "self-pampering."  Then someone does it for us.  They treat us to a night out or a massage and, all of the sudden, we realize why our lives are so hard -- we don't take time for ourselves.  But as soon as you get 50 minutes into that 60 minute massage, you realize that your to-do list didn't stop growing and you decide that you do not have time for yourself.

You don't have time for yourself.

Wow.  We really don't.  I had this realization this week.  I make time for Jordan and often complain about how little time I have with her, but I don't even make time for me!  I make time for the dogs and for the errands and for work and for other commitments, but I don't have time to give myself what I want or need.  I had my hair done this week.  I was so excited to go have my hair colored because it's been a while and the roots HAD to go.  I was making a pretty drastic change (like I do every fall) so I knew it would take a while.  After being in the chair for 2 hours, I got antsy.  I had a lot to do that day and it wasn't getting done in that salon chair.  I finally realized that it had been so long since I did something nice for myself that I had forgotten how to allow myself that time.  In the end, for me at least, it all came down to self worth.

Am I beautiful?  Am I worthy?  Should I give myself this time?  If I'm going to take time out of my day for me, shouldn't it be spent exercising or reading or doing something that will benefit me?  Sister, giving yourself time does benefit you!  After I relaxed, the time I spent in that chair gave me the energy to finish my to do list that day.  I didn't feel drained and worn out.  I didn't feel like I couldn't fall asleep because I had to much to get done.  I felt...good.

Now, I know the quote at the top of this page has nothing to do with what I'm talking about right now.  But let's change that word...beautiful.  Let's make it worthy?  Available?  What if we believed that we are deserving?  I think our lives would change drastically if we thought we deserved to be treated well.  Women are too hard on themselves.  Make some time to take it easy.

Remember when your mom used to tuck you in to bed at night?  Remember how good it felt to know you were loved and cared for?  Don't lose that feeling.  Don't ever forget to love and care for yourself.