Brother Wolf Animal Rescue

"You can't rely on how you look to sustain you.  What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and for those around you.  That kind of beauty inflames the heart and enchants the soul."  -Lupita Nyongo 

One thing that I consistently crave is feeling connected and my favorite way to satisfy that craving is through a random act of kindness.  Something about the act of giving ignites a part of me that is unstoppable.  Knowing that my time, energy, money, effort, etc has made a difference makes me feel alive.  In my weakest moments, being able to do something good makes me feel a little more whole.

Today's photo is of a donation receipt.  Jordan and I spent some time picking out and purchasing items for a local, no-kill animal shelter called Brother Wolf Animal Rescue.  It's one of our favorite places to donate and one of our favorite local charities.  You can find out more about them here, if you're interested.  

I'm thankful for a soul that's ignited by the opportunity to do something good.

Photos for Purpose

"Life is more precious than I can comprehend, but believe me, I'm trying." -John O'Callaghan

I've obviously neglected this space for quite some time now.  I keep trying to write and words do come, but I push them aside or decide not to post them for fear that I'm not being honest enough or, in some cases, being far too honest.  The truth is, the space I'm in right now is not one that is conducive to giving advice.  My story of strength and hope has turned into more of a battle between life and death.  I am okay.  I've sought help.  I'm moving forward each day.  My struggles are here, they are present.  I am living in them.  However, I am living.  That is what matters most.  I cannot be a source of strength for others right now because all I have is being poured into keeping me present and rebuilding me.  I am regaining myself.  But I don't want this blog to fall to the wayside.  For so long it has been a part of my life that has given me purpose and made me feel like I have a voice and the power to make a difference somehow.  The words of kindness and appreciation, the feelings of hope, and the stories we share in this space give me joy and peace.  I don't want to lose that.

So, until I feel like I can write again, I'm going to start a series called "Photos for Purpose."  The concept is simple.  In a recent therapy session, we did an activity involving postcards, which inspired me to take pictures of things that made me feel throughout the week.  It could be any feeling.  Being able to feel something felt good.  Having that purpose, knowing I had to find something to take a picture of each day, gave me a reason to get out of bed and explore the world around me.  Some days it came easy.  Some days I had to look for beauty or pain.  But every day I was able to explore the emotions that my soul so often pushes aside these days.  The pictures helped.  The pictures gave me purpose.  I'm going to continue them here, in this space.  The layout will probably change from day to day.  Some days I will write.  Others I may simply post a photo and nothing else.  But I will commit to posting a photo a day, in whatever capacity I can handle.

Here's to the road to recovery.  And to all of you who are walking alongside of me, you are not alone.

The first photo:

"If only these treasures were not so fragile as they are precious and beautiful." 

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Robin Williams: Thank You

"For so many, living in a world of depression or personality disorder is a minutely struggle.  I'm not here to say there's a right way to cope, to survive, to thrive.  Each moment lived is a victory." -Bonnie Boyer

Jordan and I cancelled our cable last spring because we wanted to spend more time actively engaging with one another rather than just being in the same room.  We rent movies and/or watch them on Netflix, but we limit that time.  And of course, as all good women must, we'll follow our friends on Grey's Anatomy and Scandal this year through Hulu Plus. It is wonderful!  Because we have to select something particular to watch and our TV time has to be very intentional, the TV is never just on.  It is never a distraction.  We can be outdoors together.  We can read together.  We can talk or play with the dogs.  It also keeps us very disconnected from things that don't matter.  Hollywood drama does not matter.  It does not impact our lives on any level whatsoever.  I do not read about pop culture and honestly have no idea what's going on in Hollywood right now.  However, occasionally there are things that are just too big to miss.  

When I got the text about Robin Williams death, I was sitting at the dinner table with two friends and my wife.  We we laughing and chatting and just catching up.  I saw the text and set my phone to the side as to not distract from conversation.  While I've always been saddened by any sort of loss, I've always felt disconnected from Hollywood loss.  I don't know those people.  I've never met them.  I feel no kinship to my favorite actor/actress.  I don't even know if they're a good person or a bad person because I've never met them in person and I've seen them all play so many roles.  I do imagine that Robin Williams was a great man -- he brought so much joy to so many homes through his humor.  But his loss (especially not knowing what from yet) didn't seem worth interrupting our dinner with friends we hadn't seen in months.

Less than 10 minutes later our friend Elizabeth got the news...  Robin Williams - cause of death: suicide.

I know my reaction to this text will be unpopular.  I was relieved.  I've never gotten more than one of those texts a year and all I could think was "thank god it wasn't someone I love."  Being so closely intertwined to the mental health community (my wife works in it and I was a drowning in it for years), I still keep in touch with many of the people that impacted my journey.  People I met in hospitals or group therapy.  People who just understood me.  And about once a year, I get a call/text/email saying that one of them didn't make it.  It's August and that hadn't happened yet this year.  Getting the news about someone I didn't know, made me feel like someone I did know was saved.

I also think that his death has sparked an awareness in our community that could not be matched by any mediocre blog such as this one or even world wide organization such as TWLOHA.  I'm reading so many things on Facebook that directly address the mental health community and convey ideas of hope and security even amidst mental illness.  I'm seeing communities embrace heartache and pain and talk about the things everyone tries to hide.  People DO have "ideas worth spreading" and they are sharing them.  Robin Williams life may have brought our families closer, but his death is doing so much more -- it is bringing together a community that was previously forgotten and making mental health awareness a very real message in our world.  My heart aches for his family and friends and the people that truly did know him as a person...but I hope that they can find comfort in knowing the difference that he is making in the world right now.

And thank God that text wasn't one of my beloved friends this year...here's to another year of fighting guys!

Fragile Beauty

"You are worth so much more than your waistline.  You are worth the beautiful thoughts you think and the daring dreams you dream." -Savannah Brown

This week, I had a 15 minute conversation with someone who relentlessly told me how beautiful I was "now that I've lost so much weight."  She then proceeded to ask me to give her daughter guidance on how to lose weight.  Her daughter is not yet a teenager.  I was disgusted.  

I appreciate people pointing out my hard work to live a healthier lifestyle.  Since January, I have gone from a size 16 to a size 8 and I think that is something to celebrate.  I am making better decisions with my foods and living a more active lifestyle and I feel great.  But my beauty is not hinged on my waistline.  At least, it shouldn't be.

There are so many girls out there fighting battles within themselves because they don't feel beautiful.  You may have acne or too many freckles.  You may be overweight or underweight.  Your boobs may be too small or too big.  Your teeth may be crooked.  Your feet, or ears, or pinky finger may not be proportionate to the rest of your body.  WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH?!  Why isn't intelligence beautiful?  Why isn't passion beautiful?  Why isn't a sense of humor beautiful?  Why aren't we beautiful because of the things that make us wonderful?  Why are the following words ever used to describe a woman: fat, ugly, worthless?

Why are beauty, happiness, self-worth, and acceptance all the same thing in our society?

I am frustrated with this topic.  I don't even know where to begin ranting about all of the horrible things associated with the internal battle women face of feeling beautiful, worthy, and accepted.  But Savannah Brown did a pretty great job summing up my thoughts in this spoken word poem -- so just watch it.

"Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." -Dr. Brene Brown

Home: Where The Heart Is

"The ache for home lives in all of us; the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."  -Maya Angelou

Everything hurts right now.  I spend too much time trying to figure out what's going on in my head and heart, but I keep moving forward.  Forward and forward.  There is something wrong with almost everything, unless there isn't.  I've seen some of the most beautiful things in the last few weeks.  Florida has so much to offer...but when it comes down to it, I've seen all of this beauty alone and beauty with no one to share it with isn't magical at all.  What's wrong with me?  The words have been swimming around in my head for days now and the answer is so clear, but so hard to admit.  I'm homesick.

I have learned so much during this experience.  I've learned how to live with strangers and create a functional household.  I've learned how to work so hard for so little.  I've learned about safety, courtesy, show, and efficiency (more than you can imagine about those four little words).  I've learned how to pay attention to every single detail because it all counts.  I've learned to be fully functional (for a 14 hour day) on 1 or 2 hours of sleep.  I've learned that public transportation sucks and have resorted to driving almost every day to work.  But most importantly, I've learned that I belong at home surrounded by people who love and support me.

One of the reasons I accepted this offer is because I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to be on my own.  I know now that I'm okay to handle being on my own, but I don't want to.  I chose Jordan and the other people in my life because they make my life good and happy - it makes sense.  The things I thought I had missed out on shouldn't make me unhappy because they aren't even close to as great as what I did get out of life.  My life in Asheville is worth not having a "college experience" (something I really craved) or proving something to myself.  I'm happy at home and I don't think anything else could make me happier.  I like my family.  I don't know what I was looking for here, but I didn't find it.  What I did find is that my home and my heart are in Asheville and I have to go back.  I've learned that nothing in life will ever be worth more than the ones you love.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm sad to be in Florida.  I want to come home so badly.  I miss everything about my life in Asheville.  There are moments of happiness here.  They are fleeting, but they do exist.  I am okay.  I am making it.  But more than anything at all, I just want to go home.  Hey, it is Disney...maybe wishes really do come true?

"A wish is a powerful thing, especially when it comes from the heart." -Jiminy Cricket, Wishes

Happy Birthday, Jordan!

Today is a very special day.  The most important person in my life is celebrating another year of life.  And I'm not there for it.  But don't worry, I've planned an amazing day to make up for my absence.  An amazing day wouldn't be complete without a present and let me tell you, I've picked out something fabulous.  A rock.  Wait, before you go judging my decision to get Jordan a rock for her birthday, let me clarify - no it is not from a specific mountain that we hiked together on a special date; it is not a precious mineral or stone; it is not from the grand canyon; it is not a rare rock; it is not special in any way, shape, or form.  It is a rock.  It is plain, gray, and boring.  It is not overly large, nor does it have a unique shape.  It is just a plain rock.  I am really the best wife in the world, aren't I?  I know, I know...I really shouldn't have.

Okay, so why did I get Jordan a rock for her birthday?  I want Jordan to have a special day.  I love her so much and I'm so sad to not be with her on her birthday.  But I also want this day to remind her why we're apart.  The reasons we aren't together will only make our relationship stronger.  This rock represents so many things to me, and I want those things to be known to her today.  So, let's get started.

1. Like this rock, our relationship is strong and can withstand whatever adventure our lives hold.  This is the first birthday in four years we've spent apart.  It's not ideal, but we do have 80 more years of birthdays together.  The adventures we've had and the adventures that are still to come will all make up for this one adventure that we have to spend apart.  I'm so lucky to have someone that supports my dreams and appreciates my accomplishments.  I'm so proud to have found a partner that makes sacrifices (like spending birthdays alone) in order to maintain my happiness.  Today, let this rock remind you that you are strong.  That we are strong.  That I love you.  And that we have so many magical adventures to come!

2. Like this rock, this part of our journey, is just a tiny piece of a huge, beautiful picture.  This rock may have been a part of a mountain or a boulder.  It was once attached to some huge part of nature and has become smaller and smaller over time, until it became what you're holding now.  It probably took millions of years to become what it is right now.  Knowing that should make today a little easier for you -- knowing that should make today feel like a tiny dot in the course of our lives together.  We can't always see the big picture (it's hard not to focus on one day at a time), but when life comes together, things typically turn out the way they're supposed to...and that is beautiful.  Today, let this rock remind you of the big picture.

3. Like this rock, getting older just makes us fit together more perfectly.  No matter how far apart we are, I know that we are meant for one another.  With each day, there are more and more possibilities that open up around us.  As we grow as individuals, we grow closer together.  I hope that we never lose sight of the story we share together, the dreams we have for one another, and the inspiration we find within ourselves.  But most of all, I hope we can continue to grow with each other.  Today, let this rock remind you of how you fit with me. 

4. Like this rock, this isn't the last journey we'll make.  We have many years to come.  We will have graduations, and more schooling, and more graduations, and home buying, and children, and fights, and moves, and decisions, and disagreements, and all sorts of things.  We will help people and we will change people.  And people will change us.  We will have plenty of adventures over the years to come.  We have journeys to come.  This isn't the last birthday we'll spend apart.  I hope that we can fill our lives with love and happiness.  I hope that we can continue to be adventurous - take chances and live life fully.  I hope that we can live a lives that matter.  Today, let this rock remind you to be amazing in all that you do because you are an incredible woman.

I am so proud of all that you are and I'm so grateful for the value that you add to my life.  I can't imagine how different I would be without you.  Be adventurous today.  Do something you wouldn't normally.  Try something different.  And do something exactly like you always do.  Watch a movie with the puppies.  Sleep in and eat something unhealthy.  And don't wash/dry/fold any laundry!  

Happy Birthday, Jordan!

A Magical Change

In case you haven't heard, I am moving to Disney World... in two days.  I accepted a position as a part of the Disney College Program (DCP), which you are welcome to Google and find out more about.  It's really an amazing, magical experience and I am incredibly excited for it!  However, there is a question that I keep hearing over and over that I've been wanting to answer and I think the only way to give it the true, thoughtful answer it deserves is here, on this blog.  The question is this:  What are you going to gain from a Disney internship that could possibly be applicable to the rest of your life?  Aren't you a biology major - what does THIS have to do with THAT?   It's truly a valid question.  So, here's my truly valid answer.

Throughout this blog, those of you who have been with me from the beginning have watched me seek something that I have always seen as unattainable.  That something is the word "better."  I've never felt like I could ever be completely "healed" from my mental health disease.  I've always thought I would have to carry pieces of it around with me and, ya know what, I probably will.  That realization alone, is a huge step in getting "better."  Seeking a state of wellness has been so important to me - I've been so focused on it - that I've almost forgotten to live life alongside of it too.  I keep my routine and don't break it for fear of my mental health falling apart.  I'm unwilling to leave my wife and dogs for more than a day or two because they keep me stable.  My job offered financial stability that I was completely scared to step away from.  All of these things that keep me healthy have also kept me from experiencing the life that I was meant to live.  Don't get me wrong, I love my normal, happy, healthy, routine life.  But I'm ready to prove to myself that I can do more.

So, that brings us to where I'm at with the DCP.  It's time for me to prove to myself that I can live a life of adventure and still remain healthy.  I have the tools.  I know I am strong enough. I just have to be brave enough to take the first few steps - the rest will come in strides.  DCP is going to offer me a chance at a college experience that I never had.  It's going to give me time to find who I am as an adult, living a life of wellness.  It's going to prove to me that "better" is attainable.  Something about leaving behind everything that has offered me stability over the last few years makes me feel wildly adventurous and oddly free from my disease.  And frankly, it also scares the shit out of me.  Trust me, I have had my moments in preparing for the move.  I broke down several times over having to find and get acquainted with a new grocery store.  I have stressed over my food allergies more than one can imagine.  I broke down when I dropped the dogs off for haircuts yesterday because Waggers (most amazing groomers in Asheville - I highly recommend them) is so nice and they always say sweet things about our babies.  And I have no idea if I'm packing too much or too little (I doubt I'm packing too little), which I also cried about yesterday.  Change does not come easy and moving away from what you know and love will induce anxiety in even the calmest of folks.  I will be okay.  I will be strong.  I'm ready to start this journey.  And when I'm back in January, we will celebrate my homecoming...and my wellness.

Thank you all for your love and support!  See you in Florida (: