Celebrate Love

We went to the most beautiful and real wedding today. We loved the opportunity to share this moment with some of our favorite relatives. So today's photo celebrates love.

"These are the hands of your best friend..."

A Secret Spot

"I hope you wake up feeling strong, powerful, and capable."

Brother Wolf Animal Rescue

"You can't rely on how you look to sustain you.  What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and for those around you.  That kind of beauty inflames the heart and enchants the soul."  -Lupita Nyongo 

One thing that I consistently crave is feeling connected and my favorite way to satisfy that craving is through a random act of kindness.  Something about the act of giving ignites a part of me that is unstoppable.  Knowing that my time, energy, money, effort, etc has made a difference makes me feel alive.  In my weakest moments, being able to do something good makes me feel a little more whole.

Today's photo is of a donation receipt.  Jordan and I spent some time picking out and purchasing items for a local, no-kill animal shelter called Brother Wolf Animal Rescue.  It's one of our favorite places to donate and one of our favorite local charities.  You can find out more about them here, if you're interested.  

I'm thankful for a soul that's ignited by the opportunity to do something good.

Photos for Purpose

"Life is more precious than I can comprehend, but believe me, I'm trying." -John O'Callaghan

I've obviously neglected this space for quite some time now.  I keep trying to write and words do come, but I push them aside or decide not to post them for fear that I'm not being honest enough or, in some cases, being far too honest.  The truth is, the space I'm in right now is not one that is conducive to giving advice.  My story of strength and hope has turned into more of a battle between life and death.  I am okay.  I've sought help.  I'm moving forward each day.  My struggles are here, they are present.  I am living in them.  However, I am living.  That is what matters most.  I cannot be a source of strength for others right now because all I have is being poured into keeping me present and rebuilding me.  I am regaining myself.  But I don't want this blog to fall to the wayside.  For so long it has been a part of my life that has given me purpose and made me feel like I have a voice and the power to make a difference somehow.  The words of kindness and appreciation, the feelings of hope, and the stories we share in this space give me joy and peace.  I don't want to lose that.

So, until I feel like I can write again, I'm going to start a series called "Photos for Purpose."  The concept is simple.  In a recent therapy session, we did an activity involving postcards, which inspired me to take pictures of things that made me feel throughout the week.  It could be any feeling.  Being able to feel something felt good.  Having that purpose, knowing I had to find something to take a picture of each day, gave me a reason to get out of bed and explore the world around me.  Some days it came easy.  Some days I had to look for beauty or pain.  But every day I was able to explore the emotions that my soul so often pushes aside these days.  The pictures helped.  The pictures gave me purpose.  I'm going to continue them here, in this space.  The layout will probably change from day to day.  Some days I will write.  Others I may simply post a photo and nothing else.  But I will commit to posting a photo a day, in whatever capacity I can handle.

Here's to the road to recovery.  And to all of you who are walking alongside of me, you are not alone.

The first photo:

"If only these treasures were not so fragile as they are precious and beautiful." 

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Robin Williams: Thank You

"For so many, living in a world of depression or personality disorder is a minutely struggle.  I'm not here to say there's a right way to cope, to survive, to thrive.  Each moment lived is a victory." -Bonnie Boyer

Jordan and I cancelled our cable last spring because we wanted to spend more time actively engaging with one another rather than just being in the same room.  We rent movies and/or watch them on Netflix, but we limit that time.  And of course, as all good women must, we'll follow our friends on Grey's Anatomy and Scandal this year through Hulu Plus. It is wonderful!  Because we have to select something particular to watch and our TV time has to be very intentional, the TV is never just on.  It is never a distraction.  We can be outdoors together.  We can read together.  We can talk or play with the dogs.  It also keeps us very disconnected from things that don't matter.  Hollywood drama does not matter.  It does not impact our lives on any level whatsoever.  I do not read about pop culture and honestly have no idea what's going on in Hollywood right now.  However, occasionally there are things that are just too big to miss.  

When I got the text about Robin Williams death, I was sitting at the dinner table with two friends and my wife.  We we laughing and chatting and just catching up.  I saw the text and set my phone to the side as to not distract from conversation.  While I've always been saddened by any sort of loss, I've always felt disconnected from Hollywood loss.  I don't know those people.  I've never met them.  I feel no kinship to my favorite actor/actress.  I don't even know if they're a good person or a bad person because I've never met them in person and I've seen them all play so many roles.  I do imagine that Robin Williams was a great man -- he brought so much joy to so many homes through his humor.  But his loss (especially not knowing what from yet) didn't seem worth interrupting our dinner with friends we hadn't seen in months.

Less than 10 minutes later our friend Elizabeth got the news...  Robin Williams - cause of death: suicide.

I know my reaction to this text will be unpopular.  I was relieved.  I've never gotten more than one of those texts a year and all I could think was "thank god it wasn't someone I love."  Being so closely intertwined to the mental health community (my wife works in it and I was a drowning in it for years), I still keep in touch with many of the people that impacted my journey.  People I met in hospitals or group therapy.  People who just understood me.  And about once a year, I get a call/text/email saying that one of them didn't make it.  It's August and that hadn't happened yet this year.  Getting the news about someone I didn't know, made me feel like someone I did know was saved.

I also think that his death has sparked an awareness in our community that could not be matched by any mediocre blog such as this one or even world wide organization such as TWLOHA.  I'm reading so many things on Facebook that directly address the mental health community and convey ideas of hope and security even amidst mental illness.  I'm seeing communities embrace heartache and pain and talk about the things everyone tries to hide.  People DO have "ideas worth spreading" and they are sharing them.  Robin Williams life may have brought our families closer, but his death is doing so much more -- it is bringing together a community that was previously forgotten and making mental health awareness a very real message in our world.  My heart aches for his family and friends and the people that truly did know him as a person...but I hope that they can find comfort in knowing the difference that he is making in the world right now.

And thank God that text wasn't one of my beloved friends this year...here's to another year of fighting guys!

Fragile Beauty

"You are worth so much more than your waistline.  You are worth the beautiful thoughts you think and the daring dreams you dream." -Savannah Brown

This week, I had a 15 minute conversation with someone who relentlessly told me how beautiful I was "now that I've lost so much weight."  She then proceeded to ask me to give her daughter guidance on how to lose weight.  Her daughter is not yet a teenager.  I was disgusted.  

I appreciate people pointing out my hard work to live a healthier lifestyle.  Since January, I have gone from a size 16 to a size 8 and I think that is something to celebrate.  I am making better decisions with my foods and living a more active lifestyle and I feel great.  But my beauty is not hinged on my waistline.  At least, it shouldn't be.

There are so many girls out there fighting battles within themselves because they don't feel beautiful.  You may have acne or too many freckles.  You may be overweight or underweight.  Your boobs may be too small or too big.  Your teeth may be crooked.  Your feet, or ears, or pinky finger may not be proportionate to the rest of your body.  WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH?!  Why isn't intelligence beautiful?  Why isn't passion beautiful?  Why isn't a sense of humor beautiful?  Why aren't we beautiful because of the things that make us wonderful?  Why are the following words ever used to describe a woman: fat, ugly, worthless?

Why are beauty, happiness, self-worth, and acceptance all the same thing in our society?

I am frustrated with this topic.  I don't even know where to begin ranting about all of the horrible things associated with the internal battle women face of feeling beautiful, worthy, and accepted.  But Savannah Brown did a pretty great job summing up my thoughts in this spoken word poem -- so just watch it.

"Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." -Dr. Brene Brown

Home: Where The Heart Is

"The ache for home lives in all of us; the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."  -Maya Angelou

Everything hurts right now.  I spend too much time trying to figure out what's going on in my head and heart, but I keep moving forward.  Forward and forward.  There is something wrong with almost everything, unless there isn't.  I've seen some of the most beautiful things in the last few weeks.  Florida has so much to offer...but when it comes down to it, I've seen all of this beauty alone and beauty with no one to share it with isn't magical at all.  What's wrong with me?  The words have been swimming around in my head for days now and the answer is so clear, but so hard to admit.  I'm homesick.

I have learned so much during this experience.  I've learned how to live with strangers and create a functional household.  I've learned how to work so hard for so little.  I've learned about safety, courtesy, show, and efficiency (more than you can imagine about those four little words).  I've learned how to pay attention to every single detail because it all counts.  I've learned to be fully functional (for a 14 hour day) on 1 or 2 hours of sleep.  I've learned that public transportation sucks and have resorted to driving almost every day to work.  But most importantly, I've learned that I belong at home surrounded by people who love and support me.

One of the reasons I accepted this offer is because I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to be on my own.  I know now that I'm okay to handle being on my own, but I don't want to.  I chose Jordan and the other people in my life because they make my life good and happy - it makes sense.  The things I thought I had missed out on shouldn't make me unhappy because they aren't even close to as great as what I did get out of life.  My life in Asheville is worth not having a "college experience" (something I really craved) or proving something to myself.  I'm happy at home and I don't think anything else could make me happier.  I like my family.  I don't know what I was looking for here, but I didn't find it.  What I did find is that my home and my heart are in Asheville and I have to go back.  I've learned that nothing in life will ever be worth more than the ones you love.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm sad to be in Florida.  I want to come home so badly.  I miss everything about my life in Asheville.  There are moments of happiness here.  They are fleeting, but they do exist.  I am okay.  I am making it.  But more than anything at all, I just want to go home.  Hey, it is Disney...maybe wishes really do come true?

"A wish is a powerful thing, especially when it comes from the heart." -Jiminy Cricket, Wishes