Life After Death - A Memorial

Today is the one year anniversary of my step father's death.  Approximately a year ago, I posted the things that I learned from him in his final days.  As it turns out, I haven't actually stopped learning lessons from the guy.  And that's what I want to share with you today.

1. Do something different.

I watched my mom spend a little bit of time being really really heartbroken.  And then I watched her change.  She didn't know what was right or what was wrong, all she knew was that she needed something different because what she was doing wasn't working.  She signed up for a pottery class, took a trip to somewhere she'd never been, started doing home improvement projects.  Anything that made her feel good, she kept doing.  If it made her feel bad, she moved on to something else.  I'm not sure why we wait until we're miserable to make a change.  We can decide that we want to do something different simply because we want to or because we believe that happiness exists and that we aren't doomed to mediocrity.  So try it.  Whatever it is that you've been thinking about, do it.  And whatever that thing is in your life that you dread doing every day or week or month...just stop.  Give yourself permission to excuse yourself from unwanted tasks.

2. It's okay to be selfish, just not all the time.

We all needed different things when Tim passed.  Some of us wanted space.  Some of us wanted family.  Some of us wanted to be near the things that remind us of him while others wanted to be as far away as possible.  There were those who needed to be reminded every day that he'll never be forgotten while others wanted the thoughts of him to quiet down for just a few minutes.  The fact of the matter is, we all deal with grief differently.  And we all have to deal with our grief.  It was important to know when it's your turn.  Being selfish is completely fine.  You deserve it.  Whether you're the widow or a third cousin's friend, you get to grieve.  But also know that, through this process, you can gain so much from other's grief too.  We were stronger together.  And allowing one another to process what they needed when they needed, kept us strong.

3. Don't show up alone.

My mom has been so brave this year.  It has been incredible to watch her heal (she's still in the process, but every day is progress for her).  I wrote her a letter 3 days after his passing about how important it is to continue to show up for life, even when she doesn't feel like it.  But what I've learned from her is how much strength it takes to say "I can't show up alone today."  You guys, she's really so strong.  She wakes up every day and puts on a suit of armor and goes out to fight life like a badass, then she comes home, takes it all off and still makes time to check in about how my day is going.  She's been stubborn and independent her whole life and she's not the type of person that takes no for an answer.  To watch someone like that do that every day, one day wake up and say "today I need help," well, it's beautiful.  Seeing a strong person admit their vulnerability gave me hope.  It reminded me that it's okay to not be okay.  And I realized what I didn't know a year ago is that, while my mom has it in her to show up, she should never be expected to show up alone.  Show up, do.  But take your supports into battle with you.  If you forget your shield that day, ask if you can borrow theirs.  Let them support you.  Let them keep you safe.  Maybe the next day you'll feel strong enough to fight alone, but if you don't that's okay too.

I'm really proud of my family for this past year for various reasons, but I'm not sure this post would be complete without taking just a minute to remember what we lost.  This will be a hard day for so many people.  I have so much respect for my sisters, who have exhibited an immense amount of strength through this loss.  For their children, who keep his memory alive.  For friends and family from all around the world who never stopped sending cards, checking in with phone calls, or even writing books about how incredible he was.  From our family to yours, thank you.  We love you.  And we appreciate all you've done to support us this year.

Any Reason Not To

I've been thinking about this blog a lot lately and the idea of potentially writing again keeps fluttering by.  Then the excuses compound and "I'll write on Tuesday" turns into "I work a long day Saturday and just don't feel like it" and then the blog just never happens.  But then something happened...And I realized that this blog has given me hope in the past, and right now that's what I need.

Last week was the worst week I've had in terms of recovery since leaving treatment.  I was very honest with my treatment team about what was going on and how hard the week had been and how much I messed up.  I have a pretty firm team and while they were grateful for the honesty, they all had the same question: What's it going to take to get you back on track?  How can we make this a lapse in judgment and not a relapse into the eating disorder?  In a later conversation, I was reminded of the anniversary of my step-father's death.  It's coming and it's coming fast.  I remembered how comforting this blog was to me and my family and to so many of those around us in that time.  That spurred some reflection.  Not so coincidentally, I found that almost any time I needed an outlet, support, understanding, or to feel like I could make a small difference in the world, this blog has been there for me.  I've been feeling like I can't be successful in recovery lately.  Like it's too hard or that I'm a hopeless cause.  So it's clear to me that it's time to make time.

There's a poem I like called "Any Reason Not To" and in the poem, the poet says "because any reason not to is a good reason."  I don't know that I can write my way through every single moment of weakness, but if this blog can be my "reason not to" even just once, then it's a skill that's worked. 

So for today, I just want to tell you a story.

Last week, while at work, I met quite the quirky woman.  She was tall with gray hair and a whimsical spirit.  She was sitting in my makeup chair and we were discussing the importance of sunscreen when she announced that while she agreed sunscreen was important, it wasn't a priority for her.  I didn't question it, I just kept working.  But then she said, "I'm not worried about sunscreen because I look really great in hats!  I love to wear a big floppy hat or something sassy.  And I look so good in them."  I was immediately drawn to her.  This seemed so brave to me.  A woman who wasn't movie star beautiful, a size 00, or the CEO of a company just complimented herself...to a stranger.  And she meant it.  She appreciated something about herself and was completely comfortable with saying it out loud.  

As a society, we hate ourselves far too much.  There's not enough encouraging self talk and far too much criticism.  We create these standards and make beauty this unattainable thing, when in reality, the beauty we all hold is in the parts of us that are already there, not the things we want to change.  So, in sticking with this "any reason not to" theme - what if we found any reason not to put ourselves down?  What if we dug deep and searched for any reason not to compare our thigh fat to the model on the cover of a magazine's thigh gap?  What if we just embraced any reason not to hate our bodies?  What if we just loved ourselves...and what if we took that one step further and actually said the things we loved about ourselves and each other OUT LOUD?  

This idea of spreading self-love, self-appreciation, and self-acceptance can't hurt us, so why not try? 

A Letter to Your Insecure Self

Dear You,

Right now, you're feeling like you aren't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or just plain enough.  Right now, you're stuck in your head comparing your body, your intelligence, or your circumstances to some other person.  Right now, you feel ashamed about that extra cookie you ate at dinner or for choosing regular over diet coke.  Right now, you're feeling insecure.  And right now is the time to stop.

It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm not special or better than someone else for being able to resist potato chips at a party or choose water over soda and I'm still working on believing it.  I know that underneath my body is still me.  No matter how thin you get, you are still who you are.  No matter how tan you are, no matter how much makeup you wear, no matter how many languages you can speak - your name is still the same and my worth is still based on your intrinsic self.  Society doesn't quite see it this way.  We can talk big.  We can say we value things underneath the surface, but the fact of the matter is your Facebook news feed is still full of girls showing off how many pounds they've recently lost (guilty!) and guys snapping a picture of themselves lifting at the gym (also guilty!).

You are capable of so much more.

"You are worth so much more than your waistline.  You are worth the beautiful thoughts you think and the daring dreams you dream."  What do you care about beyond your body?  Where does your heart lie?  There is so much more to you than your body.  You are caring, kind, and compassionate.  You are loving and giving.  You are loved by so many people, not for what you are, but for who you are.  Your soul is beautiful and the world could see more of it if we laid down these insecurities and lived our lives openly, with vulnerability.

When is the last time you felt pride?  When did you allow yourself to share that with the world?  Why can't you say to the world around you "today, I feel good!'?  It's okay to feel insecure, but it's not okay to sacrifice your life over your insecurities.  Lean into the insecurity and allow yourself to meet yourself again.  Your true, authentic self.

Even though you have nothing to be insecure about, this process will be difficult.  But you are brave.  Show the world who you are beyond your body.  Embrace what you want in life.  Live the life you've always imagined.

Love,
A Confident You

Forgive Yourself

"We all have different reasons for forgetting to breathe." -Andrea Gibson

Last night I spent approximately 3 hours watching grown men pound other grown men into the walls of a hockey arena so hard that you could feel the rattle in your chest.  It was full on brutal body checking.  Body Checking.  My eating disorder has given that word a whole new meaning.  Body checking is the pinching and pulling I do in front on the mirror.  It's standing a certain way or choosing not to breathe because my self worth seems to be completely reliant on a single word: skinny.  Body checking is also the noticing.  The comparing.  Her arms don't do that, her legs have more muscle than mine.  These are thoughts that play over and over in my head.  I don't know how they all got there, but what I realized last night is that my brain and hockey aren't all that different. Every time one of those thoughts comes, it's like being thrown into a wall.  Your emotions run wild and you aren't sure how to respond.  Sometimes you aren't even sure what hit you.

In my experience, eating disorders are greatly misunderstood.  That's why I wanted to explain a little bit about body checking today.  I can't, in a single paragraph, come close to explaining how painful and awful it actually is to notice your and every one around you's bodies every minute of every day.  I simply don't have the words to convey it.  However, I can convey that it hurts and that's a start.  I haven't updated in a while and my intention today was to give a little insight into what's happening in my life.

I'm in a new treatment center.  After multiple attempts at a lower level of aftercare, we realized that I simply wasn't ready to transition to a lower level of care.  I joined the partial hospitalization program at a facility in Raleigh, NC a few weeks ago.  I'm really enjoying the program, as much as one can enjoy treatment.  They certainly push me to my edge, every single day.  It's a very "hands on" program.  You're forced to face your fears nearly every day.

This time in treatment, I have given up my right to sign myself out.  I am sticking it out until my team says it is a good time for me to return home.  I want to be committed to wellness and I know that I am not in a wise mind to make decisions for myself when I get emotional or angry about having to eat something I don't want to eat or talk about a touchy subject.  I am trusting my team to make good decisions for me and have taken the option of quitting off of the table.  I also turned in all of my laxatives and scales.  I have given up a great deal of control, however I would be lying if I said I didn't know my weight.  I was told on accident at the doctor's office prior to admitting at Carolina House and then I weighed myself once after that.  Numbers are hard, especially when they aren't what we're used to seeing.  Being forced to gain weight has been the most difficult part of this process.

I've decided to give up alcohol for the New Year.  One year of sobriety, to see how that impacts my life, my social circle, and my recovery.  I'm excited for the change, but it has been harder than I expected and I wouldn't have considered myself a heavy drinker at all before!  I'm open to any ideas of how to embrace sobriety.

I do want to end this update with a short wisdom.  I'm learning a lot in treatment and right now the biggest lesson I'm having to embrace is this: suspend judgment and forgive yourself often.  We're quick to pass judgement on ourselves.  We put ourselves down for the work we do or the choices we make.  The world does enough to make us feel bad.  Back yourself up every now and then.  Let someone else judge you, you don't have to judge you.  Forgiveness is key to getting back up after we fall.  Mistakes are inevitable.  So when you do make a mistake, get off track, or just can't hold back judgement on whatever you've done, remember to forgive yourself afterwards.  Forgive yourself and then move on.  Reliving whatever horrible thing you've only traps your soul in a space where you can't go on to do beautiful things later.  So just forgive yourself and do it often.

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery."

Recovery Update: Counting Down, Not Up!

"Follow all that excites your soul." -SC

Recommendation written 10/20/2015

There comes a point in recovery where you've gained all you can gain from a treatment center.  I'm not sure if I'm at that point, but my team says this feeling is normal.  My team says I'm ready.  I'm coming home on October 28 and I'm... terrified.  I have a lot of emotions.  I'm excited.  I'm pumped.  I know I'm as ready as I could possibly be.  However, leaving the cushy world of ERC where I know even when bad things happen I'm completely supported - that's scary.  But, don't worry.  I'm transitioning to a lower level of care.  I'll be home for about 5 days.  Just long enough for me to try my hardest and room for a little error.  Time for me to find my strengths, find my weaknesses, and see room for growth.  Then, I'll head to Wilmington, NC to begin the next stage of treatment which will be about 1/3 of the care that I receive now.  It's going to be good.  I know I can do it.  I also know that when I struggle, I will have a lot of support behind me.

I'm very excited to see friends and family and reconnect with people I've been away from for almost two months.  I'm also excited to share meals with people and remember how exciting that can be.  It's been a long time since walking into a restaurant felt okay (still not natural, but we're getting there).  My brain is coming back - I can have conversations without spacing out, losing my train of thought, or feeling utterly confused.  I don't repeat myself 4 times and get frustrated when people aren't understanding what I'm trying to say.  It's a life I once had and a life I'm coming back to.  I'm excited for it.  I'm motivated to achieve it.

Switching gears slightly, the quote at the top was from a goodbye card that I received from someone I met at Eating Recovery Center.  She's one of the most amazing people I've met along this journey - truly a beautiful soul.  The words have really hit me.  Follow all that excites your soul... wow.  Maybe read that again and let it sink in.  She didn't say to only follow what excites you, because we all have responsibilities that we'd rather not deal with.  But we are directed to follow everything that excites us.  What if we lived in a world where we pursued everything we thought was good, happy, or well?  Would we be living in wellness?  I love it.

So, in 4 days I'll be in North Carolina.  But there's plenty of challenges to be faced before I make it there.  This morning I have a breakfast challenge (Panera).  Tomorrow I will be cooking dinner.  And Wednesday I have to do an entire day worth of meals and snacks on my own (good vibes and happy text messages accepted that day).  

Here's to 4 more days with ERC, but a lifetime of moving towards recovery.

Update: Recovery Day 19

"We are going to have to let the truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us." -Beth Moore

I thought this process was hard from the minute I walked through the door, but this week it was fucking brutal.  There was no amount of success that could conquer the demons and challenges that seemed to overtake my world.  There were at least 50 times that I wanted to quit: sign a 72 hour (or maybe not), discharge, and go home.  But it wasn't home that I wanted to go back to - it was my eating disorder and the comfort of control.  Instead of running, I am fighting.  Because the next time I go home, I want to return a whole person, not just pieces of a body that I've destroyed for a peace of mind I'll never find inside of destructive behaviors.

For this update, I want to give you a little insight into my world in treatment.  A little bit of the good and a little bit of the bad.  So, here's a few of the challenges and successes from the week.

I took my first snack pass.  I went with a peer to a smoothie bar in Colorado.  The woman who helped us was overly helpful to a fault.  She pointed out where the caloric value was on the menu, which smoothies had more protein than others, etc.  However, I was able to stick to my meal plan and order what my dietitian and I had discussed in advance.  About 3/4 of the way through the smoothie, I felt overly full and wasn't willing to finish the snack, my peer had similar feelings.  For a brief moment, we realized no one would know if we didn't complete our snack.  However, we ended up holding one another accountable, being partners in recovery, and completing the snack together.  This felt like a huge success.  After walking around for a few minutes, the discomfort of being full passed, and we returned to program feeling accomplished.

A really huge challenge for me this week has been a meal increase.  Adding even more food into my diet was a struggle seeing as I've been struggling with the amount they require I eat already, but maintaining a healthy weight is a priority and eating a certain amount of food is required to maintain that weight.  I wasn't able to complete any meals for two days immediately after the increase, which was a huge frustration.  However, the meal increase was partially my own fault and I have to take accountability for that.  When you first arrive at Eating Recovery Center, you're asked to refrain from exercising completely to take away any behavior that may be disordered.  I have not followed that rule and as such have continued to lose weight while being in treatment.  I came forward about this behavior this week and have since stopped exercising.  However, taking away that coping skill (the relief from fullness, the awareness that your body is burning off some of what you ate, the endorphins) has made this week that much harder.

I'm learning to use my voice here.  They preach that a lot.  I don't do things in a small way.  Yesterday I used my voice with the clinical director.  I was scared shitless, but knowing I was heard to the highest level of authority felt amazing.  I  also felt like, if I can do that - if I can request a meeting with a woman I've met twice and tell her exactly how I feel in a clear and concise manner - what can't I do?

From 6-10 each night we are free to use our time as we please as long as we are following specific rules and guidelines set forth to maintain a recovery focused environment such as no drinking, no hiking, etc.  One night this week I went to target to get some bandages and Neosporin.  The Bandaids happen to be on the same aisle as the laxatives which was really difficult, but being able to avoid that behavior while being alone and knowing that no one would have found out felt really good.  On a different night, I went with a friend to a play which was super exciting and just fun!!

I'm sure there are a million other things that have happened this week, this feels like just a glimpse.  When you spent 11 hours a day/7 days a week in treatment, talking about your feelings and working through your entire life story, you have a lot of emotions just running around.  But this is a pretty good screen shot of my life lately.  I've been writing back to letters I've received so keep an eye on your mailboxes!  Thanks again for all of the support - I'll keep updating as time permits.

"Be kind to your body and critical of our society's devotion to thinness."

Update: Recovery Day 5

"This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity.  That's it.  It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love."  - Emily McDowell

Today is day 5 in recovery.  Five days of food.  Five days of being pushed to my limits.  Five days of not restricting.  Five days of no laxatives.  Five days without exercise.  Five days without vomiting.  Five days of intense feeling.  Five days of being fully aware of my body for every single second.  Five days of discovery, reality, and down right hard work.  To say that this has been hard is a gross understatement.  Every minute is a challenge.  From sitting at a table staring and what my eating disorder tells me is a ridiculous amount of food to the challenge of feeling full and not being able to engage in a behavior to relieve that feeling.  I am learning my eating disorder was more than just my friend, it was my identity.  However, I am also learning that recovery is realistic, if I really want it.

One lesson I'm learning in a really tough way here is to surrender my perfectionism.  I certainly don't have it all together.  And while I am GREAT at having an eating disorder, hiding an eating disorder, and taking care of my eating disorder, I'm not so perfect at telling my eating disorder that I'd like my life back now.  Because my eating disorder got really comfortable with bullying me and I'm really good at giving in.  In my first 5 days here, I've been on the smallest meal plan the dietitians offer, in efforts to ease your way in to eating again.  Even on that smallest meal plan, I've only completed every single meal in a day once.  And I haven't gone a single day without crying at the table, struggling with feelings of fullness and worries of the changes occurring now that I am refueling my body, along with other struggles.  Eventually they will add more food to my plate and that scares the shit out of me.  But I've learned that none of these negative things matter.  Because at Eating Recovery Center we don't talk about our failures.  We celebrate our victories.  And the victory is, I might not be able to finish every meal, but I tried.  And I might feel full and have awful thoughts about myself, but I'm recognizing that those thoughts are my eating disorder, not reality.  And this week, what I'm most celebrating and extremely grateful for is this: no matter how hard it gets, I'm ready to fight because I feel worth it and not only are those words okay to say, they should be said, over and over and over again.

I feel worth it.

One thing we're really big on here is giving gratitude for the people who are aiding in your recovery.  Someone who may have just lifted your spirits or lent a hand when you really needed it or maybe encouraged you to attend a group you wouldn't have tried on your own.  So right now I just want to give gratitude to my wife, Jordan.  Because I needed help a lot more than I realized.  Being here is important and is quite possibly saving my life.  She pushed me to seek out a higher level of care in the most caring and supportive way imaginable.  I know this is hard for her too, but she's been supportive the entire way and I could not be more grateful to have someone like that by my side along this journey.

Finally, I just want to say that I love hearing from everyone!  Kind words and encouragement really do help me get through the day.  That being said, engaging in conversations about food and/or my body is really hard at this point.  I'm working very hard to normalize food and body image in my life, but for right now I'd like to redirect those conversations to almost any other topic.  I really appreciate respect for this boundary because by doing so all of you are aiding in my recovery!