Valued Pain

"I think every life has incredible value and I know how it feels not to be able to believe that.  I want everyone to know their story is incredibly important, no matter what's written on the pages." -Emily, TWLOHA

I spend a lot of time building up people around me.  I think about the people I meet and their stories.  I hurt for those around me.  I take on their pain and share in their struggle and I try to give them hope.  Even when I'm hopeless, I'm a source of strength for those around me.  I don't think I've always been this way -- I think I took on a great deal of struggle to gain my understanding of pain.  Family, friends, coworkers, even strangers - all of them matter to me.  Their stories live with me.  My heart hurts for them.  I fight for them because I wouldn't be alive today if people hadn't fought for me.  I also encourage them to fight for themselves...because I wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't fought for me.

Right now, I am hurting.  I'm stressed out.  I'm tired from fighting.  I'm feeling a lot of things falling around me all at once.  With all of the good things happening in my life, there are also a lot of sudden changes, complications, and added stress from decisions that will change my life.  There's no time for rest and rejuvenation.  I don't have time for me and it's hurting me.  I'm struggling to fight and let's be honest, that's not a good place to be.  I'm feeling defeated.  However, in the midst of my own pain, I still seem to be fighting for those around me.  I can't get a grip on my own life, but I can fight long and hard for the ones I care for.

I know what pain is.  I'm feeling it now.  I'm hanging on by a thread, but I AM hanging on.  There is something different about this fight than any of my previous struggles though: I WANT to hang on.  I want to try.  I want to be okay.  I believe that I deserve to live, which is an incredible feeling.  I believe that I have earned my life and the right to make decisions regarding how I spend it...and I do intend to spend it well.  I will be brave and strong because I've fallen harder, faster, and more emotionally than this before.  However, I can't fight for me right now.  I can fight for those around me.  I can hold on for them.  I can live because I know that I make a difference in their lives, but I can't fight for me.  I can't hurt for me.  I can't be there for me.

So, thank you, to those who are prevalent in my life, for your struggles.  Thank you, strangers, for sharing your stories with me.  Thank you for offering your own pain and for trusting me with your vulnerabilities.  It has given me something to fight for.  Standing for something is better than falling for nothing.  Your stories are important to me!

"Failure is not falling down, it's staying down."  -Renee Yohe

Scared to Live

"Just because you are scarred for life, doesn't mean you should be scared to live."  -Brian Celio

I felt myself dragging last week.  I caught myself thinking negatively more frequently than usual.  As soon as I saw the first signs of myself slipping I thought, "Oh no, here it is.  I knew I wasn't better.  Better doesn't exist."  But then I thought, "Why can't it?"

What does "better" look like?  Is it a family or hard earned education?  Is it a state of mind or a state of being?  Is it the same or different for everyone?  Is "better" something I can achieve fully or something I must strive towards every single day?  I'm sure there is someone out there who is an expert on the philosophy of achieving something "better."  I am not that person, but I do have a personal opinion on the matter: perhaps better isn't something we can or even should strive for.  Maybe better isn't a word with any bearing whatsoever on our lives.  Perhaps, instead of striving for "better" we should strive for something more measurable.  The problem with words like "better" and "stable" and "healthy" is that they aren't conclusive.  Those words hold little to no meaning when used out of context.  Maybe instead of striving for "better" we should strive for things like sleeping regularly, eating full meals (three times a day), and getting out of the house, or even just out of bed, just because we want to.  (Those of you who have never experienced a deep depression before don't understand how much of an undertaking those tasks are when you are deeply depressed -- trust me, you can go days without eating or sleeping and never leaving your bed/house...you don't know until you've been there just how hard those things can be.)  Eating, sleeping, and being active are things we can see -- we can measure them.  These goals are attainable -- we can reach them because we know exactly what results we are attempting to achieve.

I'd like to think that I'm not scared of falling back into the depression that once ruled my life.  I'd like to think that I AM really "better" and that I will never slip again.  The truth is, I don't know .  I don't know if the worst is over or if the worst is yet to come.  I don't know how many more times I will contemplate ending my own life.  I don't know if I'll ever be THAT irrational again.  And the fact that I don't know those things scares the hell out of me.  Today, I feel good.  Last week, I didn't.  Who knows what the future holds.  Eventually, I will die.  It could be tomorrow, it could be 80 years from now.  It could be from old age, disease, or self harm.  When you've brushed death as closely as I have, as many times as I have, on your own free will, the word "death" stops scaring you and starts to feel, well, normal.  What begins to scare you is your comfort level with the topic of death and your knowledge of the mental health system.  I guess, for now, I just have to appreciate the life I have and the time I am given to live it.  I have to continue to develop my skills that I use to combat depression.  And I have to write...and share what I have written and hope that someone out there understands my insatiable desire to grasp hold of any and everything that gives me reason to live.

I Believe

I believe if I knew where I was going
I'd lose my way
I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave
I know that we are not the weight of all our memories
I believe in the things I am afraid to see
Hold on, hold on...
I believe in the lost possibilities you cannot see
And I believe in the darkness that reminds us where light can be
I know you're heart is still beating, beating
I believe that you fell so you could land next to me
Hold on, hold on...
'Cause I've been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
This is not the end of me
This is the beginning
Hold on
I am still alive.
-Christina Perri, I Believe

I've tried to put into words how much I connect with this song.  I've decided that there's no way to describe it.  My soul screams these words.  For now, I think I should just leave this here for you to enjoy.  Let your heart feel these words, today.

Love Isn't Math

So many of us block out our emotions because it's easier to tuck them away, hide them in the depths of our souls, than to actually feel those emotions.  Emotions are messy.  They're hard to figure out.  How many people do you know got love right on the very first shot?  How many people date one person their whole lives, marry that person, and stay with them forever?  Zero?  That's what I got too.  How many moms and dads never make a mistake?  How many sons and daughters never say a hurtful word?  You see, love isn't math.  There isn't a right or wrong answer.  There isn't a formula that you can plug everything in to.  There isn't a test you can run to make sure things fit.  Love allows for mistakes.  Love allows us to be human.  And when we find the right love, everything will fit.  We will still have problems and make mistakes and say hurtful words, but at the end of the day, the right love will still hold us steadily, exactly where we need to be.

It's going to be okay.  Just remember, love isn't math.

Becoming Great

"My life didn't please me.  So, I created my life."  -Coco Chanel

In case the world didn't already know, I'm the biggest Chanel fan there is.  I don't think there's anyone who loves Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel more than I do.  Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with several designers, including Michael Kors, Kate Spade, and Henri Bendel, to name a few favorites...but no one has ever, or will ever, outdo Chanel.  From shoes and clothing to handbags, accessories and makeup - she nailed it all.  She made the "little black dress" a classic.  Her simple, sophisticated style screamed her motto "luxury must be comfortable, otherwise it is not luxury."  Her most famous perfume, Chanel No. 5, has won 17 awards and remains a top-seller today.  Chanel is the epitome of a fashion icon.  She was a world renowned genius of the beauty industry.  And I love everything that ever is, was, and will be labeled "Chanel."

Chanel came from nothing.  Not many people know it, but Chanel was an orphan.  After her mother's death, she was put into an orphanage by her father who worked as a peddler.  In the orphanage, she was raised by nuns who taught her how to sew.  Around the age of 20, she opened her first shop (which was funded by her boyfriend) in Paris selling hats.  She begun designing clothing as an extension of her hat business.  She was complimented on clothing that she wore in the store that she had made herself.  She would offer to make the same clothing for her customers, which spurred her clothing line.  In the 1920's, while Alice Paul was concerned with women's equality and suffrage, Coco Chanel was taking her business to new heights, launching her first fragrance, Chanel No. 5.  It was the first perfume to feature the designer's name. During the 1920's, she also introduced the infamous "Chanel suit" and the "little black dress."  Back then, black was associated with mourning.  Chanel showed the world that black could be chic.  Her career only grew and developed as the years went on: she remained on the cutting edge of fashion for the duration of her life.  Chanel died in 1971 and about 10 years later the company was taken over by Karl Lagerfeld who carried on the Chanel legacy.  While still known for her cosmetics, fragrances, clothing, and accessories -- Chanel's life (particularly her witty quotes) has also been featured in many popular literary pieces and movies.

Now I'm sure most of you aren't nearly as interested as I am in the life of Coco Chanel and this blog obviously isn't a fashion blog.  However, I wanted to talk about someone memorable, who had come from nothing...because I want to talk about dreams.  I want to talk about creating the life you want to live.  You see, my interest in the beauty industry isn't my only fascination with Chanel.  She is simply one of the most incredible women there ever was.  Chanel built herself up.  "From rags to riches" doesn't even come close to describing her.  When I think about how she started in an orphanage and created a multi-billion dollar company that has flourished for over 90 years, I can't help but me amazed.  From being unwanted to becoming one of the most sought after women of her time - that IS Coco Chanel.

Chanel's story is a pretty extreme example of the point I'm trying to make.  If you haven't caught on yet, here it is: who you are, the things that define you, the mark you make on this world, all of those things are up to you.  You hold the power to steer yourself in any direction you choose.  The things people remember you for are all up to you.  We won't all become Chanel.  However, we can all be known as good, kind people that give more than they take and offer to help however they can.  We can choose to do something great - big or small!  We can choose to advocate for our friends and our communities when issues arise.  We have the power to dream and love and create...all we have to do is try.  If we share who we are with those around us, - if we find common goals with the people we interact with - who knows what we could accomplish.  Who knows where our lives will take us.  The point is, we can choose it.  Being great isn't about luck.  Greatness is about seeing who you want to be and doing everything you can to be that person.  Some of us will become those great people on small scales and some, like Chanel, on much larger scales.

"You have brains in your head.  You have feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.  You're on your own and you know what you know.  And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go."  -Dr. Seuss

I'm Not Waving, I'm Drowning

"The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why."  -Mark Twain

Sometimes there's a part of me that can't let go of what I used to be.  Knowing how hard I worked to get away from my depression, sometimes I just want to forget it.  But it's like there's something within me that won't let me let go of the fact that I was once a person unworthy of living.  I will probably never go a day without thinking about it.  I will probably never be able to forget my biggest breakdown.  My lowest of lows will probably stick with me forever.  I guess it doesn't have to be that way.  But I'm not sure I'm strong enough to forget.  I don't think I could forget.  I don't think I should forget.

Remembering makes me who I am.  I am sensitive and I am passionate.  I think those two traits can be fully contributed to what I went through with my mental disorder.  I also think that remembering is empowering to those around me.  When I choose to openly share my story of anxiety and depression, my feelings of loneliness and worthlessness, and my thoughts of self-harm and even death, I feel as though, in some small way, it liberates others to talk about their struggles with the same issues.  Perhaps allowing myself to be vulnerable and publicly sharing that vulnerability, sheds light on similar situations.  It provides commonality and comradeship to know that there IS someone like you.  Remembering also reminds me of how beautiful life is.  It reminds me to not take my time for granted.  I'm reminded to listen more and to do more.  Remembering where I once was, doesn't keep me from going back, it pushes me forward.

My depression isn't who I am.  It isn't who I was.  At one point it may have felt as though it defined me, but it doesn't now.  Dealing with my mental illness rather than killing myself over it has created a strong, brave woman that doesn't back down.  Having a mental illness to the severity that I do, allows me to be weak and afraid sometimes too.

I've never disclosed my actual diagnosis.  I always generalize my mental illness as depression or some variation of that word.  The reason for that is because people get really caught up in scary medical terms that have no actual bearing on anything relevant.  Also, once you've seen as many doctors as I have, you're pretty much diagnosed with everything there is and trying to figure that out can be messy.  There isn't a medication for my disorder.  There is a specific type of therapy that address this disorder in particular.  But most of it is addressed by lifestyle management.  By now, some of you psychology majors (my wife included) may have figured it out.  I have generalized anxiety, severe depression (some of my doctors throw that word "manic" around, but that diagnosis is still up for debate), and borderline personality disorder.  What does all of that mean?  Well, years of therapy (I am SO thankful to have Emily who has been with me for over 10 years).  Medications to manage the anxiety and depression.  A great support team.  And a lifelong struggle to wellness.  Things most people acquire naturally, I have to consciously make an effort to do.

I always start my blogs with a relevant quote.  You're probably thinking, why did she choose that quote for this blog?  Obviously, I wasn't born to deal with depression...but I do think I was born to advocate.  Where I find purpose is in standing up for something that matters.  I believe that I have "ideas worth spreading."  I believe that what I say and do and write, even if it's just on a minuscule scale, do make a difference.  I believe that  my passion for the well-being and happiness of those around me drives me to do good things.  I believe that I can make an impact on the world around me.  And I believe all of those things wholeheartedly.  I also believe that I never would have found that calling had it not been for the emotional instability that once controlled my life.  So, today, I will take my struggles and my diagnosis and I will remember them.  I will be thankful for them.  I will allow them to push me forward.  And I will live my life.

Small Actions, Big Dreams

Banding together can change lives.  Being a whole community with one common cause can change the world.  And even the most seemingly insignificant things, can inspire the greatest ideas known to man.  Taking a minute out of your day, can touch a life in a big way.  And understanding the importance of a small action doesn't come close to understanding the impact that action has made.

A great friend of ours, Coan, is getting married in approximately 100 days!  We love weddings and we love Coan -- so we're asking for your help.  Coan entered a contest with David's Bridal to win $2,500 to help pay for her wedding.  She and Garrett are paying for everything themselves.  We paid for our own wedding and we know how expensive that can be.  Coan is also in graduate school with Jordan so we REALLY know how expensive that is.  So, I'm asking you to help them save some funds.  All you have to do is vote for Coan and Garrett's proposal story on Facebook.  Here's how it works:

Step 1: Click here and "like" the David's Bridal Facebook page.  (After you like the page, you should be redirected to Garrett and Coan's entry)
Step 2: Click the word "vote" at the bottom of the page.
Step 3: Share it with all of your friends and ask them to vote too!

You can vote once a day, every day.

It's that easy!  Together, we can make Coan's dreams come true!