Welcoming Love

"Empathy is about standing in someone else's shoes, feeling with his or her heart, seeing with his or her eyes." -Daniel Pink

I should probably be doing homework right now.  Actually, being just 4 days until I leave for vacation, there's about a million things I should be doing and none of them are blogging.  Yet, here I find myself.  Yearning to pound out my thoughts on this keyboard because there's just so much going on in my head right now.

I worked as an artist at an event today and met some pretty incredible people.  It's interesting how different clients are from counter to counter.  When I moved from my first Estee Lauder counter to my current one in Asheville, I experienced this shift.  My customers were different.  The reasons they came to the counter were all very different.  Today, I experienced that same feeling - the women of Waynesville were different.  What I experienced today was a group of women with an overwhelming sense of loss.  One thing that I've always been very proud of is that my job entails really listening to people - not just hearing them.  Words are so powerful.  And sometimes all we need is for ours to be heard.  So listening to the women of Waynesville, I heard a lot of loss.  But accompanying that, I heard a lot of rejection.

Rejection is something that weighs heavily on me because it hits just a little too close to home.  It's one of my biggest fears.  But it's been following me around for a couple of days.  I had a long conversation with a friend last night that revolved around a theme of rejection.  It weighed heavy on my heart.  Then something interesting came to mind...

What if we showed love for one another merely because we exist in the same space?

No, really.  I mean it.  What if we actively sought positive things to say and think about one another?  What if we lifted one another up, rather than tearing each other down.  On my mental health journey, one thing I had to be very careful about was separating support from sabotage.  Sometimes, you think you're sharing something with another person in order to hear words of encouragement and compassion.  Then they share a similar story.  Next thing you know, you're both dwelling on things that are more than likely out of your control.  That's not support.  Support is when someone says, "Hey, that sucks.  Some sucky things happened in my life too...but we can grow.  We have opportunities that go beyond the bad things that have happened in our lives.  Here, let me help you."

Recovering from rejection isn't easy.  And finding someone to support you through it may be even harder.  So why not skip the whole rejection thing altogether?  Why not just love the people around us.  Why not tear down the walls that separate us rather than the people on the other side of them?

To the women of Waynesville - I heard you, sisters!  I know you've experienced some loss.  Each one of you today made me grateful for something that I still have.  I will think of you often.  But hang in there.  There will be opportunities that you don't want to miss out on.  To the people who have beat down the women of Waynesville - try some love on today.  And to anyone who is reading this that's feeling a sort of loss or rejection - it's okay.  Cry a little.  Take your time.  And when you're ready, lift your eyes.  There is so much beauty around you.  There is hurt here, I know...but there is also love.  When love arrives, welcome it.  And don't close your eyes so tightly that  you miss it.

Personal Satisfaction

"You are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." -Sarah Kay

I know my blogging has been sparse lately.  I've been immersed in my studies.  Working full time and being a full time student has proven to be one of the most rewarding challenges I've ever taken on.  I'm learning so much about myself - my drive and my motivation.  I'm learning about my limits as well.  And I'm learning that no matter what I decide to do with my life, I will help make people better.  I'm not sure where that road will take me yet...but I know that my life will mean something to other people.

This is a concept I had never considered.  My life mattering and making a difference in the world.  In 2011, I didn't think I'd be alive to see that Christmas.  Now, three years later, I'm entertaining the idea of a long and meaningful life.  So now I've found a dilemma...what do to with it?  I didn't think I'd ever have to answer that question.  I've thought long and hard about the question.  My thoughts go back to one of my favorite quotes by Mary Oliver: "What is it you plan to do with this one wild and precious life?" I've found an answer that satisfies me for now.

"I will leave people and places better than I found them." -JS

That answer will change.  A lot.  I'm sure of it.  But for now, I think it's okay.  I'm resting in thoughts of helping others.  I'm working hard at school with the end goal being a fulfilling life.  I'm getting my education for me.  But I'm also getting it for all of the people I could potentially help with my education.  I'm getting it for the people who read my blog and believe in me.  I'm getting it for my moms who are increasingly proud and supportive of me.  I'm getting it for my wife, who is motivated by my willingness to take care of our family financially and better myself while she makes her way through graduate school.  I'm getting it for the people who don't believe in me, to prove that "I can" means "I will."  But most importantly, I'm getting an education because I feel alive again.

If you're looking for a challenge for yourself, think about what you're doing with your life.  Think about your talents and abilities.  How can you use those to better the people and places around you?  How can bettering the people and places around you make you feel alive?

"I want you to know that this world is made out of sugar.  It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it."  -Sarah Kay

Ethnocentrism

This society would consider me somewhat of a humanitarian.  I was discussing this with a friend earlier this week and she said "I just wish I could take everyone in poverty and give them a better life."  Before I say anything more, I need to disclaimer: I am compassionate towards poverty and I do not disregard poverty as a world wide tragedy.   However, is the "wealth" and "opportunity" of America any better than the poverty of other countries?  We are all still miserable.  We have petty complaints that practically ruin our lives.

America.  The great melting pot...recent historians have coined the term "tossed salad" as a more appropriate description.  I call bull.  If we were to take impoverished citizens of Romania and "give them a new life" in America, they would (almost) always be second class citizens.  I live in the south.  When someone comes around that doesn't speak English very well, I watch the people around me roll their eyes and focus all of their attention on the "foreigner."  I hear grumbles and complaints.  Why would we subject someone to that?  How can we say that you can't be happy without money?  Just because they live in a poor country doesn't mean they don't have joy.  Yes, their situation may be more dangerous than ours.  Yes, there are many people who dream of America.  But it is an incredibly ethnocentric (See Mrs. Brasher, I really did pay attention in your class) view to think that all Americans have more fulfilling lives than those of third world countries.

How do we contribute to this?  Stop viewing yourself as entitled.  This world...it owes you NOTHING.  You don't get to make demands of others.   Treat others AND yourself respectfully.  Give without ceasing.  Love everyone.  It's no secret that I am not particularly a "people person."  My friends joke that it's odd that I don't like people because I'm SO good at talking to them.  I'm not.  I'm good at listening.  People like to be listened to.  So do that.  Do something nice for someone.  Be nice to someone.  And let go of your ethnocentrism.

Selflessness: My 2014 Resolution

I saw this quote this week and I resonated with it immensely.  I thought "wow, that describes a lot of my struggles right now."  I'm not good at saying "no."  If someone asks for my help or for a favor, no matter how much I don't want to do it, I usually say yes.  I chalk things up to "earning good karma" or just being a decent human being.  Most of the time I don't get taken advantage of.  I think this is because as helpful as I am, I am also a strong, assertive woman and most of the people in my life know and respect that about me.  However, when I am taken advantage of, I'm always the last to know.  So when I read this poster, I thought "yeah - I can say no.  I have the right to ask for a favor every now and then.  Why don't people do for me what I do for them?  I'm done crossing oceans for people who won't jump puddles for me."  I posted the quote to twitter and a sweet follower reminded me that life just doesn't work this way...

And she's right.

There are people like me for a reason.  Life isn't about give and take.  It's about giving...and when someone gives back, that's special.  That's where you find friends and allies.  We should all be open to giving a little bit of our time and energy to the people around us.  It isn't always easy to sacrifice things that we want or need for the sake of others, but every time we do, we grow a little bit.  I feel like there are a lot more people willing to lend a hand than not.  I also feel like society has made it hard to be brave enough to take that lending hand when we need it.  When did asking for help become a sign of weakness?  When did kindness and friendship become something that was difficult to believe in?

The new year is approaching and I've finally decided on a resolution:  to be more selfless.

I've always been open about my selfishness.  The first time Jordan asked me on a date, one of the first things I said was, "You don't want to date me.  I'm selfish and twisty.  I don't know my own demons, which scares me.  And when it comes down to it, I will always think of myself over others, but I rarely put me first."  I'm not proud of my selfishness, but it's easier to accept if I'm open about it.  Being open also opens the door for people in my life to openly acknowledge when I'm being selfish and help me grow into a better person.  Being honest about my flaws helps remind me that I still have room to grow and progress to make. 

So as I read the above quote again, I'm reminded that crossing oceans is just a part of life.  I should be willing to do it regardless of what will happen to me in return.  And that brings me back to one of my favorite TWLOHA quotes:

I RESOLVE TO BE SELFLESS IN 2014.

Inequality

Dear Ingles Boy,

You and your friend had a discussion last night while I was standing in the check out line.  I wasn't paying attention to your conversation.  I was worried about making sure my produce was bagged separately from my meat.  However, I did catch the tail end of your conversation involving this sentence: "What a faggot."  You did not know that I am gay.  You did not know that I heard you.  Until I spoke up.  I hope you were thoroughly embarrassed when I called over your boss and made you replay your conversation for him.  I hope that you felt ashamed when I asked you to apologize to the people waiting in line behind me for taking up so much of their time over foolishness.  But most importantly, I hope you realize how offensive that can be.  I hope you realize that "faggots" go to the grocery store just like everyone else.  I hope you understand how your words are inappropriate.  And I hope that you NEVER say that word again.

Your words did not bother me.  I've heard it all before.  It's come from the mouths of strangers.  It's come from the mouths of my own friends and family.  Hell, I've even said it a time or two.  Your words, they're nothing new to me.  But for someone else, they could be damaging...life changing.  I was standing up for the young male or female that may walk in next week, hear the same words, and leave feeling unaccepted -- like they'll never be able to express who they truly are because YOU don't have the decency to keep your opinions to yourself.  I was standing up for the principle of equality.

Equality.

Ingles boy, I know you didn't mean to walk into such a mess.  I know that you didn't even think about the words that were coming out of your mouth.  That's exactly why I had to say something.  I hope you'll begin to think before you speak.  I hope you'll be considerate of the differences around you.  I hope you'll pass the message along and that one day, you'll understand the importance of the meaning behind the things you say.

Keep working hard, Ingles boy.  And thank you for keeping my meat and produce separate.

Holiday Slow Down

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." -John F. Kennedy

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and I must admit, I'm not excited.  For most, Thanksgiving is a time to be with their families and reflect on how much you mean to one another.  For myself and most of the my friends, it's a time for us to stress over how we're going to fit a large meal and time with family in between work shifts.  Or more importantly, calling around to find out which grocery stores will be open and fully stocked with caffeine.  Thanksgiving has become more of a challenge than a holiday for me.  How do you juggle approximately 5 hours of cooking, 2 hours of cleaning, and 15 hours of working along with entertaining friends and family?  Oh, and heaven forbid and extra guest show up and you don't have enough matching plates to accommodate the unexpected addition.  Sounds like a game show to me!

Cooking the Thanksgiving turkey is my thing.  I've done it every year since Jordan and I have been together.  This is partly because Jordan's mom isn't a huge fan of cooking and partly because it's difficult to tote a 15 pound bird 4 hours up a mountain.   So every year, I cook the turkey and our families make the drive to Asheville.

Time is something that I'm always running short on, but especially this time of year.  This is the time that I forget to slow down and enjoy the holiday.  I think part of this is because I'm in retail.  For me, this is the busiest time of the year.  Everyone is shopping and everyone is rushing.  Usually the people I'm interacting with aren't concerned with what I have planned for the holidays...they're busy thinking about the to-do list that never seems to end.  From Thanksgiving to Christmas, the lives of other people cease to matter.  That's the part of the holiday that makes me sad.  We remember our own families and we're so excited to give gifts and eat turkey, but we forget to love on the people that don't get the time to spend with their families.  My job is as accommodating as they can be around the holidays, but at the end of the day, they still have a business to run.  My point is, while you're running around this season trying to finish up your to-do list, don't forget about the people who are providing a service to you rather than spending time with their own families.  Smile at us and give us your patience because we're most certainly trying our best to make your holidays wonderful.  And at the end of the day, just know that Thanksgiving and Christmas are really just about love... everything else is extra.  So if the plates on the table don't all match or a bulb on the Christmas tree goes out, just smile and remember that imperfections keep life interesting.

Powerful Words

You are powerful.  You are strong.  You are beautiful.

I had a woman tell me on Sunday that I was changing her life.  My customers have really reached out to me lately.  I've had a lot of emotional connections with women that I've spent less than an hour with and it's been a crazy time for me.  I've had so many people make specific comments that touched me deeply.  I know the client I was with on Sunday thought that I was changing her life, but really, she was changing mine.

I didn't want to be at work on Sunday.  I was tired from a long week and had the next two and half days off and I was ready for the relaxation to start.  But I care about my job and I care about my customers, so I put on my smile and went to work.  Once I got there, the day started off slow.  I was struggling just to stay awake and my nerves were on edge.  The first person that stopped by Estee Lauder that morning knew exactly what she wanted and didn't want to chat along the way, which I was perfectly okay with.  The next five customers all had difficult situations that were a struggle to resolve.  Then a client (who will remain nameless) walked up and said "You are so beautiful."  What?  I'm sorry.  Did she just say I was beautiful?  Is she joking or just blind?  Beautiful?  Now, I am a lot of things, but beautiful is not one that I get often.  Interesting.  Smart.  Determined.  Kind.  Funny.  Those are all things I hear.  But beautiful?  No.  I stopped for a second to analyze her angle and then responded with the dumbest thing I could have said, "really?"  She looked at me like I needed to take a course on how to properly accept a compliment.  This client asked if I had time to help her pick out a concealer and, of course, I did.  While we were picking out a concealer, it came up that she had a date that night and I asked if she wanted me to do her makeup for it.  She said yes and got in the chair.  I worked and she talked.  She began to talk about some pretty deep things that were going on in her life and I just listened.  When she was finished I said "wow.  It's amazing that you were able to share that."  She said "oh my gosh...I didn't even realize I was dumping on you!"  She wasn't dumping on me.  I loved hearing her story.  She had an incredible story to tell.  I didn't know how to say that to her at work so I just exchanged the words she greeted me with, "You are so beautiful."  My client cried.  Then she told me I was patient.  I didn't feel patient that day...I actually was the opposite of patient.  I was ready to go home.  I was ready to be with my family.  But I think I was supposed to be there, in that moment, to tell someone that her story mattered.

I used to walk through life very closed off.  My mental health journey has really allowed me to open myself up and allow things to come into my life.  I've opened myself up to a lot of hurt and pain, but all of that has been matched by even more love and beauty.  Sometimes we need to share our struggles.  Sometimes we need to just say what we think.  You are beautiful - That's okay to say.  Our words change people.

Our words are powerful.  We have to use them.