Show Up: A Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

Losing a husband is probably the most painful thing you've experienced in your life thus far.  While it feels far too young to be labeled a widow, you've lived long enough to know that we are not in control of the things that happen in our lives.  Today, I'm not writing to say that I understand your pain or that I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm not writing to tell you not to worry about me or that everything is going to be okay.  Today I'm writing to do that thing that I do when everything feels bad - I don't have answers, I just have perspective and compassion.

Three days ago you lost the man you shared everything with.  When you share everything with someone, that means they share everything with you too.  Which means when you lose them, they can try to take a piece of you with them.  That's okay.  You're allowed to hurt and feel sad and even lay on the bathroom floor sobbing if that is what you feel.  However, you have to do those things you feel and the things you don't feel too.  Make yourself smile at least once a day, even if it's not a real one.  Make yourself eat a meal or two.  Make yourself a hot cup of tea because it feels good.  Go outside.  Cuddle your dog.  Anything that's happy, do that.  But most importantly, show up.

Show up, mom.  Not just for meetings or work or doctor's appointments because those things aren't really all that important.  Show up for life.  Remember that there are flowers outside and stop to smell them.  Make that cup of tea extra sweet just so you can taste the honey and think about the bees that made.  Think about dreams you've had and never fulfilled.  Pick one.  Try it.  Dream of something impossible and write about it.  Take a pottery class.  Try something new.  Go on a vacation to somewhere you've always wanted to go.  Or somewhere you've never wanted to go.  Be amazing because you ARE!

You don't have to do it all today.  You don't have to change the world or save lives or enroll in pottery class or become a bee keeper this month.  But make that cup of tea today.  Tomorrow do the same thing, but drink it outside.  Healing happens one step at a time.  I know you are strong, but you don't have to be right now.  Just take some time to take care of you and make sure that you show up.

I'm so very proud to call you my mother and I'm so very hurt over the pain that you're in, but I am so very thankful for the eleven years you had to love this man.  Tomorrow may not be good, but it can be better.  I love you, mom.  Show up.

In Loving Memory

Father. Friend. Husband. Hero.

As we walk through life we often are given titles.  Some of them are birthrights, such as our name.  Some of them we gain, and have to maintain, such as becoming a husband or wife.  And some of them are more special than that.  Some titles speak to our very existence and the things we've chosen to be.  An act of being, in my opinion, is the greatest thing one can do with their lives.  And in the case of my step-father, Tim, he knew how to "be." 

I described his life earlier this week as a life well lived.  By that I mean he did things with the time he had.  He enjoyed it.  He laughed.  He loved.  He found reasons to appreciate bad situations and celebrated good ones.  But most of all he did good things.  He devoted his life to the military (air force).  He also specialized in martial arts.  He spent his life teaching his art to children in efforts to keep them engaged and off of the streets.  Tim was not a force to be reckoned with.  But neither was he as tough as anyone believed.  He was a gentle soul that was truly compassionate.

Disease comes fast.  I saw my step father on May 6 and he said "don't try to come see me in this hospital bed without a peppermint patty." In very good spirits, in okay condition.  I saw him again on June 1, in not very good condition, but still the nurses and doctors told us recovery was possible.  Four days later, recovery was no longer possible.  

There are things to be learned here and Tim would want that, so let us not forget:

1. Live your life, and live it well.  You get one chance and you don't know when it ends.  Recovery may seem possible, but in four days it may be over... don't stop where you are.  Don't let good enough, be good enough because it absolutely isn't.  No matter what the endeavor, if you've stopped before surpassing your goals, you've stopped too soon.  Live life well - and don't wait to start doing so.

2. What do you want your title to be?  Find what it is that you love and embrace that.  Are you a fighter or a hero or a mother or a video gamer?  Whatever it is, be great at what you do.  Never stop asking questions and never stop asking for more.

3. Finally, never lose your love.  Ambition is wonderful and important, but don't forget to pursue it with love in your heart and kindness in your eyes.  

As we move forward and discover what life is like with one less person in it, our hearts can remember what we've learned from someone that did so much for so many people.  

Doing what he loved in the school he built.

New Beginnings

"Life is either a great adventure or nothing." -Helen Keller

Today is the day.  Today I will turn in my notice and begin preparing for a new adventure.  Although, I'm not quite sure how to feel about it.  I'm very sad to leave my home here in Asheville.  I believe that I live in the most beautiful city in North Carolina and making the decision to give that up has been incredibly emotional for me.  I've also invested myself in new friendships that I'm not prepared to leave.  I have some amazing people in my life here.  I have the type of friends I know I can call at 11pm and say "I'm lost somewhere in Tennessee and my phone is about to die, can you tell me how to get home?" (yes, this has actually happened) and they're always there - not only giving directions, but also lending support to keep me calm.

Asheville is also quite the resourceful area.  Nature is our playground here.  I will miss being able to step outside, point any direction, decide that's where I'd like to explore and know that something amazing awaits me.  I've seen waterfalls, rivers, mountain tops, mile high swinging bridges, ziplines, kayaks, wild bears, you name it - we've done it!  And it was all so beautiful.  The amazing things we've discovered in this city have captured my heart and truly become a part of who I am.  These are much more than activities - it becomes a way of life.  Leaving that saddens me.

However, sometimes life hits you and it says "it's time."  Maybe it's not forever, but it is for right now.  I'm going to be with my family while they experience some pretty tough changes.  It will be nice to be close by when the tragic phone calls come rather than 3 hours away knowing there's nothing you can do to help.  I'll be in school there, I'll work there, and hopefully I'll find something to love about it as much as I love Asheville.

So, here's to 3 more weeks of fitting in every last adventure I can.  And then here's to beginning a new one...

Seeking Adventure

I don't consider myself to be a great writer.  I will never write an award winning novel and my blog will never become internet famous.  Perhaps "better than mediocre" is the category I fall under and I'm completely comfortable there.  I don't strive to make writing a career, but I do enjoy it and find that sometimes putting words down can be a creative form of release.  I do, however, have a writer friend that will one day change the world with her literature and last year she found herself in a bit of a rut.  I put together a gift to help her find her voice again.  It was just a few simple boxes with sealed envelopes inside each containing a different prompt or activity for her to write about.  Some of them were quotes, some were story ideas, and some were acts of kindness - her mission was to complete the act or read the prompt and then simply write about it.  Some of my personal favorites were "leave your favorite book in a public place for someone else to find" and "write about a wedding from at least three perspectives."  My friend would tell me about some of the prompts she opened and you could tell she was remembering that we don't have to have a reason to write.

I'm telling you this story because one of the envelopes was misplaced and my friend thinks it found her at exactly the right moment.  And it did.  It found her because it needed to find me.

I'm not going to go into a long drawn out explanation of where my heart is right now. But the shortened version is... this world is so beautiful and I haven't seen enough of it.

Clarity Beyond Belief

"I'm not afraid, at least not to die.  I'm afraid to live and not remember why." -Envy on the Coast

"I don't know if I'm dying," sounds like an awful time to start living.  The truth is, none of us know, but life isn't going to be any more fulfilling if you spend another 5 years waiting on it to give you a heads up.

If there's one thing I've gained through the swiftness of my step-father's progression of this disease, it's perspective.  When big things happen quickly, suddenly you understand what is most important to you and the list isn't very long.  Things you've been putting off or rearranging become quite easy.  Your standards lower on issues that don't matter all that much.  And you find a lot more time than you once had.

My mom has 4 dogs.  She is as crazy about them as I am about mine.  Originally, she just had two, but the second one came with an unexpected surprise (puppies!) and she didn't have the heart to give them away so she ended up with four.  When she realized how much she was going to be in the hospital with her husband, and weighed the dependency of the dogs against the time she could give them, there wasn't a decision to be made.  She had to rehome them.  It was difficult and luckily enough she was able to find homes with people she knew and trusted, but when it came down to her dog or her husband, there wasn't a choice to be made.

Hearing stories about how quickly life can change has really affected me.  I have lived in Asheville for over two years now and the entire time I've been here I've wanted to hike Grandfather Mountain.  Why did it take someone knocking on death's door to encourage me to do it?  I had so many excuses before - no time, no energy, better things to do, too expensive, too far, no one to go with, too dangerous, not experienced enough, need better equipment, etc.  The reality is, those are just excuses.  When I evaluated why I hadn't hiked this beautiful mountain before, I didn't have a good reason and I genuinely wanted to go.

I'm still figuring all of this out.  How do you live your life with clarity and perspective while still being responsible and reliable?  There has to be a balance between what's important to us and what's required of us - perhaps adding being a good employee and coworker to your list of things that are important to you would resolve this issue.  The important lesson out of all of this is just to know that while today is probably not your last day, it could be.  And so could 10 years from now.  Think about how fast the last 10 years have gone - what if you only had 10 more to live out your dreams?  And what if you lived as though every single dream you have were totally possible?  That's clarity.

The top of Grandfather Mountain

Fighting for his Life

"It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair." -Taylor Swift

Two weeks ago, the only thing I knew about cancer was that it stems from our own cells.  I learned that in my Bio 111 class, which is the only college course I ever made a B in.  We didn't discuss cancer in grave detail, but the parts we did discuss very much normalized the disease to me.  As an overachieving student, I find myself caught up in the science of cancer, rather than remembering that this is a disease that effects people and their families.  Until it affected me...

Just under a month ago my mom casually mentioned that my step dad had been experiencing some pain.  He had some tests run and we knew there was some fluid built up around one of his lungs.  At this point, I was not taking this issue seriously as I believed that it was simply misplaced fluid that could be extracted and everything would be fine.  The fluid was removed, however, everything was not fine.  Within a few days my step dad could no longer breathe and was having intense chest pain.  At this point he was taken to the hospital to be further evaluated.

The next couple days were a blur.  It was a lot of tests and waiting.  Finally the words that everyone is afraid of and no one wants to hear were announced: Cancer.  

We are all very scared right now.  We are all waiting and watching and putting a whole lot of faith in doctors we don't know and science we've never heard of.  I've never seen my mother so afraid.  I've neglected this blog for five months and I guess the reason I'm turning to it now is this:  when I was in a place of darkness and despair, this blog offered me a place to turn to, to be reminded that I am not alone.  When I thought my life was over, the 16,000+ people that have clicked on this page reminded me that it wasn't.  So now, I need you all, just one more time... for my mom and my step dad.  Any words of encouragement, kind thoughts, or shared stories.  I've enabled comments directly on the blog as well as on Facebook. 

Thanks for helping me take care of my momma.  

P.S. If you're in the NC area and you know of any 5K's for Leukemia/Lymphoma, I would love more information.  Also, my family and I appreciate all of your kindness during this time.

2015 Resolution

"Everyone suffers some injustice in life, and what better motivation than to help others not suffer in the same way."  -Bella Thorne

I feel like the year wouldn't be complete without a resolution post...  So, here it goes.

Something I've placed a strong emphasis on this year is reaching needs, wherever they may be.  Making small differences in other people's lives has made a big difference in my life.  But more importantly, being able to see needs (literally everywhere) and how prevalent they are has been eye opening for me. Knowing that our communities, cities, states, countries, and planet is suffering, makes me want to do my part.  Every issue from a dog without a warm place to sleep to the lack of food and clean water in third world countries matters.  World peace, as idealistic and cheesy as it sounds, and world satisfaction has become an ever prevalent theme that my heart aches to resolve.  I've spent a lot of time and energy this year doing my part, and I'm resolving to do more next year.

So what's a resolution without concrete steps and goals?  Well...I'm getting there.  I'm not sure where I'll begin.  One thing I've learned this year is that you can't help someone unless you really feel led to do so.  It has to feel right in the moment.  You have to know that you are meant to be the helper.  You have to feel like the difference is yours to make.  If you've ever had this feeling before, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  It's almost like your contribution means more when you know that you were meant to be the one making that contribution.  However, all of that being said, I do need "measurements" in place to make sure I'm maintaining my resolution, right?  

Here's what that will look like:

1. One or more charitable actions each month in the form of a donation of time, money, items, energy, resources, or any other helpful initiative not otherwise specified
2. Each month's "action" must be different (no duplication).  Although repeating a charitable action is certainly allowed, encouraged even, it will not count towards that month's "charitable action"
3. The small things matter - thinking outside of the box is encouraged.  At least 3 times this year, make the "act of kindness" personal versus commercial.  Make sure that 3 of the 12 actions (25%) directly affect an individual (stranger or not), rather than an organization or group.

The ultimate goal here is to inspire more action, creativity, and community involvement. In some capacity (Facebook, blog posts, something - haven't decided what YET), I'll keep everyone posted on my activity.  This is more for accountability reasons than anything else.  I also think it's good to share my experiences, positive and negative, in order to encourage others to get involved too!

So, what's my new year's resolution?  To leave people and places better than I found them.