Day 2: Show Me

There was an extremely thought provoking comment left on my last post.  (If you'd like to read the entire post and/or comment, click here).  The part of the comment I want to focus on today is going to take us down a road I really tend to avoid on this blog for two reasons.  1. My mother reads my blog -- my actual, biological mother.  2. The pain has just begun to heal within the last year...it's still quite traumatic for me to blog about, for both my mother an myself.  If you haven't guessed by now, I'm going to be talking about the woman that put me on this earth.

The part of the comment from the last post I want to focus on is this:

"As you become responsible for more lives, animal or human, your ability to be daring will diminish.  With each life looking to you for its stability and security you have to put the means of providing these things for that life ahead of your own desires, even if that means only going out on calm waters.  It comes down to the difference between the right to risk yourself and the obligation not to risk someone else, particularly if they are in any way unable to fully understand or accept the risk."

I spent about 6 years of my life thinking that my mom was a horrible person.  She's going to read that statement 17 times and cry every single time.  It's no secret, but it will still hurt her to hear directly.  For that, mom, I'm sorry.  But here, in this place, I am real and honest and sharing the truth isn't always pleasant.  6 years.  She spent those same 6 years kicking herself every single day for not being involved in my life.  Of course, she didn't realize we would not speak for 6 years once she made her decision on my living arrangements.  She also wasn't aware of the slander that would occur from other parties involved.  But mom and I don't dwell too much on the past anymore because we are both aware of the toll that will take on our emotions. After those 6 years, she spent about 2 years thinking that I had poor judgment and was in an unhealthy relationship that was taking me down a dark road.  Then about a year ago, we both woke up and realized that we don't know anything about each other and we should just stop hurting a complete stranger.  What did that look like for us?  Several awkward dinners where we ate in public with very few words.

Then finally it all came out...

We found out that words that had been relayed between the two of us had been slurred and that our judgment was based on nothing more than the lies of a self-centered couple that I am ashamed to call my father and step-mother.  (I know, you're all reading this statement and hoping that I didn't just say that on a public forum... please fell free to read this post ...and perhaps, one day, I will share more about them on here).  Mom will be upset that I said that.  She doesn't like for us to badmouth my dad.  He had no problem badmouthing her.

I found out that she wasn't as horrible as I was told.  I found out that she wasn't a liar or any of the other words she was called which are not appropriate for the web.  And she found out that I wasn't all that bad either.  And that Jordan really isn't a bad person...they actually get along REALLY well!

So mom and I decided to start our relationship over completely.  Here's a few things that I've learned through that process:

1. My mother would do things differently, given a second chance.
2. She has more love, care, and respect for me than any person I know.
3. She is a good person.

The reason the comment above struck a chord in me is because it talks about putting another life ahead of yours.  Maybe she didn't go about it the right way...maybe she didn't realize that I didn't fully understand the risks involved.  Maybe she should have given me more information about the situation.  However, I think she was TRYING to do the right thing.  What more can I ask of her?  She tried.  She is still trying to recover from it.  And you know what, our relationship sucked for 8 years, but we're growing into ourselves and into each other.  

I'm not completely faultless in the demise of our relationship.  I fought hard and was ADAMANT that she not be allowed to come back into my life.  Mostly because of the horrible things I had heard about her from my father (most of which I have found to be inaccurate). 

We are still working on our relationship, but I like the direction it's going in.  I'm proud of how hard we've worked to get here.

Mom, I love you.  And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to make up for the lost years that we weren't able to share, but I can give you my best for the years we have left.  If you're willing to work, I'm willing to work.  If we can come together and somehow make our two awkward families into one big awkward family, I'll try.  I commit to being as honest as I can be.  I probably won't cry in front of you and you'll probably cry too much in front of me, but I'll look past it, if you will.  I promise to make this a relationship in which we give more than we take.  And we will fight - because I'm your daughter and that's what mothers and daughters do. But we will hug and makeup (and probably still disagree).  I will try to keep you from worrying about me to protect you, but you'll worry anyway.  And when my big girl panties are just TOO big, I'll let you protect me as long as you promise to let me fight my own battles for as long as I can because one thing I've learned in life is that fighting makes you stronger and I need all the strength I can get.  I will show you how to live because I've gotten pretty good at it.  And you can show me how to grow because that's what I need from you. We will share joy and misery, good days and bad days.  I will become who I am and I will hope that you love that about me, but you already do, don't you?  And...

We will love each other unconditionally.  

When it comes down to it, that's all we really wanted from one another, right?

"There is relief in sharing your life with someone else and joy in realizing that in our sharing, we won't crumble."  -TWLOHA

Day 1: Live and Be Happy

"Who is the happier man: the one who has braved the storm of life or he who has stayed securely on the shore and merely existed?" -Hunter S. Thompson

A few days ago, I was asked by a co-worker "what do you want to do with your life?"  I thought to myself, "I'm doing it!"  But that wasn't my response to her.  Instead I said "Live and be happy."  It's no secret that there have been times when I neither wanted to live nor be happy...so uttering those words were a sincere moment of accomplishment for me.  I'm not sure if the beauty industry will make me happy forever, but for now it does, so I'll keep doing it.  And when it doesn't, I'll stop.

I think dreams are ever changing.  I believe that as we grow and mature, so do our desires and emotions.  What made me happy when I was 7 isn't the same as what makes me happy now; what makes me happy now, may or may not make me happy 10 years from now.  In my young, inexperienced opinion, we have to try something before we decide if it makes us happy.  The problem is, we're often scared to try new things.  When you find a life that fits you comfortably, you don't leave it.  You have a job that pays well, a family that doesn't argue too much, and a home that suits you...why would you strive for happiness when you have everything you need?  It sounds silly when you read that, right?  Everyone should want to be happy!  But consider your life and the things you are doing with it-- have you followed your dreams or merely followed what was practical?

I think Jordan and I are actually really great at doing what makes us happy.  She has a bachelor's degree and could be making a good amount of money doing some 9-5 desk job.  Instead, we choose to live on a tighter budget to allow her to go to graduate school and follow the dream she's always had, to be a counselor.  When I decided I wanted to go to beauty school, there was no discussion about giving up a full scholarship and taking on new debt in its place.  Our conversation went more like this: "Will beauty school make you happy?  Let's do it."  Before moving to Asheville, we had plans to move to Morganton, save a lot of money (because cost of living is SO cheap), and continue living our lives until Jordan was out of school.  We entertained the idea of moving to Asheville for about 10 minutes before we realized that Morganton was no longer an option.  Asheville is where we would be happy...nothing else mattered.

One thing Jordan says to me maybe a little too frequently is, "it's never enough for you, is it?"  Sometimes this is a negative conversation for us, but more often than not, it's something I'm proud of.  I never stop asking for more.  I want more and more out of life the more and more I live it.  A lot of people are frustrated by this, which I don't quite understand.  Why wouldn't you want everything you can get out of life?  What's the harm in asking life for more?  What's the worst it can say?  No?  Well, at least you have answers.  The alternate answer is yes and then you have more!  This is not to say that I'm not grateful for what I have or content with where I am (because I am most certainly both of those things).  I'm merely saying that I want everything I can possibly get out of life: as much experience, happiness, adventure and love that I can find.  You can't have those things when you're living inside of your comfort zone.

When we make decisions based on happiness, society tells us we're being irrational and irresponsible.  You know what, letting each day pass you by without any joy or adventure when it's staring you right in the face sounds more irrational and irresponsible to me.  So, I suppose, to my co-worker I would say, if you aren't happy, move on.  Embrace the possibility of failure and live the life you want to live!  If you aren't happy, find a way to be happy.  Because you owe it to yourself to give everything you have towards living the life you've always imagined.  You owe it to yourself to live and be happy.

Junspiration: 30 Day Challenge

"Mom" posted this week that she is taking Matt Cutts' 30 Day Challenge.  In short, she is going to exercise for 30 days before she leaves Bahrain and heads back to the states and if she skips a day, she has motivational consequences in place (if you'd like to read the entire post, click here).  I've never seen Cutts' Ted Talk, so I decided to go watch it and was rather inspired by the concept of making a lifestyle change or even just obtaining a small goal in 30 days time.  So I started thinking, what would I like to do that I could reasonably try for the next 30 days?

I'm going to attempt something I'd like to call Junspiration (June + inspiration: get it?).  I'm going to blog every day for the next 30 days.  Now, keeping this goal reasonable, I'm not going to be posting every day.  For the month of June, I will work on my blog every single day, but I will only be posting every other day.  That's one day to write, one day to edit and post.  15 total posts, which is more than I've ever done in a single month.

Through this process, I'm hoping to gain a deeper understanding of myself.  I think that if I'm forcing myself to write every day, I'll have to dig deeper and deeper to find new things to write about.  I'm pushing myself to discover new emotions and feelings...new perspective and insight.

Pick something for the month of June that you'd like to add or subtract from your life, and do it!  Commit 30 days to trying something new or to quit something old.  I'd love to hear what you want to do with your next 30 days!

"In my 30 days, instead of my months flying by, forgotten, the time was much more memorable." -Matt Cutts

In case you're interested, here's Matt Cutts' TED Talk:

Armor Yourself In It

"We are going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us."  -Beth Moore

I deal with insecurities a lot.  I constantly have women asking advice on covering up physical insecurities like acne, acne scars, dark spots, redness, etc. Being married to a woman, I see a lot of her insecurities on a day to day basis: "can you fix my hair, it doesn't look good today?  Is this outfit okay?  What shoes should I wear with this?"  I also have my own insecurities.  My face is too red.  I'm too short and too round ESPECIALLY compared to the girls I work with.  My teeth aren't white enough and my skin isn't clear enough.  Insecurities are usually things that we focus on more than the rest of society does.  People are constantly telling me that my skin is beautiful...I'm not being modest when I correct them -- I really don't see it!  The point is, insecurities surround us all.  Many of us hide behind them, but I have a new idea.

What if we began to armor ourselves in our insecurities.  What if we were able to talk about the things that we spend so much time hiding?  What if we let our flaws show and WE decided what is beautiful?  I met a brave girl this week.  She's very strange and has a weird sense of humor.  She doesn't fit in at all in the environment that I met her.  And she is fabulous.  She sees herself as beautiful and entertaining.  And you know what?  She's so happy!  Who cares what anyone else thinks?  She's embracing herself and showing the world that she too can be beautiful.  I think it's awesome!  I love seeing her shine...and when she isn't shining, she doesn't mind.  She just picks herself up and tries again.  I'd like to take her confidence and bottle it for women around the world!

So what does armoring ourselves in our insecurities look like?

1. Wear your suit of confidence.  Regardless of how much life throws at us, if we are confident in who we are and our abilities we can withstand the storms.
2. Put on your helmet of clarity.  The world tells us we need to have perfect skin, perfect hair, the perfect body, and so much more!  Never leave home without your clarity...you are beautiful, despite the pimple that popped up last night!
3. Slip on your boots of happiness.  Strap on those shoes that make you feel pretty and let the world that you are fierce!  Remember that saying, "if the shoe fits?"
4. Last, but possibly most important, never leave home without your shield of truth. Always keep in mind that there are things about yourself that you can't change.  Never give the world the power to bring you down.  You are valuable.  You are loved.  Insecurities are nothing more than the weak attacking the wonderful.

I think if we all strive to be our best selves and focused more on our happiness than the thoughts of those around us, we would live better, more fulfilling lives.  Try on the suit.  It may feel a little stiff the first time.  It may not fit quite right.  But with a little self alterations and a wash or two, you may just start to feel like your insecurities really don't matter that much.

"So long, insecurity.  You've been a bad friend to me."  -Beth Moore

You Only Live Once

Warning: This post may bear no relevance to your life whatsoever and will probably be the most annoying thing you've ever read. Enjoy.

You only live once.  Physically, this statement is true.  You are born once, you have one life, and you will die one time.  However, I disagree with the sentiment "you only live once."

We go through stages in life.  When you are a new born, walking isn't something you are capable of doing.  In this instance, no one would ever say "oh, you can do it!  You have to!  Ya know, you only live once..."  It's a dangerous statement.  If we are able to entertain the very logical idea that newborns are not yet ready to walk, then why can't we believe that there are other emotional, physical, and mental opportunities that we aren't yet ready for.  We don't pressure our babies to do things we aren't ready for...why isn't it okay to ask life to slow down as an adult??

I'm young.  I have a lot of life left in me.  I'm finally happy with where my life is and the direction it is headed in and I can't remember a time when I felt that way.  Asheville has been an amazing change for me.  I've felt myself grow stronger and happier just in the two short weeks we've been here.  I care about myself, my home, and my family more.  Something about this move has really sparked life within me.  I am passionate about my job.  I am fearlessly determined to take on new challenges.  But at the same time, there are things that aren't so important to me that people seem to be adamant that I express concern for.  I keep hearing this phrase "you only live once."  Yes, you do.  It's true, you should take every opportunity that life hands you.  However, because you only live once, you should also cherish being able to slow down and appreciate the opportunities you've been given.  I am always hungry for more life and more adventure.  It's in my DNA to be that way.  But lately, I've felt a strong desire to say "yes, I only live once and with this one precious life I've been given I'd like to enjoy the happiness I've gained in this town for just a little while.  I'd like to settle in to something that feels so surreal and just enjoy the happiness we've created for ourselves."  Jordan and I are happy with where we are.  That's not to say that we aren't striving to better ourselves and each other every day...it just means that we want to feel content for just a little while before we entertain new ideas.  We've just begun to crawl here...we aren't quite ready to run.  So, we'll take our lives and live them to the fullest...by being grateful for what we have and not rushing new quests.

On a completely different note, someone got under my skin today.  The kind of way that makes you want to go home, take a shower, go back to bed and wake up as a different person.  Her words cut me deep "WHO thought YOU were qualified to do this job?  I don't like you."  Rejection hits hard.  I'm not sure what I said or did that offended this woman so much, but it hurt me to hear her words.  "Qualified?  I am!  I know I'm great at what I do.  Look at my numbers.  Look at my records.  Ask my customers.  They love me!  Likable?  I try!  I really do!  Please ma'am...see me for me!  Look at how happy I was to greet you.  See how long I spent making my makeup perfect today so that you would ask me about my blush or mascara?  Do you know how hard I've worked for THIS??"  Those were the words that were screaming inside of me!  Who was this woman to question my value to this company?  I was taken aback.  And I wanted to cry.  But instead of retaliation, I gulped back tears and said "I am so sorry," (which I genuinely meant) "What can I do for you to make this experience better?"  There was no pleasing this woman which I quickly realized.  So not only was I hurt to the deepest part of me, she also left unhappy, which made everything worse.

A familiar pain came over me.  This woman, who barely knew my name, had judged my entire personality based on one short interaction.  I work as hard as I possibly can at my job.  I consistently deliver results.  When I'm not working in the store, I'm at home learning, watching tutorials and reading materials that will better my skills.  I take every interaction with my customers personally.  I keep up with birthdays and surgeries.  I call them just to say hi and tell them that I miss seeing them.  I do everything in my power to ensure they have a positive experience.  And more than anything, I take away the salesmanship.  While my job is to make sales goals, drive numbers, and achieve results, you will never feel that pressure from me in my chair.  At the end of our time together, I don't care if you make a purchase or not.  If the experience made you feel beautiful, whole, relaxed, worthy, or empowered, I have done my job.  I want you to want the products, I do.  I believe in them.  They are among the best in the market for achieving results and I personally use them on a daily basis.  However, if (for whatever reason) I do a full consultation with you and you don't buy a thing, I'm never upset about it as long as the experience made you feel good.  I want women to see themselves as beautiful as they truly are.  That is why I do what I do.  I want to give women empowerment and and self-worth...if that happens to come in a little brown bottle labeled Advanced Night Repair, so be it.

The point is, hearing that this woman thought I wasn't good at the one thing I'm most passionate about really hurt me.  It brought me back to times when I felt worthless and hopeless.  I wish I could just have 5 minutes on the phone with her to tell her how much I care.  I wish she could see the part of me that aches to mend our experience.  I also hope that our interaction didn't affect her as much as it has affected me.  I am defeated right now.  However, I am determined to grow from this experience.  I will be brave enough to go back to work tomorrow, with a smile on my face and say "hey, I'm not going anywhere because I know that I am great at what I do.  I know that these women enjoy spending time with me, learning how to build their confidence and beauty.  I will continue to add a little sparkle to the lives of those around me, regardless of who stands in my way."

Rejection has hurt me, but it will not ruin me.

"...Because 'no' just means 'not now.'" -Maggie Turner

Lean On Me

This week, I saw something that moved me to tears.

This picture was accompanied by a caption that read: "Sitting in the waiting room at the hospital before mom goes in for surgery. Happy to be here to hold her hand. Let's get rid of this goddamn cancer."

In the name of privacy, I'm not going to share the name of the person that posted this photo.  However, I will tell you a few things about the person that posted this.  First of all, he is wildly talented and in a successful band and travels from state to state performing. There are a million places he could have been that day, but he was there, with his mother, supporting every stride she takes towards wellness.  Secondly, just to satisfy your curiosity, while is mother is definitely not out of the woods, the surgery did go well.  Thirdly, he is an amazing example of someone who has found a healthy outlet for his mental health disorder: music.  And finally, he is an amazing person.  Always kind, always listening.  He is someone I am proud to call a friend.

However, this post isn't about mental health or wellness or anything like that.  This post is about being still and leaning on those who love us.  The last two weeks have been hard for me.  I have an approaching struggle that's made me nervous about my emotional stability.  I think I've dealt with it well so far.  But I know it's only going to get harder the closer we get.  I saw this photo (exactly when I needed to) on Monday.  I read the caption casually and immediately stopped.  I broke down completely.  I cried for my friend and his family.  Then I spent a few minutes basking in the beauty of this photo.  The love between a mother and son.  The power of the struggle this family is experiencing.  The fight I see within this young man's words.  All of it is so beautiful.  Then I spent another few minutes hurting for the struggle this family is going through.

Seeing this picture reminded me that we need to lean on the love we have around us.  There are so many people ready to catch us if we fall.  We get so caught up in being independent and self-sustaining that we forget who is there to catch us.  I want to be more like my friend and his mom.  Strong when I need to be (like him), falling into the love around me when I have to (like his mother).  Thank you, friend, for this reminder.  My thoughts are with you and your family this week.

"You deserve healing." -Ben Howard

House Bill 693: Wake Up North Carolina

Dear North Carolina,

I recently read an article about House Bill 693, the Teen Medical Ban.  I respect the concept of wanting to broaden the spectrum of parent-child communication and force parents to be more involved in their teen’s mental health and ultimately their life decisions.  However, I believe the way we should force parent-teen communication upon North Carolinians is through mandatory parent-teacher-student conferences, not healthcare.  You see, health care is too risky.  By considering this bill, you are putting lives of hundreds of teens at risk.  Here are a few scenarios to consider:

1.  A young girl, perhaps age 16, has been repeatedly molested by her father.  She gets pregnant and doesn’t know who to turn to.  She wants to seek guidance in options that she has, but is unable to confide in any sort of counselor because of House Bill 693.  She asks her mother to accompany her in seeking medical care (only because it is required by law), but her mother is unable to accept the reality that her husband rapes her daughter.  Even if she agreed to accompany her, she is immediately turned off by the requirement of a notarized letter of consent because she can’t have her local notary finding out about their family secret.  4 months later, the young girl has started to show.  Dad finds out and beats her until the baby is gone.  The young girl never receives the proper medical care.  If she survives, she will be sick for months.  Her adult years will be spent moving from counselor to counselor trying to recover from this traumatic event, trying to forgive her mother, and trying to forget her father.  I know what you’re thinking – in this situation, DSS would have stepped in, right?  Wrong.  The fact of the matter is, DSS, while a totally necessary and useful establishment, isn’t solving all of our problems.  There are thousands of cases that should require the attention of social services, but never receive it because the whole scenario occurs “behind closed doors.”  After this girl has been shut down by a counselor, a notary, a medical advisor, and her own mother, how could she possibly have the courage to call DSS?  Social Services ­­­­­is a scary term for a teenager…much scarier than the term “counselor.”
2. A 12 year old boy has been living in a house full of cocaine addicts and decides to take up the habit himself.  A year later, he wants to quit the drug.  He needs help.  Mom won’t take him to get help because her habit would be discovered as well.  Dad isn’t in the picture anymore.  The boy continues with the habit because he can’t quit on his own.  6 months later, he overdoses.
3.  A 17 year old girl has a birthday in March.  She has started to question the reasons she exists.  Her emotions consume her thoughts and the only way out seems to be ending her life altogether.  She has had some recent issues with her family that seem to be irreconcilable. The pain is too much and she has nowhere to turn.  She does not feel like she is able to talk to her parents about the situation and because of House Bill 693, her school counselor is not an option unless her parents are involved.  She thinks if she could deal with the issues within herself, her relationships would improve across the board.  March is too far away.  The weight of the world on her shoulders has become too heavy.  Scared and confused and broken, she ends her life.  Her pain ends, but her family’s pain has just begun.  Why didn’t she tell them?  She was scared she’d be judged or mocked.

That last girl could have been me.  At 18 years old, I moved out of my parent’s home because of circumstances that could not be reconciled.  5 days after moving out, I checked myself into a behavior health center.  My birthday is in March.  Had my birthday been in June, I would not be alive today.  I would not have made it those next 3 months.  I needed help and I didn’t think I could ask my family for it.  There are thousands of people like me.  People who are begging for the pain to stop aren’t strong enough to expose their deepest, darkest side to their parents.  We need help and mom and dad aren’t the kind of help we need.  We need doctors with degrees and training to save our lives – that’s why we require such an extensive education to handle crisis situations, such as these.

There are already modifications in place that require parental involvement in mental health situations: 

• At any behavior center, if the child is under 18, they require you meet with your parent/guardian in the presence of a counselor at the end of treatment to discuss the coping techniques the child is going to utilize to keep themselves on a healthy road to recovery.  They also discuss what the parent can do for the child to make the transition easier.  These are discussions that should DEFINITELY be a part of any mental health treatment of a minor.  BUT, this discussion should occur at the end of treatment, when the child is stronger, rather than requiring the parent to allow their child to seek treatment in the first place.
• In any counseling situation, the counselor is required to report “dangerous situations or behaviors” to the parent.  The parent is made aware of any situation that may need their support.  Also, at any time, the parent may call and request information of the frequency of visits their child has made to the counselor’s office in a school setting.  If the parent is concerned about his/her child, he/she may request that the counselor speak with his/her child “just to check in.”
• In matters of substance abuse or eating disorders, a parent can check their child in at any time to a recovery facility with little to no questioning from a counselor.  The intake session involves the parent as much as they would like to be involved.

I would like to respectfully submit that we are targeting the wrong group of people.  This bill requires the child to be the adult.  The child must go to mom or dad and ask for help.  The child must take their care into their own hands by being the first one to act.  The responsibility should not be on the child.  The responsibility of communication within a family should be placed on the adult.  The child should be allowed to seek personal help on a private level.  We all deserve the right to privacy.  But the parent should be involved enough in his/her child’s life that he/she knows when their child is not emotionally balanced.  The parent should have full rights to know what’s going on in their child’s life, but they should not HAVE to be involved.  Because there are situations where this sort of involvement could potentially hurt the child worse, rather than save them.  This bill will be effective in opening the line of communications in middle to upper-middle class families, but it leaves everyone else out.  It creates more problems for all other families.  It halts the recovery of anyone who is unwilling or unable to receive parental consent for mental health care.  This bill may save a few mother-daughter relationships, but at what cost?  The lives of hundreds of teens across the state? 

This is wrong.

Respectfully Yours,

An Experienced Mental Health Survivor

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