My Coming Out Story

Up until the summer before my senior year of high school, I was the most conservative person you could imagine.  Looking back on my life, I'm embarrassed at how judgmental I was.  I was against all things liberal and wasn't even interested in hearing an opposing argument to my beliefs.  What I believed was the only thing that mattered to me.  I'm not proud of that person.  However, there are many people that would say "she used to be such a good girl."  You see, the town I grew up in, this sort of closed minded thinking was appropriate and widely accepted.  It wasn't just me -- most of those around me went to the same churches and held the same beliefs.  It was cool to proclaim to be a Christian in my high school.  I'm not saying that everyone lived like they were "followers of Christ," but many people did profess their faith openly.  It was probably more unheard of to hear that someone didn't believe in God than to hear that someone did.  What can I say, we were the products of our raising: small, southern, conservative town.  I was more extreme than most, but I definitely wasn't the most extreme.

The summer before my senior year, I came out to my parents.  It was a total accident.  I didn't want to tell them.  My step-mom was the first to know.  She noticed I was getting particularly close to a homosexual co-worker.  She started poking around in my life.  Eventually we got into an argument about spending time with the aforementioned co-worker and it just came out.  It wasn't planned.  It wasn't a conversation.  I never got the opportunity to tell my father -- my step-mom handled that for me.  They acknowledged it for a few days and then they decided that "I wasn't actually gay."  Then I started talking about a girl that I was attracted to.  Again, it was brushed off and never really discussed.  I told my mom the weekend after my brother's college graduation.  She was devastated.  I didn't hear from her for months after I told her.  

After my parents knew, my feelings were kept very private.  It wasn't until I met Jordan that I began to open up about my feelings towards women again.  I met Jordan in December of my senior year of high school.  She worked at Moe's and I worked at Old Navy in Burlington, NC.  If you aren't familiar with the area, Moe's is directly across from Old Navy and it's one of two reasonably priced, non-fast food places to eat in that shopping center.  Naturally, I ate there frequently because it was quick, cheap, and I could walk instead of driving, which meant I didn't have to find a parking spot when I came back from my break.  Jordan and I met at Moe's.  To make a long story short, I ate there every day for a week and when she didn't get the hint I asked her out on a date.  By "asked her out on a date," I mean I told her that she was taking me on a date the next day.  I told her the time and place...and she showed up (:  We joke that she's been doing what I say ever since.

When Jordan came into my life is when everything changed.  My parents didn't take kindly to her.  They would call her and harass her.  They held an intervention in which they called her and said awful things about me to her and attempted to convince her that she didn't want to date me.  They also held interventions on my end, telling me that I couldn't see her.  We weren't allowed to see each other.  We weren't allowed to talk to each other.  We had no means of communication.  For one full month, I had no idea if she was even alive.  Eventually, my parents invited Jordan to dinner with them.  By invited, I mean they said "it would be in your best interest to have dinner with us."  We went to Elizabeth's Pizza.  My parents were equipped with a list of questions for Jordan and myself to answer and they tried their damnedest to make us hate one another.  After the dinner ended, they drove me to a psychiatric hospital and tried to have me committed.   The doctor told them that there wasn't anything wrong with me -- that doctor gave me the strength to make it through the next few months.  With everyone around me pushing so much negativity my way and telling me how awful I was, having someone with a medical degree say there's nothing wrong with me allowed me to hold on to the person I knew I was.

As my 18th birthday approached, I knew I would be faced with even harder times.  I turned 18 on March 1st and I was forced to choose between my family and Jordan.  I chose Jordan.  This may seem crazy.  I had only known her 3 months.  I know.  But to me, choosing Jordan wasn't choosing her forever (at least not at the time) - it was choosing to stand up for myself.  It was choosing to live my life as a free, happy, GAY woman.  It was acknowledging that I could never be myself at home and to be happy, I needed the freedom to be me.  

That week was the hardest week of my life.  I lost my family, my home, my job, and my sanity all at once.  I had nothing.  For the following two weeks I received threatening emails and phone calls from various people.  My father attempted to have me arrested for theft because his garage door opener was in my car when I left.   My parents were calling my school to find out where I was.  It was a really stressful time.  It was hard. Eventually, things cooled off.  The situation diffused itself a little bit.  About a month later, I got an email inviting me to dinner and asking "do you have the balls to face us again?"  I ceased contact with them altogether.  

So, where are we now?  Well, my dad and step mom didn't attend my high school graduation, my wedding, or have any part in my life whatsoever.  Every so often, I'll hear from them.  I'll get a text (maybe) once every three months.  They aren't involved in my life and I've come to terms with that.  My mother and I have begun to talk on a regular basis.  She attended my high school graduation.  She was not at my wedding.  But we do speak on the phone.  She knows where I live.  She's been to Hickory some.  She has even begun to see Jordan for short periods of time.  She acknowledges that Jordan is a part of my life and that she's very important to me.  

My story of coming out is not a story of success.  It doesn't seem to have much of a happy ending.  I left behind a lot of my old life.  I lost a lot.  However, I AM HAPPY.  My story was a long, hard road, but it's brought me to a wonderful place.  I get to wake up every morning next to the woman I love.  I'm so happy with where I am today.  I can't fathom anyone being more in love than we are.  Jordan is SO good to me.  She loves me much more than I deserve.  I guess, the point of me sharing this part of my story is because many people are so scared of coming out.  They don't know where their journey will take them.  I'm here to say that it is really hard, but stand your ground and fight your fight because it is the most worthwhile thing I've ever done with my life.  The struggle will be worth it.  You will find true joy at the end of the road.  Don't settle for second best when the love of your life is staring you straight in the eyes.  

"No great love ever came with out a great struggle."