Enough, Right Now

If you don't know what postsecret is, you should check it out!  Click here.

Anyway, I read a postsecret today that said: "All you are right now, in this moment, is enough."  I wrote a big long post about how much this means to be.  I explained how I spend each day trying to progress and move forward, but I never rest in how far I've come.  This statement has allowed me to spend some time just being proud and peaceful in the steps I've already taken.  It was a long post full of wisdom and wellness...but I'm not going to post it.  Instead, I'm going to let you meditate on it.  And I'll leave you with this:

Today, I remember we are broken creatures.

I remember our brokenness is not the end, that we can let the light through the cracks.

What Lies Within

"All reactions to external stimuli can be traced back to an evolutionary rationale.  You pull your hand away from fire to avoid physical harm.  You get butterflies before an important speech because the adrenaline running through your veins has caused a physiological fight-or-flight response. There is no evolutionary context within which people's response to music makes sense -- the tapping of a foot, the urge to sing along or get up and dance, there's just no survival benefit to these activities.  For this reason, some believe that our response to music is proof that there's more to us than just biological and physiological mechanics -- that the only way to be moved by the spirit, so to speak, is to have one in the first place."  -Jodi Picoult

Inevitably, every time I log in to Facebook, my news feeds are filled with updates on people's lives, photos of the previous day's events, random rants about work or other stressful situations, political opinions, and song lyrics.  That's right, song lyrics.  We've all done it and we've all seen it done.  Music speaks to us.  Music compels us to do or say things that we may otherwise not have the strength to do or say.  Music can make us feel confident and cheer us up.  It can also make us feel sad and solemn.  Jodi Picoult (along with hundreds of theologians) suggests that music also proves we have a soul.  The quote I've posted above explains that our instinctive actions all have a purpose: we do or don't do things to avoid harm.  For example, our natural instinct when we touch something hot is to pull away as to not get burned.  But when music comes on, our natural instinct to sing, dance, tap our feet, etc have no survival purpose.  There's no reason why we should naturally begin to move to the music.  The only explanation is that something within us craves the emotions that are provoked when music is played.  Thus, proving that we have a soul, a spirit, or SOMETHING unexplained within us.

You have a soul.  It's where you derive your courage, bravery, and confidence.  It's where we find the strength to fight.  So, if you've lost hope, believe in yourself again.  Because you were made for so much more than the mundane life you've been living.  You were born beautiful, smart and talented.  You were made to be different, extraordinary.  Wherever you are and whatever you're facing is nothing compared to the heart and soul that is within you.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine as children do.  It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  -Marianne Williamson

You have heart.  Go be fearless.

Something that Matters

Yesterday was a really cool experience.  Yesterday I went to Estee Lauder school for my first holiday forum.  I got to meet some "higher ups" in the company.  We got to try products that haven't been released to the public yet.  We were given lots of cool things and learned a lot about the direction the company is headed in for the holiday season.  I met other Lauder girls from the counters in my district.  Basically, I got paid to play with makeup and perfume with 20 girls that are just like me.  It was awesome.  I really do feel like I've found a place to thrive.  I don't love Hickory (where I live) and I definitely don't love Morganton (where I work), but I do love my job, my home, my co-workers, and my family.  Makeup isn't where I saw myself 5, 3, or even 1 year ago...but it's been good for me.  It's an outlet of creativity and a place where I can be myself.  Working for Lauder is inspiring -- the company, as a whole, has so much heart and energy.  I love it!

If I had been working for this company a year ago, I would hate my job.  I wouldn't hate my job because it's a bad job...I would hate it because I hated everything.  I'm not talking about a "strong dislike", I mean HATE.  I wasn't happy...I didn't want to be.  I didn't want to be.  Let me say it again, I didn't want to be happy.  This is where depression kills us: it takes away our will to the point where being happy isn't even something we hope to achieve ever again.  We live in a rut because that's what we think we're supposed to do.  We deny ourselves joy because we think we don't deserve it.  I've got news for you, YOU DO!  You deserve to love and flourish in the life you've been given.  You weren't meant to just "get by" by the skin on your teeth.  

"Mom" shared this picture with me today.  I really liked it -- really describes my life perfectly (:

We have to make a decision to live.  You can't expect to get better without doing anything.  You have to "believe that your life could be wonderful."  Allow yourself to enjoy things that are enjoyable.  Tell yourself you DO have time to smile today and that SOMETHING (be it big or small) is worth smiling about!  My therapist (Emily) is always really blunt with me -- we just have that type of relationship.  She said to me one time, "It's no wonder you're so depressed: I would be too, if I never tried anything that mattered."  Try something that matters...to you or to someone else!  Try being a good person or try laughing.  Try going to work or school and enjoying it!  Or you can try to be miserable...and your life will be miserable, at best.

The choice is yours.

Feels Like Home

I stumbled across this tonight.  It's my wedding vows:

Mary Oliver once asked "What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"  I've thought long and hard about this question and I've finally found the perfect answer- "who knows?!"  And I have decided that it's okay that the answer is unknown.  Because today I'm vowing to follow you into the unknown.  I vow to help you love life, and all of its mysteries and adventures.  I vow to prove that love exists even when you're sure it doesn't.  I vow to hold your hand and your heart as tightly as I can, even when you don't want me to.  I vow to stand by you, regardless of any reservations I may have.  I vow to keep you strong, through  the strength you've given me.  And, Jordan, I vow to remind you that you are truly loved for who you are...every day, for the rest of your life.  I love you.

I love my wife.  I truly do.  Most of the time people see us joking around and having a good time, but they never see the serious side of our relationship.  People wonder why we're together.  Well, we're smitten by one another.  We poke fun and we joke around, but she is the only person I trust with my heart.  I intend to spend the rest of my life with her...she is my perfect partner.  I love her so incredibly much.

Anyway, on to our wedding day...

I walked down the aisle to Chantal Kreviazuk's "Feels Like Home."  It was the perfect song for Jordan and myself, and our relationship as a whole.  Everything about that song is everything that I feel for Jordan and there's no other song I would have rather had played on my wedding day.  It was also a complete accident.  I had my playlist set out and all together and directions typed up for my DJ.  The family was supposed to walk in to Ron Pope's Perfect For Me.  Then my bridesmaids and groomsmen were supposed to walk in to Feels Like Home.  I was supposed to walk in to a traditional wedding song, Cannon in D.  However, somehow the family was escorted more quickly than planned and the bridesmaids and groomsmen shuffled in to the same Ron Pope song.  Feels like Home was next in the queue and the DJ didn't catch it before it was too late.  So, I walked.  I'm so glad I did!  Looking back on it, there's no way I would've chosen any other song to meet my wife at  the altar.

Embracing mistakes can be hard to do.  I could have gotten really upset about the situation and let it ruin my wedding day.  But I had put so much time, energy, and money into that day, that there wasn't much you could do to bring me down.  Sometimes, when things don't go as planned, they turn out better.  Sometimes, they don't.  The point is to not dwell on the times when mistakes bring about negative outcomes.  We all make mistakes and we all encounter people that make mistakes...it's inevitable.  Live your life despite your mistakes not in spite of them.

Rejection

"I'm not afraid, no, not to die...I'm afraid to live and not remember why."  -Envy on the Coast, Lapse

This is, quite possibly, my favorite line that Envy on the Coast has ever written.  It describes everything that is within me.  Throughout my attempts at death, life always beckoned me back.  I never wanted to die...I just never wanted to live a meaningless life.  I couldn't watch myself waste moments of other's lives.  I distinctly remember during my first panic attack screaming to Jordan, "You shouldn't have to live with me.  You shouldn't have to know me.  I'm bad for you.  I'll ruin your life."  I have no self-esteem.  I am an utter disappointment to myself.  I am also extraordinarily sensitive.  My sensitivity is something most never see.  I mask it behind sarcasm.  I actually take everything people say to and about me to heart.  

There was a particular instance that occurred revolving around my wedding.  There was a dear friend, whom I still care about, that created an uncomfortable situation for me.  I didn't know how to address it because this friend and I are a lot alike in terms of the way we perceive things.  If someone tells us what to do, we do the opposite.  We're strong and opinionated (she much more than I).  The situation went further than it should have.  It ended badly.  It ended with some of the most hurtful things that had ever been said to me.  As much as I attempted to brush it off, the situation still sticks with me.  I still think about those things that were said and I still wonder if that's what people really think about me.  I wonder if everyone sees me the way this person said in those texts.  It cut me deep -- it's something I probably won't ever really forget.  It also taught me a lot.

I learned that you can't depend on the words and actions of others to prove your value.  While the words of this individual hurt SO bad...what hurt worse was having to accept that all the kind words this person ever said to me also weren't true.  I realized that I rely too much on what other's think of me.  What happened to what I think of me?  There's a lot I don't like about myself.  There's also quite a few things that I do like about myself.  I can honestly say that for the majority of my life, I completely disregarded the most important opinion of who I am as a person: mine.  You don't have to live with me.  I don't have to live with you.  The only person you can never get away from is yourself.  So, shouldn't you like you?  Shouldn't you review yourself?  Shouldn't your opinion matter most?

"I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection." -Billy Joel

Don't Regret Regret

Earlier today I posted a video on my Facebook wall about regret. The video was of Kathryn Schulz expressing that we should not regret regret. The video struck a chord in me and I wanted to elaborate on some of her main points.

I think it's particularly painful for us now in the West in the grips of what I sometimes think of as a Control-Z culture -- Control-Z like the computer command, undo. We're incredibly used to not having to face life's hard realities, in a certain sense. We think we can throw money at the problem or throw technology at the problem -- we can undo and unfriend and unfollow. And the problem is that there are certain things that happen in life that we desperately want to change and we cannot. Sometimes instead of Control-Z, we actually have zero control. And for those of us who are control freaks and perfectionists -- and I know where of I speak -- this is really hard,because we want to do everything ourselves and we want to do it right.

There are things that we all want to go back in time to change, but what would changing them actually do? Cause more regrets? I assure you that if life were not filled with mistakes, we would not be shaped into the people that we are today. Life was meant for living...so why do we try to create a cookie cutter form of what our lives should look like, when the mystery that makes life great awaits us?

So how are we supposed to live with regret? I want to suggest that there's three things that help us to make our peace with regret. And the first of these is to take some comfort in its universality. If you Google regret and tattoo, you will get 11.5 million hits. The FDA estimates that of all the Americans who have tattoos, 17 percent of us regret getting them. That is Johnny Depp and me and our seven million friends. And that's just regret about tattoos. We are all in this together.

You are not alone in your regret. You are also justified in your regret -- it's okay to have it. It is not okay to wallow in it. Life in spite of your regret, don't drown yourself because of it.

The second way that we can help make our peace with regret is to laugh at ourselves. Now in my case, this really wasn't a problem, because it's actually very easy to laugh at yourself when you're 29 years old and you want your mommy because you don't like your new tattoo. But it might seem like a kind of cruel or glib suggestion when it comes to these more profound regrets. I don't think that's the case though. All of us who've experienced regret that contains real pain and real grief understand that humor and even black humor plays a crucial role in helping us survive. It connects the poles of our lives back together, the positive and the negative, and it sends a little current of life back into us. The third way that I think we can help make our peace with regret is through the passage of time, which, as we know, heals all wounds.

Sometimes we have to throw up our hands and allow ourselves to hurt in order to be able to move on. The passage of time heals. Allowing yourself to heal is a process, one that can't be completed in advance. We all have to heal at our own pace on our own terms.

Let me reassure you about something, some of your own regrets are also not as ugly as you think they are. The most important lesson regret can teach us is also one of the most important lessons life teaches us. And ironically, I think it's probably the single most important thing I possibly could have tattooed onto my body -- partly as a writer, but also just as a human being. Here's the thing, if we have goals and dreams, and we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don't want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn't to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them. The lesson that I ultimately learned and that I want to leave you with today is this: We need to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn't remind us that we did badly. It reminds us that we know we can do better.

This last paragraph is really something that has resonated with me today, something that I hope I don't soon forget. The mistakes I've made and the trouble I've caused is all a part of where I am today. The woman that I've become and the woman that I will be -- the person that others see me as: it's all a part of my past. There are things I wish I'd done differently, but there are also things I beat myself up over that weren't nearly as detrimental as I thought they were. My goal each day is to better myself. My next step in making myself "whole" is going to be to accept the life I've established regardless of past regrets. Things that I wish I could change don't matter, because where I am now is what's important.

I didn't do badly, but I can do better... (:

Stones Taught Me To Fly

There's something that's been bothering me for almost a week now.  We have Eli in puppy training classes.  He's in a 6 week program and he attends every Thursday.  It's a group class (there are 5 dogs in the class), which we chose so that Eli could learn how to behave even among distractions.  Last week was "Week 2: Healthy Distractions and the Loose Leash Walk."  When we got to the "loose leash walk" we separated (each owner(s) with their respective dog) and practiced the walk with our own dogs.  Eli was tugging a lot at the leash and the trainer came by to give some guidance.  She addressed the tugging and I made a comment that it's hard for me to get on to him because he has so much emotion that he really looks hurt when you scold him.  She told me that I was anthropomorphising (attributing human characteristics to an animal) my dog.  Had the conversation ended there, I wouldn't have had an issue.  However, the conversation went on.  The trainer proceeded to inform me that I baby Eli too much and she thinks that the reason I do that is because I want children and my partner does not...so to compensate for what I'm missing out on, I treat my dog like a child.  I have QUITE a few issues with this statement.  First of all, my partner wants children as much as I do.  Actually, at times, I think she wants them more than I do.  Secondly, her reasoning for why I baby my dog is completely off base.

I got Eli this past February.  He was 6 weeks old and he was my Valentine's/Birthday present from Jordan.  I was no longer suicidal, but I definitely wasn't in a good place.  Eli gave me purpose again.  I had someone that depended on me to get out of bed every morning and come home every night.  I had someone to keep me company when I felt lonely.  Jordan and I had opposite schedules when I got Eli.  I left for school at 6:30 am Tuesday-Saturday and didn't return until 6:30 pm.  Jordan typically worked 4 pm-Midnight Tuesday-Sunday.  We slept in the same bed and spent time together on Mondays.  That was our life.  I was lonely.  Then I got Eli.  He kept me company and was "there for me" in times when I started to fall...in some strange way, I feel as though Eli saved my life.  My mom blogged yesterday: "I'm not sure if I needed Leah or if Leah needed me more.  I think we needed each other at this point in our lives."  That's how Eli was for me.  He needed someone to love and take care of him...and I needed someone to help me live again.

The thing that hurts me the most about our trainer's comment is that she said it without any regard to what the actual meaning behind me babying my dog is.  She assumed that she knew what I was feeling, and that's not right.  I'm a strong person - I can handle her saying whatever she wants to me.  But for someone who isn't out of their depression yet, or is possibly still suicidal, that may have sent them over the edge.  There were times when I know that comment would have cut me deeper than our trainer can imagine.  Taking away my perspective on the one thing that is consistently good in my life may have damaged me for life.

I do want children, but that's not why I treat my dog the way I do.  I'm overly protective because I don't know what I would do without him.  I kiss and love on him because sometimes I need extra love.  He sleeps in the bed with Jordan and myself because having him there is comforting.  And I do think he has emotions.  I don't have scientific evidence that my dog "feels"...but I know that he loves.  Isn't love a feeling?  He's responds to me better than anyone else -- doesn't that indicate some sort of emotional attachment to me?  It doesn't matter if Eli actually has feelings...it matters that I feel responsible for keeping him happy.  At one point, that responsibility kept me alive.  Now, that responsibility keeps me healthy.

I guess the reason I felt the need to blog about this experience is because we, as humans, often vocalize things that we shouldn't.  Keep your assumptions and negativity to yourself.  I don't have a sign or visible ailment that indicates that I have depression.  You don't write on your forehead that you're having a bad day.  Sometimes we need a kind word and all the world has to share with us is negativity.  A positive word, kindness, and compassion can go so far.

"Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.  Kindness in giving creates love."  -Lao Tzu

No Greater Love

"How vain is it to sit down and write, when you have not stood up to live?"  -Henry David Thoreau

I have three moms.

1. My birth mom:  She and I have had our ups and downs.  We've had periods where we didn't speak at all for months (maybe even years?) at a time.  We're very different, yet so much alike.
2. My step-mother:  Until I turned 18 and moved away, I thought she could do no wrong.  I realize now, I was naive.  Let's just say, in hard times, a person's true colors show.
3. My "mom":  This is who I want to talk about today.

I'm not sure at what point my math teacher became my mom.  When I had so many problems senior year, I'm not sure why she cared so much.  I also don't know why I trusted her so much.  In a time when I literally thought the entire world was against me, I still knew that she was on my side.  Even still, I never expected her to mean so much to me, or to take on the role that she has in my life.

Mom is probably the reason I went to the hospital the first time.  When I was having thoughts of suicide and worthlessness, she convinced me that it was okay to ask for help.  She also assured me that no one had to know.  She came to the hospital the second day I was there.  I was drugged up and passed out the whole time.  She never woke me up.  She just sat there, until she had to go.  And when I woke up, there was a note...and a math book (:  When I left the hospital, she's the first person I went to see.  Throughout every other hospitalization, she always came.  She was always there.  She also scolded me every time I did something stupid without calling her.  She gave me breaks when I truly needed them, but she also pushes me harder than anyone has before.  She sees my potential and makes me work to exceed it.  The closer we got, the more alike we realized we were.

The most comforting thing about my mom is that she doesn't judge me, regardless of what I do.  The choices I make are completely up to me, and she knows that.  She always says, "As long as you're happy, I support you."  She doesn't care who I date, where I go to school, what I choose to do with my life, etc...she just wants to know that what I'm doing is good for me and is making me happy.  She reminds me to take care of myself and to be rational in my decision making.  Mom is consistently supportive.  She's also a wake up call. She has no problem with "telling me straight."  If I'm doing something stupid, she'll say it.  If I need to get my life together, she'll tell me.  Sometimes, you need that.

My mom moved pretty far away about a month and a half ago.  My apartment is a constant reminder of her (she left behind couches, a lamp, decorations, and a set of paintings that I'm extremely attached to):  at first that was hard, now it's comforting to come home and know she's with me.  It's hard not to have her here, but she's setting a good example.  She walked away from the life people expected her to live to follow her dreams and  do something that she deems meaningful, something that will make HER happy.  I know it was a hard decision for her to make.  It's scary to move to a new country and start a new life alone.  I know that she misses home: her friends, family, and overall familiarity.  I also know that she loves it over there, and if it weren't for her limited access to Facebook, I don't know if we'd ever get here back over here (joking)!  She is SO brave.  Following what makes you happy when no one else understands why is really hard to do.  Stepping away from your comfort zone and into a world of adventure is something that many of us will never successfully do.  My mom is someone to be proud of!

So, mom, I miss you a lot!  I think about you every day, but I don't worry about you at all because I know that you're taking care of you-- that's what you've always taught me.  I'm proud of the adventure you've embarked on.  I'm proud of the journey you are taking.  I'm proud of the confidence you've gained throughout this experience and I'm proud of the difference you're making in the lives of you're students.  I'm proud of the example you've set for me.  I don't know when I'll see you again, but I know that you're never too far away.  I couldn't have asked for a better mom.  I love you.

Healing

"I laughed so hard and cried so hard and healed."  -Gianna Jessen

Parts of us are invested in to various areas of our lives that provide healing without us realizing it. When we laugh with a girlfriend, or cry on our mom's laps we open ourselves up to be vulnerable.  That vulnerability allows us to trust someone...that is healing.

I got an email this morning that said, "I love you.  I miss you.  Take care of you."  This person reads my blog and she's seen me in pain.  She's seen me at my best and worst.  She also knows that sometimes I get so busy with life that I forget to heal when things hurt me.  I forget to give myself time to show myself that I'm important.  I put what I want and need on the back burner when it comes to other things.  You do it too!  Perfect example: Monday was my day off from work.  I got a call around 3 asking if I could come close the store because one of my co-workers had gotten sick.  I was exhausted!  I didn't want to go to work.  I could have said no.  They would have managed without me.  But I said yes because that's what I "should do."  Sometimes we have to put aside what we "should do" to give ourselves what we need.  That two letter word can be so hard to say, "no."  Just try it.  "No, I have to take care of me today."

There's a fine line between taking care of yourself and spoiling yourself.  While it's alright to indulge sometimes, if it happens too often it becomes an unhealthy standard.  Learn how to love yourself and give yourself what you need without putting your responsibilities off on other people.

This year, I had to slowly rebuild myself from the ground up.  Living alone with Jordan gave me the space to heal.  It's taught me independence and how to rely on myself.  But that doesn't mean I've been alone.  If anything, I've seen just how many people I have supporting me.  More than any of that, this year has taught me to love myself.  I've never been confident in saying that before, and it's scary to admit I didn't feel that way, but it's true.  This year has been a year of ups and downs.  Realizing that this year only has two and a half months left, is mind blowing to me.  I've come so far from where I was.  I've also got so many steps ahead of me.

I want to challenge you to an early New Year's resolution.  Decide with me, to get ahead of the game and step out of your depression now...don't wait until January.  Take it slow, do the best you can.  Laugh, cry, love, hurt, and heal.  And know that there's a whole world full of support waiting with open arms to see you through.

Quick Update

Just a quick update:

Yesterday was much better and I'm feeling good today too.  I don't know when I'll have time to blog again, but I wanted everyone to know that I'm okay.  So, don't worry about me.  Little bumps in the road are just that, bumps in the road.  While they should not be ignored, there is also no reason to overreact.  My therapist says "minimizing the situation only makes it worse."  She also knows that maximizing it will do the same.  Anyway, I've got a very busy week ahead that includes a full work week and a very important birthday that I'll be driving home for on Friday, but intend to blog as soon as I get a chance. (:

I Still Relapse

Today was a really difficult day.  I spent much of the day laying on the couch crying.  Jordan managed to get me up around 5 pm.  I took a shower (sorta).  I didn't do my hair or makeup.  We ran two errands and I was exhausted.  I cooked dinner and then went right back to the couch.  About an hour later, we walked Eli.  Now, I'm back on the couch.  I have a really supportive wife -- she's done everything she can to make the day easier.  She didn't get angry when I said I couldn't run anymore errands.  She was patient and calm throughout the day.  She laid down with me for much of the day, but helped me get up when she felt it was "time."  She's always there for me when times are tough.

There's no particular reason why I'm so upset...at least, I haven't fully figured it out yet.  I'm feeling really lonely in Hickory.  It's hard to only know one person.  I also miss a certain someone that's moved to Bahrain.  She was always been there for me when I just need a break or someone to talk to.  I miss my sister too.  I'm exhausted too.  My new job is awesome, but it's much more stressful than any job I've ever had before.

The point is, I still relapse.  It's not always easy.  Depression  still gets the best of me sometimes.  And I often still need extra love and care.  I'm glad for the possibility of people reading this blog pausing to consider the matter of depression, but something in me says it's not enough.  And something in me says that if we're not careful, the heart of the matter gets lost in the language.  The words "suicide prevention" don't do it justice.  Because "it" is people.  Real people living real lives.  Real people struggling with real pain.  Sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, coworkers and friends - struggling to the point of believing that they can't do it anymore.  To the point of believing that it's too late for change, hope, or healing.

This blog is an attempt to remember that depression is more than an issue or a problem or a topic.  Depression is people.  And this blog is an invitation.  I'm asking people not to give up on their stories.  I'm asking people not to give up on their friends.  It is my belief that every single person is a living story, and it is my belief that every single story matters.  And if suicide is a story that ends too soon, Love Story is me hoping that people will stay alive to see their stories change.

We are all made for love and wonder.  Please stay alive.

Easy as One, Two, Tea!

"Life is not merely being alive, but being well."  -Teavana

When people talk to me about my blog, I often hear "I'm so glad you're doing better.  Things really seem to have turned around for you."  This is a bit of a misconception that I cannot ignore.  My situation isn't what has changed.  It's me.  My thoughts and attitudes are now geared around what will keep me healthy.  I take every day, one day at a time.  It's easy to do that when you've spent a year never knowing if you would be here tomorrow.  I think to myself everyday, "what do I need right now, to ensure that I feel healthy right now?"  Stability is a process...it is also a daily decision.  When that decision becomes hard to make, sometimes we need a break.

Finding a healthy habit is about as important to mental stability as having a counselor.  Finding something that's interesting to you, relaxes you, is affordable and healthy can often be a challenge.  Lots of people work out.  Working out definitely helps keep me healthy, but when I'm already depressed, I'm not motivated (at all!) to go to the gym.  Some people like to clean...that doesn't do anything for me.  My healthy habit is tea.  I love it.  I love looking at tea, shopping for tea, finding new teas to try, learning about tea, learning about ways to combine teas, the list goes on!  I love tea!  Tea for me, is relaxing and interesting.  I can go to the store and explore new flavors if I need a distraction.  I can sip some tea if I need relaxation.  If I'm feeling drained, I can brew some caffeinated tea.  If I can't sleep, I'll make a calming tea.  Tea is healthy and has lots of natural benefits for you mind and body.  Tea is also inexpensive (generally).  You can find it for around $2.  You can also "splurge" and buy a more expensive tea.  You can start small with just one mug and one type of tea to brew with just regular sugar to sweeten it.  You can work your way up to entire tea sets.  There's so much to love about tea!

Tea may not be for you.  But a distraction is.  This sounds like "avoidance" which sounds unhealthy.  That's not the case at all.  Distraction is actually a technique that you learn in therapy and it's really useful!  Sometimes, we need a break from our depression.  Sometimes, after feeling good for a while, you start to feel worn down from the burden of staying healthy...a distraction allows us to enjoy ourselves without precedent.

Healthy people are hopeful people and hope is key in dealing with depression.

Reach up, Reach out

I am a survivor.  I've never liked saying that.  Acknowledging it, admitting it.  In saying those four words, I have to own the fact that what happened, actually happened.  But as the one year mark of my final suicide attempt approaches, I think I'm finally ready to believe that I am a survivor.  There were days and moments that I never thought those words would be true.  Times when I wanted to give up and say, "I can't do this."  Times when I DID give up and say, "I can't do this."  In those moments, I really did feel that way.

I've spent months not living, just being alive.  I've spent months in hospitals, programs, units, and sessions around people, just like me, who aren't living.  I still struggle sometimes.  There are still days that I wonder how I made it through.  One year later, this is the most important thing I've learned...this is what gets me through the day:

You are living a story, and you should not give up on it.

You may not be ready to tell your story yet.  You may not even be ready to acknowledge the gravity of your situation yet.  But in honor of the story you are not yet able to tell, LIVE YOUR LIFE!  Make it worthy of being put in a book.  Maybe you aren't there yet?  That's okay too.  What can you do?  Ask for help.  Millions of people struggle with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.  The majority of those people never get the help they need and deserve.  What you do with your pain - how you respond to it - matters.  It's possible to change.  Remember the months I spent around people who aren't living?  I also saw those people take brave steps towards hope, help, and healing.  I've seen people sitting in group therapy for the first time, people stepping into treatment, and people calling a crisis hotline.  I've seen people pursue sobriety and stability.

Great help exists and the first step is often the hardest one to take.  If you're struggling, please talk to someone.  It's okay to ask for help.  People need other people.  It's not easy, but it will change your life.