Becoming Great

"My life didn't please me.  So, I created my life."  -Coco Chanel

In case the world didn't already know, I'm the biggest Chanel fan there is.  I don't think there's anyone who loves Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel more than I do.  Don't get me wrong, I'm in love with several designers, including Michael Kors, Kate Spade, and Henri Bendel, to name a few favorites...but no one has ever, or will ever, outdo Chanel.  From shoes and clothing to handbags, accessories and makeup - she nailed it all.  She made the "little black dress" a classic.  Her simple, sophisticated style screamed her motto "luxury must be comfortable, otherwise it is not luxury."  Her most famous perfume, Chanel No. 5, has won 17 awards and remains a top-seller today.  Chanel is the epitome of a fashion icon.  She was a world renowned genius of the beauty industry.  And I love everything that ever is, was, and will be labeled "Chanel."

Chanel came from nothing.  Not many people know it, but Chanel was an orphan.  After her mother's death, she was put into an orphanage by her father who worked as a peddler.  In the orphanage, she was raised by nuns who taught her how to sew.  Around the age of 20, she opened her first shop (which was funded by her boyfriend) in Paris selling hats.  She begun designing clothing as an extension of her hat business.  She was complimented on clothing that she wore in the store that she had made herself.  She would offer to make the same clothing for her customers, which spurred her clothing line.  In the 1920's, while Alice Paul was concerned with women's equality and suffrage, Coco Chanel was taking her business to new heights, launching her first fragrance, Chanel No. 5.  It was the first perfume to feature the designer's name. During the 1920's, she also introduced the infamous "Chanel suit" and the "little black dress."  Back then, black was associated with mourning.  Chanel showed the world that black could be chic.  Her career only grew and developed as the years went on: she remained on the cutting edge of fashion for the duration of her life.  Chanel died in 1971 and about 10 years later the company was taken over by Karl Lagerfeld who carried on the Chanel legacy.  While still known for her cosmetics, fragrances, clothing, and accessories -- Chanel's life (particularly her witty quotes) has also been featured in many popular literary pieces and movies.

Now I'm sure most of you aren't nearly as interested as I am in the life of Coco Chanel and this blog obviously isn't a fashion blog.  However, I wanted to talk about someone memorable, who had come from nothing...because I want to talk about dreams.  I want to talk about creating the life you want to live.  You see, my interest in the beauty industry isn't my only fascination with Chanel.  She is simply one of the most incredible women there ever was.  Chanel built herself up.  "From rags to riches" doesn't even come close to describing her.  When I think about how she started in an orphanage and created a multi-billion dollar company that has flourished for over 90 years, I can't help but me amazed.  From being unwanted to becoming one of the most sought after women of her time - that IS Coco Chanel.

Chanel's story is a pretty extreme example of the point I'm trying to make.  If you haven't caught on yet, here it is: who you are, the things that define you, the mark you make on this world, all of those things are up to you.  You hold the power to steer yourself in any direction you choose.  The things people remember you for are all up to you.  We won't all become Chanel.  However, we can all be known as good, kind people that give more than they take and offer to help however they can.  We can choose to do something great - big or small!  We can choose to advocate for our friends and our communities when issues arise.  We have the power to dream and love and create...all we have to do is try.  If we share who we are with those around us, - if we find common goals with the people we interact with - who knows what we could accomplish.  Who knows where our lives will take us.  The point is, we can choose it.  Being great isn't about luck.  Greatness is about seeing who you want to be and doing everything you can to be that person.  Some of us will become those great people on small scales and some, like Chanel, on much larger scales.

"You have brains in your head.  You have feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.  You're on your own and you know what you know.  And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go."  -Dr. Seuss

I'm Not Waving, I'm Drowning

"The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why."  -Mark Twain

Sometimes there's a part of me that can't let go of what I used to be.  Knowing how hard I worked to get away from my depression, sometimes I just want to forget it.  But it's like there's something within me that won't let me let go of the fact that I was once a person unworthy of living.  I will probably never go a day without thinking about it.  I will probably never be able to forget my biggest breakdown.  My lowest of lows will probably stick with me forever.  I guess it doesn't have to be that way.  But I'm not sure I'm strong enough to forget.  I don't think I could forget.  I don't think I should forget.

Remembering makes me who I am.  I am sensitive and I am passionate.  I think those two traits can be fully contributed to what I went through with my mental disorder.  I also think that remembering is empowering to those around me.  When I choose to openly share my story of anxiety and depression, my feelings of loneliness and worthlessness, and my thoughts of self-harm and even death, I feel as though, in some small way, it liberates others to talk about their struggles with the same issues.  Perhaps allowing myself to be vulnerable and publicly sharing that vulnerability, sheds light on similar situations.  It provides commonality and comradeship to know that there IS someone like you.  Remembering also reminds me of how beautiful life is.  It reminds me to not take my time for granted.  I'm reminded to listen more and to do more.  Remembering where I once was, doesn't keep me from going back, it pushes me forward.

My depression isn't who I am.  It isn't who I was.  At one point it may have felt as though it defined me, but it doesn't now.  Dealing with my mental illness rather than killing myself over it has created a strong, brave woman that doesn't back down.  Having a mental illness to the severity that I do, allows me to be weak and afraid sometimes too.

I've never disclosed my actual diagnosis.  I always generalize my mental illness as depression or some variation of that word.  The reason for that is because people get really caught up in scary medical terms that have no actual bearing on anything relevant.  Also, once you've seen as many doctors as I have, you're pretty much diagnosed with everything there is and trying to figure that out can be messy.  There isn't a medication for my disorder.  There is a specific type of therapy that address this disorder in particular.  But most of it is addressed by lifestyle management.  By now, some of you psychology majors (my wife included) may have figured it out.  I have generalized anxiety, severe depression (some of my doctors throw that word "manic" around, but that diagnosis is still up for debate), and borderline personality disorder.  What does all of that mean?  Well, years of therapy (I am SO thankful to have Emily who has been with me for over 10 years).  Medications to manage the anxiety and depression.  A great support team.  And a lifelong struggle to wellness.  Things most people acquire naturally, I have to consciously make an effort to do.

I always start my blogs with a relevant quote.  You're probably thinking, why did she choose that quote for this blog?  Obviously, I wasn't born to deal with depression...but I do think I was born to advocate.  Where I find purpose is in standing up for something that matters.  I believe that I have "ideas worth spreading."  I believe that what I say and do and write, even if it's just on a minuscule scale, do make a difference.  I believe that  my passion for the well-being and happiness of those around me drives me to do good things.  I believe that I can make an impact on the world around me.  And I believe all of those things wholeheartedly.  I also believe that I never would have found that calling had it not been for the emotional instability that once controlled my life.  So, today, I will take my struggles and my diagnosis and I will remember them.  I will be thankful for them.  I will allow them to push me forward.  And I will live my life.

Small Actions, Big Dreams

Banding together can change lives.  Being a whole community with one common cause can change the world.  And even the most seemingly insignificant things, can inspire the greatest ideas known to man.  Taking a minute out of your day, can touch a life in a big way.  And understanding the importance of a small action doesn't come close to understanding the impact that action has made.

A great friend of ours, Coan, is getting married in approximately 100 days!  We love weddings and we love Coan -- so we're asking for your help.  Coan entered a contest with David's Bridal to win $2,500 to help pay for her wedding.  She and Garrett are paying for everything themselves.  We paid for our own wedding and we know how expensive that can be.  Coan is also in graduate school with Jordan so we REALLY know how expensive that is.  So, I'm asking you to help them save some funds.  All you have to do is vote for Coan and Garrett's proposal story on Facebook.  Here's how it works:

Step 1: Click here and "like" the David's Bridal Facebook page.  (After you like the page, you should be redirected to Garrett and Coan's entry)
Step 2: Click the word "vote" at the bottom of the page.
Step 3: Share it with all of your friends and ask them to vote too!

You can vote once a day, every day.

It's that easy!  Together, we can make Coan's dreams come true!

Risk the "What Ifs"

One of my favorite co-workers said today, "Leah, do you think your marriage will last?  You're so young."  At first, I didn't know what to say to her.  And then I said, "I think it will, but what if it doesn't?  What if I decide 10 years from that Jordan isn't the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?  What if we fall out of love?"  My co-worker responded, "Why did you get married so young?" 

My response: "Well, Jordan will mess up.  I will mess up.  We will scream and fight -- we'll get so mad at each other that we'll want to leave.  We'll make good decisions and bad ones.  We'll have hard times and we'll have good times and we'll have fun times and we'll have sad times.  Our marriage may someday come to an end...but imagine if it didn't!  What if we're together forever?  What if the marriage that no one thought would last is the most beautiful love story you've ever heard?  What if the words 'to death do us part' ring true for us 70 years from now?  What if we talked about the issues we had instead of leaving over them?  What if we decided to work things out with one another instead of walking away?  What if love held us together, even when our actions aren't good?  What if, we're together forever?"

I think it's worth the risk.  I think the possibility of being married to the woman I love for 70 years is worth the risk of a broken heart 10 years from now.  I love being married.  I love the life we have together.  I love being separates: Jordan and Leah.  I love being together: The Poole's.  I love our fights and our flaws...and I love being loved despite our flaws.  I love never going to bed angry.  I love how much Jordan wiggles when she's trying to get comfortable, even though it drives Milo (our little Maltese) and I crazy.  So what if our marriage doesn't work out?!?  I'll have the beautiful time we've spent together to show for it.  And WHAT IF IT DOES?  

I'm sure some of you will be very confused by this post.  I don't ever foresee not having Jordan in my life.  I'm not saying that divorce is easy or okay.  I think it's an awful thing to experience.  What I am saying, is that I'm willing to take my chances...because if I sat around all day contemplating "what ifs" I'd never get to experience anything.  I wouldn't have anything to show for my life.  Risks aren't always worth while.  Risks sometimes make us fall hard.  Sometimes, our risks change our lives in ways we could never imagine.  You can live your life conservatively, never trying anything new, and wonder why everything is so mundane.  But I have chosen something different.  I've chosen to take risks and enjoy life.  I've chosen to love and be loved.  I've chosen to throw "what ifs" out the window.  I want to live my life...not just think about it.  

So back to my co-worker.  I know you're eager to hear her final words, right?  Well, here it is:

"Leah, you will have a long, loving marriage because of who you are.  You're dedicated and you have a good heart.  Your life together won't always be easy, but you'll stick with Jordan and you'll make it through whatever trials you encounter.  Your understanding of one another will grow throughout the years.  You'll mess up.  Jordan will mess up.  That's okay.  You'll look back 50 years from now and know that you couldn't have found anyone more perfect for you.  You're best friends and you will be forever."

I appreciate those words so much.  This particular co-worker lost her husband several years ago and any time you ask about him, she says, "I love him so much.  He was my best friend.  We did everything together. Over 40 years of marriage.  40 of the most amazing years I could ever ask for."  I hope to be able to say those words, one day.  But if I spent my life wondering if our marriage will last, I never will.  

So, call me risky, but I don't regret getting married at 19.

Thankful for Struggles

I got a message on Facebook yesterday about my blog.  It always makes me happy to get feedback and comments.  Sometimes people share their stories and sometimes they thank me for sharing mine.  Sometimes people share encouraging words and sometimes they just say they enjoy reading.  But the message I got yesterday took me off guard.  It was full of so much emotion -- it was like this woman could feel what I was feeling when I wrote the blog.  That made me happy... it also broke my heart.  I didn't know what to say back to such a moving message.  Despite what you may think, I'm not very good at articulating my feelings.  It's easier via blog because it's not geared towards one person.  But to an individual, your words are so much more personal.  What you say, or don't say, has so much more of an impact when said to an individual, than it does when said to a group.

I'm not going to share the message with you, because it was rather personal.  I don't like to expose others' vulnerability, that's a personal choice.  However, I will share my response.

I think sometimes we have to go through a lot to discover strength and understanding. We have to encounter pain, be it emotional or physical, to help us grow and become better, stronger, more confident people. You've experienced that first hand. If life were always good, we'd never appreciate it...and we'd never know what it means to love and be loved. It's when we are our weakest that we reach out to those around us. Pain has a power that no one will ever understand, but its a necessary evil, for sure. I'm at a place now where I'm grateful for how horribly coming out went for me. It gave me strength to become my own person and to stand up for who I am. It's also taught me not to take my life for granted. I think my experience makes me appreciate Jordan more because I had to fight so hard for her...and because she fought right alongside me the whole time. In the end, I got the girl of my dreams - that's something to celebrate (: So, don't feel bad for us. We're SO happy!! But I do appreciate you reading my blog and your words are so kind!

I'm sharing this because I want all of the people who read my coming out story to know that good did come from the suffering.  I'm thankful for my experience.  I'm thankful to have learned so much about myself - my strengths and my weaknesses.  I found out who my allies were.  I lost and gained many friendships.  I cried and I laughed.  But in the end, I made it out alive.  And that's something I'm truly grateful for.

"It is nothing to die.  It is frightful not to live."
-Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

Love Wins

"You make me feel something I absolutely cannot feel."  -Rachel, Imagine Me & You

If you saw Jordan and I separately, in a public place, you wouldn't think that either of us are gay.  When people find out I'm married, they immediately assume I have a husband...the same thing happens to Jordan.  It's always fun for us to see the surprised looks on people's faces when they realize that we are both feminine.  We both look like girls.  We both act like girls.  We both do our hair and wear makeup.  We both get dressed up and wear jewelry.  And there's nothing wrong with that.

My favorite comment people make is "which one of you is the man?"  WHAT?!  Neither of us.  I married a woman.  If I wanted to marry a man, I would have.  If I wanted the woman that I married to look, talk, and dress like a man, I probably should have married a man.  I don't want to marry a man, thus, I do not want my wife to be a man.  After we respond that we are both women, there's no men involved (that's, quite literally, the definition of lesbian), they usually try to guess.  Now, if we are looking at who's more girly, your assumptions are probably wrong.  Yes, I am more into designers and fashion.  I love all things sparkly.  But, every time we move, the person who is most eager to decorate the apartment is ALWAYS Jordan.  As soon as the furniture is in she's running around deciding where to put what.  And guess who pulls out the nails and hammer and hangs it all?  ME!  That's right -- when the door broke, I fixed it.  When the screw came out of one of our kitchen chairs, I fixed it.  When the toilette is clogged, I plunge.  Jordan is most certainly not the "handy(wo)man."  Now, when we go out, who's more likely to wear a dress?  That's me, for sure.  It's not that Jordan doesn't like dresses...she owns several.  She just dresses for comfort, while I dress for style.  We both like sports.  She prefers basketball (because it's indoors and she hates cold weather).  I'm a football fan.  In our house, we support the Carolinas - she's a UNC fan, I'm a USC fan.  We don't really watch pro sports, other than the Superbowl.  We both enjoy video games, though I definitely play more than she does.  We read the same types of books.  We watch the same types of movies.  She's more emotional than I am, but I am much more free-spirited.

Believe it or not, this is actually more common than you think.  Two women, being in a relationship, without definition of who is the "man" and who is the woman.  One of my favorite youtubers, Lucy from kaelynandlucy, posted to tumblr on the topic back in June. She writes:

Kaelyn and I have never discussed who should wear the trousers (I use the term ‘should’ through gritted teeth - ‘should’ indicates obligation and duty - bitch please, far from it!), because, quite simply, it never occurred to us. Moreover, it’s unnecessary. We don’t need a power struggle. We are in a lesbian relationship - no males involved - so why would we need a man, and why does one person need to have power over the other in a relationship?

What’s so wrong with being equal?

The point is, we are two women.  It hurts our feelings when you call one of us a man.  Neither of us want to be seen as a masculine person.  "She's the man in the relationship," isn't something that we want to hear.  It's the equivalent to me calling your husband a girl or your wife a boy.  We are equals.  We are a partnership.  We exist together and separately...as women.  Why would we put such limitations on our relationship?  How about just letting us love each other without the label?

"New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage.  It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling.  When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting.  No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon.  And for the record, all marriages are 'same sex' marriages.  You get married, and every night, it's the same sex."  - Bill Maher

If you would like to read the rest of Lucy's post, click here.  Seriously, check it out -- she's awesome!  And when you're done there, check out the kaelynandlucy youtube channel.  Be sure to hit that subscribe button...they love it when you do!

Resolutions

"Sometimes it feels like there are so many things we can't control: earthquakes, floods, reality shows.  But it's important to remember the things we can, like: forgiveness, second chances, fresh starts.  Because the one thing that turns the world from a lonely place to a beautiful place is love.  Love in any of its forms.  Love gives us hope, hope for the New Year.  That's New Year's Eve to me.  Hope, and a great party."  -Sam, New Year's Eve

I've struggled this year with deciding on a New Year's Resolution.  Should I resolve to lose 10 pounds?  Well, I've been losing weigh steadily over the past few months and I'm happy with the rate I'm moving at now...I don't want to put a number or restraint on weight loss because I want to make lifestyle changes, not reach a goal and quit.  I want to feel healthy first, look healthy second.  Should I resolve to reconnect with old friends and family or give up soda or spend more time reading?  I just really feel like there are better things I could spend my year doing.  Why would I spend time searching for past relationships, rather than building new ones?  And soda and books most certainly aren't the most important things in life...so, what am I going to do with my new year?

I spent last year recovering.  Watching myself leave behind hurt and pain and become a whole again.  I'm not sure I remember being happy until now.  I had forgotten what it felt like.  I used last year to rediscover happiness, meaning, and depth in life.  My resolution was to fight depression, not just hide it.

This blog was part of my resolution.  I wanted to document the journey and maybe let someone else know that they're not alone.  I wanted to story of the kid who looked like she had it all together out there for the world to see what was really going on.  I wanted to acknowledge that my depression and my sexuality are separate issues -- sometimes people lose sight of that.  I was not depressed because I am gay and I am not gay because I was depressed.  I was depressed.  I am gay.  They did not cause each other.  They are not correlated.  I can talk about them both.  It took me until September to gain the strength to start talking about it publicly.  That's when I began blogging.  Writing that first entry was the worst.  So many "what ifs" ran through my mind.  I was afraid of what other people would think and it was a valid insecurity.  I was about to open up my most vulnerable fault to the entire internet world.  I quickly found that I had nothing to be afraid of.  I received more love and support than I ever imagined and through that I gained confidence -- something I hadn't had in a long time.

My resolution last year was all in all successful.  I had my ups and downs, but at the end of 2012, I really felt like I had done my best in recovering from depression and embarking on a happier phase of life.  So, what about this year?

This year, I'm resolving to be more.

I want to be more loving and patient with my wife.  I want to spend more time with my dog (not that he isn't already rotten!).  I'm going to call people more often "just because."  I'm going to enjoy more of life, whatever that may mean in 2013.  I don't know what will happen this new year.  I don't know the future and I don't want or need to.  I'm just resolving to embrace it with "more" of whatever it calls for.  Love, time, patience, determination, respect, morality, bravery and so on.  I'm excited about this resolution.  I'm excited about seeing myself grow as a person.  I'm excited to continue to blog my journey.  I know there will be times when I break this resolution -- that's why I have a whole year to work on it!

"Before we pop the champagne and celebrate the New Year, stop and reflect on the year that has gone by.  Remember both our triumphs and our missteps, our promises made and broken.  The times we opened ourselves up to great adventure or closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt.  Because that's what New Year's is all about - getting another chance.  The chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more.  And stop worrying about what if and start embracing what will be.  So, when that ball drops at midnight, let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other.  And not just tonight, but all year long."  -Claire Morgan, New Year's Eve

Whatever you decide to spend your year doing, just remember to make it count.