Selflessness: My 2014 Resolution

I saw this quote this week and I resonated with it immensely.  I thought "wow, that describes a lot of my struggles right now."  I'm not good at saying "no."  If someone asks for my help or for a favor, no matter how much I don't want to do it, I usually say yes.  I chalk things up to "earning good karma" or just being a decent human being.  Most of the time I don't get taken advantage of.  I think this is because as helpful as I am, I am also a strong, assertive woman and most of the people in my life know and respect that about me.  However, when I am taken advantage of, I'm always the last to know.  So when I read this poster, I thought "yeah - I can say no.  I have the right to ask for a favor every now and then.  Why don't people do for me what I do for them?  I'm done crossing oceans for people who won't jump puddles for me."  I posted the quote to twitter and a sweet follower reminded me that life just doesn't work this way...

And she's right.

There are people like me for a reason.  Life isn't about give and take.  It's about giving...and when someone gives back, that's special.  That's where you find friends and allies.  We should all be open to giving a little bit of our time and energy to the people around us.  It isn't always easy to sacrifice things that we want or need for the sake of others, but every time we do, we grow a little bit.  I feel like there are a lot more people willing to lend a hand than not.  I also feel like society has made it hard to be brave enough to take that lending hand when we need it.  When did asking for help become a sign of weakness?  When did kindness and friendship become something that was difficult to believe in?

The new year is approaching and I've finally decided on a resolution:  to be more selfless.

I've always been open about my selfishness.  The first time Jordan asked me on a date, one of the first things I said was, "You don't want to date me.  I'm selfish and twisty.  I don't know my own demons, which scares me.  And when it comes down to it, I will always think of myself over others, but I rarely put me first."  I'm not proud of my selfishness, but it's easier to accept if I'm open about it.  Being open also opens the door for people in my life to openly acknowledge when I'm being selfish and help me grow into a better person.  Being honest about my flaws helps remind me that I still have room to grow and progress to make. 

So as I read the above quote again, I'm reminded that crossing oceans is just a part of life.  I should be willing to do it regardless of what will happen to me in return.  And that brings me back to one of my favorite TWLOHA quotes:

I RESOLVE TO BE SELFLESS IN 2014.

Inequality

Dear Ingles Boy,

You and your friend had a discussion last night while I was standing in the check out line.  I wasn't paying attention to your conversation.  I was worried about making sure my produce was bagged separately from my meat.  However, I did catch the tail end of your conversation involving this sentence: "What a faggot."  You did not know that I am gay.  You did not know that I heard you.  Until I spoke up.  I hope you were thoroughly embarrassed when I called over your boss and made you replay your conversation for him.  I hope that you felt ashamed when I asked you to apologize to the people waiting in line behind me for taking up so much of their time over foolishness.  But most importantly, I hope you realize how offensive that can be.  I hope you realize that "faggots" go to the grocery store just like everyone else.  I hope you understand how your words are inappropriate.  And I hope that you NEVER say that word again.

Your words did not bother me.  I've heard it all before.  It's come from the mouths of strangers.  It's come from the mouths of my own friends and family.  Hell, I've even said it a time or two.  Your words, they're nothing new to me.  But for someone else, they could be damaging...life changing.  I was standing up for the young male or female that may walk in next week, hear the same words, and leave feeling unaccepted -- like they'll never be able to express who they truly are because YOU don't have the decency to keep your opinions to yourself.  I was standing up for the principle of equality.

Equality.

Ingles boy, I know you didn't mean to walk into such a mess.  I know that you didn't even think about the words that were coming out of your mouth.  That's exactly why I had to say something.  I hope you'll begin to think before you speak.  I hope you'll be considerate of the differences around you.  I hope you'll pass the message along and that one day, you'll understand the importance of the meaning behind the things you say.

Keep working hard, Ingles boy.  And thank you for keeping my meat and produce separate.

Holiday Slow Down

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." -John F. Kennedy

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and I must admit, I'm not excited.  For most, Thanksgiving is a time to be with their families and reflect on how much you mean to one another.  For myself and most of the my friends, it's a time for us to stress over how we're going to fit a large meal and time with family in between work shifts.  Or more importantly, calling around to find out which grocery stores will be open and fully stocked with caffeine.  Thanksgiving has become more of a challenge than a holiday for me.  How do you juggle approximately 5 hours of cooking, 2 hours of cleaning, and 15 hours of working along with entertaining friends and family?  Oh, and heaven forbid and extra guest show up and you don't have enough matching plates to accommodate the unexpected addition.  Sounds like a game show to me!

Cooking the Thanksgiving turkey is my thing.  I've done it every year since Jordan and I have been together.  This is partly because Jordan's mom isn't a huge fan of cooking and partly because it's difficult to tote a 15 pound bird 4 hours up a mountain.   So every year, I cook the turkey and our families make the drive to Asheville.

Time is something that I'm always running short on, but especially this time of year.  This is the time that I forget to slow down and enjoy the holiday.  I think part of this is because I'm in retail.  For me, this is the busiest time of the year.  Everyone is shopping and everyone is rushing.  Usually the people I'm interacting with aren't concerned with what I have planned for the holidays...they're busy thinking about the to-do list that never seems to end.  From Thanksgiving to Christmas, the lives of other people cease to matter.  That's the part of the holiday that makes me sad.  We remember our own families and we're so excited to give gifts and eat turkey, but we forget to love on the people that don't get the time to spend with their families.  My job is as accommodating as they can be around the holidays, but at the end of the day, they still have a business to run.  My point is, while you're running around this season trying to finish up your to-do list, don't forget about the people who are providing a service to you rather than spending time with their own families.  Smile at us and give us your patience because we're most certainly trying our best to make your holidays wonderful.  And at the end of the day, just know that Thanksgiving and Christmas are really just about love... everything else is extra.  So if the plates on the table don't all match or a bulb on the Christmas tree goes out, just smile and remember that imperfections keep life interesting.

Powerful Words

You are powerful.  You are strong.  You are beautiful.

I had a woman tell me on Sunday that I was changing her life.  My customers have really reached out to me lately.  I've had a lot of emotional connections with women that I've spent less than an hour with and it's been a crazy time for me.  I've had so many people make specific comments that touched me deeply.  I know the client I was with on Sunday thought that I was changing her life, but really, she was changing mine.

I didn't want to be at work on Sunday.  I was tired from a long week and had the next two and half days off and I was ready for the relaxation to start.  But I care about my job and I care about my customers, so I put on my smile and went to work.  Once I got there, the day started off slow.  I was struggling just to stay awake and my nerves were on edge.  The first person that stopped by Estee Lauder that morning knew exactly what she wanted and didn't want to chat along the way, which I was perfectly okay with.  The next five customers all had difficult situations that were a struggle to resolve.  Then a client (who will remain nameless) walked up and said "You are so beautiful."  What?  I'm sorry.  Did she just say I was beautiful?  Is she joking or just blind?  Beautiful?  Now, I am a lot of things, but beautiful is not one that I get often.  Interesting.  Smart.  Determined.  Kind.  Funny.  Those are all things I hear.  But beautiful?  No.  I stopped for a second to analyze her angle and then responded with the dumbest thing I could have said, "really?"  She looked at me like I needed to take a course on how to properly accept a compliment.  This client asked if I had time to help her pick out a concealer and, of course, I did.  While we were picking out a concealer, it came up that she had a date that night and I asked if she wanted me to do her makeup for it.  She said yes and got in the chair.  I worked and she talked.  She began to talk about some pretty deep things that were going on in her life and I just listened.  When she was finished I said "wow.  It's amazing that you were able to share that."  She said "oh my gosh...I didn't even realize I was dumping on you!"  She wasn't dumping on me.  I loved hearing her story.  She had an incredible story to tell.  I didn't know how to say that to her at work so I just exchanged the words she greeted me with, "You are so beautiful."  My client cried.  Then she told me I was patient.  I didn't feel patient that day...I actually was the opposite of patient.  I was ready to go home.  I was ready to be with my family.  But I think I was supposed to be there, in that moment, to tell someone that her story mattered.

I used to walk through life very closed off.  My mental health journey has really allowed me to open myself up and allow things to come into my life.  I've opened myself up to a lot of hurt and pain, but all of that has been matched by even more love and beauty.  Sometimes we need to share our struggles.  Sometimes we need to just say what we think.  You are beautiful - That's okay to say.  Our words change people.

Our words are powerful.  We have to use them.

I'm Back!

I've been neglecting this space for a while, but for a good reason.  Sometimes I get so caught up in my to-do list that I forget "self care."  So, to take care of myself, I took a month off from "unnecessary tasks."  I love to blog.  It helps figure out myself, in a strange way.  It helps me to get things out of my head.  I love to hear from other people who are reading my blog.  I love to hear your stories -- your joy and pain.  I care about the people who read my blog.  But it can also be draining.  So it made the list of things to take a break from for a month.  However, I'm back and feeling very rejuvenated.  Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me!

Spiritual Contentment

"Worship is the act of an abandoned heart adoring its God."  -John Eldredge

I've said before that I was once more religious than I would like to admit.  When I came out, my friend's and family all assumed that I was throwing my faith to the wayside...and for a while, I did.  But after several months of soul searching and coming to terms with who I am, I decided that I do not have to choose between who I am and what I believe because my beliefs are just that, MY beliefs.  The older I get, the more I understand the place of a higher power in my life and what that means to me.  The more I listen, read, and learn, the more I realize the difference between religion as an institution and religion as a personal belief.  And before I go any further, I would just like to say, my intention in this post is not to step on any toes, but rather to sort out my personal thoughts.

I remember the first time I really felt God in my life.  I was at a summer church retreat with about 20 other kids that I had gone to church with my entire life and about 2,000 more that I had never met.  We were on the campus of Wake Forest University for a week long Student Life camp and it was empowering.  Todd Agnew (really well known Christian musician) was our worship leader for the week.  One evening, after a long day of fun and fellowship, we were at our nightly "powerhouse."  There was a schedule.  Todd Agnew was supposed to have 20 minutes to sing and then the preacher would come out and so on and so on.  Todd got up with his guitar and saw all of the eager teens waiting to hear him play and he said "I want everyone who worships loudly - all of you singers, dancers, jumpers, and hand raisers - to sit down and listen.  I want everyone who worships quietly to stand up and let loose.  It's going to feel weird and you may not like it, but try to feel God differently tonight."  Honestly, I didn't know what he meant.  Feel God?  Well, I could talk about Him and I could sing about Him and I could pray to Him VERY well...but feel him?  What's that like?  I did as I was told.  I sat down and quietly absorbed the energy of the room and the words of the music.  I began to cry.  I didn't tear up, I bawled.  I heard the words to songs that I had listened to a thousand times and I finally realized that all those words and all those moments that I thought I had spent with God were nothing compared to what I was experiencing right then.  I realized that I didn't know what Holy was.  Within 15 minutes the entire room was in the same state as I was.  Todd kept singing and the music kept playing long after his 20 minutes ended.  Eventually the preacher came out and began reciting scripture between songs, but Todd just kept going.  I could barely move, my heart was so heavy.  I remember being on my knees in the floor of an auditorium that probably hadn't been cleaned all week and looking up at the ceiling and thinking "I've spent all this time learning You from texts that don't always make sense, but I've never once asked You to just show me.  Why is this the first time I'm seeing You?"  I don't remember speaking to anyone that night.  I don't even remember getting up off of my knees, but I know I will never forget that night.  I've had other encounters with God, but none of them ever felt as real as that night.  

When I first came out, my faith slowly slipped away from me.  I began to expand my mind and think more openly.  I no longer went to church 4 days a week.  Once was enough.  My soul didn't seem to crave anything more and my religion became much less important to me.  This was mostly because of how exiled I felt from the religious community I was immersed in.  The term "Christians" began to scare me.  I didn't feel any sense of acceptance for who I was.  Who I am.  Someone explained it to me very simply once: "You don't know if you like green beans until you try them.  You don't know if you like girls until you try them.  Just don't try it, Leah."  I didn't feel the same way.  I knew I could never have a physical relationship with a man and my emotional connection with women came much more naturally to me.  So I began operating under the assumption that all Christians were just going to hate me and I should avoid them (and places they congregate) at all costs.  Several months later I found myself in the presence of someone whom I once considered my best friend.  She wouldn't speak to me or even look at me and later that evening I got an email that told me, in no uncertain terms, that my lifestyle would never be accepted by this person.  That email is what kept me away from God and the church for a very long time.  About a year later, flipping through radio stations, one of my favorite Christian songs came on: The Stand by Hillsong.  I'm not sure I would have ever opened a bible again had it not been for that song coming on that night.  

Now I'm still in the midst of working out my faith.  Jordan and I walk through it together.  We still both have different beliefs.  She believes in a very conservative translation of the bible.  I still piece together what I feel reigns true.  There are pieces of all religions that I can acknowledge and appreciate.  One day, I hope to find a place where I can worship God and not be judged for my relationship.  I'm not sure I would still label myself as a Christian.  I'm not sure what box I would check if given a form.  Maybe a box labeled "still on a path of discovery" or "somewhere between being a good person and believing something greater than me exists."  For now, I just try to love God and I try to love people...not just people who believe what I believe or do what I do.  All people. Someday I hope I'll be able to work out where I fall on the religion spectrum and how that's integrated with my daily life.  But for now, please, anyone with strong beliefs towards any religion, allow people who are different to listen to you without feeling exiled.  Allow people of different walks of life to hear what you have to say, but don't beat them down for who they are.  Open your heart to everyone and know that they may not run to you initially.  Give people like me a chance to reflect on what you have to say and make me feel like you think I'm listening.  People like Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, and Muhammad did not receive followers because they were abrasive and demanding.  They spent time with people who were different and listened to them too.  Love grows, hate destroys.  Let your beliefs be spoken in love.

"To lead the orchestra, you have to turn your back on the crowd." -Max Lucado

Busy Women

"What would happen if we all believed, just for a minute, that we are beautiful?"  -Dr. Birma Gainor

I used to do one good thing for myself a week.  Whether it be taking a long bath, having my hair done, or treating myself to ice cream, I had one thing that I did by myself and for myself a week.  Now my days are filled with working, taking care of the dogs, paying bills, running errands, cooking dinner (or more recently, picking up dinner), etc...the list goes on and on.  I don't spend much time alone.  I almost always have Jordan or one/both of the dogs with me.  I'm almost always doing something that I HAVE to do versus something that I WANT to do.  You may have noticed that I haven't been blogging much lately.  It's because I'm just so darn busy!

It's hard to not be busy.

Yep, I said it.  Almost every woman on the planet knows what I'm talking about.  Women have to be busy.  We have to be doing things for other people.  We have to take care of all of the work that surrounds us.  And if we find ourselves not busy, we're confused.  We find new things to take on because we don't understand relaxation and we most certainly cannot comprehend the idea of "self-pampering."  Then someone does it for us.  They treat us to a night out or a massage and, all of the sudden, we realize why our lives are so hard -- we don't take time for ourselves.  But as soon as you get 50 minutes into that 60 minute massage, you realize that your to-do list didn't stop growing and you decide that you do not have time for yourself.

You don't have time for yourself.

Wow.  We really don't.  I had this realization this week.  I make time for Jordan and often complain about how little time I have with her, but I don't even make time for me!  I make time for the dogs and for the errands and for work and for other commitments, but I don't have time to give myself what I want or need.  I had my hair done this week.  I was so excited to go have my hair colored because it's been a while and the roots HAD to go.  I was making a pretty drastic change (like I do every fall) so I knew it would take a while.  After being in the chair for 2 hours, I got antsy.  I had a lot to do that day and it wasn't getting done in that salon chair.  I finally realized that it had been so long since I did something nice for myself that I had forgotten how to allow myself that time.  In the end, for me at least, it all came down to self worth.

Am I beautiful?  Am I worthy?  Should I give myself this time?  If I'm going to take time out of my day for me, shouldn't it be spent exercising or reading or doing something that will benefit me?  Sister, giving yourself time does benefit you!  After I relaxed, the time I spent in that chair gave me the energy to finish my to do list that day.  I didn't feel drained and worn out.  I didn't feel like I couldn't fall asleep because I had to much to get done.  I felt...good.

Now, I know the quote at the top of this page has nothing to do with what I'm talking about right now.  But let's change that word...beautiful.  Let's make it worthy?  Available?  What if we believed that we are deserving?  I think our lives would change drastically if we thought we deserved to be treated well.  Women are too hard on themselves.  Make some time to take it easy.

Remember when your mom used to tuck you in to bed at night?  Remember how good it felt to know you were loved and cared for?  Don't lose that feeling.  Don't ever forget to love and care for yourself.

Change the World

I was reminded today of how awful the world can be.  Then I wondered what I'm doing to change it.

The above quote was a Facebook status I posted about a month ago. I had a really hard day. I was emotionally drained and society wasn't offering any sort of relief. However, I always try to offer alternative perspectives in everything I do, and this situation was no exception. The world felt bad... What am I doing about that?

It's human nature to only see one side of the picture. When someone hurts you, you only see their faults. When we mess up, we're often able to justify our mistakes by offering a reason for why we acted or reacted a certain way. However, we don't allow others this same justification. We have to be aware of when we make mistakes (and acknowledge that we do make mistakes) before we can point fingers at those around us.  Really, we shouldn't have much right to point fingers at all if we're acknowledging our own faults. 

Now, back to the quote. I posted this a month ago, so why am I blogging about it now? Well, this week I went home for a few days. Usually this is a great relief for me. I love being able to see my family and friends and having some time away from work. And I did have an awesome time. However, life kicked me in the gut the entire time I was there. Home is bittersweet for me. I have a lot of relationships there that are wonderful. I also have a lot of damage there that still hurts. The pain of going home is usually masked by the joy of spending time with the people I love. This time, it wasn't. I've been thinking a lot about what I left behind when I chose to live my life with Jordan. It wasn't much, really. A father that did more damage to me than anyone else in my life. A step-mother who betrayed my trust and diminished every ounce of confidence I ever had in myself. A church that, once on the outside, I realized was not biblically sound. And my sister. My sister is someone I avoid talking about as much as possible. It's just too painful to rehash our story. Let's suffice it to say that she was the most beautiful person inside and out and she is the only thing I regret leaving behind. However, for reasons outside of any one's control, I will never see her again.  The world can be awful. 

So what am I doing to change it? I try to be a good person and help people when I can. I give all I have in me to the people I meet. I lend my heart to those around me as often as they need it. Aside from that, nothing. I don't think many of us do. If we did, the world wouldn't be the way it is now. But I don't really know where to start to change it. I guess that's my fault. I'm not saying the problems of the world fall on a single person, but I am acknowledging that I do not consistently contribute to the betterment of society. Really, do you? 

I called a customer this week to tell her about our upcoming gift with purchase at Estée Lauder. The phone call went to voicemail where this message played: "Thank you for calling the (last name here)'s. We are out changing the world and making history. When we return, there will be new adventures to share. Leave a message and when the wind leads us back home, we'll be sure to exchange stories with you. Until then, do great things."  This is the type of person I want to be.  I want to make my own adventure and have a story worth sharing.  I admire the spirit of this old couple.  I also admire their challenge: "do great things."  Think about how often you feel like you've done something great.  What if we made a conscious effort to do something great every day?  It could make you feel so alive.  That's all we really want, right?  This couple is changing something about the world.  I'm not sure how big or small, but they've inspired me and that's worth something.  How many other people have heard their answering machine and decided those words meant something?

I guess my point today is that we have a choice to contribute to the bad that's in the world or change it...complaining shouldn't be an option.  So what are you going to do now?

"If a person with a bullet could change the world, imagine what a person with an idea could do." -J. Straczynski

Social Acceptance

"Dear straight people, sexuality and gender are two different things combined in many different ways.  If you mix-match your socks, you understand." -Denice Frohman

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you probably know how much I enjoy finding new, inspiring people that are following their passion and using their passion to impact others.  This week, I have found two very amazing people and I can't resist the urge to share their platforms.

The first is someone who has a passion for something I am very attracted to: spoken word poetry.  We all know how much I love Sarah Kay and her initiative through Project VOICE.  This woman has a similar campaign, but goes about her education a little differently.  Denice Frohman is a spoken word poet, lyricist, and educator that explores the intersections of race, gender, sexuality and "inbetweeness" that exists in us all.  She has amazing talent.  Her work is focused on social change and I must say, she has some of the best engaging ways of speaking about it.  Somehow, Frohman manages to make the conversation easy without making the issues sound insignificant.  I have listened to quite a bit of her poetry and I'm going to share my favorite one today.  I'll also link her website here.

The second person is someone that I really admire.  He is a homosexual that is exploring his faith on a personal, intimate level; He is finding his own truths.  I've written several posts (like this one) on being confident in your own beliefs and making sure that your beliefs are truly your own.  I believe in self-discovery and searching for your own truths and I think this person is someone that really exemplifies that belief.  Brian Murphy is a human rights and religious advocate that uses the booming world of social media to spread his message of courage, faith, and unity.  He encourages us to ask the hard questions and have the difficult conversations if they will lead to a greater understanding and acceptance of each others differences.  You can visit his website by clicking on this link.  I am going to share one of my favorite videos (I love them all!) of his here.

The two of these people inspire my voice.  They reignite my passion for sharing what I believe to be true.  They also remind me that social acceptance goes so many ways.  It's not just a struggle of straight versus gay.  There are so many social differences that we need to learn to respect and appreciate.  I am thankful for people like Denice and Brian who are able to spread a message of acceptance.  Like Joanna Hoffman says in her poem Pride, "So when my friend asks me the reason there are no straight pride parades, I tell her 'you can't be proud of something you never had to fight for.'"  People like Denice and Brian make the struggle real, but offer a light at the end of the tunnel.  The fight doesn't have to last much longer, if we all learn social acceptance, to the best of our abilities.  If we try to love one another, despite differences, our efforts can create a whole new meaning of the word unity.

"Gay is not the new black.  Black is the new black.  Racism and homosexuality are two separate issues and shouldn't be labeled as one form of social injustice."  -Brian Murphy

Don't Give Up

"Because of you, I didn't give up." -Chanda Kaushik

I carry stories around with me everywhere I go.  Each day I remember the pain of someone I've met recently and I spend a few minutes thinking about their situation.  I remember the courage of those around me and allow that to inspire me.  I think about these people and often times try to let them know that I was thinking about them because sometimes being thought of is all we need.  I know a lot of people who are in far worse situations than I have ever been in...many of them, far worse than I will ever be in.  When I think of all of the pain I've ever felt and compare my pain to what these individuals must be feeling, it hurts the deepest parts of me.  All I know to say to these people is don't give up.

Everyone should have something that drives them.  When they don't want to live, this is the thing that makes them fight for their lives anyway.  For me, it's my family.  My wife, my moms, and my dogs.  Everyone should also have a tool.  Something that undoubtedly will restore their faith in life and their willingness to live.  There are a few things that have done that for me.  First is water.  Being near natural, moving water always calms my soul.  The energy makes me smile.  I think of all that's been put on this earth for me to enjoy when I'm near waterfalls.  I see the beauty that lies within life.  I see the simplicity of washing away what we don't want and restoring it with something we do.  When I'm feeling low, Jordan always takes me hiking to some sort of waterfall or river and I feel refreshed and renewed.  Second, for me, is pampering.  I like to take a hot bath with candles and a glass of wine.  Or unwind with a pedicure and my favorite treat (which changes every week, by the way).  Finally, there are videos and books that just remind me of what my purpose in life is.  I like to revisit these things to "recharge my battery."  Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore is one I always find myself going back to.  And anything that Angela Thomas has ever said or written touches me so deeply.  Do You Think I'm Beautiful and When Wallflowers Dance are two books that I will never get tired of.  And Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge is one of the most beautiful books I've ever read.  These are just a few of my favorites (I've linked the amazon pages where you can these books out, if you're interested).  At times, these were the reasons I didn't give up.

My final, and most often used tool, is support.  I extend my heart and worries to others.  I allow them to share in my pain and I try not to bear it all alone.  As a woman, this is hard.  We want to have it all together.  We want to show the world that we can handle any and everything.  It's not true.  And while all of us are trying to prove the same thing to each other, just know, we really aren't fooling one another.  When my emotions start running wild, instead of concealing them and trying to put on a pretty face for the world, I just let my friends and family know.  "Hey, I'm having a hard time right now.  I need you to love me.  I need to feel you right now.  I need prayers and hugs and laughs."  Surprisingly enough, I've never had a negative response to that request.  My support is where I find my bearings.  For me, the other tools wouldn't be of much use if I didn't have people constantly reminding me of their love and commitment to me and my well being.

When hurt, confusion, and belittlement creep through the back door, you have to be prepared to fight them.  But we don't have to fight them alone.  We can't come crashing to our knees every time heartache says hello...that's why our tools are so useful.  Preparing yourself ahead of time, knowing how to handle your crisis situation, that's what gives us time to breathe in the midst of all of the mess that goes on in our lives.  And having someone to hold your hand along the way, that's what reminds you to utilize the tools that you've set aside.  Regardless of where you are now, where you once were, or where you think you're going, find your tools.  Find your reason.  Find your support. And don't you ever give up!

"You were never meant to go through life by the skin of your teeth, but to flourish in the love and acceptance of almighty God." -Beth Moore

A Broken System

"An important question in psychiatry shouldn't be what's wrong with you, but rather what's happened to you." -Eleanor Longden

We don't have to live our lives forever defined by the damaging things that have happened to us.

Read that statement again.  Let it sink in.  Allow yourself to believe it.  You are unique.  You are irreplaceable.  And those qualities are not undermined by your life events.  The heartache you've experienced is not the person you are.  Of course, our experiences shape us and reveal new lessons to us.  However, that does not mean that we are only what we experience.  Stop letting your damage define you.

Too many times in the mental health field, we are asked to describe our symptoms, but not the reasoning behind them.  This leads to young adults all over the country being diagnosed, drugged, and discarded.  Doctor's have come to treat their patients like Prozac and a good night's sleep will cure you.  Why are we so scared to talk about it?  Why is pain such an uncomfortable topic of conversation?

I was lucky to have a therapist, Emily, that gave me the best care I could have asked for.  I received care that was catered to my needs.  I couldn't have found a better match for me.  My therapist contributed more to my mental health recovery than anyone else in my life.  She also advocated for me more than anyone else in my life.  However, she did something even greater for me than that: she empowered me to save myself.

Emily had an unshakable belief that my shattered self could become healed and whole.  This is not the case for many other therapists have I have interacted with.  Of the five therapists I interacted with over an expanded period of time, there are two that I felt believed in me and my recovery, Emily and Dr. Birma-Gainor.  Of my five interactions with behavioral health units, I do not recall one single individual that was critical to my recovery, other than a UNCG psychiatry STUDENT who took the time to listen to all that I had to say.  Of my interactions with the Guilford Center, Dan Sanders is the only person I recall really listening to and creating a plan of action for my needs.  Of the four care-givers involved in my intensive outpatient program, there was one that lead me to healing, Shannon.  Other than these 5 influential people, I received more support and care from those in the same state of recovery as me and from the friends and family members rooting for me than I did from the doctors, nurses, and counselors who were supposed to "fix" me.  While I am incredibly fortunate for those 5 individuals, I am equally as disappointed in the 500 that allowed me to merely fall through the system.

I say all of this to say that the system is broken.  It shouldn't have gone on as long or as far as it did before I received care that worked.  There needs to be a change in the system. I don't have the solution for changing psychiatric care as a whole, but I can see the problem.  The system allows too many people to fall through the cracks.  Each individual needs to be nurtured differently...the system doesn't allow for that either.  We are all different...a great doctor once pointed out to me that we ask the question the wrong way:  "Don't tell me what other people have told you about yourself.  Tell me about you."  -Dr. Birma-Gainor

Remember, Celebrate, Love

There are three tools that I use on a daily basis to push myself further in my endeavors.  I believe that with these three verbs, we can move mountains and build the lives that we were meant to live.  These tools allow us to collect the moments that we've experienced and compile those moments into lessons that life teaches us, making us better people each and every day.

1. Remember

Remembrance is something that sounds easy, but is easily overlooked.  Sometimes we have to sit back and think on mistakes we've made so that we don't make the same bad decision twice.  Sometimes we have to remember our accomplishments so that we have something to be proud of.  Remembering where we once were, really gives us a clearer picture for what our futures should look like.  Often times, we can make future decisions much easier by merely reflecting on similar decisions made in the past.

2. Celebrate

This is the one that we don't do often enough.  Celebrate yourself! Celebrate when you fail because it's a stepping stone in life.  Celebrate when you succeed because your failure has finally paid off.  Celebrate your friends and family because they won't always be there.  Celebrate financial security because it doesn't last forever.  Celebrate making healthy decisions and random acts of kindness.  Celebrations cause other people to be happy too.  Celebration is a small way of sharing the joy that you have with those around you.  It's also a time to remind yourself that you have done a  good job.  And then refer to step one: remember.  When you are struggling to make it day to day, remember the times that you were able to celebrate and let that be a driving factor towards accomplishment!

3. Love

Life begins and ends with love.  Whether it be loving your friends, family, partner, or animals, just do it.  Love others and let them love you.  Allow yourself to experience what it's like to be wrapped in a warm embrace or cuddled by your furry friend.  Don't hide from love, open yourself up to it.  Give love the power to hurt you and cling tightly to the hope that it won't.  Let love in.  And when it's time, let love go.  Remember the time that it was there, celebrate the warmth it brought you, and learn to love all over again.

"The unknown is exciting.  It's something you only know once you get there." -Unknown

Love Out Loud

"I want to make beautiful things, even if nobody cares." -Saul Bass

I have never experienced the panic I felt this week, ever before.  On Wednesday night I got a very disturbing phone call with very little information and on Thursday I got more information with very little time.  It was hard, nerve racking, and something that I never ever want to experience again.  While the panic was terrifying, the beauty that came to me on Thursday was incredible.

I was at work bright and early on Thursday morning.  I was stressed out and overwhelmed and had SO much on my mind, but I was determined to do my job and do it well.  I think the universe felt this determination and decided to give me a break.  Two customers that I had spent a significant amount of time with the day before came in and made some rather large purchases, which started my day off with a relaxing deep breath.  Then, a third customer that I had seen the day before came in for a little more advice and made a purchase as well.  Three people that don't know each other all came in two days in a row?  That's more than a coincidence to me.  After that, I met a teacher that had an amazing story that touched me deeply.

Then there was Cora...

Cora Williams is the most beautiful person I know and I've only known her since Thursday.  She came up with her pine cone earrings (pine cones happen to be very symbolic to me) and a toothless smile and started talking to me about her favorite fragrance, Estee Super Cologne.  She went on and on and her enthusiasm made me smile.  She didn't mind when I had to stop her to help another customer...she just picked back up where she left off when I was finished.  She spent about 45 minutes telling me and everyone that would listen about Estee Lauder's fragrances and how they're the best in the world.  Then she heard an announcement for something free that's being given away in the store right now and she said "Leah, I'm gonna go see what it is, but I'll come back."  They never come back...so I just smiled as Cora walked away.  However, Cora is different.  She came back.  And when she did, I was stunned.  Cora wanted a fragrance, but she couldn't choose between three of them so I asked her if she wanted to open a Belk card, get 15% off and buy them all.  She thought that was the best idea she had heard all day.  I opened her card, got her fragrances, and brought everything around the counter to her.  When I handed Cora her bag, she pulled me in to the biggest embrace you can imagine and she started praying over me.  Right there.  In the middle of the store!  It sounded a little bit like this:

"Lord, this poor girl just needs you to see her.  She's got so much on her and she just needs you to kiss her, Lord.  She gives so much to everyone around her, she blesses everyone she meets and now she needs you to return her blessings three fold, Lord.  I know you can because you are so good!  Ohhhh Lord, I'm about to get happy!!  Leah, do you feel him kissing us?  He's kissing us!"

I hadn't talked to Cora about my day.  She didn't know anything about me.  It was definitely the strangest thing that's ever happened to me at work...but I really didn't mind at all.  Because regardless of the stares we were getting and the teasing that ensued after Cora left, it meant something to me that she cared about the little Lauder girl.  After the praying, Cora asked if she could speak to my boss and I told her she could.  She then told my boss that I was the best employee in the store and that I deserved a raise.  I laughed and my boss laughed, but Cora was serious.  Finally, Cora offered me one more big smile and said "when the Lord blesses you, I want you to call me so I can tell him thank you."

Now, if you're reading this with different religious beliefs than Cora, throw that aside.  Forget about her fearless faith and focus on her selflessness.  Cora was meant to be there that day.  I needed every bit of the outpouring of love I got from her.  My faith in humanity is restored when I meet people like her.  She is incredible.  She may not even remember me next week, but I will remember her for the rest of my life.  Because she is a woman that spreads beauty, love, and hope wherever she goes.  What I attempt to do with this blog, Cora does with her life.

I hope someday, I can be brave enough to love out loud like Cora does.

How To Be Brave

"Show me how big your brave is." -Sara Bareilles, Brave

At this point in my life, I've taken down the rear view mirror and left my past exactly where it belongs, in the past.  I've made decisions that I'm not proud of and I have mistakes that I probably wouldn't make today.  There things that have happened to me that I'd rather forget.  But overall, I've learned that you have to live by learning from your regrets rather than letting them smother you.  Unfortunately, this sentiment is much easier said than done.

It takes some bravery to say "the past is over and that's all it will ever be."  I believe in healing from your past, but regardless, you can't change it.  You have to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that you create and forgive yourself for creating them.  I have a whole post on regrets that you can read by clicking here, so I won't spend too much time on regrets today.  What I'd like to focus more on is bravery and how much of it it take to live your life.

Everyone should give themselves a pat on the back for making it this far.  Whether you're reading this at age 13 or 103, you've lived this long and you've done a pretty good job.  Sure, there are things you would have done differently, but ultimately you're alive and that's something to be proud of.  So go ahead, congratulate yourself for a job well done.  And now, let's plan for how we can be brave enough to take on the rest of our lives.

Bravery is a courageous behavior or character.  That's Webster's definition.  I define it quite differently.  To me, bravery is going to work after a loved one died.  It's saying sorry after a fight.  It's admitting that you're wrong.  It's allowing yourself to find true love.  It's being who you are despite what your family thinks.  It's pursuing your dreams.  Bravery is living life they way you imagine it, rather than following someone else's ideals.  It's also something that comes and goes.  You don't have to be brave all the time.  Sometimes bravery is a fleeting moment and sometimes it hangs around for weeks, months, or even years.  Sometimes I feel very brave, but other times I don't feel brave at all.  Sometimes bravery comes easily for me, and other times I have to work at it.  And sometimes, I need someone else to be brave for me.

That is the tricky part: allowing someone to be brave for you.  We live in a society that preaches independence and self-reliance when really we should lean on all of the people around us that we possibly can.  I always say I'm not a hugger.  I'm sure there are many of you like me.  I'm not someone that hugs.  I don't particularly like to be touched and I'm not a sappy person, generally.  Moving to Asheville hasn't made that much of an option for me.  EVERYONE here likes to hug.  I get hugged by strangers several times a day.  But I've found that it's not so bad.  It's something that connects people.  It's a way of saying "I hear you and it will be okay," without actually using words.  It's comforting and healing.  It's also very brave.  Offering an open embrace to someone that you don't know or even to someone that you know very well is an amazing act of bravery.  You're saying "Hi. I know you need someone to help you through this.  I'm here, I'm open.  Let me share this burden with you."   That is beautiful.  And it is brave.

So I'd like to propose this: what if we tried one brave thing a day.  Be it giving someone a hug or trying to cook something you think you can't.  What if we gave ourselves just 10 seconds a day to do something we wouldn't normally do.  I think it will teach us a lot about ourselves.  I think it would allow us to feel liberated.  Let's see how it goes...let's start with being brave enough to take the first step and accept this challenge.

Jesus vs Religion

I love this video.

That is all.

It's Not About You

"The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong in this world."

100% of people that I meet that don't know me or Jordan and meet us separately, don't know that I'm gay.  If we aren't showing any sort of affection when we're seen together, most people still don't know that we're gay.  It's usually not until I reference her as my wife or we're seen holding hands that people connect the dots.

So, please tell me, America, how the hell does my sexuality affect you if you don't even know I'm gay????

Oppression isn't something that should even be legal in the land of the free.  I'm not sure how we've decided that religious freedom means Christianity, but it doesn't!  There are people out there with different opinions, views, and ideals...and we live in America because it is supposed to be the place that we are free to express those feelings.  I'm not asking for social acceptance because that is a decision that every free person should be allowed to make on their own.  I'm asking for legal acceptance.  I'm asking for my government to tell me that it's okay that I'm different because our country was built on the freedom to be different.  When our forefathers wrote the Declaration of Independence, they were writing a document that allowed them to be different from Great Britain regardless of the consequences.  They were declaring their right to express who they are.  When they wrote the constitution, they weren't writing a document to be followed and never ever changed until the end of time --  they were writing a set of guidelines that worked for them at the time.  Unlawful hacking of federal documents isn't included in that document because computers didn't exist yet.  Times change.  Things change.  Rules change.  And it's not a revolutionary idea to think that we'll have to change too.

I meet people every day who have strong feelings against homosexuality but adore me.  It just goes to show that who I love really doesn't affect anyone around me.  It's not harmful to the rest of the world.  It doesn't make me a bad person.  It's just a part of me.  And the rest of the world needs to wake up and realize that there are no consequences in allowing the legalization of gay marriage.  Acceptance isn't something that should be optional...but since it is, at least give us the right to live our lives with the ones we love.

"A certificate on paper isn't going to solve it all, but it's a damn good place to start.  No law is gonna change us, we have to change us.  Whatever God you believe in, we come from the same one.  Strip away the fear -  Underneath it's all the same love.  About time we raised that up."  -Mackelmore, Same Love

Listen More

"Everyone has a story.  Have the patience to listen.  Have the wisdom to learn."  -MaryAnne Radmacher

I think people listen to my story because I write about it instead of talking about it.  However, I think many of the same people that listen to my voice via my blog, wouldn't care to have these same conversations with me in person.  I know for a fact how uncomfortable it can be to talk about personal feelings to friends, family, and even strangers.  But writing about it is much easier for me.  Here, I can cry and no one sees.  I can be angry and don't have to control my emotions.  I can be happy and not worry about looking silly.  I am comfortable behind my computer screen...behind my blog.

I've been all over the place this week.  I spent Saturday and Sunday in Charleston, SC.  Monday here in Asheville, NC.  Tuesday in Greenville, SC.  Wednesday back to Asheville and yesterday in Greensboro, NC and now I'm back in Asheville.  Some of my travels were for work and some for pleasure.  I like knowing that I can escape to a new city if I need to.  I love my home here in Asheville, but sometimes I feel like at home we have to talk about things...and when I'm away, we don't.  But I've discovered this week, that the things we don't say are just as powerful as the things we do.

In Charleston, Jordan and I spent a quiet weekend with the pups.  We drove down early Saturday morning and spent Saturday just the two of us, exploring downtown and having a nice dinner.  We didn't talk about how I was feeling or our relationship.  We talked to each other about love and life and our future.  Those are conversations I enjoy.  I like to talk about where we'd like to settle down and what our family dynamic will look like.  On Sunday, we took the pups ALL around Charleston.  We showed them the pier and downtown and they got to experience puppy gelato.  Then we took them to the beach and let them get dirty and wet and run around doing whatever they wanted.  They really really enjoyed the beach and the ability to explore somewhere new.  And I enjoyed seeing them so happy.

In Greenville, I got to see a lot of old friends.  We had a conference for work and some of the girls that I started with at Estee Lauder were there.  It's always a fun experience to be in a room with 40 other men and women that have the same passion as you: beauty.  We got to try new things and learn new techniques and of course build some new relationships and grow some old ones.  It was a great time and I enjoyed the opportunity to get out of town alone.

In Greensboro, I got to see my "mom" and my mom.  I spent time with both of them and I can't explain how much I've missed them both!  We had lots of good conversation and the best hugs!

All in all it's been a pretty good week.  And all in all I've been able to be away from the things that have been wearing on me here in Asheville.  However, now it's back to reality and back to facing my life.  What does that mean for me?  I work. I run a household.  I have people that depend on me.  And that's okay.  There's a lot of stress, but that's okay too.  Because I've taken up a new hobby: listening.  I've learned this week that listening to myself and to those around me brings me joy.  When I "listen" to the dogs and what they want, they're happy and that makes me happy.  When I listen to my customers at work, I hear stories of joy and triumph and of hurt and pain.  Both touch me differently, but SO deeply.  It makes me feel strong and secure to know that these women would share their joys and pains with me.  When I listen to myself, I feel like I can go further and stronger...and I also feel like I can slow down if I need to.

I've also learned how to listen to the things that aren't being said.  Jordan needs to know how I'm doing, but I don't want to talk about it.  So we've found ways to have that exchange without actually having that conversation.  My customer needs me to see her for who she is, even when she isn't ready to talk about it.  The dogs have so much love to give, but no words to share it.  My moms worry about me, but want to give me space and let me be an adult.  They want me to have the freedom to come to them when I need it.

I'm not good at sharing who I am out loud.  I'm not good at opening up to people in person.  But I can do it here, on my blog.  And then I can treat myself accordingly when I'm away from here.  I can learn more and I can do more.  And most importantly, I can live...and I can be okay.  Maybe listening is the key to all of those things.

It's Different

I've taken a few days to myself.  I've been really absent from social media, the blog world, and the real world too.  When I distance myself, it gives me time to sort things out in my head.  I have a stronger grasp on my feelings and intentions when I take time to listen to myself.  Right now, I'm at a point where I know I can't quit, but I'm not sure how to continue.  I think it's an okay place to be.

This "wave" of depression, if you will, has come much differently than any other I've experienced.  Usually, I go from "Good" to "fine" to "suicidal" in about 48 hours.  This time I went from "good" to "fine" to "awful, but not suicidal" in about a week.  It caused me a lot of anxiety.  I was waiting for the bad thoughts and will to end my life to come.  I sat around just hoping that I'd be ready when it hit me...well, it still hasn't.  I suppose that's something I can be thankful for.  That's something I can consider progress.  It has been 9 days since I initially posted about my struggle.  I have spent time trying to pinpoint where things started going wrong, what started hurting, and how to get back to normal.  I do feel much better now than I did 9 days ago, but I'm still not sure of my next steps or what "moving forward" looks like for me right now.  If someone has the answer to that question, feel free to share!

Yesterday was a really good day for me.  Here's a few photos of what we were up to...

I put this up on my bedroom wall, over our bed.

Jordan brought me flowers to work on Saturday!

The pups are doing great!

Love being outdoors...especially here!

Thank You

Let me tell you what the bottom looks like.

It's hopeless.  It's dark and everything stings.  Your chest is heavy.  Doom is impending.  Your heart aches and smiles are meaningless.  Laughing feels wrong and words feel wrong and quiet feels wrong too.  You're hungry, but you aren't sure for what.  You want to go outside, but you can't get out of bed.  The rain is nice and the sun burns.  The pain is okay...for a while...maybe not.  There's no door labeled "escape."  But somewhere in the middle of it all you decide that the bottom may be okay because you couldn't possibly go anywhere, but up...and then you realize that you really weren't at the bottom and you can actually fall further.

But every now and then there's a tiny glimmer of beauty.  There's something that has the faintest sparkle and it gives you the smallest dose of hope.  There's a happy moment in the middle of the darkness.  And when you're at the bottom, you appreciate that beauty more than ever before.

I've had a few of those glimmers this week.  I've had amazing people in my life making their presence known with the smallest gestures that really mean the world to me right now.  I've had total strangers reminding me that I am not alone in this struggle.  You guys are my life support and I am forever grateful.  Thank you, sincerely, for all of the calls, texts, emails, tweets, messages, etc.  It means the world to me.

I want to clarify one thing that I feel has been worrisome to some of you: I am safe.  Jordan and I have spent a lot of time talking about what our next step is right now.  What's our plan of action?  We are ensuring that my safety is our number 1 priority and we are making the necessary arrangements to maintain that standard.  We don't necessarily know where this journey is going to take us or how long we'll be on this road, but we are fighting together and we are fighting responsibly.  We know our limits and when to call in backup.  And we are completely prepared for that moment.

Bear with me as I walk this road one more time.  And please, continue to send the love and support.
I love you all.

"Embracing your light, doesn't mean ignoring your dark.  The world may be broken, but hope is not crazy."  -John Green

Emotional Decline

"Be brave for what you believe in."  -Kevin Breel

This week has nearly destroyed me.  Emotionally, I haven't been this low in almost 2 years.  Jordan is scared.  I'm tired of fighting myself to live.  It's exhausting.  I'm exhausted.  I haven't been sleeping.  My appetite is nearly gone.  I'm staring all of my "warning signs" in the face and I'm not sure what to do about it.  We used to keep a list of things to look for on our refrigerator.  It was just a short list of things that I would say or do that indicated an emotional decline.  Next to each warning sign was a resolution -- something I could do for myself to address that particular issue (for example: Becomes withdrawn ---> Force yourself to be with friends).  It was that simple and it worked for me.  I didn't bring that list to this apartment because I thought I was out of the woods.  I thought I was done with what's going on in my head.  I thought I was okay to leave my coping tools behind.  Because I thought I was okay.

It's scary to think we're going down this road again...I'm not feeling very brave right now.

English Rain

"And I think something is beautiful if it reveals something important about what it means to be alive." 

-Maureen Johnson

Day 15: 30 Day Challenge Conquered!

I can't believe it's the last day of June... this month has flown by, but all in all it's been a pretty good month for me (minus how sick I was).  "Mom" got home safely and I got to text her yesterday...it was the best text I've gotten all year!  Most of you don't know that she is the person that inspired me to start blogging.  She's always thought that my story would help me do good in the world.  I don't know if my blogging helps other people or if it just helps me, but regardless she was right.  I feel good about my blog and I love interacting with my readers.  So, in honor of her homecoming and the last day of my 30 day challenge (which was also inspired by her), I've created a little welcome home present that I'm going to share with her and you all!

Do I look any different?

Jordan looks great, doesn't she??

Lucy on the left, Mr. Milo on the right!

I love you, mom!  Welcome home!

A big big big big big thank you to everyone who helped with this!  

Day 14: Human Rights Victories

Jordan and I have been turning our phones off at night just to spend time together without distractions and it has been an amazing thing for us!  We are really enjoying being able to spend time with one another without wondering what's going on in our social media and personal messaging.  If you've never tried this, I highly suggest it.

Now, I'm sure you're all expecting me to write about the supreme court victories, right?  Of course I am!

Jordan and I watched C-SPAN all morning waiting for the results...and it was worth the wait!

The Windsor and Perry cases have come to a close and we are now two steps closer to national equality.  DOMA was found unconstitutional and Prop 8 was found to have no legal standing.  So, what does that mean for those of us who do not live in a state where gay marriage is legal?   A LOT.  With DOMA being repealed, they're opening up the senate floor to reintroduce the Respect for Marriage Act.  With this one legal action, legally married same-sex couples, regardless of what state they reside in, would be able to receive the 1,000+ federal benefits currently offered to heterosexual couples.  Under federal law, we would be eligible for all rights and benefits, regardless of our residency.  So, if you and your partner lived in North Carolina and took a trip to 1 of the 13 states that offer same-sex marriages legally, went to the courthouse and signed those papers...you would receive federal benefits even though you still live in North Carolina.  Federally, your marriage would be recognized.  We still have a long way to go and I have a feeling it will be a while before southern states legalize same-sex marriage, but we are on a great road and Jordan and I are very excited about it!

If you would like more information on the supreme court cases, a great resource is: http://www.hrc.org/.  If you want the more simple, less wordy version...HRC's tumblr is probably a better resource for you: click here.

Today, while we know we have a long way to go, we also have a lot to celebrate.  Hold your head high and keep your hearts open...because we've only just begun to see changes in this country!  Those who have struggled before us, those who are struggling now, and all of the generations to come, will fight for equality no matter how long the road is.  We are passionate and we are determined.  And someday, we will be married!!

"We can now tell our children that they are just as special as every child with married parents, because we are all equal." -Perry's Victory Statement

P.S. Let's not forget to applaud Wendy Davis and her 13 hour filibuster.  Thank you, Wendy -- Texas loves you! #standwithwendy

Day 13: Reunited (Almost)

JUST TWO MORE DAYS!!!

I haven't talked about this on my blog yet because if I share it with you guys, then I'll get questions about updates...and if I update you too much, I'll keep count...and if I keep count, I'll get WAY TOO EXCITED!!!  But the total truth is, I'm completely stoked.  I'm not sure why, because even after those two days it will be a while before I get what I'm really looking forward to, but in two days, we get a tiny step closer.

I guess you're wondering what I'm excited about, right?  "Mom" is coming home from Bahrain in TWO DAYS!!!!!!!  WHAT?!  Yes, she's returning to the states!  I haven't seen her since Christmas and a lot has changed since then.  We're both living in new places, with new additions to both of our families.  A few months ago, I wasn't sure if she'd ever move back to the states so it's pretty surreal that it's actually happening!  She's acquired a fiance during her stay in Bahrain.  She's bringing home a soldier and from what I hear he's a pretty amazing guy.

Even though she'll be back in the states in two days, I'm not sure how long it will be before I actually get to see her.  She'll be living about 1100 miles north from us, so we have a bit of a journey before an actual visit occurs, but it will be nice to be able to pick up the phone and call or text her whenever I want!

Safe travels, mom!  Be careful -- I love you!

Day 12: Welcome Home

Jonathan Allen, 20 Years Old, Opera Singer

I'm watching America's Got Talent this morning.  Actually, I have America's Got Talent on the TV while I pay bills, catch up on some work, and read up on Lauder's product improvements.  I wasn't paying much attention to the show until a 20 year old opera singer named Jonathan Allen stepped on the stage.  I looked up from my computer and everything around me stopped.  I wasn't worried about anything I had going on when I heard Jonathan's story.  Howie Mandel asked Jonathan if he had his family's support in his pursuit of opera and his next words hit too close to home: "My parents don't support me.  They kicked me out on my 18th birthday because I told them I loved Opera and I told them that I'm gay."

Jonathan Allen, I've been there.  I know where you are right now.  I know how hard it is to build yourself from a hurt that deep.  I know how hard it is just to graduate high school.  I remember the days of food stamps, always running on empty, and taking every bit of help you're offered.  Going to school from 9-4, sleeping from 5-10, working from 11-7, and getting ready for the day all over again.  I know what it feels like to lose every dream you ever had because survival is all you can focus on.  I get it.  And I'm here to say congratulations.  You've followed your dreams.  You've beat the odds.  And you've given hope to every kid that has ever, will ever, and is now going through what you've been through.  At 20 years of age, that's incredible.

My friends and I here in Asheville, NC would like to say thank you for not giving up on your dreams and for being who you are regardless of what the world around you says.  From us here in the blog world, we say congratulations on how far you've come.  And from everyone who's been where you've been, good luck -- We're on your side!

"We love you.  We accept you.  And we're so proud that you came here.  This is your new family.  Welcome home." -Howie Mandel

Day 11: Following Courage

A friend sent me a link to a blog yesterday and I must admit, I was extremely intrigued by the title of the blog: Discarded Daughter.  The name is simple, but so full of pain and worthlessness.  The words hurt me to hear, but are strangely beautiful.  I like to read other blogs, but not too often because if I have too many on my list, I won't keep up with them all.  However, the friend that sent me this is a fellow blogger and I very much enjoy her writings, so I clicked.  The title of the post that came up was "My Name is Courage."  I knew, from that, that I was going to be a follower.  I immediately began reading through.  It seems to be a fairly new blog, but what was posted was awesome!  I'm very excited about Courage and her upcoming posts.  So, I'm sure you're wondering by now where you too can read about Courage...Well, if you'd like to follow the story of a girl raised in a very Christian home as a true follower of Christ who eventually became "discarded" because of her sexuality, then click here!

I'd also like to link someone that I've been following for a while now.  This is the friend that sent me the link to Discarded Daughter.  She writes a bit of everything, mostly surrounding around human rights.  She's a very witty person and I love her style.  Actually, I'm surprised I haven't mentioned her before!  She's an anonymous blogger, which I think is super awesome.  It's hard to describe her blog because it's really applicable to everyone, but especially those with homosexual thoughts and religious convictions (because the two are NOT mutually exclusive).  One thing I really like about her is that she writes about the world and things around her, not just her life.  It's refreshing and I always learn something while browsing her.  Give her a glance here!

Other blogs that I follow?
http://cjstmi.blogspot.com/
http://abrandnewline.wordpress.com/
http://redemptionpictures.com/
http://www.postsecret.com/
http://www.kaelynandlucy.com/

There are more that I check every now and then and if someone sends me a link to their blog directly and asks me to read it, I always do.  However, the ones I have mentioned in this post are my "consistent reads."

Changing the subject a bit, I have a quick update...tons of good news, really!  We found the newest member of our family.  Her name is Lucy.  She's a 6 pound Shitzu, that will be around 10 pounds when we get her back up to a healthy weight.  We rescued her from a shelter and she's the sweetest little girl.  Milo loves her. Jordan adores her!  She's been a great addition!  Also, Jordan has a new job and it's been a wonderful adjustment for us.  We work about 15 feet away from each other now and we're saving SO much time and money by carpooling to work.  She likes the job much more as well!  So, there are good things happening here in the Poole household!

I know this post is very different from my usual, so in honor of my usual writings, I'll end with a spoken word poem:

"But I have seen the best of you and the worst of you and I choose both ."