Spiritual Contentment

"Worship is the act of an abandoned heart adoring its God."  -John Eldredge

I've said before that I was once more religious than I would like to admit.  When I came out, my friend's and family all assumed that I was throwing my faith to the wayside...and for a while, I did.  But after several months of soul searching and coming to terms with who I am, I decided that I do not have to choose between who I am and what I believe because my beliefs are just that, MY beliefs.  The older I get, the more I understand the place of a higher power in my life and what that means to me.  The more I listen, read, and learn, the more I realize the difference between religion as an institution and religion as a personal belief.  And before I go any further, I would just like to say, my intention in this post is not to step on any toes, but rather to sort out my personal thoughts.

I remember the first time I really felt God in my life.  I was at a summer church retreat with about 20 other kids that I had gone to church with my entire life and about 2,000 more that I had never met.  We were on the campus of Wake Forest University for a week long Student Life camp and it was empowering.  Todd Agnew (really well known Christian musician) was our worship leader for the week.  One evening, after a long day of fun and fellowship, we were at our nightly "powerhouse."  There was a schedule.  Todd Agnew was supposed to have 20 minutes to sing and then the preacher would come out and so on and so on.  Todd got up with his guitar and saw all of the eager teens waiting to hear him play and he said "I want everyone who worships loudly - all of you singers, dancers, jumpers, and hand raisers - to sit down and listen.  I want everyone who worships quietly to stand up and let loose.  It's going to feel weird and you may not like it, but try to feel God differently tonight."  Honestly, I didn't know what he meant.  Feel God?  Well, I could talk about Him and I could sing about Him and I could pray to Him VERY well...but feel him?  What's that like?  I did as I was told.  I sat down and quietly absorbed the energy of the room and the words of the music.  I began to cry.  I didn't tear up, I bawled.  I heard the words to songs that I had listened to a thousand times and I finally realized that all those words and all those moments that I thought I had spent with God were nothing compared to what I was experiencing right then.  I realized that I didn't know what Holy was.  Within 15 minutes the entire room was in the same state as I was.  Todd kept singing and the music kept playing long after his 20 minutes ended.  Eventually the preacher came out and began reciting scripture between songs, but Todd just kept going.  I could barely move, my heart was so heavy.  I remember being on my knees in the floor of an auditorium that probably hadn't been cleaned all week and looking up at the ceiling and thinking "I've spent all this time learning You from texts that don't always make sense, but I've never once asked You to just show me.  Why is this the first time I'm seeing You?"  I don't remember speaking to anyone that night.  I don't even remember getting up off of my knees, but I know I will never forget that night.  I've had other encounters with God, but none of them ever felt as real as that night.  

When I first came out, my faith slowly slipped away from me.  I began to expand my mind and think more openly.  I no longer went to church 4 days a week.  Once was enough.  My soul didn't seem to crave anything more and my religion became much less important to me.  This was mostly because of how exiled I felt from the religious community I was immersed in.  The term "Christians" began to scare me.  I didn't feel any sense of acceptance for who I was.  Who I am.  Someone explained it to me very simply once: "You don't know if you like green beans until you try them.  You don't know if you like girls until you try them.  Just don't try it, Leah."  I didn't feel the same way.  I knew I could never have a physical relationship with a man and my emotional connection with women came much more naturally to me.  So I began operating under the assumption that all Christians were just going to hate me and I should avoid them (and places they congregate) at all costs.  Several months later I found myself in the presence of someone whom I once considered my best friend.  She wouldn't speak to me or even look at me and later that evening I got an email that told me, in no uncertain terms, that my lifestyle would never be accepted by this person.  That email is what kept me away from God and the church for a very long time.  About a year later, flipping through radio stations, one of my favorite Christian songs came on: The Stand by Hillsong.  I'm not sure I would have ever opened a bible again had it not been for that song coming on that night.  

Now I'm still in the midst of working out my faith.  Jordan and I walk through it together.  We still both have different beliefs.  She believes in a very conservative translation of the bible.  I still piece together what I feel reigns true.  There are pieces of all religions that I can acknowledge and appreciate.  One day, I hope to find a place where I can worship God and not be judged for my relationship.  I'm not sure I would still label myself as a Christian.  I'm not sure what box I would check if given a form.  Maybe a box labeled "still on a path of discovery" or "somewhere between being a good person and believing something greater than me exists."  For now, I just try to love God and I try to love people...not just people who believe what I believe or do what I do.  All people. Someday I hope I'll be able to work out where I fall on the religion spectrum and how that's integrated with my daily life.  But for now, please, anyone with strong beliefs towards any religion, allow people who are different to listen to you without feeling exiled.  Allow people of different walks of life to hear what you have to say, but don't beat them down for who they are.  Open your heart to everyone and know that they may not run to you initially.  Give people like me a chance to reflect on what you have to say and make me feel like you think I'm listening.  People like Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, and Muhammad did not receive followers because they were abrasive and demanding.  They spent time with people who were different and listened to them too.  Love grows, hate destroys.  Let your beliefs be spoken in love.

"To lead the orchestra, you have to turn your back on the crowd." -Max Lucado