"Because of you, I didn't give up." -Chanda Kaushik
I carry stories around with me everywhere I go. Each day I remember the pain of someone I've met recently and I spend a few minutes thinking about their situation. I remember the courage of those around me and allow that to inspire me. I think about these people and often times try to let them know that I was thinking about them because sometimes being thought of is all we need. I know a lot of people who are in far worse situations than I have ever been in...many of them, far worse than I will ever be in. When I think of all of the pain I've ever felt and compare my pain to what these individuals must be feeling, it hurts the deepest parts of me. All I know to say to these people is don't give up.
Everyone should have something that drives them. When they don't want to live, this is the thing that makes them fight for their lives anyway. For me, it's my family. My wife, my moms, and my dogs. Everyone should also have a tool. Something that undoubtedly will restore their faith in life and their willingness to live. There are a few things that have done that for me. First is water. Being near natural, moving water always calms my soul. The energy makes me smile. I think of all that's been put on this earth for me to enjoy when I'm near waterfalls. I see the beauty that lies within life. I see the simplicity of washing away what we don't want and restoring it with something we do. When I'm feeling low, Jordan always takes me hiking to some sort of waterfall or river and I feel refreshed and renewed. Second, for me, is pampering. I like to take a hot bath with candles and a glass of wine. Or unwind with a pedicure and my favorite treat (which changes every week, by the way). Finally, there are videos and books that just remind me of what my purpose in life is. I like to revisit these things to "recharge my battery." Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore is one I always find myself going back to. And anything that Angela Thomas has ever said or written touches me so deeply. Do You Think I'm Beautiful and When Wallflowers Dance are two books that I will never get tired of. And Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge is one of the most beautiful books I've ever read. These are just a few of my favorites (I've linked the amazon pages where you can these books out, if you're interested). At times, these were the reasons I didn't give up.
My final, and most often used tool, is support. I extend my heart and worries to others. I allow them to share in my pain and I try not to bear it all alone. As a woman, this is hard. We want to have it all together. We want to show the world that we can handle any and everything. It's not true. And while all of us are trying to prove the same thing to each other, just know, we really aren't fooling one another. When my emotions start running wild, instead of concealing them and trying to put on a pretty face for the world, I just let my friends and family know. "Hey, I'm having a hard time right now. I need you to love me. I need to feel you right now. I need prayers and hugs and laughs." Surprisingly enough, I've never had a negative response to that request. My support is where I find my bearings. For me, the other tools wouldn't be of much use if I didn't have people constantly reminding me of their love and commitment to me and my well being.
When hurt, confusion, and belittlement creep through the back door, you have to be prepared to fight them. But we don't have to fight them alone. We can't come crashing to our knees every time heartache says hello...that's why our tools are so useful. Preparing yourself ahead of time, knowing how to handle your crisis situation, that's what gives us time to breathe in the midst of all of the mess that goes on in our lives. And having someone to hold your hand along the way, that's what reminds you to utilize the tools that you've set aside. Regardless of where you are now, where you once were, or where you think you're going, find your tools. Find your reason. Find your support. And don't you ever give up!
"You were never meant to go through life by the skin of your teeth, but to flourish in the love and acceptance of almighty God." -Beth Moore
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
A Broken System
"An important question in psychiatry shouldn't be what's wrong with you, but rather what's happened to you." -Eleanor Longden
We don't have to live our lives forever defined by the damaging things that have happened to us.
Read that statement again. Let it sink in. Allow yourself to believe it. You are unique. You are irreplaceable. And those qualities are not undermined by your life events. The heartache you've experienced is not the person you are. Of course, our experiences shape us and reveal new lessons to us. However, that does not mean that we are only what we experience. Stop letting your damage define you.
Too many times in the mental health field, we are asked to describe our symptoms, but not the reasoning behind them. This leads to young adults all over the country being diagnosed, drugged, and discarded. Doctor's have come to treat their patients like Prozac and a good night's sleep will cure you. Why are we so scared to talk about it? Why is pain such an uncomfortable topic of conversation?
I was lucky to have a therapist, Emily, that gave me the best care I could have asked for. I received care that was catered to my needs. I couldn't have found a better match for me. My therapist contributed more to my mental health recovery than anyone else in my life. She also advocated for me more than anyone else in my life. However, she did something even greater for me than that: she empowered me to save myself.
Emily had an unshakable belief that my shattered self could become healed and whole. This is not the case for many other therapists have I have interacted with. Of the five therapists I interacted with over an expanded period of time, there are two that I felt believed in me and my recovery, Emily and Dr. Birma-Gainor. Of my five interactions with behavioral health units, I do not recall one single individual that was critical to my recovery, other than a UNCG psychiatry STUDENT who took the time to listen to all that I had to say. Of my interactions with the Guilford Center, Dan Sanders is the only person I recall really listening to and creating a plan of action for my needs. Of the four care-givers involved in my intensive outpatient program, there was one that lead me to healing, Shannon. Other than these 5 influential people, I received more support and care from those in the same state of recovery as me and from the friends and family members rooting for me than I did from the doctors, nurses, and counselors who were supposed to "fix" me. While I am incredibly fortunate for those 5 individuals, I am equally as disappointed in the 500 that allowed me to merely fall through the system.
I say all of this to say that the system is broken. It shouldn't have gone on as long or as far as it did before I received care that worked. There needs to be a change in the system. I don't have the solution for changing psychiatric care as a whole, but I can see the problem. The system allows too many people to fall through the cracks. Each individual needs to be nurtured differently...the system doesn't allow for that either. We are all different...a great doctor once pointed out to me that we ask the question the wrong way: "Don't tell me what other people have told you about yourself. Tell me about you." -Dr. Birma-Gainor
We don't have to live our lives forever defined by the damaging things that have happened to us.
Read that statement again. Let it sink in. Allow yourself to believe it. You are unique. You are irreplaceable. And those qualities are not undermined by your life events. The heartache you've experienced is not the person you are. Of course, our experiences shape us and reveal new lessons to us. However, that does not mean that we are only what we experience. Stop letting your damage define you.
Too many times in the mental health field, we are asked to describe our symptoms, but not the reasoning behind them. This leads to young adults all over the country being diagnosed, drugged, and discarded. Doctor's have come to treat their patients like Prozac and a good night's sleep will cure you. Why are we so scared to talk about it? Why is pain such an uncomfortable topic of conversation?
I was lucky to have a therapist, Emily, that gave me the best care I could have asked for. I received care that was catered to my needs. I couldn't have found a better match for me. My therapist contributed more to my mental health recovery than anyone else in my life. She also advocated for me more than anyone else in my life. However, she did something even greater for me than that: she empowered me to save myself.
Emily had an unshakable belief that my shattered self could become healed and whole. This is not the case for many other therapists have I have interacted with. Of the five therapists I interacted with over an expanded period of time, there are two that I felt believed in me and my recovery, Emily and Dr. Birma-Gainor. Of my five interactions with behavioral health units, I do not recall one single individual that was critical to my recovery, other than a UNCG psychiatry STUDENT who took the time to listen to all that I had to say. Of my interactions with the Guilford Center, Dan Sanders is the only person I recall really listening to and creating a plan of action for my needs. Of the four care-givers involved in my intensive outpatient program, there was one that lead me to healing, Shannon. Other than these 5 influential people, I received more support and care from those in the same state of recovery as me and from the friends and family members rooting for me than I did from the doctors, nurses, and counselors who were supposed to "fix" me. While I am incredibly fortunate for those 5 individuals, I am equally as disappointed in the 500 that allowed me to merely fall through the system.
I say all of this to say that the system is broken. It shouldn't have gone on as long or as far as it did before I received care that worked. There needs to be a change in the system. I don't have the solution for changing psychiatric care as a whole, but I can see the problem. The system allows too many people to fall through the cracks. Each individual needs to be nurtured differently...the system doesn't allow for that either. We are all different...a great doctor once pointed out to me that we ask the question the wrong way: "Don't tell me what other people have told you about yourself. Tell me about you." -Dr. Birma-Gainor
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Remember, Celebrate, Love
There are three tools that I use on a daily basis to push myself further in my endeavors. I believe that with these three verbs, we can move mountains and build the lives that we were meant to live. These tools allow us to collect the moments that we've experienced and compile those moments into lessons that life teaches us, making us better people each and every day.
1. Remember
Remembrance is something that sounds easy, but is easily overlooked. Sometimes we have to sit back and think on mistakes we've made so that we don't make the same bad decision twice. Sometimes we have to remember our accomplishments so that we have something to be proud of. Remembering where we once were, really gives us a clearer picture for what our futures should look like. Often times, we can make future decisions much easier by merely reflecting on similar decisions made in the past.
2. Celebrate
This is the one that we don't do often enough. Celebrate yourself! Celebrate when you fail because it's a stepping stone in life. Celebrate when you succeed because your failure has finally paid off. Celebrate your friends and family because they won't always be there. Celebrate financial security because it doesn't last forever. Celebrate making healthy decisions and random acts of kindness. Celebrations cause other people to be happy too. Celebration is a small way of sharing the joy that you have with those around you. It's also a time to remind yourself that you have done a good job. And then refer to step one: remember. When you are struggling to make it day to day, remember the times that you were able to celebrate and let that be a driving factor towards accomplishment!
3. Love
Life begins and ends with love. Whether it be loving your friends, family, partner, or animals, just do it. Love others and let them love you. Allow yourself to experience what it's like to be wrapped in a warm embrace or cuddled by your furry friend. Don't hide from love, open yourself up to it. Give love the power to hurt you and cling tightly to the hope that it won't. Let love in. And when it's time, let love go. Remember the time that it was there, celebrate the warmth it brought you, and learn to love all over again.
"The unknown is exciting. It's something you only know once you get there." -Unknown
1. Remember
Remembrance is something that sounds easy, but is easily overlooked. Sometimes we have to sit back and think on mistakes we've made so that we don't make the same bad decision twice. Sometimes we have to remember our accomplishments so that we have something to be proud of. Remembering where we once were, really gives us a clearer picture for what our futures should look like. Often times, we can make future decisions much easier by merely reflecting on similar decisions made in the past.
2. Celebrate
This is the one that we don't do often enough. Celebrate yourself! Celebrate when you fail because it's a stepping stone in life. Celebrate when you succeed because your failure has finally paid off. Celebrate your friends and family because they won't always be there. Celebrate financial security because it doesn't last forever. Celebrate making healthy decisions and random acts of kindness. Celebrations cause other people to be happy too. Celebration is a small way of sharing the joy that you have with those around you. It's also a time to remind yourself that you have done a good job. And then refer to step one: remember. When you are struggling to make it day to day, remember the times that you were able to celebrate and let that be a driving factor towards accomplishment!
3. Love
Life begins and ends with love. Whether it be loving your friends, family, partner, or animals, just do it. Love others and let them love you. Allow yourself to experience what it's like to be wrapped in a warm embrace or cuddled by your furry friend. Don't hide from love, open yourself up to it. Give love the power to hurt you and cling tightly to the hope that it won't. Let love in. And when it's time, let love go. Remember the time that it was there, celebrate the warmth it brought you, and learn to love all over again.
"The unknown is exciting. It's something you only know once you get there." -Unknown
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Love Out Loud
"I want to make beautiful things, even if nobody cares." -Saul Bass
I have never experienced the panic I felt this week, ever before. On Wednesday night I got a very disturbing phone call with very little information and on Thursday I got more information with very little time. It was hard, nerve racking, and something that I never ever want to experience again. While the panic was terrifying, the beauty that came to me on Thursday was incredible.
I was at work bright and early on Thursday morning. I was stressed out and overwhelmed and had SO much on my mind, but I was determined to do my job and do it well. I think the universe felt this determination and decided to give me a break. Two customers that I had spent a significant amount of time with the day before came in and made some rather large purchases, which started my day off with a relaxing deep breath. Then, a third customer that I had seen the day before came in for a little more advice and made a purchase as well. Three people that don't know each other all came in two days in a row? That's more than a coincidence to me. After that, I met a teacher that had an amazing story that touched me deeply.
Then there was Cora...
Cora Williams is the most beautiful person I know and I've only known her since Thursday. She came up with her pine cone earrings (pine cones happen to be very symbolic to me) and a toothless smile and started talking to me about her favorite fragrance, Estee Super Cologne. She went on and on and her enthusiasm made me smile. She didn't mind when I had to stop her to help another customer...she just picked back up where she left off when I was finished. She spent about 45 minutes telling me and everyone that would listen about Estee Lauder's fragrances and how they're the best in the world. Then she heard an announcement for something free that's being given away in the store right now and she said "Leah, I'm gonna go see what it is, but I'll come back." They never come back...so I just smiled as Cora walked away. However, Cora is different. She came back. And when she did, I was stunned. Cora wanted a fragrance, but she couldn't choose between three of them so I asked her if she wanted to open a Belk card, get 15% off and buy them all. She thought that was the best idea she had heard all day. I opened her card, got her fragrances, and brought everything around the counter to her. When I handed Cora her bag, she pulled me in to the biggest embrace you can imagine and she started praying over me. Right there. In the middle of the store! It sounded a little bit like this:
"Lord, this poor girl just needs you to see her. She's got so much on her and she just needs you to kiss her, Lord. She gives so much to everyone around her, she blesses everyone she meets and now she needs you to return her blessings three fold, Lord. I know you can because you are so good! Ohhhh Lord, I'm about to get happy!! Leah, do you feel him kissing us? He's kissing us!"
I hadn't talked to Cora about my day. She didn't know anything about me. It was definitely the strangest thing that's ever happened to me at work...but I really didn't mind at all. Because regardless of the stares we were getting and the teasing that ensued after Cora left, it meant something to me that she cared about the little Lauder girl. After the praying, Cora asked if she could speak to my boss and I told her she could. She then told my boss that I was the best employee in the store and that I deserved a raise. I laughed and my boss laughed, but Cora was serious. Finally, Cora offered me one more big smile and said "when the Lord blesses you, I want you to call me so I can tell him thank you."
Now, if you're reading this with different religious beliefs than Cora, throw that aside. Forget about her fearless faith and focus on her selflessness. Cora was meant to be there that day. I needed every bit of the outpouring of love I got from her. My faith in humanity is restored when I meet people like her. She is incredible. She may not even remember me next week, but I will remember her for the rest of my life. Because she is a woman that spreads beauty, love, and hope wherever she goes. What I attempt to do with this blog, Cora does with her life.
I hope someday, I can be brave enough to love out loud like Cora does.
I have never experienced the panic I felt this week, ever before. On Wednesday night I got a very disturbing phone call with very little information and on Thursday I got more information with very little time. It was hard, nerve racking, and something that I never ever want to experience again. While the panic was terrifying, the beauty that came to me on Thursday was incredible.
I was at work bright and early on Thursday morning. I was stressed out and overwhelmed and had SO much on my mind, but I was determined to do my job and do it well. I think the universe felt this determination and decided to give me a break. Two customers that I had spent a significant amount of time with the day before came in and made some rather large purchases, which started my day off with a relaxing deep breath. Then, a third customer that I had seen the day before came in for a little more advice and made a purchase as well. Three people that don't know each other all came in two days in a row? That's more than a coincidence to me. After that, I met a teacher that had an amazing story that touched me deeply.
Then there was Cora...
Cora Williams is the most beautiful person I know and I've only known her since Thursday. She came up with her pine cone earrings (pine cones happen to be very symbolic to me) and a toothless smile and started talking to me about her favorite fragrance, Estee Super Cologne. She went on and on and her enthusiasm made me smile. She didn't mind when I had to stop her to help another customer...she just picked back up where she left off when I was finished. She spent about 45 minutes telling me and everyone that would listen about Estee Lauder's fragrances and how they're the best in the world. Then she heard an announcement for something free that's being given away in the store right now and she said "Leah, I'm gonna go see what it is, but I'll come back." They never come back...so I just smiled as Cora walked away. However, Cora is different. She came back. And when she did, I was stunned. Cora wanted a fragrance, but she couldn't choose between three of them so I asked her if she wanted to open a Belk card, get 15% off and buy them all. She thought that was the best idea she had heard all day. I opened her card, got her fragrances, and brought everything around the counter to her. When I handed Cora her bag, she pulled me in to the biggest embrace you can imagine and she started praying over me. Right there. In the middle of the store! It sounded a little bit like this:
"Lord, this poor girl just needs you to see her. She's got so much on her and she just needs you to kiss her, Lord. She gives so much to everyone around her, she blesses everyone she meets and now she needs you to return her blessings three fold, Lord. I know you can because you are so good! Ohhhh Lord, I'm about to get happy!! Leah, do you feel him kissing us? He's kissing us!"
I hadn't talked to Cora about my day. She didn't know anything about me. It was definitely the strangest thing that's ever happened to me at work...but I really didn't mind at all. Because regardless of the stares we were getting and the teasing that ensued after Cora left, it meant something to me that she cared about the little Lauder girl. After the praying, Cora asked if she could speak to my boss and I told her she could. She then told my boss that I was the best employee in the store and that I deserved a raise. I laughed and my boss laughed, but Cora was serious. Finally, Cora offered me one more big smile and said "when the Lord blesses you, I want you to call me so I can tell him thank you."
Now, if you're reading this with different religious beliefs than Cora, throw that aside. Forget about her fearless faith and focus on her selflessness. Cora was meant to be there that day. I needed every bit of the outpouring of love I got from her. My faith in humanity is restored when I meet people like her. She is incredible. She may not even remember me next week, but I will remember her for the rest of my life. Because she is a woman that spreads beauty, love, and hope wherever she goes. What I attempt to do with this blog, Cora does with her life.
I hope someday, I can be brave enough to love out loud like Cora does.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
How To Be Brave
"Show me how big your brave is." -Sara Bareilles, Brave
At this point in my life, I've taken down the rear view mirror and left my past exactly where it belongs, in the past. I've made decisions that I'm not proud of and I have mistakes that I probably wouldn't make today. There things that have happened to me that I'd rather forget. But overall, I've learned that you have to live by learning from your regrets rather than letting them smother you. Unfortunately, this sentiment is much easier said than done.
It takes some bravery to say "the past is over and that's all it will ever be." I believe in healing from your past, but regardless, you can't change it. You have to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that you create and forgive yourself for creating them. I have a whole post on regrets that you can read by clicking here, so I won't spend too much time on regrets today. What I'd like to focus more on is bravery and how much of it it take to live your life.
Everyone should give themselves a pat on the back for making it this far. Whether you're reading this at age 13 or 103, you've lived this long and you've done a pretty good job. Sure, there are things you would have done differently, but ultimately you're alive and that's something to be proud of. So go ahead, congratulate yourself for a job well done. And now, let's plan for how we can be brave enough to take on the rest of our lives.
Bravery is a courageous behavior or character. That's Webster's definition. I define it quite differently. To me, bravery is going to work after a loved one died. It's saying sorry after a fight. It's admitting that you're wrong. It's allowing yourself to find true love. It's being who you are despite what your family thinks. It's pursuing your dreams. Bravery is living life they way you imagine it, rather than following someone else's ideals. It's also something that comes and goes. You don't have to be brave all the time. Sometimes bravery is a fleeting moment and sometimes it hangs around for weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes I feel very brave, but other times I don't feel brave at all. Sometimes bravery comes easily for me, and other times I have to work at it. And sometimes, I need someone else to be brave for me.
That is the tricky part: allowing someone to be brave for you. We live in a society that preaches independence and self-reliance when really we should lean on all of the people around us that we possibly can. I always say I'm not a hugger. I'm sure there are many of you like me. I'm not someone that hugs. I don't particularly like to be touched and I'm not a sappy person, generally. Moving to Asheville hasn't made that much of an option for me. EVERYONE here likes to hug. I get hugged by strangers several times a day. But I've found that it's not so bad. It's something that connects people. It's a way of saying "I hear you and it will be okay," without actually using words. It's comforting and healing. It's also very brave. Offering an open embrace to someone that you don't know or even to someone that you know very well is an amazing act of bravery. You're saying "Hi. I know you need someone to help you through this. I'm here, I'm open. Let me share this burden with you." That is beautiful. And it is brave.
So I'd like to propose this: what if we tried one brave thing a day. Be it giving someone a hug or trying to cook something you think you can't. What if we gave ourselves just 10 seconds a day to do something we wouldn't normally do. I think it will teach us a lot about ourselves. I think it would allow us to feel liberated. Let's see how it goes...let's start with being brave enough to take the first step and accept this challenge.
At this point in my life, I've taken down the rear view mirror and left my past exactly where it belongs, in the past. I've made decisions that I'm not proud of and I have mistakes that I probably wouldn't make today. There things that have happened to me that I'd rather forget. But overall, I've learned that you have to live by learning from your regrets rather than letting them smother you. Unfortunately, this sentiment is much easier said than done.
It takes some bravery to say "the past is over and that's all it will ever be." I believe in healing from your past, but regardless, you can't change it. You have to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that you create and forgive yourself for creating them. I have a whole post on regrets that you can read by clicking here, so I won't spend too much time on regrets today. What I'd like to focus more on is bravery and how much of it it take to live your life.
Everyone should give themselves a pat on the back for making it this far. Whether you're reading this at age 13 or 103, you've lived this long and you've done a pretty good job. Sure, there are things you would have done differently, but ultimately you're alive and that's something to be proud of. So go ahead, congratulate yourself for a job well done. And now, let's plan for how we can be brave enough to take on the rest of our lives.
Bravery is a courageous behavior or character. That's Webster's definition. I define it quite differently. To me, bravery is going to work after a loved one died. It's saying sorry after a fight. It's admitting that you're wrong. It's allowing yourself to find true love. It's being who you are despite what your family thinks. It's pursuing your dreams. Bravery is living life they way you imagine it, rather than following someone else's ideals. It's also something that comes and goes. You don't have to be brave all the time. Sometimes bravery is a fleeting moment and sometimes it hangs around for weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes I feel very brave, but other times I don't feel brave at all. Sometimes bravery comes easily for me, and other times I have to work at it. And sometimes, I need someone else to be brave for me.
That is the tricky part: allowing someone to be brave for you. We live in a society that preaches independence and self-reliance when really we should lean on all of the people around us that we possibly can. I always say I'm not a hugger. I'm sure there are many of you like me. I'm not someone that hugs. I don't particularly like to be touched and I'm not a sappy person, generally. Moving to Asheville hasn't made that much of an option for me. EVERYONE here likes to hug. I get hugged by strangers several times a day. But I've found that it's not so bad. It's something that connects people. It's a way of saying "I hear you and it will be okay," without actually using words. It's comforting and healing. It's also very brave. Offering an open embrace to someone that you don't know or even to someone that you know very well is an amazing act of bravery. You're saying "Hi. I know you need someone to help you through this. I'm here, I'm open. Let me share this burden with you." That is beautiful. And it is brave.
So I'd like to propose this: what if we tried one brave thing a day. Be it giving someone a hug or trying to cook something you think you can't. What if we gave ourselves just 10 seconds a day to do something we wouldn't normally do. I think it will teach us a lot about ourselves. I think it would allow us to feel liberated. Let's see how it goes...let's start with being brave enough to take the first step and accept this challenge.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
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