Sunday, July 27, 2014

Fragile Beauty

"You are worth so much more than your waistline.  You are worth the beautiful thoughts you think and the daring dreams you dream." -Savannah Brown

This week, I had a 15 minute conversation with someone who relentlessly told me how beautiful I was "now that I've lost so much weight."  She then proceeded to ask me to give her daughter guidance on how to lose weight.  Her daughter is not yet a teenager.  I was disgusted.  

I appreciate people pointing out my hard work to live a healthier lifestyle.  Since January, I have gone from a size 16 to a size 8 and I think that is something to celebrate.  I am making better decisions with my foods and living a more active lifestyle and I feel great.  But my beauty is not hinged on my waistline.  At least, it shouldn't be.

There are so many girls out there fighting battles within themselves because they don't feel beautiful.  You may have acne or too many freckles.  You may be overweight or underweight.  Your boobs may be too small or too big.  Your teeth may be crooked.  Your feet, or ears, or pinky finger may not be proportionate to the rest of your body.  WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH?!  Why isn't intelligence beautiful?  Why isn't passion beautiful?  Why isn't a sense of humor beautiful?  Why aren't we beautiful because of the things that make us wonderful?  Why are the following words ever used to describe a woman: fat, ugly, worthless?

Why are beauty, happiness, self-worth, and acceptance all the same thing in our society?

I am frustrated with this topic.  I don't even know where to begin ranting about all of the horrible things associated with the internal battle women face of feeling beautiful, worthy, and accepted.  But Savannah Brown did a pretty great job summing up my thoughts in this spoken word poem -- so just watch it.


"Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." -Dr. Brene Brown

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Home: Where The Heart Is

"The ache for home lives in all of us; the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."  -Maya Angelou

Everything hurts right now.  I spend too much time trying to figure out what's going on in my head and heart, but I keep moving forward.  Forward and forward.  There is something wrong with almost everything, unless there isn't.  I've seen some of the most beautiful things in the last few weeks.  Florida has so much to offer...but when it comes down to it, I've seen all of this beauty alone and beauty with no one to share it with isn't magical at all.  What's wrong with me?  The words have been swimming around in my head for days now and the answer is so clear, but so hard to admit.  I'm homesick.

I have learned so much during this experience.  I've learned how to live with strangers and create a functional household.  I've learned how to work so hard for so little.  I've learned about safety, courtesy, show, and efficiency (more than you can imagine about those four little words).  I've learned how to pay attention to every single detail because it all counts.  I've learned to be fully functional (for a 14 hour day) on 1 or 2 hours of sleep.  I've learned that public transportation sucks and have resorted to driving almost every day to work.  But most importantly, I've learned that I belong at home surrounded by people who love and support me.

One of the reasons I accepted this offer is because I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to be on my own.  I know now that I'm okay to handle being on my own, but I don't want to.  I chose Jordan and the other people in my life because they make my life good and happy - it makes sense.  The things I thought I had missed out on shouldn't make me unhappy because they aren't even close to as great as what I did get out of life.  My life in Asheville is worth not having a "college experience" (something I really craved) or proving something to myself.  I'm happy at home and I don't think anything else could make me happier.  I like my family.  I don't know what I was looking for here, but I didn't find it.  What I did find is that my home and my heart are in Asheville and I have to go back.  I've learned that nothing in life will ever be worth more than the ones you love.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm sad to be in Florida.  I want to come home so badly.  I miss everything about my life in Asheville.  There are moments of happiness here.  They are fleeting, but they do exist.  I am okay.  I am making it.  But more than anything at all, I just want to go home.  Hey, it is Disney...maybe wishes really do come true?

"A wish is a powerful thing, especially when it comes from the heart." -Jiminy Cricket, Wishes