Valued Pain

"I think every life has incredible value and I know how it feels not to be able to believe that.  I want everyone to know their story is incredibly important, no matter what's written on the pages." -Emily, TWLOHA

I spend a lot of time building up people around me.  I think about the people I meet and their stories.  I hurt for those around me.  I take on their pain and share in their struggle and I try to give them hope.  Even when I'm hopeless, I'm a source of strength for those around me.  I don't think I've always been this way -- I think I took on a great deal of struggle to gain my understanding of pain.  Family, friends, coworkers, even strangers - all of them matter to me.  Their stories live with me.  My heart hurts for them.  I fight for them because I wouldn't be alive today if people hadn't fought for me.  I also encourage them to fight for themselves...because I wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't fought for me.

Right now, I am hurting.  I'm stressed out.  I'm tired from fighting.  I'm feeling a lot of things falling around me all at once.  With all of the good things happening in my life, there are also a lot of sudden changes, complications, and added stress from decisions that will change my life.  There's no time for rest and rejuvenation.  I don't have time for me and it's hurting me.  I'm struggling to fight and let's be honest, that's not a good place to be.  I'm feeling defeated.  However, in the midst of my own pain, I still seem to be fighting for those around me.  I can't get a grip on my own life, but I can fight long and hard for the ones I care for.

I know what pain is.  I'm feeling it now.  I'm hanging on by a thread, but I AM hanging on.  There is something different about this fight than any of my previous struggles though: I WANT to hang on.  I want to try.  I want to be okay.  I believe that I deserve to live, which is an incredible feeling.  I believe that I have earned my life and the right to make decisions regarding how I spend it...and I do intend to spend it well.  I will be brave and strong because I've fallen harder, faster, and more emotionally than this before.  However, I can't fight for me right now.  I can fight for those around me.  I can hold on for them.  I can live because I know that I make a difference in their lives, but I can't fight for me.  I can't hurt for me.  I can't be there for me.

So, thank you, to those who are prevalent in my life, for your struggles.  Thank you, strangers, for sharing your stories with me.  Thank you for offering your own pain and for trusting me with your vulnerabilities.  It has given me something to fight for.  Standing for something is better than falling for nothing.  Your stories are important to me!

"Failure is not falling down, it's staying down."  -Renee Yohe

Scared to Live

"Just because you are scarred for life, doesn't mean you should be scared to live."  -Brian Celio

I felt myself dragging last week.  I caught myself thinking negatively more frequently than usual.  As soon as I saw the first signs of myself slipping I thought, "Oh no, here it is.  I knew I wasn't better.  Better doesn't exist."  But then I thought, "Why can't it?"

What does "better" look like?  Is it a family or hard earned education?  Is it a state of mind or a state of being?  Is it the same or different for everyone?  Is "better" something I can achieve fully or something I must strive towards every single day?  I'm sure there is someone out there who is an expert on the philosophy of achieving something "better."  I am not that person, but I do have a personal opinion on the matter: perhaps better isn't something we can or even should strive for.  Maybe better isn't a word with any bearing whatsoever on our lives.  Perhaps, instead of striving for "better" we should strive for something more measurable.  The problem with words like "better" and "stable" and "healthy" is that they aren't conclusive.  Those words hold little to no meaning when used out of context.  Maybe instead of striving for "better" we should strive for things like sleeping regularly, eating full meals (three times a day), and getting out of the house, or even just out of bed, just because we want to.  (Those of you who have never experienced a deep depression before don't understand how much of an undertaking those tasks are when you are deeply depressed -- trust me, you can go days without eating or sleeping and never leaving your bed/house...you don't know until you've been there just how hard those things can be.)  Eating, sleeping, and being active are things we can see -- we can measure them.  These goals are attainable -- we can reach them because we know exactly what results we are attempting to achieve.

I'd like to think that I'm not scared of falling back into the depression that once ruled my life.  I'd like to think that I AM really "better" and that I will never slip again.  The truth is, I don't know .  I don't know if the worst is over or if the worst is yet to come.  I don't know how many more times I will contemplate ending my own life.  I don't know if I'll ever be THAT irrational again.  And the fact that I don't know those things scares the hell out of me.  Today, I feel good.  Last week, I didn't.  Who knows what the future holds.  Eventually, I will die.  It could be tomorrow, it could be 80 years from now.  It could be from old age, disease, or self harm.  When you've brushed death as closely as I have, as many times as I have, on your own free will, the word "death" stops scaring you and starts to feel, well, normal.  What begins to scare you is your comfort level with the topic of death and your knowledge of the mental health system.  I guess, for now, I just have to appreciate the life I have and the time I am given to live it.  I have to continue to develop my skills that I use to combat depression.  And I have to write...and share what I have written and hope that someone out there understands my insatiable desire to grasp hold of any and everything that gives me reason to live.

I Believe

I believe if I knew where I was going
I'd lose my way
I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave
I know that we are not the weight of all our memories
I believe in the things I am afraid to see
Hold on, hold on...
I believe in the lost possibilities you cannot see
And I believe in the darkness that reminds us where light can be
I know you're heart is still beating, beating
I believe that you fell so you could land next to me
Hold on, hold on...
'Cause I've been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
This is not the end of me
This is the beginning
Hold on
I am still alive.
-Christina Perri, I Believe

I've tried to put into words how much I connect with this song.  I've decided that there's no way to describe it.  My soul screams these words.  For now, I think I should just leave this here for you to enjoy.  Let your heart feel these words, today.

Love Isn't Math

So many of us block out our emotions because it's easier to tuck them away, hide them in the depths of our souls, than to actually feel those emotions.  Emotions are messy.  They're hard to figure out.  How many people do you know got love right on the very first shot?  How many people date one person their whole lives, marry that person, and stay with them forever?  Zero?  That's what I got too.  How many moms and dads never make a mistake?  How many sons and daughters never say a hurtful word?  You see, love isn't math.  There isn't a right or wrong answer.  There isn't a formula that you can plug everything in to.  There isn't a test you can run to make sure things fit.  Love allows for mistakes.  Love allows us to be human.  And when we find the right love, everything will fit.  We will still have problems and make mistakes and say hurtful words, but at the end of the day, the right love will still hold us steadily, exactly where we need to be.

It's going to be okay.  Just remember, love isn't math.