Show Up: A Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

Losing a husband is probably the most painful thing you've experienced in your life thus far.  While it feels far too young to be labeled a widow, you've lived long enough to know that we are not in control of the things that happen in our lives.  Today, I'm not writing to say that I understand your pain or that I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm not writing to tell you not to worry about me or that everything is going to be okay.  Today I'm writing to do that thing that I do when everything feels bad - I don't have answers, I just have perspective and compassion.

Three days ago you lost the man you shared everything with.  When you share everything with someone, that means they share everything with you too.  Which means when you lose them, they can try to take a piece of you with them.  That's okay.  You're allowed to hurt and feel sad and even lay on the bathroom floor sobbing if that is what you feel.  However, you have to do those things you feel and the things you don't feel too.  Make yourself smile at least once a day, even if it's not a real one.  Make yourself eat a meal or two.  Make yourself a hot cup of tea because it feels good.  Go outside.  Cuddle your dog.  Anything that's happy, do that.  But most importantly, show up.

Show up, mom.  Not just for meetings or work or doctor's appointments because those things aren't really all that important.  Show up for life.  Remember that there are flowers outside and stop to smell them.  Make that cup of tea extra sweet just so you can taste the honey and think about the bees that made.  Think about dreams you've had and never fulfilled.  Pick one.  Try it.  Dream of something impossible and write about it.  Take a pottery class.  Try something new.  Go on a vacation to somewhere you've always wanted to go.  Or somewhere you've never wanted to go.  Be amazing because you ARE!

You don't have to do it all today.  You don't have to change the world or save lives or enroll in pottery class or become a bee keeper this month.  But make that cup of tea today.  Tomorrow do the same thing, but drink it outside.  Healing happens one step at a time.  I know you are strong, but you don't have to be right now.  Just take some time to take care of you and make sure that you show up.

I'm so very proud to call you my mother and I'm so very hurt over the pain that you're in, but I am so very thankful for the eleven years you had to love this man.  Tomorrow may not be good, but it can be better.  I love you, mom.  Show up.

In Loving Memory

Father. Friend. Husband. Hero.

As we walk through life we often are given titles.  Some of them are birthrights, such as our name.  Some of them we gain, and have to maintain, such as becoming a husband or wife.  And some of them are more special than that.  Some titles speak to our very existence and the things we've chosen to be.  An act of being, in my opinion, is the greatest thing one can do with their lives.  And in the case of my step-father, Tim, he knew how to "be." 

I described his life earlier this week as a life well lived.  By that I mean he did things with the time he had.  He enjoyed it.  He laughed.  He loved.  He found reasons to appreciate bad situations and celebrated good ones.  But most of all he did good things.  He devoted his life to the military (air force).  He also specialized in martial arts.  He spent his life teaching his art to children in efforts to keep them engaged and off of the streets.  Tim was not a force to be reckoned with.  But neither was he as tough as anyone believed.  He was a gentle soul that was truly compassionate.

Disease comes fast.  I saw my step father on May 6 and he said "don't try to come see me in this hospital bed without a peppermint patty." In very good spirits, in okay condition.  I saw him again on June 1, in not very good condition, but still the nurses and doctors told us recovery was possible.  Four days later, recovery was no longer possible.  

There are things to be learned here and Tim would want that, so let us not forget:

1. Live your life, and live it well.  You get one chance and you don't know when it ends.  Recovery may seem possible, but in four days it may be over... don't stop where you are.  Don't let good enough, be good enough because it absolutely isn't.  No matter what the endeavor, if you've stopped before surpassing your goals, you've stopped too soon.  Live life well - and don't wait to start doing so.

2. What do you want your title to be?  Find what it is that you love and embrace that.  Are you a fighter or a hero or a mother or a video gamer?  Whatever it is, be great at what you do.  Never stop asking questions and never stop asking for more.

3. Finally, never lose your love.  Ambition is wonderful and important, but don't forget to pursue it with love in your heart and kindness in your eyes.  

As we move forward and discover what life is like with one less person in it, our hearts can remember what we've learned from someone that did so much for so many people.  

Doing what he loved in the school he built.

New Beginnings

"Life is either a great adventure or nothing." -Helen Keller

Today is the day.  Today I will turn in my notice and begin preparing for a new adventure.  Although, I'm not quite sure how to feel about it.  I'm very sad to leave my home here in Asheville.  I believe that I live in the most beautiful city in North Carolina and making the decision to give that up has been incredibly emotional for me.  I've also invested myself in new friendships that I'm not prepared to leave.  I have some amazing people in my life here.  I have the type of friends I know I can call at 11pm and say "I'm lost somewhere in Tennessee and my phone is about to die, can you tell me how to get home?" (yes, this has actually happened) and they're always there - not only giving directions, but also lending support to keep me calm.

Asheville is also quite the resourceful area.  Nature is our playground here.  I will miss being able to step outside, point any direction, decide that's where I'd like to explore and know that something amazing awaits me.  I've seen waterfalls, rivers, mountain tops, mile high swinging bridges, ziplines, kayaks, wild bears, you name it - we've done it!  And it was all so beautiful.  The amazing things we've discovered in this city have captured my heart and truly become a part of who I am.  These are much more than activities - it becomes a way of life.  Leaving that saddens me.

However, sometimes life hits you and it says "it's time."  Maybe it's not forever, but it is for right now.  I'm going to be with my family while they experience some pretty tough changes.  It will be nice to be close by when the tragic phone calls come rather than 3 hours away knowing there's nothing you can do to help.  I'll be in school there, I'll work there, and hopefully I'll find something to love about it as much as I love Asheville.

So, here's to 3 more weeks of fitting in every last adventure I can.  And then here's to beginning a new one...