Christmas is for Teaching

"Christmas... that magic blanket that wraps itself around us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance.  It may weave a spell of nostalgia.  Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but it will always be a day of remembrance -- a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved."  -Augusta E. Rundel

Earlier this week, I was doing a makeover on a woman and she and I started talking about the holidays.  When she left, she told me to have a Merry Christmas and I returned the sentiment.  Someone nearby commented that she was offended by my response.  She said that I should not say "Merry Christmas" but rather "Happy Holidays."  (For the record, I don't normally wish anyone a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday at work, but if they give their sentiments, I always return the favor.)  I was having lunch with my good friend, A'lyssa, the next day and telling her about this woman that was genuinely upset over me wishing this woman a Merry Christmas.  We started talking about religion and holidays and the meaning of it all...this is the overview of our holiday conversation (:

In general, Christmas seems to have lost it's meaning, which is so heartbreaking.  Jordan and I both agree that there is a reason for the season, however, we don't think that giving gifts is the proper way to celebrate that "reason."  Even still, we do give each other and friends and family Christmas presents.  The reason is, we think Christmas is a great time to teach lessons.  When we have children, we hope to use Christmas as a time to teach the gift of giving, responsibility with budgeting, and understanding that sometimes we have to choose between two things that we really want.

Obviously, the gift of giving is simple.  They'll learn that giving to others makes you feel good.  They'll learn that there are many less fortunate and that they should share what they've been given with those around them.  However, in order to allow someone to experience the gift of giving, you yourself have to be willing to receive.  This is another lesson they will learn -- how to be humble in receiving.  Our Children will be given a set dollar amount for how much they can spend on Christmas gifts as a whole.  We will sit down with them and teach them how to budget to get the perfect gift for everyone on their lists without spending beyond their means.  We believe that starting these lessons young, will make them more financially responsible as they grow older.  While making their Christmas lists, they'll know how much we're able to spend on each child.  This may mean that they have to choose between two gifts that they really want.  Decision making is a trait that we want to develop early.  Knowing that they can't have EVERYTHING at a young age, in our opinion, will make them more likely to make wise decisions on what they do and don't need when they're older.

While we will do fun things and Christmas will be a fun event in our household, we will use it as a time of teaching.  Being together and sharing time and joy with one another will be something that I hope is a daily event in our home...but learning the lessons of Christmas will be something I look forward to every year.

On a similar note, I'd like to take the time to acknowledge two people who have given me an awesome Christmas present.  Veronica (@VeronicaLeeAn) and Nancy (@RillitoRigata) have tweeted some of the kindest words I've ever heard this holiday season.  These two ladies have been so amazingly encouraging and supportive.  It's amazing to me that someone I've never even met can reach out and really relate to my story and provide strength, unity, and encouragement.  Thank you ladies so much!  Jordan and I hope your holiday seasons are filled with love and joy.

Ambitious

"Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it.  Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there.  And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive.  But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent."  -George Jung

I've spent my whole life trying to do great things.  I want to be known for something.  I want someone to notice the time and energy I put into being a good person.  I want someone to acknowledge the people I've tried to help and the initiative I've tried to take.  I want people to think my blog is worth reading because I feel like I have something worth saying.  I want people to understand me.  I want to be noticed, not forgotten.  I want to actually make a difference in the world and not just talk about it.  We all do.  We all want to feel like our lives mattered.  The truth is, waiting for someone to recognize your life matters, isn't going to make your life matter.  We all do great things, some just seemingly go unnoticed, and that's okay.

I like tattoos.  A lot.  I feel as though they are a way to express myself and keep a piece of my story alive throughout the years.  It's a way to have your own private legacy.  I also feel as though it's a way to share a piece of myself wherever I go.  I have a chest piece and more than once a day, someone asks what it says.  "And though she be but little she is fierce."  The response is more often than not, "that's beautiful, where is it from?"  Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream.  But THEN I get to say how it reminds me that no matter how insignificant I feel, I am strong and I am important.  That's an important message to share.  You are strong.  You are important.  And I get to tell someone that every single day.  Sometimes they ask what other tattoos I have and what they mean.  Sometimes they don't.  But regardless, they've heard something that mattered, something that is important for me to share with the world.  I don't care that it may not impact them or change their life.  I care that they know.  That they've heard it.  Because one day, there will be someone that is really changed by hearing that and that makes my voice heard.

The truth is, everyone has done something that matters...and you may feel like that something was forgotten years ago and will never be thought of again, but that's not the truth.  Your "something that mattered" will be remembered forever by the person you've affected.  You may not have made the news or had a book written about you.  Your story was never mentioned on Ellen or Oprah or Tyra.  But what you did mattered.  Because the person you helped remembers.  You've done great things.  You will do more great things.  Maybe you should have been recognized, but that shouldn't stop you from doing more great things!

On a side note, I have 6 incredibly awesome tattoos.  Check out the people that did my work -- I know they would all love to do your next tattoo!  Clicking on the name will send you to the link:
Allyson Johnson - Columbia, SC
Shane Gauldin - Archdale, NC
Doug York - Mebane, NC

Broken Communication Held Us Together

In 9 days, I will be sharing my 3rd Christmas with Jordan Poole...this is our first Christmas as a married couple.  It's amazing to see how far we've come.  I stumbled upon something this week that's reminded me of our first few months together.  Jordan's blog.  If you read my coming out story, you know that we weren't allowed to see or speak to each other for a full month before I turned 18.  Well, we did communicate.  To this day, I don't think anyone knows how we did.  So, here it is.

Because we worked across the street from each other, we were in pretty close vicinity.  When I got to work everyday, I looked to see if her car was in the parking lot.  My parents would randomly show up at work or have someone they knew drop in and check on me, so I knew better than to walk into Moe's myself.  So, if her car was in the parking lot, I would find someone at work that was either getting off or going to lunch and ask them to take a note to Moe's for me.  They would take my note to her and she would send one back in exchange for one of us paying for that person's food.  However, Jordan was in college about an hour and a half away, so she was only in town on the weekends.  So, during the week, she would blog.  It was never anything written directly to me, but always about me.  She made sure that she gave me something to hold on to each week.  I would check it every single day, even though I knew she wouldn't be able to post every day.  I was waiting to hear something, anything...but more importantly, I was waiting to know that she was still in this with me.  Her blogs would be written in the form of poems and it was done very anonymously so that if my parents ever saw it, they wouldn't be able to tie it back to her directly.  Obviously, they would know.  But they wouldn't be able to prove it.  Sometimes, all I would get was something like this: You're on My Mind.  But More often than not, it would be more like this: Just Within Our Reach.

We were smart about it.  I made sure I trusted whoever I sent from Old Navy to Moe's.  I erased the links from my computer history after I check the blog.  I only looked at the blog from home when no one was there or from school.  It's crazy to me how we've gone from having to communicate in secret to a married couple with a normal life.  I must say, it was hard to hang on to something you never had proof of.  But it ripped my heart out to imagine her not being there with me.  I don't know how or why I loved Jordan so much so soon.  I can honestly say, I still feel the same way about her.  Love at first sight doesn't even come close to what I felt for her...what I still feel for her.  She put up with so much to be with me.  I don't know why.  We both gave up so much.  It would've been much easier for either of us to walk away...but we wouldn't be able to forget what we felt for each other.  That's what held us together.  I would do it all again tomorrow if it meant I got to spend the rest of my life with the woman I love.

From when we first met...

 To now...

We've been in this together.  We've fought long and hard for one another.  And approaching our 3rd Christmas, I'm giving myself time to enjoy what we have.  I'm thankful for who we are as a couple.  I'm thankful for who we are as individuals and what we both bring to our relationship.  We make each other stronger and we use that strength to do good for each other and those around us.  I'm proud of me, her, and us.  Two Christmases ago, I got the love of my life.  Here's to 80 more Christmases!

My Coming Out Story

Up until the summer before my senior year of high school, I was the most conservative person you could imagine.  Looking back on my life, I'm embarrassed at how judgmental I was.  I was against all things liberal and wasn't even interested in hearing an opposing argument to my beliefs.  What I believed was the only thing that mattered to me.  I'm not proud of that person.  However, there are many people that would say "she used to be such a good girl."  You see, the town I grew up in, this sort of closed minded thinking was appropriate and widely accepted.  It wasn't just me -- most of those around me went to the same churches and held the same beliefs.  It was cool to proclaim to be a Christian in my high school.  I'm not saying that everyone lived like they were "followers of Christ," but many people did profess their faith openly.  It was probably more unheard of to hear that someone didn't believe in God than to hear that someone did.  What can I say, we were the products of our raising: small, southern, conservative town.  I was more extreme than most, but I definitely wasn't the most extreme.

The summer before my senior year, I came out to my parents.  It was a total accident.  I didn't want to tell them.  My step-mom was the first to know.  She noticed I was getting particularly close to a homosexual co-worker.  She started poking around in my life.  Eventually we got into an argument about spending time with the aforementioned co-worker and it just came out.  It wasn't planned.  It wasn't a conversation.  I never got the opportunity to tell my father -- my step-mom handled that for me.  They acknowledged it for a few days and then they decided that "I wasn't actually gay."  Then I started talking about a girl that I was attracted to.  Again, it was brushed off and never really discussed.  I told my mom the weekend after my brother's college graduation.  She was devastated.  I didn't hear from her for months after I told her.  

After my parents knew, my feelings were kept very private.  It wasn't until I met Jordan that I began to open up about my feelings towards women again.  I met Jordan in December of my senior year of high school.  She worked at Moe's and I worked at Old Navy in Burlington, NC.  If you aren't familiar with the area, Moe's is directly across from Old Navy and it's one of two reasonably priced, non-fast food places to eat in that shopping center.  Naturally, I ate there frequently because it was quick, cheap, and I could walk instead of driving, which meant I didn't have to find a parking spot when I came back from my break.  Jordan and I met at Moe's.  To make a long story short, I ate there every day for a week and when she didn't get the hint I asked her out on a date.  By "asked her out on a date," I mean I told her that she was taking me on a date the next day.  I told her the time and place...and she showed up (:  We joke that she's been doing what I say ever since.

When Jordan came into my life is when everything changed.  My parents didn't take kindly to her.  They would call her and harass her.  They held an intervention in which they called her and said awful things about me to her and attempted to convince her that she didn't want to date me.  They also held interventions on my end, telling me that I couldn't see her.  We weren't allowed to see each other.  We weren't allowed to talk to each other.  We had no means of communication.  For one full month, I had no idea if she was even alive.  Eventually, my parents invited Jordan to dinner with them.  By invited, I mean they said "it would be in your best interest to have dinner with us."  We went to Elizabeth's Pizza.  My parents were equipped with a list of questions for Jordan and myself to answer and they tried their damnedest to make us hate one another.  After the dinner ended, they drove me to a psychiatric hospital and tried to have me committed.   The doctor told them that there wasn't anything wrong with me -- that doctor gave me the strength to make it through the next few months.  With everyone around me pushing so much negativity my way and telling me how awful I was, having someone with a medical degree say there's nothing wrong with me allowed me to hold on to the person I knew I was.

As my 18th birthday approached, I knew I would be faced with even harder times.  I turned 18 on March 1st and I was forced to choose between my family and Jordan.  I chose Jordan.  This may seem crazy.  I had only known her 3 months.  I know.  But to me, choosing Jordan wasn't choosing her forever (at least not at the time) - it was choosing to stand up for myself.  It was choosing to live my life as a free, happy, GAY woman.  It was acknowledging that I could never be myself at home and to be happy, I needed the freedom to be me.  

That week was the hardest week of my life.  I lost my family, my home, my job, and my sanity all at once.  I had nothing.  For the following two weeks I received threatening emails and phone calls from various people.  My father attempted to have me arrested for theft because his garage door opener was in my car when I left.   My parents were calling my school to find out where I was.  It was a really stressful time.  It was hard. Eventually, things cooled off.  The situation diffused itself a little bit.  About a month later, I got an email inviting me to dinner and asking "do you have the balls to face us again?"  I ceased contact with them altogether.  

So, where are we now?  Well, my dad and step mom didn't attend my high school graduation, my wedding, or have any part in my life whatsoever.  Every so often, I'll hear from them.  I'll get a text (maybe) once every three months.  They aren't involved in my life and I've come to terms with that.  My mother and I have begun to talk on a regular basis.  She attended my high school graduation.  She was not at my wedding.  But we do speak on the phone.  She knows where I live.  She's been to Hickory some.  She has even begun to see Jordan for short periods of time.  She acknowledges that Jordan is a part of my life and that she's very important to me.  

My story of coming out is not a story of success.  It doesn't seem to have much of a happy ending.  I left behind a lot of my old life.  I lost a lot.  However, I AM HAPPY.  My story was a long, hard road, but it's brought me to a wonderful place.  I get to wake up every morning next to the woman I love.  I'm so happy with where I am today.  I can't fathom anyone being more in love than we are.  Jordan is SO good to me.  She loves me much more than I deserve.  I guess, the point of me sharing this part of my story is because many people are so scared of coming out.  They don't know where their journey will take them.  I'm here to say that it is really hard, but stand your ground and fight your fight because it is the most worthwhile thing I've ever done with my life.  The struggle will be worth it.  You will find true joy at the end of the road.  Don't settle for second best when the love of your life is staring you straight in the eyes.  

"No great love ever came with out a great struggle."

"You're Only as Sick as Your Secrets"

Photo from Postsecret.

This photo struck a chord in me.  "Free your secrets and become who you are."  Do my secrets really prohibit me from becoming myself?  The more I think about it, the more I agree with the statement. When you're holding something deep within yourself, you aren't really you.  What secrets are you hiding?  I'm sure many of them are full of hurt and pain.  Sorrow, grief, and loss.  Mourning.  What have you been through that you're too scared to say out loud.  And why can't you let go of it?  That, to me, is the biggest sign that secrets prohibit us from being ourselves: we can't let go of them.  If we could, they wouldn't be secrets.  The fact that we feel the need to hold on to these things -- to rehash and relive these instances -- this shows me that they stick with us for a reason and that reason may be prohibiting us from living our lives to the fullest.

"If we knew each other's secrets, what comfort we should find."  - John Churton Collins

When She Cries

"I don't know if it's possible to define a point where a friendship begins.  There is no clear threshold -- but there is proof that someone has crossed it.  A friend is a story-bearer, one who lives so that the life of their friend may be known to everyone they meet.  Even the most selfish among us, if they have a friend, will melt in a moment's notice at the heartbreak of a loved one.  The meek will dig to find their loudest voice on behalf of someone they hold dear."

Friendship at times can be painful and sleepless, but its never a chore.  Friendship assures that our screams and questions will never go unnoticed.  Friendship knows that piecing together questions and lives is an honor.

Friends exist to help us remember how to walk after we've fallen to our knees.

Maybe you or someone around you needs a friend today.

Rest Easy Now

Most nights, I have a hard time sleeping.  It's a lot better than it used to be.  There was a point in time where I would go weeks never sleeping more than an hour a night.  I would be exhausted and run down and suffered from other physical and psychological effects from the lack of sleep.  Now, my insomnia is under control, for the most part.  I have a routine and things I can do to help me wind down.  I also have medications.  When all else fails, I have wine.  On a good night, I can sleep a full 7-8 hours.  On a bad night, I won't sleep at all.  But on average, I can sleep about 5 hours a night (only waking up once), which is incredible considering where I started.  Generally, I don't sleep more than 3 hours without waking up, but since my insomnia has been under control, I've been able to fall back asleep in about 5-15 minutes.  For me, waking up in the middle of the night is normal and it doesn't bother me.  I've come to accept the fact that my body needs to assure that everything is okay before it can rest again.

Sometimes life is like that.  We have to keep a check on everything and make sure it is okay before we can rest.  The problem is, most of the time, we forget to rest again.  We keep a check on our best friend and co workers.  We make sure the office isn't burning down and all of our school work is together.  We check on our brothers and sisters and other family members to make sure no one's killed anyone yet.  We attend baby showers and weddings and birthdays and holiday gatherings.  We attend funerals and meetings, which can sometimes feel like the same thing.  We check on our pets and our emails.  We have to check phone calls and emails and Facebook and Twitter.  When do you check on you?  When do you rest?  Don't forget to rest.

Today, I was overwhelmed.  We had a very expensive emergency occur.  I spent the day checking on bills and the emergency and making sure that all the correct amounts of money were in all of the correct places.  It wasn't even 10 am before I lost it this morning.  The tears came fast and hard.  I decided to rest.  From 10-10:30 I cried.  Then from 10:30-12, I rested.  I didn't overdo it.  I didn't spend the whole day laying in bed or on the couch.  But I gave myself time to calm down and allow my body some relief.  After relaxing, I got up and went on with my day.  I still had to deal with the reality that we have a problem that needs fixing.  I still had to face the issue at hand, but giving myself time to rest gave me the strength and energy to address my problem and look at it calmly.

Resting doesn't solve anything for you.  It just helps you maintain stability.  Jordan and I still haven't figured out exactly how to handle everything right now.  We don't have all of the answers that we crave.  I'm not at peace.  But I am calm.

Give your body a break.  Give your heart some love.  Don't expect resting to fix you, but allow it to help you, boost you.  At the end of the day, you may be no better off than you were at the beginning, but it won't make things worse.  So, what do you have to lose?

"Each of us deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares that will not withdraw from us."  -Maya Angelou

Nothing Hurts More Than Hurt

"Scream out loud until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal
And those that know you most
Can help you live again
So keep them close
As you're making your new start.
At least we live tonight."
- Steven McMorran, Ring the Bells

I heard this song this week and instantly burst into tears.  It's been a rough week for me.  I've pushed through it well and haven't had any "bad" days...but as holidays approach, my heart feels heavier and heavier each day.  I'm anxious for life to return to a more relaxed pace.  But this song brought me to a place of peace in the midst of a rough day.  "At least we live tonight."  Wow, could I say it any better?  This time last year, no one thought I would make it to 2012.  Now, we're approaching 2013!  This time last year, I couldn't see past the next day...now I talk about where I want to be when I'm 25? Or 30?  I can realistically picture growing old -- something I hadn't even considered just 12 short months ago.  This week was hard, but I'm alive.  That's all I need to be.  We don't always have it in us to be "happy" or even "okay."  Can we acknowledge that alive is enough sometimes?

"When Facebook asks how you're doing and you don't want to tell anyone because that means that they would really know what you're like... :/"
-Sarah May

The pain I felt when I read this.  I know this young lady very well.  Well, I should say I knew her very well.  We've fallen apart as my life has progressed and moved forward.  But she is someone that I continuously think about and worry for.  I put this quote on here to show that those around us do need love and security.  As we move forward, we have to acknowledge the pain of others.  My heart breaks when I think about those around me who feel what I've felt.  Who hurt like I've hurt.  Once you've been there and encounter darkness like this, your heart becomes heavy for those around you.  To Sarah, and everyone like Sarah, hang in there.  At least you live tonight.  Believe in you.  Believe that hope exists and that rescue is possible.  And just try.  All you can do is try.  Try to smile, to laugh, to feel...and when you can't, just try to breathe.

"How much you hate me doesn't even skim the surface of how much I hate myself.  My own darkness is far greater than the identity you've placed upon me."
-Keltie Colleen

I know this third quote is harsh, but when I read this, I really resonated with it.  My biggest struggle to this day is how much I dislike myself.  I'm sure there are plenty of people in this world that I've hurt.  There are plenty of people that hate me.  But trust me, it's no where near how I feel about myself.  We all have a darkness inside -- something that we just don't like about ourselves.  But when the somethings that we don't like outweigh the somethings that we do like, we have a problem.  I loathe myself.  I work with myself every day to accept me.  Sometimes, I like myself more than others.  Sometimes, I don't know why anyone would want to be around me.  I guess, what pushes me to think better and be better, is that loving myself is something that only I can do for me.  Jordan can't love me for me...she can love me, but she can't make me love me.  It's also the key to moving forward from depression.  You can't heal you, unless you decide you're worth healing.  You are.

Step out of your darkness.  Or try to.  Or be alive tonight.  And if you need help, ask for it.  Or try to.  Hope is real.  Rescue is possible.  And your dreams can be far greater than your fears.  You are a life worth saving.  Just, please stay alive.

Living an Adenture

Adventurous.  Adjective.  Definition: Inclined to undertake new and daring enterprises.

I do not want to get to the end of my life and think "I wish I would have done it differently."  I don't want to be old and bitter.  I want to live now.  I want to acknowledge that life is short and that embracing every moment of it is critical.  I hope to grow old and have a house and children.  But what if I don't?  What if I contract a fatal disease tomorrow and am told I have 3 weeks to live?  What would I do?  And why am I not doing it now?

Living without regret isn't living recklessly.  It's living.  Plain and simple.  It's making the best of your life.  It's making the life you've been given, what it was created to be...beautiful.

I know I've talked about this before: my "mom" relentlessly follows her dreams.  She's adventurous and courageous and she's set an awesome example for me.  Even before we were mother-daughter, she taught me to dream as big as I want.  She taught me that dreams can become reality.  And she never let a no stop her - she only let it push her further.

My wife is a good example of this as well.  She was the ideal student.  Everything she accomplished in her undergraduate program was geared towards moving on to graduate school.  However, when the time came to apply, nearly every person she spoke with and every school she applied to told her that she would need a year worth of "professional experience" before she could be admitted into their program.  She didn't care what they said.  We spent hours together researching programs and their admission criteria.  We were prepared to move cross-country if we had to.  And we were prepared to not give up...no matter what.  When that acceptance letter finally came, it was a BIG achievement.

I'm proud of the examples that have been set for me.  My mom and my wife are happy with the decisions that they've made.  Even when things didn't turn out as they'd expected, or when something wasn't as it had seemed, they both have held their heads high knowing that they don't have to spend the rest of their lives wondering if they had missed an opportunity.

I don't know what my dreams are yet.  I don't have my life planned out.  I know that I want children and a home.  I know that I want to see the world.  But I don't know where I'll be in 5 years.  Hell, I don't know where I'll be next year!  I do know, whatever I decide, I have some pretty supportive people standing behind me.  They've always believe in my abilities and let me follow my own path.  I'm sure if my mom were planning my life for me, I wouldn't have been in beauty school.  She would have put me in Loyola or Brown...but when I approached her with the idea of Aveda, I had her full support.  She asked me if it was what I wanted and if it would make me happy.  That's all that mattered to her.  Really, that's all that should matter to anyone!

As January approaches, I know that I will be enrolling in school again.  I don't know what classes I'm going to take.  I don't know if I'll obtain my associates degree and stop there or move on and go further.  I don't know if I'll ever use my degree or continue on my current path.  I do know that education is important to me.  I have an innate desire to learn and I'm good at school.  It feels good to embark on something that you know you're good at.  I know that learning makes me happy.  And by the standards of those who matter, that's all that's important in this world.

Many Thanks

"The best performance of your life.  Walking through day after day knowing that you've got something deep down that's so disturbing, you don't know how to describe it and you don't know how to ask for help.  So, you give the best performance of your life.  And then you go home and cry.  Your soul can't take the pain anymore and your heart is so heavy.  The life you've always dreamed of seems so far out of reach.  You feel worthless and you can't even fathom feeling worthy again.  Your brain is irrational and your grasp on reality is unclear.  But still, you give the best performance of your life.  You look fine.  You might even look good.  But the war going on inside of you is merely masked, not reconciled.  You can't ask for help.  How would you?  So, you give the best performance of your life.  And then, you fall.  You risk everything to ask for help, but help mocks you.  So, you spend hours lying on the bathroom floor, not knowing when the pain will end...to feel nothing would be better than feeling THIS.  You don't sleep or eat or move.  You breathe.  And wonder.  How can you stop giving the best performance of your life?"

This is a journal entry from one of my darkest times.  About an hour after this was written, I consumed 35, 50mg tablets of Vistaril.  I should have died.  I did the research.  My heart should have stopped within about 10 minutes of consumption.  Everything was supposed to end.  But I didn't account for one thing...a really good college suitemate.  She saved my life.  She called EMS and my counselor and got people involved.  She was my advocate.  In the hospital, my doctors were my advocate.  When I left the hospital, my "mom" was my advocate.  Carissa acted really angry with me as soon as she found out.  I know, looking back on the situation, she wasn't mad.  She was worried.  She didn't know what to say, but she had to say something.  So, she was angry: "Why didn't you call me?  I would've driven to Columbia.  You have to tell me!  I can't just know from 200 miles away what's going on in your life!"  What she meant was, I love you and I'm glad you're okay...but please let me be there for you next time.  She was my advocate.

When I moved back to Burlington, I had a team of advocates and they were all healthy for me in different ways.  I had Carissa- my dose of reality.  A hard ass when she needs to be and a loving hug or should to cry on when she doesn't.  I had Jordan- my wife and my rock.  I can share my pain with her when I can't handle it.  Someone to help carry the load.  I had Emily- my counselor and my point of view.  I can share my darkest thoughts with her and she sheds light on situations and gives me the tools to work through them.  I had Bekka Woods- she just understands.  Always.  I had Lachelle and Jessica- my professional development team at Aveda...who kept me in school and gave my life depth and purpose.  They made me feel like I could and (more importantly) DESERVED to be successful.  I had friends and family that held my hand and helped me work through day to day issues.  They know my triggers and my signals and they keep an eye out for me.

Now, being in Hickory, I have more independence, but in the same token, I have more support.  I still have everyone from Burlington behind me.  I still have everyone from Columbia behind me.  I have a new group of people who love and care for me too though.  I've met new friends and have new interests, but I still have the team of people that raised me up in my darkest hours.  I also have a new found sense of self-sustainability.  I can take care of me...and I do a good job of it.  I don't feel bad very often.  In fact, I'm probably the happiest I've ever been.  I still have bad days and bad things still happen.  I even have small bouts with depression.  And not every task is easy.  But I can take it day by day and I have the best team behind me when I feel like I can't do it anymore.  I know who I am and where I've come from.  I also know that I'm not all that I'm ever going to be.  There are trials to come.  But there are joys to come.  And I can see both, clearly.

I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for my advocates.  Medications and therapy are all great tools, but having someone there when those things fail are something that all mental health patients should have prepared.  Acknowledge that you can't handle some things.  Acknowledge that you aren't strong enough to deal...yet!  Know that you have the tools and you're preparing to fight, but don't leave your army behind!  Would you go to war alone?  Take your gun, take your shield...but don't forget your backup.  Call in your reinforcements.

Today, I want to thank the support that I have in my life.  I want to thank the kind words and soft hearts.  I also want to thank the people that pushed me, when I thought I couldn't go further.  I want to thank the people who asked for help FOR me...because they knew I wouldn't.  I want to thank the people that have kept me alive.  And I want to thank the people that allow me to share my stories.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."  -JFK

Sharing Strength

"We are going to have to let the truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us."  -Beth Moore

I have a heart that truly feels.  But it seems to be that the ability to feel joy is balanced out conversely with the ability to feel pain.  From a young age, I remember having feelings of elation that would quickly give way to deep melancholy, with no time frame as to when I would receive relief.  But I could still feel.

When my depression began, it started with anxiety.  Then I felt painful, heart-wrenching anguish...then nothing.  I felt nothing.  Sadness was gone, happiness was gone.  I was left with nothing.  It was as if my humanity and everything I understood about myself was stripped from me.  I was breathing, but I wasn't alive.  It was months before I felt anything and the first feeling I had was anger.  I had no clue what I was angry about or even how to express it, but I was mad!  Not bitter, not violent, just furious.  Eventually, that anger was resolved and I was able to feel other things like grief and pain.  Then, I was able to feel joy and love.  I regained understanding of myself and who I am as a person.

Through this, I learned a powerful truth -- when we gain solace from our struggles, we have a unique ability to share that solace with others.  Since then, I have been able to share my experience and try to give hope to those who could find none.

This week, my feelings have been in overdrive.  My heart has been heavy.  Tears have been abundant.  I haven't been very patient and I haven't been very encouraging.  I haven't been empathetic or understanding.  I've tried to "fly under the radar," for lack of a better phrase.  It's been my goal to be unnoticed, and simply survive.

Matthew's funeral is Friday.  While the event itself won't be pleasant or easy, I do think it will be healing.  I think that there will be a part of me that finds solace in being united with others who feel what I'm feeling and hurt like I'm hurting.  Though we will be together because we have experienced a tragedy, we will be together nonetheless.  We will be able to share our stories and experiences, and in the process, we will share strength.

Hang in There

Facebook has been glum today.  It's looked a little something like this:

"Brown Summit is hurting and in pain."

"I just can't stop asking myself why.  This is so unreal."

"Still teary eyed.  So hard to grasp.  You've left many in confusion."

"I can't describe the hurt right now."

"The class of 2010 will never be the same."

It goes on and on.  I'm sure many of you have seen the same posts.  Some of you may have even posted something similar to this.  Brown Summit truly is hurting...this event truly is painful.

The death of Matthew Johnson has really torn my hometown up.  It's also brought many together.  Today, I've been struggling with how preventable this was.  I think back to how long it's been since I've seen him.  I wonder why we lost touch and what could have gone differently.  He was my cousin.  For 10 years, he lived 3 houses down from me.  I hurt for his sister.  I hurt for his parents.  I can't imagine the pain his best friends are in (I love you, Chelsea Smith).  I think of all of the tears.  I think of all of the people who can't quite wrap their minds around it and how they're going to cope with this.

I don't have any answers.  I can't bring him back.  All I can do is suggest that you do something today to prevent this from happening tomorrow.  Reach out to someone that you love.  No one knew how badly Matthew was hurting.  Ask your neighbor or best friend how things are going for them.  Reach out to a disconnected friendship.  Check on classmate or coworker.  Facebook someone you haven't heard from in a while.  Let someone, anyone, know that they're important.  Let them know you love them.  Remind them that you care.

To all of the students and alumni of Northeast, to all of Matthew's friends and family, and to the towns of Brown Summit and McLeansville, I know we will get through this together -- hang in there.  

"Today is one of those days that's reminded me that there are people in this world who are really suffering.  Whether it's problems big or small, they all matter and are important.  It's our job, as humans, to continuously show love to people.  It reveals all of my ugly selfishness and reminds me that my life doesn't revolve just around me.  It is so much more than that.  It's who we love and show compassion for that is important."  

-Chelsi Anderson

Matter of Opinion

I am gay.  I am married.  I do not support gay marriage.

Generally, I keep my political views to myself.  Now, bear with me because this blog post is not about politics, but you do need a bit of background information before we jump into this.  I learned early on in my relationship with Jordan that she is MUCH more liberal than I am.  Out of respect for one another, we keep our political commentary to a minimum and when we do discuss politics, it is calmly and respectfully -- without intent of changing one another's minds.  I voted for Obama and so did she.  That's no surprise, I'm sure.  However, Jordan voted for Obama because she likes him.  I voted for Obama because, in my opinion, he's the lesser of the two evils.  Now, I promised I wouldn't get too deep into the political realm, so let's get to the point.

This post is about ignorance.  For some reason, everyone thinks that all gays have the same left-winged political agenda.  This isn't true.  Let's take the biggest political issue in the LGBT community: gay marriage.

I believe in equal rights.  However, I believe that marriage is a religious institution.  Due to separation of church and state, I believe that each individual church should be allowed to decide whether or not to marry a couple, be it gay or straight.  If the church decides that they would like to marry gays, let them!  If they don't want to, don't ask them to!  I wouldn't want the church to be able to implement their ideas on to our government, so why should the government be able to mandate ideas to the church?  I believe that the standards of a civil union should be brought to par with the standards of a marriage in terms of tax breaks, benefits, etc.  I believe that all states should acknowledge the union between same sex couples in the same manner that they would a heterosexual couple and that the "hoops" you have to jump through to obtain same sex couple benefits should be minimized.  However, the actual concept of marriage is not something that I believe the government should be allowed to control.

Jordan's argument is that her union with me is a commitment to be with me forever, through thick and thin.  That union would be no different if we were "permitted" to be married or not.  So, why is there a stipulation that says "you can make a commitment to be together forever, but you can't make a legally binding commitment to be together forever."  Jordan believes that marriage has been reformed and is no longer merely a religious commitment.  She says "atheists get married, what's the difference?"

The point is, we both have different views.  We both have opinions.  Just because we're gay, doesn't mean we're both super liberal.  Now, if gay marriage were legal in NC, would I go to the courthouse and file the paperwork?  Absolutely.  But it would be purely for legality issues -- being able to change my name on public record, etc.  We are "married."  I don't need a church to confirm that for me.

So, as Obama's second term begins, keep your mind open.  Don't be so quick to judge and stereotype and group people together.  There are people who will surprise you.  And there are opinions of others that actually make sense.  Just listen and see where it gets you.

Fighting Tough Stuff

"Even if I can't fly, I'm not content to crawl."  -Nine Days

When talk of my blog comes about around people who don't read my blog, I am often asked, "what do you blog about?"  I never know how to answer this question.  Uh, my life?  No, not really.  I mean, those of you who read regularly do know quite a bit about my life as well as some of my deepest demons, but I wouldn't consider this a blog about my daily life.  Depression?  That's dreary isn't it?  When you say "I blog about depression" you get strange looks.  My blog isn't informative and it's not funny.  It's not necessarily a self-help blog and it also isn't a blog that's here to make a statement.  While I do hope that I am helping people and I do hope that there is a statement being made, that's not the point of this blog.  This blog is for me.  That's all.  So today, when explaining to a friend what my blog is about, this was my explanation:  "Remembering what happened in my past is what keeps here.  There's something about reminding yourself where you've been that pushes you not to go back -- it keeps you strong.  My blog is about my hospital stays.  How I got there, what happened while I was there, what happened after, where I am now, and how I stay healthy."

Today was a really bad day.  That's why I'm blogging.  This is something that helps me through -- it's a resource, a coping skill.  I utilize this blog to help me through difficult situations that may have had me on my death bed a year ago.  My job really got to me today -- I was pushed to my breaking point.  Fortunately, that same friend that I described my blog to today had kind words for me when I got to the edge: "Back away from the edge.  Take a deep breath and let it roll.  It's okay.  Over and done.  You do a really good job."  Hearing that got me through the end of the day.  Blogging about it is what brings me back tomorrow.  Knowing that I can take my stress and pain and leave it somewhere (that isn't my head) helps me relax.

So, to answer a frequently asked question, no, writing about my darkest days isn't unhealthy.  I don't feel as though I'm reliving pain...I feel as though I'm leaving it behind and healing for the future.  Being stable isn't easy for me -- this is most certainly a conscious decision.  Today, I could have given up.  A year ago, I would have.  But in this moment, I can say that I'm leaving this frustration right here.  I'm aware that when I go to work tomorrow, the stress won't be gone.  My job won't be any different.  The issues at hand will still stand, but I can confidently push through them.  I can maintain a positive attitude and genuinely tackle even the toughest of tasks.  Today, I was defeated.  That just means that tomorrow I will fight harder.  And I know that when I've fought my hardest and there's nothing left in me, there's an army of folks behind me ready to carry me to the finish line.

Today, my challenge to you is simple: get up off of your knees, loved one.  You can do this!  Today wasn't okay and tomorrow may not be either, but your pain is fleeting.  You have so much to live for.  There's a reason for your rescue.  Come back to life...and then tell someone how you did it!  Because remembering is okay.  It heals.

Why I Shouldn't Be Alive

Research shows that 19 out of 20 people that attempt to kill themselves will fail.  But the people who fail are 37 times more likely to succeed the second time.  Everything about my illness says I shouldn't be here, but I am. And I think I am for three reasons.  First, I've had excellent treatment.  A combined total of 34 days in the psychiatric wards of Moses Cone's Behavioral Health (3 times), Randolph Crisis Center, and Baptist Hospital.  Three daily medications and one "as needed" medication.  Weekly sessions with my therapist, Emily (for years).  Bi-weekly sessions with my medication manager, Dan.  Monthly appointments with my psychiatrist, Dr. Lugo.  A brief program of twice weekly appointments with Dr. Birma-Gainor.  And a 15 day intensive outpatient program at Moses Cone.  Second, I have many close friends and family members who know me and my illness.  These relationships have given my life meaning and depth.  They also help my navigate my life in the face of symptoms.  Third, I live a stimulating life.  I keep busy, regardless of how I'm feeling.  Occupying my mind with complex problems has been my most powerful and most reliable defense against my mental illness.  Even with all this, I did not make my illness public until September 2012.  The stigma against mental illness is so powerful that I didn't feel safe with people knowing.

After my first suicide attempt, assembling myself back into life was difficult.  I didn't want anyone to know, so I didn't tell anyone.  Those who didn't know, were curious as to where I had been.  But those who did know, weren't sure what to say, so they said nothing.  That furthered my isolation.  It wasn't until a year after my final suicide attempt that I was able to talk about my illness in any sort of public setting.  I acknowledged the journey that I have been on and made it a public issue for a reason, and that reason is this:  I knew that I needed to step out of my silence and past my fears to talk about an idea worth spreading -- and that is that people who have made the difficult choice to come back to life need more resources.  We need open arms and heavy hearts for people who are so depressed that life feels unlivable.  We need to talk about depression.  We need to talk about suicide.  It's a conversation worth having...there are lives worth saving.

I've shared my story publicly (if you're interested, click here).  I want everyone to know, the feedback I received after posting that first blog, was incredible.  I never expected so much love and support along with so little judgement.  I was so afraid of people knowing that I never entertained the idea of actually receiving support.  Perhaps the reason you aren't willing to take the first step is because you're scared.  I understand.  That is why I believe we need more resources that allow people, just like me, to safely share their stories.  We need more ambassadors for the mentally unstable.  We need people willing to reach out to those in pain...and we need to feel safe in doing so.  My one hope for this blog is to someday know that I've changed a life.  Even if it's just one.  I hope I can give someone the courage to talk about their mental illness and seek treatment by sharing my story.  Don't be afraid.  Asking for help makes you strong and courageous, not weak and unworthy.  

"The humanity we all share is more important than the mental illness we may not."  -Elyn Saks

Jane McGonigal

20 minutes of your day...but a life changing video.  She's so strong and inspiring!

Enough, Right Now

If you don't know what postsecret is, you should check it out!  Click here.

Anyway, I read a postsecret today that said: "All you are right now, in this moment, is enough."  I wrote a big long post about how much this means to be.  I explained how I spend each day trying to progress and move forward, but I never rest in how far I've come.  This statement has allowed me to spend some time just being proud and peaceful in the steps I've already taken.  It was a long post full of wisdom and wellness...but I'm not going to post it.  Instead, I'm going to let you meditate on it.  And I'll leave you with this:

Today, I remember we are broken creatures.

I remember our brokenness is not the end, that we can let the light through the cracks.

What Lies Within

"All reactions to external stimuli can be traced back to an evolutionary rationale.  You pull your hand away from fire to avoid physical harm.  You get butterflies before an important speech because the adrenaline running through your veins has caused a physiological fight-or-flight response. There is no evolutionary context within which people's response to music makes sense -- the tapping of a foot, the urge to sing along or get up and dance, there's just no survival benefit to these activities.  For this reason, some believe that our response to music is proof that there's more to us than just biological and physiological mechanics -- that the only way to be moved by the spirit, so to speak, is to have one in the first place."  -Jodi Picoult

Inevitably, every time I log in to Facebook, my news feeds are filled with updates on people's lives, photos of the previous day's events, random rants about work or other stressful situations, political opinions, and song lyrics.  That's right, song lyrics.  We've all done it and we've all seen it done.  Music speaks to us.  Music compels us to do or say things that we may otherwise not have the strength to do or say.  Music can make us feel confident and cheer us up.  It can also make us feel sad and solemn.  Jodi Picoult (along with hundreds of theologians) suggests that music also proves we have a soul.  The quote I've posted above explains that our instinctive actions all have a purpose: we do or don't do things to avoid harm.  For example, our natural instinct when we touch something hot is to pull away as to not get burned.  But when music comes on, our natural instinct to sing, dance, tap our feet, etc have no survival purpose.  There's no reason why we should naturally begin to move to the music.  The only explanation is that something within us craves the emotions that are provoked when music is played.  Thus, proving that we have a soul, a spirit, or SOMETHING unexplained within us.

You have a soul.  It's where you derive your courage, bravery, and confidence.  It's where we find the strength to fight.  So, if you've lost hope, believe in yourself again.  Because you were made for so much more than the mundane life you've been living.  You were born beautiful, smart and talented.  You were made to be different, extraordinary.  Wherever you are and whatever you're facing is nothing compared to the heart and soul that is within you.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine as children do.  It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  -Marianne Williamson

You have heart.  Go be fearless.

Something that Matters

Yesterday was a really cool experience.  Yesterday I went to Estee Lauder school for my first holiday forum.  I got to meet some "higher ups" in the company.  We got to try products that haven't been released to the public yet.  We were given lots of cool things and learned a lot about the direction the company is headed in for the holiday season.  I met other Lauder girls from the counters in my district.  Basically, I got paid to play with makeup and perfume with 20 girls that are just like me.  It was awesome.  I really do feel like I've found a place to thrive.  I don't love Hickory (where I live) and I definitely don't love Morganton (where I work), but I do love my job, my home, my co-workers, and my family.  Makeup isn't where I saw myself 5, 3, or even 1 year ago...but it's been good for me.  It's an outlet of creativity and a place where I can be myself.  Working for Lauder is inspiring -- the company, as a whole, has so much heart and energy.  I love it!

If I had been working for this company a year ago, I would hate my job.  I wouldn't hate my job because it's a bad job...I would hate it because I hated everything.  I'm not talking about a "strong dislike", I mean HATE.  I wasn't happy...I didn't want to be.  I didn't want to be.  Let me say it again, I didn't want to be happy.  This is where depression kills us: it takes away our will to the point where being happy isn't even something we hope to achieve ever again.  We live in a rut because that's what we think we're supposed to do.  We deny ourselves joy because we think we don't deserve it.  I've got news for you, YOU DO!  You deserve to love and flourish in the life you've been given.  You weren't meant to just "get by" by the skin on your teeth.  

"Mom" shared this picture with me today.  I really liked it -- really describes my life perfectly (:

We have to make a decision to live.  You can't expect to get better without doing anything.  You have to "believe that your life could be wonderful."  Allow yourself to enjoy things that are enjoyable.  Tell yourself you DO have time to smile today and that SOMETHING (be it big or small) is worth smiling about!  My therapist (Emily) is always really blunt with me -- we just have that type of relationship.  She said to me one time, "It's no wonder you're so depressed: I would be too, if I never tried anything that mattered."  Try something that matters...to you or to someone else!  Try being a good person or try laughing.  Try going to work or school and enjoying it!  Or you can try to be miserable...and your life will be miserable, at best.

The choice is yours.

Feels Like Home

I stumbled across this tonight.  It's my wedding vows:

Mary Oliver once asked "What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"  I've thought long and hard about this question and I've finally found the perfect answer- "who knows?!"  And I have decided that it's okay that the answer is unknown.  Because today I'm vowing to follow you into the unknown.  I vow to help you love life, and all of its mysteries and adventures.  I vow to prove that love exists even when you're sure it doesn't.  I vow to hold your hand and your heart as tightly as I can, even when you don't want me to.  I vow to stand by you, regardless of any reservations I may have.  I vow to keep you strong, through  the strength you've given me.  And, Jordan, I vow to remind you that you are truly loved for who you are...every day, for the rest of your life.  I love you.

I love my wife.  I truly do.  Most of the time people see us joking around and having a good time, but they never see the serious side of our relationship.  People wonder why we're together.  Well, we're smitten by one another.  We poke fun and we joke around, but she is the only person I trust with my heart.  I intend to spend the rest of my life with her...she is my perfect partner.  I love her so incredibly much.

Anyway, on to our wedding day...

I walked down the aisle to Chantal Kreviazuk's "Feels Like Home."  It was the perfect song for Jordan and myself, and our relationship as a whole.  Everything about that song is everything that I feel for Jordan and there's no other song I would have rather had played on my wedding day.  It was also a complete accident.  I had my playlist set out and all together and directions typed up for my DJ.  The family was supposed to walk in to Ron Pope's Perfect For Me.  Then my bridesmaids and groomsmen were supposed to walk in to Feels Like Home.  I was supposed to walk in to a traditional wedding song, Cannon in D.  However, somehow the family was escorted more quickly than planned and the bridesmaids and groomsmen shuffled in to the same Ron Pope song.  Feels like Home was next in the queue and the DJ didn't catch it before it was too late.  So, I walked.  I'm so glad I did!  Looking back on it, there's no way I would've chosen any other song to meet my wife at  the altar.

Embracing mistakes can be hard to do.  I could have gotten really upset about the situation and let it ruin my wedding day.  But I had put so much time, energy, and money into that day, that there wasn't much you could do to bring me down.  Sometimes, when things don't go as planned, they turn out better.  Sometimes, they don't.  The point is to not dwell on the times when mistakes bring about negative outcomes.  We all make mistakes and we all encounter people that make mistakes...it's inevitable.  Live your life despite your mistakes not in spite of them.

Rejection

"I'm not afraid, no, not to die...I'm afraid to live and not remember why."  -Envy on the Coast, Lapse

This is, quite possibly, my favorite line that Envy on the Coast has ever written.  It describes everything that is within me.  Throughout my attempts at death, life always beckoned me back.  I never wanted to die...I just never wanted to live a meaningless life.  I couldn't watch myself waste moments of other's lives.  I distinctly remember during my first panic attack screaming to Jordan, "You shouldn't have to live with me.  You shouldn't have to know me.  I'm bad for you.  I'll ruin your life."  I have no self-esteem.  I am an utter disappointment to myself.  I am also extraordinarily sensitive.  My sensitivity is something most never see.  I mask it behind sarcasm.  I actually take everything people say to and about me to heart.  

There was a particular instance that occurred revolving around my wedding.  There was a dear friend, whom I still care about, that created an uncomfortable situation for me.  I didn't know how to address it because this friend and I are a lot alike in terms of the way we perceive things.  If someone tells us what to do, we do the opposite.  We're strong and opinionated (she much more than I).  The situation went further than it should have.  It ended badly.  It ended with some of the most hurtful things that had ever been said to me.  As much as I attempted to brush it off, the situation still sticks with me.  I still think about those things that were said and I still wonder if that's what people really think about me.  I wonder if everyone sees me the way this person said in those texts.  It cut me deep -- it's something I probably won't ever really forget.  It also taught me a lot.

I learned that you can't depend on the words and actions of others to prove your value.  While the words of this individual hurt SO bad...what hurt worse was having to accept that all the kind words this person ever said to me also weren't true.  I realized that I rely too much on what other's think of me.  What happened to what I think of me?  There's a lot I don't like about myself.  There's also quite a few things that I do like about myself.  I can honestly say that for the majority of my life, I completely disregarded the most important opinion of who I am as a person: mine.  You don't have to live with me.  I don't have to live with you.  The only person you can never get away from is yourself.  So, shouldn't you like you?  Shouldn't you review yourself?  Shouldn't your opinion matter most?

"I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection." -Billy Joel

Don't Regret Regret

Earlier today I posted a video on my Facebook wall about regret. The video was of Kathryn Schulz expressing that we should not regret regret. The video struck a chord in me and I wanted to elaborate on some of her main points.

I think it's particularly painful for us now in the West in the grips of what I sometimes think of as a Control-Z culture -- Control-Z like the computer command, undo. We're incredibly used to not having to face life's hard realities, in a certain sense. We think we can throw money at the problem or throw technology at the problem -- we can undo and unfriend and unfollow. And the problem is that there are certain things that happen in life that we desperately want to change and we cannot. Sometimes instead of Control-Z, we actually have zero control. And for those of us who are control freaks and perfectionists -- and I know where of I speak -- this is really hard,because we want to do everything ourselves and we want to do it right.

There are things that we all want to go back in time to change, but what would changing them actually do? Cause more regrets? I assure you that if life were not filled with mistakes, we would not be shaped into the people that we are today. Life was meant for living...so why do we try to create a cookie cutter form of what our lives should look like, when the mystery that makes life great awaits us?

So how are we supposed to live with regret? I want to suggest that there's three things that help us to make our peace with regret. And the first of these is to take some comfort in its universality. If you Google regret and tattoo, you will get 11.5 million hits. The FDA estimates that of all the Americans who have tattoos, 17 percent of us regret getting them. That is Johnny Depp and me and our seven million friends. And that's just regret about tattoos. We are all in this together.

You are not alone in your regret. You are also justified in your regret -- it's okay to have it. It is not okay to wallow in it. Life in spite of your regret, don't drown yourself because of it.

The second way that we can help make our peace with regret is to laugh at ourselves. Now in my case, this really wasn't a problem, because it's actually very easy to laugh at yourself when you're 29 years old and you want your mommy because you don't like your new tattoo. But it might seem like a kind of cruel or glib suggestion when it comes to these more profound regrets. I don't think that's the case though. All of us who've experienced regret that contains real pain and real grief understand that humor and even black humor plays a crucial role in helping us survive. It connects the poles of our lives back together, the positive and the negative, and it sends a little current of life back into us. The third way that I think we can help make our peace with regret is through the passage of time, which, as we know, heals all wounds.

Sometimes we have to throw up our hands and allow ourselves to hurt in order to be able to move on. The passage of time heals. Allowing yourself to heal is a process, one that can't be completed in advance. We all have to heal at our own pace on our own terms.

Let me reassure you about something, some of your own regrets are also not as ugly as you think they are. The most important lesson regret can teach us is also one of the most important lessons life teaches us. And ironically, I think it's probably the single most important thing I possibly could have tattooed onto my body -- partly as a writer, but also just as a human being. Here's the thing, if we have goals and dreams, and we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don't want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn't to live without any regrets. The point is to not hate ourselves for having them. The lesson that I ultimately learned and that I want to leave you with today is this: We need to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn't remind us that we did badly. It reminds us that we know we can do better.

This last paragraph is really something that has resonated with me today, something that I hope I don't soon forget. The mistakes I've made and the trouble I've caused is all a part of where I am today. The woman that I've become and the woman that I will be -- the person that others see me as: it's all a part of my past. There are things I wish I'd done differently, but there are also things I beat myself up over that weren't nearly as detrimental as I thought they were. My goal each day is to better myself. My next step in making myself "whole" is going to be to accept the life I've established regardless of past regrets. Things that I wish I could change don't matter, because where I am now is what's important.

I didn't do badly, but I can do better... (:

Stones Taught Me To Fly

There's something that's been bothering me for almost a week now.  We have Eli in puppy training classes.  He's in a 6 week program and he attends every Thursday.  It's a group class (there are 5 dogs in the class), which we chose so that Eli could learn how to behave even among distractions.  Last week was "Week 2: Healthy Distractions and the Loose Leash Walk."  When we got to the "loose leash walk" we separated (each owner(s) with their respective dog) and practiced the walk with our own dogs.  Eli was tugging a lot at the leash and the trainer came by to give some guidance.  She addressed the tugging and I made a comment that it's hard for me to get on to him because he has so much emotion that he really looks hurt when you scold him.  She told me that I was anthropomorphising (attributing human characteristics to an animal) my dog.  Had the conversation ended there, I wouldn't have had an issue.  However, the conversation went on.  The trainer proceeded to inform me that I baby Eli too much and she thinks that the reason I do that is because I want children and my partner does not...so to compensate for what I'm missing out on, I treat my dog like a child.  I have QUITE a few issues with this statement.  First of all, my partner wants children as much as I do.  Actually, at times, I think she wants them more than I do.  Secondly, her reasoning for why I baby my dog is completely off base.

I got Eli this past February.  He was 6 weeks old and he was my Valentine's/Birthday present from Jordan.  I was no longer suicidal, but I definitely wasn't in a good place.  Eli gave me purpose again.  I had someone that depended on me to get out of bed every morning and come home every night.  I had someone to keep me company when I felt lonely.  Jordan and I had opposite schedules when I got Eli.  I left for school at 6:30 am Tuesday-Saturday and didn't return until 6:30 pm.  Jordan typically worked 4 pm-Midnight Tuesday-Sunday.  We slept in the same bed and spent time together on Mondays.  That was our life.  I was lonely.  Then I got Eli.  He kept me company and was "there for me" in times when I started to fall...in some strange way, I feel as though Eli saved my life.  My mom blogged yesterday: "I'm not sure if I needed Leah or if Leah needed me more.  I think we needed each other at this point in our lives."  That's how Eli was for me.  He needed someone to love and take care of him...and I needed someone to help me live again.

The thing that hurts me the most about our trainer's comment is that she said it without any regard to what the actual meaning behind me babying my dog is.  She assumed that she knew what I was feeling, and that's not right.  I'm a strong person - I can handle her saying whatever she wants to me.  But for someone who isn't out of their depression yet, or is possibly still suicidal, that may have sent them over the edge.  There were times when I know that comment would have cut me deeper than our trainer can imagine.  Taking away my perspective on the one thing that is consistently good in my life may have damaged me for life.

I do want children, but that's not why I treat my dog the way I do.  I'm overly protective because I don't know what I would do without him.  I kiss and love on him because sometimes I need extra love.  He sleeps in the bed with Jordan and myself because having him there is comforting.  And I do think he has emotions.  I don't have scientific evidence that my dog "feels"...but I know that he loves.  Isn't love a feeling?  He's responds to me better than anyone else -- doesn't that indicate some sort of emotional attachment to me?  It doesn't matter if Eli actually has feelings...it matters that I feel responsible for keeping him happy.  At one point, that responsibility kept me alive.  Now, that responsibility keeps me healthy.

I guess the reason I felt the need to blog about this experience is because we, as humans, often vocalize things that we shouldn't.  Keep your assumptions and negativity to yourself.  I don't have a sign or visible ailment that indicates that I have depression.  You don't write on your forehead that you're having a bad day.  Sometimes we need a kind word and all the world has to share with us is negativity.  A positive word, kindness, and compassion can go so far.

"Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.  Kindness in giving creates love."  -Lao Tzu

No Greater Love

"How vain is it to sit down and write, when you have not stood up to live?"  -Henry David Thoreau

I have three moms.

1. My birth mom:  She and I have had our ups and downs.  We've had periods where we didn't speak at all for months (maybe even years?) at a time.  We're very different, yet so much alike.
2. My step-mother:  Until I turned 18 and moved away, I thought she could do no wrong.  I realize now, I was naive.  Let's just say, in hard times, a person's true colors show.
3. My "mom":  This is who I want to talk about today.

I'm not sure at what point my math teacher became my mom.  When I had so many problems senior year, I'm not sure why she cared so much.  I also don't know why I trusted her so much.  In a time when I literally thought the entire world was against me, I still knew that she was on my side.  Even still, I never expected her to mean so much to me, or to take on the role that she has in my life.

Mom is probably the reason I went to the hospital the first time.  When I was having thoughts of suicide and worthlessness, she convinced me that it was okay to ask for help.  She also assured me that no one had to know.  She came to the hospital the second day I was there.  I was drugged up and passed out the whole time.  She never woke me up.  She just sat there, until she had to go.  And when I woke up, there was a note...and a math book (:  When I left the hospital, she's the first person I went to see.  Throughout every other hospitalization, she always came.  She was always there.  She also scolded me every time I did something stupid without calling her.  She gave me breaks when I truly needed them, but she also pushes me harder than anyone has before.  She sees my potential and makes me work to exceed it.  The closer we got, the more alike we realized we were.

The most comforting thing about my mom is that she doesn't judge me, regardless of what I do.  The choices I make are completely up to me, and she knows that.  She always says, "As long as you're happy, I support you."  She doesn't care who I date, where I go to school, what I choose to do with my life, etc...she just wants to know that what I'm doing is good for me and is making me happy.  She reminds me to take care of myself and to be rational in my decision making.  Mom is consistently supportive.  She's also a wake up call. She has no problem with "telling me straight."  If I'm doing something stupid, she'll say it.  If I need to get my life together, she'll tell me.  Sometimes, you need that.

My mom moved pretty far away about a month and a half ago.  My apartment is a constant reminder of her (she left behind couches, a lamp, decorations, and a set of paintings that I'm extremely attached to):  at first that was hard, now it's comforting to come home and know she's with me.  It's hard not to have her here, but she's setting a good example.  She walked away from the life people expected her to live to follow her dreams and  do something that she deems meaningful, something that will make HER happy.  I know it was a hard decision for her to make.  It's scary to move to a new country and start a new life alone.  I know that she misses home: her friends, family, and overall familiarity.  I also know that she loves it over there, and if it weren't for her limited access to Facebook, I don't know if we'd ever get here back over here (joking)!  She is SO brave.  Following what makes you happy when no one else understands why is really hard to do.  Stepping away from your comfort zone and into a world of adventure is something that many of us will never successfully do.  My mom is someone to be proud of!

So, mom, I miss you a lot!  I think about you every day, but I don't worry about you at all because I know that you're taking care of you-- that's what you've always taught me.  I'm proud of the adventure you've embarked on.  I'm proud of the journey you are taking.  I'm proud of the confidence you've gained throughout this experience and I'm proud of the difference you're making in the lives of you're students.  I'm proud of the example you've set for me.  I don't know when I'll see you again, but I know that you're never too far away.  I couldn't have asked for a better mom.  I love you.

Healing

"I laughed so hard and cried so hard and healed."  -Gianna Jessen

Parts of us are invested in to various areas of our lives that provide healing without us realizing it. When we laugh with a girlfriend, or cry on our mom's laps we open ourselves up to be vulnerable.  That vulnerability allows us to trust someone...that is healing.

I got an email this morning that said, "I love you.  I miss you.  Take care of you."  This person reads my blog and she's seen me in pain.  She's seen me at my best and worst.  She also knows that sometimes I get so busy with life that I forget to heal when things hurt me.  I forget to give myself time to show myself that I'm important.  I put what I want and need on the back burner when it comes to other things.  You do it too!  Perfect example: Monday was my day off from work.  I got a call around 3 asking if I could come close the store because one of my co-workers had gotten sick.  I was exhausted!  I didn't want to go to work.  I could have said no.  They would have managed without me.  But I said yes because that's what I "should do."  Sometimes we have to put aside what we "should do" to give ourselves what we need.  That two letter word can be so hard to say, "no."  Just try it.  "No, I have to take care of me today."

There's a fine line between taking care of yourself and spoiling yourself.  While it's alright to indulge sometimes, if it happens too often it becomes an unhealthy standard.  Learn how to love yourself and give yourself what you need without putting your responsibilities off on other people.

This year, I had to slowly rebuild myself from the ground up.  Living alone with Jordan gave me the space to heal.  It's taught me independence and how to rely on myself.  But that doesn't mean I've been alone.  If anything, I've seen just how many people I have supporting me.  More than any of that, this year has taught me to love myself.  I've never been confident in saying that before, and it's scary to admit I didn't feel that way, but it's true.  This year has been a year of ups and downs.  Realizing that this year only has two and a half months left, is mind blowing to me.  I've come so far from where I was.  I've also got so many steps ahead of me.

I want to challenge you to an early New Year's resolution.  Decide with me, to get ahead of the game and step out of your depression now...don't wait until January.  Take it slow, do the best you can.  Laugh, cry, love, hurt, and heal.  And know that there's a whole world full of support waiting with open arms to see you through.

Quick Update

Just a quick update:

Yesterday was much better and I'm feeling good today too.  I don't know when I'll have time to blog again, but I wanted everyone to know that I'm okay.  So, don't worry about me.  Little bumps in the road are just that, bumps in the road.  While they should not be ignored, there is also no reason to overreact.  My therapist says "minimizing the situation only makes it worse."  She also knows that maximizing it will do the same.  Anyway, I've got a very busy week ahead that includes a full work week and a very important birthday that I'll be driving home for on Friday, but intend to blog as soon as I get a chance. (:

I Still Relapse

Today was a really difficult day.  I spent much of the day laying on the couch crying.  Jordan managed to get me up around 5 pm.  I took a shower (sorta).  I didn't do my hair or makeup.  We ran two errands and I was exhausted.  I cooked dinner and then went right back to the couch.  About an hour later, we walked Eli.  Now, I'm back on the couch.  I have a really supportive wife -- she's done everything she can to make the day easier.  She didn't get angry when I said I couldn't run anymore errands.  She was patient and calm throughout the day.  She laid down with me for much of the day, but helped me get up when she felt it was "time."  She's always there for me when times are tough.

There's no particular reason why I'm so upset...at least, I haven't fully figured it out yet.  I'm feeling really lonely in Hickory.  It's hard to only know one person.  I also miss a certain someone that's moved to Bahrain.  She was always been there for me when I just need a break or someone to talk to.  I miss my sister too.  I'm exhausted too.  My new job is awesome, but it's much more stressful than any job I've ever had before.

The point is, I still relapse.  It's not always easy.  Depression  still gets the best of me sometimes.  And I often still need extra love and care.  I'm glad for the possibility of people reading this blog pausing to consider the matter of depression, but something in me says it's not enough.  And something in me says that if we're not careful, the heart of the matter gets lost in the language.  The words "suicide prevention" don't do it justice.  Because "it" is people.  Real people living real lives.  Real people struggling with real pain.  Sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, coworkers and friends - struggling to the point of believing that they can't do it anymore.  To the point of believing that it's too late for change, hope, or healing.

This blog is an attempt to remember that depression is more than an issue or a problem or a topic.  Depression is people.  And this blog is an invitation.  I'm asking people not to give up on their stories.  I'm asking people not to give up on their friends.  It is my belief that every single person is a living story, and it is my belief that every single story matters.  And if suicide is a story that ends too soon, Love Story is me hoping that people will stay alive to see their stories change.

We are all made for love and wonder.  Please stay alive.

Easy as One, Two, Tea!

"Life is not merely being alive, but being well."  -Teavana

When people talk to me about my blog, I often hear "I'm so glad you're doing better.  Things really seem to have turned around for you."  This is a bit of a misconception that I cannot ignore.  My situation isn't what has changed.  It's me.  My thoughts and attitudes are now geared around what will keep me healthy.  I take every day, one day at a time.  It's easy to do that when you've spent a year never knowing if you would be here tomorrow.  I think to myself everyday, "what do I need right now, to ensure that I feel healthy right now?"  Stability is a process...it is also a daily decision.  When that decision becomes hard to make, sometimes we need a break.

Finding a healthy habit is about as important to mental stability as having a counselor.  Finding something that's interesting to you, relaxes you, is affordable and healthy can often be a challenge.  Lots of people work out.  Working out definitely helps keep me healthy, but when I'm already depressed, I'm not motivated (at all!) to go to the gym.  Some people like to clean...that doesn't do anything for me.  My healthy habit is tea.  I love it.  I love looking at tea, shopping for tea, finding new teas to try, learning about tea, learning about ways to combine teas, the list goes on!  I love tea!  Tea for me, is relaxing and interesting.  I can go to the store and explore new flavors if I need a distraction.  I can sip some tea if I need relaxation.  If I'm feeling drained, I can brew some caffeinated tea.  If I can't sleep, I'll make a calming tea.  Tea is healthy and has lots of natural benefits for you mind and body.  Tea is also inexpensive (generally).  You can find it for around $2.  You can also "splurge" and buy a more expensive tea.  You can start small with just one mug and one type of tea to brew with just regular sugar to sweeten it.  You can work your way up to entire tea sets.  There's so much to love about tea!

Tea may not be for you.  But a distraction is.  This sounds like "avoidance" which sounds unhealthy.  That's not the case at all.  Distraction is actually a technique that you learn in therapy and it's really useful!  Sometimes, we need a break from our depression.  Sometimes, after feeling good for a while, you start to feel worn down from the burden of staying healthy...a distraction allows us to enjoy ourselves without precedent.

Healthy people are hopeful people and hope is key in dealing with depression.

Reach up, Reach out

I am a survivor.  I've never liked saying that.  Acknowledging it, admitting it.  In saying those four words, I have to own the fact that what happened, actually happened.  But as the one year mark of my final suicide attempt approaches, I think I'm finally ready to believe that I am a survivor.  There were days and moments that I never thought those words would be true.  Times when I wanted to give up and say, "I can't do this."  Times when I DID give up and say, "I can't do this."  In those moments, I really did feel that way.

I've spent months not living, just being alive.  I've spent months in hospitals, programs, units, and sessions around people, just like me, who aren't living.  I still struggle sometimes.  There are still days that I wonder how I made it through.  One year later, this is the most important thing I've learned...this is what gets me through the day:

You are living a story, and you should not give up on it.

You may not be ready to tell your story yet.  You may not even be ready to acknowledge the gravity of your situation yet.  But in honor of the story you are not yet able to tell, LIVE YOUR LIFE!  Make it worthy of being put in a book.  Maybe you aren't there yet?  That's okay too.  What can you do?  Ask for help.  Millions of people struggle with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.  The majority of those people never get the help they need and deserve.  What you do with your pain - how you respond to it - matters.  It's possible to change.  Remember the months I spent around people who aren't living?  I also saw those people take brave steps towards hope, help, and healing.  I've seen people sitting in group therapy for the first time, people stepping into treatment, and people calling a crisis hotline.  I've seen people pursue sobriety and stability.

Great help exists and the first step is often the hardest one to take.  If you're struggling, please talk to someone.  It's okay to ask for help.  People need other people.  It's not easy, but it will change your life.

Loving You

At work, I am a beauty adviser for Estee Lauder.  At home, I am a wife.  I run errands, cook, do laundry (Jordan and I do share this responsibility), and help with some of the cleaning.  I am also almost always the "driver."  To my dog, I am mom.  I take him on walks.  I'm the one he wants when he's hurt or doesn't feel well.  I put him to bed each night.  And I take him to puppy training classes on Thursdays.  Don't get me wrong, Jordan spends time with Eli too...but I'm the one he won't go anywhere without.  I have so many other roles in this world...these are just a few.  And we wonder how we get burnt out!  How do we "find ourselves" amongst all of the roles society has created for us?

When I started this blog, I had no idea people would read it.  That sounds silly.  Why would I write something and post it on a public forum without expecting anyone to read it?  Well, it's unfathomable to me that someone actually wants to know about my life.  Why, of all the things you could be doing, are you reading this blog??  Do I want you to read it?  Absolutely!  I'm amazed by how much support I've received...but I never expected it.  This blog is a form of release for me.  This is a way for me to get my thoughts straight and maybe even help you get your thoughts straight.  It's relaxing.  I get excited about writing something new.  This is my "me" time.

We all need to treat ourselves right.  That sounds obvious, but how often do you actually do it?  How frequently do you allow yourself to just relax one night.  When is the last time you hired a babysitter so that you could go out without your children or stay home for a quiet night alone?  Do you show yourself that you love yourself?

Today, I am getting a massage before work.  It's not something I do frequently, but sometimes you deserve a treat.  I've been working really hard.  Over the course of this year, I've planned a wedding, moved twice, got married, got a dog, lost loved ones, and SO many other life events.  We're approaching October.  Today, I get to treat myself.  You don't have to go to the spa once a month.  It doesn't have to be a grand vacation.  Just do something quiet.  Take time to read a book that doesn't relate to school or work.  Have a sleepover with a good friend.  Spend a full day watching movies in your pajamas.  Just allow yourself to feel relaxed and special.  No one knows what you need more than you do.

Show yourself, that you love yourself.