Why I Shouldn't Be Alive

Research shows that 19 out of 20 people that attempt to kill themselves will fail.  But the people who fail are 37 times more likely to succeed the second time.  Everything about my illness says I shouldn't be here, but I am. And I think I am for three reasons.  First, I've had excellent treatment.  A combined total of 34 days in the psychiatric wards of Moses Cone's Behavioral Health (3 times), Randolph Crisis Center, and Baptist Hospital.  Three daily medications and one "as needed" medication.  Weekly sessions with my therapist, Emily (for years).  Bi-weekly sessions with my medication manager, Dan.  Monthly appointments with my psychiatrist, Dr. Lugo.  A brief program of twice weekly appointments with Dr. Birma-Gainor.  And a 15 day intensive outpatient program at Moses Cone.  Second, I have many close friends and family members who know me and my illness.  These relationships have given my life meaning and depth.  They also help my navigate my life in the face of symptoms.  Third, I live a stimulating life.  I keep busy, regardless of how I'm feeling.  Occupying my mind with complex problems has been my most powerful and most reliable defense against my mental illness.  Even with all this, I did not make my illness public until September 2012.  The stigma against mental illness is so powerful that I didn't feel safe with people knowing.

After my first suicide attempt, assembling myself back into life was difficult.  I didn't want anyone to know, so I didn't tell anyone.  Those who didn't know, were curious as to where I had been.  But those who did know, weren't sure what to say, so they said nothing.  That furthered my isolation.  It wasn't until a year after my final suicide attempt that I was able to talk about my illness in any sort of public setting.  I acknowledged the journey that I have been on and made it a public issue for a reason, and that reason is this:  I knew that I needed to step out of my silence and past my fears to talk about an idea worth spreading -- and that is that people who have made the difficult choice to come back to life need more resources.  We need open arms and heavy hearts for people who are so depressed that life feels unlivable.  We need to talk about depression.  We need to talk about suicide.  It's a conversation worth having...there are lives worth saving.

I've shared my story publicly (if you're interested, click here).  I want everyone to know, the feedback I received after posting that first blog, was incredible.  I never expected so much love and support along with so little judgement.  I was so afraid of people knowing that I never entertained the idea of actually receiving support.  Perhaps the reason you aren't willing to take the first step is because you're scared.  I understand.  That is why I believe we need more resources that allow people, just like me, to safely share their stories.  We need more ambassadors for the mentally unstable.  We need people willing to reach out to those in pain...and we need to feel safe in doing so.  My one hope for this blog is to someday know that I've changed a life.  Even if it's just one.  I hope I can give someone the courage to talk about their mental illness and seek treatment by sharing my story.  Don't be afraid.  Asking for help makes you strong and courageous, not weak and unworthy.  

"The humanity we all share is more important than the mental illness we may not."  -Elyn Saks