Saturday, December 22, 2012

Christmas is for Teaching

"Christmas... that magic blanket that wraps itself around us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance.  It may weave a spell of nostalgia.  Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but it will always be a day of remembrance -- a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved."  -Augusta E. Rundel

Earlier this week, I was doing a makeover on a woman and she and I started talking about the holidays.  When she left, she told me to have a Merry Christmas and I returned the sentiment.  Someone nearby commented that she was offended by my response.  She said that I should not say "Merry Christmas" but rather "Happy Holidays."  (For the record, I don't normally wish anyone a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday at work, but if they give their sentiments, I always return the favor.)  I was having lunch with my good friend, A'lyssa, the next day and telling her about this woman that was genuinely upset over me wishing this woman a Merry Christmas.  We started talking about religion and holidays and the meaning of it all...this is the overview of our holiday conversation (:

In general, Christmas seems to have lost it's meaning, which is so heartbreaking.  Jordan and I both agree that there is a reason for the season, however, we don't think that giving gifts is the proper way to celebrate that "reason."  Even still, we do give each other and friends and family Christmas presents.  The reason is, we think Christmas is a great time to teach lessons.  When we have children, we hope to use Christmas as a time to teach the gift of giving, responsibility with budgeting, and understanding that sometimes we have to choose between two things that we really want.

Obviously, the gift of giving is simple.  They'll learn that giving to others makes you feel good.  They'll learn that there are many less fortunate and that they should share what they've been given with those around them.  However, in order to allow someone to experience the gift of giving, you yourself have to be willing to receive.  This is another lesson they will learn -- how to be humble in receiving.  Our Children will be given a set dollar amount for how much they can spend on Christmas gifts as a whole.  We will sit down with them and teach them how to budget to get the perfect gift for everyone on their lists without spending beyond their means.  We believe that starting these lessons young, will make them more financially responsible as they grow older.  While making their Christmas lists, they'll know how much we're able to spend on each child.  This may mean that they have to choose between two gifts that they really want.  Decision making is a trait that we want to develop early.  Knowing that they can't have EVERYTHING at a young age, in our opinion, will make them more likely to make wise decisions on what they do and don't need when they're older.

While we will do fun things and Christmas will be a fun event in our household, we will use it as a time of teaching.  Being together and sharing time and joy with one another will be something that I hope is a daily event in our home...but learning the lessons of Christmas will be something I look forward to every year.

On a similar note, I'd like to take the time to acknowledge two people who have given me an awesome Christmas present.  Veronica (@VeronicaLeeAn) and Nancy (@RillitoRigata) have tweeted some of the kindest words I've ever heard this holiday season.  These two ladies have been so amazingly encouraging and supportive.  It's amazing to me that someone I've never even met can reach out and really relate to my story and provide strength, unity, and encouragement.  Thank you ladies so much!  Jordan and I hope your holiday seasons are filled with love and joy.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Ambitious

"Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it.  Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there.  And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive.  But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent."  -George Jung

I've spent my whole life trying to do great things.  I want to be known for something.  I want someone to notice the time and energy I put into being a good person.  I want someone to acknowledge the people I've tried to help and the initiative I've tried to take.  I want people to think my blog is worth reading because I feel like I have something worth saying.  I want people to understand me.  I want to be noticed, not forgotten.  I want to actually make a difference in the world and not just talk about it.  We all do.  We all want to feel like our lives mattered.  The truth is, waiting for someone to recognize your life matters, isn't going to make your life matter.  We all do great things, some just seemingly go unnoticed, and that's okay.

I like tattoos.  A lot.  I feel as though they are a way to express myself and keep a piece of my story alive throughout the years.  It's a way to have your own private legacy.  I also feel as though it's a way to share a piece of myself wherever I go.  I have a chest piece and more than once a day, someone asks what it says.  "And though she be but little she is fierce."  The response is more often than not, "that's beautiful, where is it from?"  Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream.  But THEN I get to say how it reminds me that no matter how insignificant I feel, I am strong and I am important.  That's an important message to share.  You are strong.  You are important.  And I get to tell someone that every single day.  Sometimes they ask what other tattoos I have and what they mean.  Sometimes they don't.  But regardless, they've heard something that mattered, something that is important for me to share with the world.  I don't care that it may not impact them or change their life.  I care that they know.  That they've heard it.  Because one day, there will be someone that is really changed by hearing that and that makes my voice heard.

The truth is, everyone has done something that matters...and you may feel like that something was forgotten years ago and will never be thought of again, but that's not the truth.  Your "something that mattered" will be remembered forever by the person you've affected.  You may not have made the news or had a book written about you.  Your story was never mentioned on Ellen or Oprah or Tyra.  But what you did mattered.  Because the person you helped remembers.  You've done great things.  You will do more great things.  Maybe you should have been recognized, but that shouldn't stop you from doing more great things!

On a side note, I have 6 incredibly awesome tattoos.  Check out the people that did my work -- I know they would all love to do your next tattoo!  Clicking on the name will send you to the link:
Allyson Johnson - Columbia, SC
Shane Gauldin - Archdale, NC
Doug York - Mebane, NC

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Broken Communication Held Us Together

In 9 days, I will be sharing my 3rd Christmas with Jordan Poole...this is our first Christmas as a married couple.  It's amazing to see how far we've come.  I stumbled upon something this week that's reminded me of our first few months together.  Jordan's blog.  If you read my coming out story, you know that we weren't allowed to see or speak to each other for a full month before I turned 18.  Well, we did communicate.  To this day, I don't think anyone knows how we did.  So, here it is.

Because we worked across the street from each other, we were in pretty close vicinity.  When I got to work everyday, I looked to see if her car was in the parking lot.  My parents would randomly show up at work or have someone they knew drop in and check on me, so I knew better than to walk into Moe's myself.  So, if her car was in the parking lot, I would find someone at work that was either getting off or going to lunch and ask them to take a note to Moe's for me.  They would take my note to her and she would send one back in exchange for one of us paying for that person's food.  However, Jordan was in college about an hour and a half away, so she was only in town on the weekends.  So, during the week, she would blog.  It was never anything written directly to me, but always about me.  She made sure that she gave me something to hold on to each week.  I would check it every single day, even though I knew she wouldn't be able to post every day.  I was waiting to hear something, anything...but more importantly, I was waiting to know that she was still in this with me.  Her blogs would be written in the form of poems and it was done very anonymously so that if my parents ever saw it, they wouldn't be able to tie it back to her directly.  Obviously, they would know.  But they wouldn't be able to prove it.  Sometimes, all I would get was something like this: You're on My Mind.  But More often than not, it would be more like this: Just Within Our Reach.

We were smart about it.  I made sure I trusted whoever I sent from Old Navy to Moe's.  I erased the links from my computer history after I check the blog.  I only looked at the blog from home when no one was there or from school.  It's crazy to me how we've gone from having to communicate in secret to a married couple with a normal life.  I must say, it was hard to hang on to something you never had proof of.  But it ripped my heart out to imagine her not being there with me.  I don't know how or why I loved Jordan so much so soon.  I can honestly say, I still feel the same way about her.  Love at first sight doesn't even come close to what I felt for her...what I still feel for her.  She put up with so much to be with me.  I don't know why.  We both gave up so much.  It would've been much easier for either of us to walk away...but we wouldn't be able to forget what we felt for each other.  That's what held us together.  I would do it all again tomorrow if it meant I got to spend the rest of my life with the woman I love.

From when we first met...

 To now...



We've been in this together.  We've fought long and hard for one another.  And approaching our 3rd Christmas, I'm giving myself time to enjoy what we have.  I'm thankful for who we are as a couple.  I'm thankful for who we are as individuals and what we both bring to our relationship.  We make each other stronger and we use that strength to do good for each other and those around us.  I'm proud of me, her, and us.  Two Christmases ago, I got the love of my life.  Here's to 80 more Christmases!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My Coming Out Story

Up until the summer before my senior year of high school, I was the most conservative person you could imagine.  Looking back on my life, I'm embarrassed at how judgmental I was.  I was against all things liberal and wasn't even interested in hearing an opposing argument to my beliefs.  What I believed was the only thing that mattered to me.  I'm not proud of that person.  However, there are many people that would say "she used to be such a good girl."  You see, the town I grew up in, this sort of closed minded thinking was appropriate and widely accepted.  It wasn't just me -- most of those around me went to the same churches and held the same beliefs.  It was cool to proclaim to be a Christian in my high school.  I'm not saying that everyone lived like they were "followers of Christ," but many people did profess their faith openly.  It was probably more unheard of to hear that someone didn't believe in God than to hear that someone did.  What can I say, we were the products of our raising: small, southern, conservative town.  I was more extreme than most, but I definitely wasn't the most extreme.

The summer before my senior year, I came out to my parents.  It was a total accident.  I didn't want to tell them.  My step-mom was the first to know.  She noticed I was getting particularly close to a homosexual co-worker.  She started poking around in my life.  Eventually we got into an argument about spending time with the aforementioned co-worker and it just came out.  It wasn't planned.  It wasn't a conversation.  I never got the opportunity to tell my father -- my step-mom handled that for me.  They acknowledged it for a few days and then they decided that "I wasn't actually gay."  Then I started talking about a girl that I was attracted to.  Again, it was brushed off and never really discussed.  I told my mom the weekend after my brother's college graduation.  She was devastated.  I didn't hear from her for months after I told her.  

After my parents knew, my feelings were kept very private.  It wasn't until I met Jordan that I began to open up about my feelings towards women again.  I met Jordan in December of my senior year of high school.  She worked at Moe's and I worked at Old Navy in Burlington, NC.  If you aren't familiar with the area, Moe's is directly across from Old Navy and it's one of two reasonably priced, non-fast food places to eat in that shopping center.  Naturally, I ate there frequently because it was quick, cheap, and I could walk instead of driving, which meant I didn't have to find a parking spot when I came back from my break.  Jordan and I met at Moe's.  To make a long story short, I ate there every day for a week and when she didn't get the hint I asked her out on a date.  By "asked her out on a date," I mean I told her that she was taking me on a date the next day.  I told her the time and place...and she showed up (:  We joke that she's been doing what I say ever since.

When Jordan came into my life is when everything changed.  My parents didn't take kindly to her.  They would call her and harass her.  They held an intervention in which they called her and said awful things about me to her and attempted to convince her that she didn't want to date me.  They also held interventions on my end, telling me that I couldn't see her.  We weren't allowed to see each other.  We weren't allowed to talk to each other.  We had no means of communication.  For one full month, I had no idea if she was even alive.  Eventually, my parents invited Jordan to dinner with them.  By invited, I mean they said "it would be in your best interest to have dinner with us."  We went to Elizabeth's Pizza.  My parents were equipped with a list of questions for Jordan and myself to answer and they tried their damnedest to make us hate one another.  After the dinner ended, they drove me to a psychiatric hospital and tried to have me committed.   The doctor told them that there wasn't anything wrong with me -- that doctor gave me the strength to make it through the next few months.  With everyone around me pushing so much negativity my way and telling me how awful I was, having someone with a medical degree say there's nothing wrong with me allowed me to hold on to the person I knew I was.

As my 18th birthday approached, I knew I would be faced with even harder times.  I turned 18 on March 1st and I was forced to choose between my family and Jordan.  I chose Jordan.  This may seem crazy.  I had only known her 3 months.  I know.  But to me, choosing Jordan wasn't choosing her forever (at least not at the time) - it was choosing to stand up for myself.  It was choosing to live my life as a free, happy, GAY woman.  It was acknowledging that I could never be myself at home and to be happy, I needed the freedom to be me.  

That week was the hardest week of my life.  I lost my family, my home, my job, and my sanity all at once.  I had nothing.  For the following two weeks I received threatening emails and phone calls from various people.  My father attempted to have me arrested for theft because his garage door opener was in my car when I left.   My parents were calling my school to find out where I was.  It was a really stressful time.  It was hard. Eventually, things cooled off.  The situation diffused itself a little bit.  About a month later, I got an email inviting me to dinner and asking "do you have the balls to face us again?"  I ceased contact with them altogether.  

So, where are we now?  Well, my dad and step mom didn't attend my high school graduation, my wedding, or have any part in my life whatsoever.  Every so often, I'll hear from them.  I'll get a text (maybe) once every three months.  They aren't involved in my life and I've come to terms with that.  My mother and I have begun to talk on a regular basis.  She attended my high school graduation.  She was not at my wedding.  But we do speak on the phone.  She knows where I live.  She's been to Hickory some.  She has even begun to see Jordan for short periods of time.  She acknowledges that Jordan is a part of my life and that she's very important to me.  

My story of coming out is not a story of success.  It doesn't seem to have much of a happy ending.  I left behind a lot of my old life.  I lost a lot.  However, I AM HAPPY.  My story was a long, hard road, but it's brought me to a wonderful place.  I get to wake up every morning next to the woman I love.  I'm so happy with where I am today.  I can't fathom anyone being more in love than we are.  Jordan is SO good to me.  She loves me much more than I deserve.  I guess, the point of me sharing this part of my story is because many people are so scared of coming out.  They don't know where their journey will take them.  I'm here to say that it is really hard, but stand your ground and fight your fight because it is the most worthwhile thing I've ever done with my life.  The struggle will be worth it.  You will find true joy at the end of the road.  Don't settle for second best when the love of your life is staring you straight in the eyes.  

"No great love ever came with out a great struggle."

"You're Only as Sick as Your Secrets"

Photo from Postsecret.
This photo struck a chord in me.  "Free your secrets and become who you are."  Do my secrets really prohibit me from becoming myself?  The more I think about it, the more I agree with the statement. When you're holding something deep within yourself, you aren't really you.  What secrets are you hiding?  I'm sure many of them are full of hurt and pain.  Sorrow, grief, and loss.  Mourning.  What have you been through that you're too scared to say out loud.  And why can't you let go of it?  That, to me, is the biggest sign that secrets prohibit us from being ourselves: we can't let go of them.  If we could, they wouldn't be secrets.  The fact that we feel the need to hold on to these things -- to rehash and relive these instances -- this shows me that they stick with us for a reason and that reason may be prohibiting us from living our lives to the fullest.

"If we knew each other's secrets, what comfort we should find."  - John Churton Collins

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

When She Cries

"I don't know if it's possible to define a point where a friendship begins.  There is no clear threshold -- but there is proof that someone has crossed it.  A friend is a story-bearer, one who lives so that the life of their friend may be known to everyone they meet.  Even the most selfish among us, if they have a friend, will melt in a moment's notice at the heartbreak of a loved one.  The meek will dig to find their loudest voice on behalf of someone they hold dear."

Friendship at times can be painful and sleepless, but its never a chore.  Friendship assures that our screams and questions will never go unnoticed.  Friendship knows that piecing together questions and lives is an honor.

Friends exist to help us remember how to walk after we've fallen to our knees.

Maybe you or someone around you needs a friend today.


Thursday, December 6, 2012

Rest Easy Now

Most nights, I have a hard time sleeping.  It's a lot better than it used to be.  There was a point in time where I would go weeks never sleeping more than an hour a night.  I would be exhausted and run down and suffered from other physical and psychological effects from the lack of sleep.  Now, my insomnia is under control, for the most part.  I have a routine and things I can do to help me wind down.  I also have medications.  When all else fails, I have wine.  On a good night, I can sleep a full 7-8 hours.  On a bad night, I won't sleep at all.  But on average, I can sleep about 5 hours a night (only waking up once), which is incredible considering where I started.  Generally, I don't sleep more than 3 hours without waking up, but since my insomnia has been under control, I've been able to fall back asleep in about 5-15 minutes.  For me, waking up in the middle of the night is normal and it doesn't bother me.  I've come to accept the fact that my body needs to assure that everything is okay before it can rest again.

Sometimes life is like that.  We have to keep a check on everything and make sure it is okay before we can rest.  The problem is, most of the time, we forget to rest again.  We keep a check on our best friend and co workers.  We make sure the office isn't burning down and all of our school work is together.  We check on our brothers and sisters and other family members to make sure no one's killed anyone yet.  We attend baby showers and weddings and birthdays and holiday gatherings.  We attend funerals and meetings, which can sometimes feel like the same thing.  We check on our pets and our emails.  We have to check phone calls and emails and Facebook and Twitter.  When do you check on you?  When do you rest?  Don't forget to rest.

Today, I was overwhelmed.  We had a very expensive emergency occur.  I spent the day checking on bills and the emergency and making sure that all the correct amounts of money were in all of the correct places.  It wasn't even 10 am before I lost it this morning.  The tears came fast and hard.  I decided to rest.  From 10-10:30 I cried.  Then from 10:30-12, I rested.  I didn't overdo it.  I didn't spend the whole day laying in bed or on the couch.  But I gave myself time to calm down and allow my body some relief.  After relaxing, I got up and went on with my day.  I still had to deal with the reality that we have a problem that needs fixing.  I still had to face the issue at hand, but giving myself time to rest gave me the strength and energy to address my problem and look at it calmly.

Resting doesn't solve anything for you.  It just helps you maintain stability.  Jordan and I still haven't figured out exactly how to handle everything right now.  We don't have all of the answers that we crave.  I'm not at peace.  But I am calm.

Give your body a break.  Give your heart some love.  Don't expect resting to fix you, but allow it to help you, boost you.  At the end of the day, you may be no better off than you were at the beginning, but it won't make things worse.  So, what do you have to lose?

"Each of us deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares that will not withdraw from us."  -Maya Angelou

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Nothing Hurts More Than Hurt

"Scream out loud until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal
And those that know you most
Can help you live again
So keep them close
As you're making your new start.
At least we live tonight."
- Steven McMorran, Ring the Bells

I heard this song this week and instantly burst into tears.  It's been a rough week for me.  I've pushed through it well and haven't had any "bad" days...but as holidays approach, my heart feels heavier and heavier each day.  I'm anxious for life to return to a more relaxed pace.  But this song brought me to a place of peace in the midst of a rough day.  "At least we live tonight."  Wow, could I say it any better?  This time last year, no one thought I would make it to 2012.  Now, we're approaching 2013!  This time last year, I couldn't see past the next day...now I talk about where I want to be when I'm 25? Or 30?  I can realistically picture growing old -- something I hadn't even considered just 12 short months ago.  This week was hard, but I'm alive.  That's all I need to be.  We don't always have it in us to be "happy" or even "okay."  Can we acknowledge that alive is enough sometimes?

"When Facebook asks how you're doing and you don't want to tell anyone because that means that they would really know what you're like... :/"
-Sarah May

The pain I felt when I read this.  I know this young lady very well.  Well, I should say I knew her very well.  We've fallen apart as my life has progressed and moved forward.  But she is someone that I continuously think about and worry for.  I put this quote on here to show that those around us do need love and security.  As we move forward, we have to acknowledge the pain of others.  My heart breaks when I think about those around me who feel what I've felt.  Who hurt like I've hurt.  Once you've been there and encounter darkness like this, your heart becomes heavy for those around you.  To Sarah, and everyone like Sarah, hang in there.  At least you live tonight.  Believe in you.  Believe that hope exists and that rescue is possible.  And just try.  All you can do is try.  Try to smile, to laugh, to feel...and when you can't, just try to breathe.

"How much you hate me doesn't even skim the surface of how much I hate myself.  My own darkness is far greater than the identity you've placed upon me."
-Keltie Colleen

I know this third quote is harsh, but when I read this, I really resonated with it.  My biggest struggle to this day is how much I dislike myself.  I'm sure there are plenty of people in this world that I've hurt.  There are plenty of people that hate me.  But trust me, it's no where near how I feel about myself.  We all have a darkness inside -- something that we just don't like about ourselves.  But when the somethings that we don't like outweigh the somethings that we do like, we have a problem.  I loathe myself.  I work with myself every day to accept me.  Sometimes, I like myself more than others.  Sometimes, I don't know why anyone would want to be around me.  I guess, what pushes me to think better and be better, is that loving myself is something that only I can do for me.  Jordan can't love me for me...she can love me, but she can't make me love me.  It's also the key to moving forward from depression.  You can't heal you, unless you decide you're worth healing.  You are.

Step out of your darkness.  Or try to.  Or be alive tonight.  And if you need help, ask for it.  Or try to.  Hope is real.  Rescue is possible.  And your dreams can be far greater than your fears.  You are a life worth saving.  Just, please stay alive.