"Scream out loud until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal
And those that know you most
Can help you live again
So keep them close
As you're making your new start.
At least we live tonight."
- Steven McMorran, Ring the Bells
I heard this song this week and instantly burst into tears. It's been a rough week for me. I've pushed through it well and haven't had any "bad" days...but as holidays approach, my heart feels heavier and heavier each day. I'm anxious for life to return to a more relaxed pace. But this song brought me to a place of peace in the midst of a rough day. "At least we live tonight." Wow, could I say it any better? This time last year, no one thought I would make it to 2012. Now, we're approaching 2013! This time last year, I couldn't see past the next day...now I talk about where I want to be when I'm 25? Or 30? I can realistically picture growing old -- something I hadn't even considered just 12 short months ago. This week was hard, but I'm alive. That's all I need to be. We don't always have it in us to be "happy" or even "okay." Can we acknowledge that alive is enough sometimes?
"When Facebook asks how you're doing and you don't want to tell anyone because that means that they would really know what you're like... :/"
-Sarah May
The pain I felt when I read this. I know this young lady very well. Well, I should say I knew her very well. We've fallen apart as my life has progressed and moved forward. But she is someone that I continuously think about and worry for. I put this quote on here to show that those around us do need love and security. As we move forward, we have to acknowledge the pain of others. My heart breaks when I think about those around me who feel what I've felt. Who hurt like I've hurt. Once you've been there and encounter darkness like this, your heart becomes heavy for those around you. To Sarah, and everyone like Sarah, hang in there. At least you live tonight. Believe in you. Believe that hope exists and that rescue is possible. And just try. All you can do is try. Try to smile, to laugh, to feel...and when you can't, just try to breathe.
"How much you hate me doesn't even skim the surface of how much I hate myself. My own darkness is far greater than the identity you've placed upon me."
-Keltie Colleen
I know this third quote is harsh, but when I read this, I really resonated with it. My biggest struggle to this day is how much I dislike myself. I'm sure there are plenty of people in this world that I've hurt. There are plenty of people that hate me. But trust me, it's no where near how I feel about myself. We all have a darkness inside -- something that we just don't like about ourselves. But when the somethings that we don't like outweigh the somethings that we do like, we have a problem. I loathe myself. I work with myself every day to accept me. Sometimes, I like myself more than others. Sometimes, I don't know why anyone would want to be around me. I guess, what pushes me to think better and be better, is that loving myself is something that only I can do for me. Jordan can't love me for me...she can love me, but she can't make me love me. It's also the key to moving forward from depression. You can't heal you, unless you decide you're worth healing. You are.
Step out of your darkness. Or try to. Or be alive tonight. And if you need help, ask for it. Or try to. Hope is real. Rescue is possible. And your dreams can be far greater than your fears. You are a life worth saving. Just, please stay alive.
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