Recovery Update: Counting Down, Not Up!

"Follow all that excites your soul." -SC

Recommendation written 10/20/2015

There comes a point in recovery where you've gained all you can gain from a treatment center.  I'm not sure if I'm at that point, but my team says this feeling is normal.  My team says I'm ready.  I'm coming home on October 28 and I'm... terrified.  I have a lot of emotions.  I'm excited.  I'm pumped.  I know I'm as ready as I could possibly be.  However, leaving the cushy world of ERC where I know even when bad things happen I'm completely supported - that's scary.  But, don't worry.  I'm transitioning to a lower level of care.  I'll be home for about 5 days.  Just long enough for me to try my hardest and room for a little error.  Time for me to find my strengths, find my weaknesses, and see room for growth.  Then, I'll head to Wilmington, NC to begin the next stage of treatment which will be about 1/3 of the care that I receive now.  It's going to be good.  I know I can do it.  I also know that when I struggle, I will have a lot of support behind me.

I'm very excited to see friends and family and reconnect with people I've been away from for almost two months.  I'm also excited to share meals with people and remember how exciting that can be.  It's been a long time since walking into a restaurant felt okay (still not natural, but we're getting there).  My brain is coming back - I can have conversations without spacing out, losing my train of thought, or feeling utterly confused.  I don't repeat myself 4 times and get frustrated when people aren't understanding what I'm trying to say.  It's a life I once had and a life I'm coming back to.  I'm excited for it.  I'm motivated to achieve it.

Switching gears slightly, the quote at the top was from a goodbye card that I received from someone I met at Eating Recovery Center.  She's one of the most amazing people I've met along this journey - truly a beautiful soul.  The words have really hit me.  Follow all that excites your soul... wow.  Maybe read that again and let it sink in.  She didn't say to only follow what excites you, because we all have responsibilities that we'd rather not deal with.  But we are directed to follow everything that excites us.  What if we lived in a world where we pursued everything we thought was good, happy, or well?  Would we be living in wellness?  I love it.

So, in 4 days I'll be in North Carolina.  But there's plenty of challenges to be faced before I make it there.  This morning I have a breakfast challenge (Panera).  Tomorrow I will be cooking dinner.  And Wednesday I have to do an entire day worth of meals and snacks on my own (good vibes and happy text messages accepted that day).  

Here's to 4 more days with ERC, but a lifetime of moving towards recovery.

Update: Recovery Day 19

"We are going to have to let the truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us." -Beth Moore

I thought this process was hard from the minute I walked through the door, but this week it was fucking brutal.  There was no amount of success that could conquer the demons and challenges that seemed to overtake my world.  There were at least 50 times that I wanted to quit: sign a 72 hour (or maybe not), discharge, and go home.  But it wasn't home that I wanted to go back to - it was my eating disorder and the comfort of control.  Instead of running, I am fighting.  Because the next time I go home, I want to return a whole person, not just pieces of a body that I've destroyed for a peace of mind I'll never find inside of destructive behaviors.

For this update, I want to give you a little insight into my world in treatment.  A little bit of the good and a little bit of the bad.  So, here's a few of the challenges and successes from the week.

I took my first snack pass.  I went with a peer to a smoothie bar in Colorado.  The woman who helped us was overly helpful to a fault.  She pointed out where the caloric value was on the menu, which smoothies had more protein than others, etc.  However, I was able to stick to my meal plan and order what my dietitian and I had discussed in advance.  About 3/4 of the way through the smoothie, I felt overly full and wasn't willing to finish the snack, my peer had similar feelings.  For a brief moment, we realized no one would know if we didn't complete our snack.  However, we ended up holding one another accountable, being partners in recovery, and completing the snack together.  This felt like a huge success.  After walking around for a few minutes, the discomfort of being full passed, and we returned to program feeling accomplished.

A really huge challenge for me this week has been a meal increase.  Adding even more food into my diet was a struggle seeing as I've been struggling with the amount they require I eat already, but maintaining a healthy weight is a priority and eating a certain amount of food is required to maintain that weight.  I wasn't able to complete any meals for two days immediately after the increase, which was a huge frustration.  However, the meal increase was partially my own fault and I have to take accountability for that.  When you first arrive at Eating Recovery Center, you're asked to refrain from exercising completely to take away any behavior that may be disordered.  I have not followed that rule and as such have continued to lose weight while being in treatment.  I came forward about this behavior this week and have since stopped exercising.  However, taking away that coping skill (the relief from fullness, the awareness that your body is burning off some of what you ate, the endorphins) has made this week that much harder.

I'm learning to use my voice here.  They preach that a lot.  I don't do things in a small way.  Yesterday I used my voice with the clinical director.  I was scared shitless, but knowing I was heard to the highest level of authority felt amazing.  I  also felt like, if I can do that - if I can request a meeting with a woman I've met twice and tell her exactly how I feel in a clear and concise manner - what can't I do?

From 6-10 each night we are free to use our time as we please as long as we are following specific rules and guidelines set forth to maintain a recovery focused environment such as no drinking, no hiking, etc.  One night this week I went to target to get some bandages and Neosporin.  The Bandaids happen to be on the same aisle as the laxatives which was really difficult, but being able to avoid that behavior while being alone and knowing that no one would have found out felt really good.  On a different night, I went with a friend to a play which was super exciting and just fun!!

I'm sure there are a million other things that have happened this week, this feels like just a glimpse.  When you spent 11 hours a day/7 days a week in treatment, talking about your feelings and working through your entire life story, you have a lot of emotions just running around.  But this is a pretty good screen shot of my life lately.  I've been writing back to letters I've received so keep an eye on your mailboxes!  Thanks again for all of the support - I'll keep updating as time permits.

"Be kind to your body and critical of our society's devotion to thinness."