I thought this process was hard from the minute I walked through the door, but this week it was fucking brutal. There was no amount of success that could conquer the demons and challenges that seemed to overtake my world. There were at least 50 times that I wanted to quit: sign a 72 hour (or maybe not), discharge, and go home. But it wasn't home that I wanted to go back to - it was my eating disorder and the comfort of control. Instead of running, I am fighting. Because the next time I go home, I want to return a whole person, not just pieces of a body that I've destroyed for a peace of mind I'll never find inside of destructive behaviors.
For this update, I want to give you a little insight into my world in treatment. A little bit of the good and a little bit of the bad. So, here's a few of the challenges and successes from the week.
I took my first snack pass. I went with a peer to a smoothie bar in Colorado. The woman who helped us was overly helpful to a fault. She pointed out where the caloric value was on the menu, which smoothies had more protein than others, etc. However, I was able to stick to my meal plan and order what my dietitian and I had discussed in advance. About 3/4 of the way through the smoothie, I felt overly full and wasn't willing to finish the snack, my peer had similar feelings. For a brief moment, we realized no one would know if we didn't complete our snack. However, we ended up holding one another accountable, being partners in recovery, and completing the snack together. This felt like a huge success. After walking around for a few minutes, the discomfort of being full passed, and we returned to program feeling accomplished.
A really huge challenge for me this week has been a meal increase. Adding even more food into my diet was a struggle seeing as I've been struggling with the amount they require I eat already, but maintaining a healthy weight is a priority and eating a certain amount of food is required to maintain that weight. I wasn't able to complete any meals for two days immediately after the increase, which was a huge frustration. However, the meal increase was partially my own fault and I have to take accountability for that. When you first arrive at Eating Recovery Center, you're asked to refrain from exercising completely to take away any behavior that may be disordered. I have not followed that rule and as such have continued to lose weight while being in treatment. I came forward about this behavior this week and have since stopped exercising. However, taking away that coping skill (the relief from fullness, the awareness that your body is burning off some of what you ate, the endorphins) has made this week that much harder.
I'm learning to use my voice here. They preach that a lot. I don't do things in a small way. Yesterday I used my voice with the clinical director. I was scared shitless, but knowing I was heard to the highest level of authority felt amazing. I also felt like, if I can do that - if I can request a meeting with a woman I've met twice and tell her exactly how I feel in a clear and concise manner - what can't I do?
From 6-10 each night we are free to use our time as we please as long as we are following specific rules and guidelines set forth to maintain a recovery focused environment such as no drinking, no hiking, etc. One night this week I went to target to get some bandages and Neosporin. The Bandaids happen to be on the same aisle as the laxatives which was really difficult, but being able to avoid that behavior while being alone and knowing that no one would have found out felt really good. On a different night, I went with a friend to a play which was super exciting and just fun!!
I'm sure there are a million other things that have happened this week, this feels like just a glimpse. When you spent 11 hours a day/7 days a week in treatment, talking about your feelings and working through your entire life story, you have a lot of emotions just running around. But this is a pretty good screen shot of my life lately. I've been writing back to letters I've received so keep an eye on your mailboxes! Thanks again for all of the support - I'll keep updating as time permits.
"Be kind to your body and critical of our society's devotion to thinness."
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