2015 Resolution

"Everyone suffers some injustice in life, and what better motivation than to help others not suffer in the same way."  -Bella Thorne

I feel like the year wouldn't be complete without a resolution post...  So, here it goes.

Something I've placed a strong emphasis on this year is reaching needs, wherever they may be.  Making small differences in other people's lives has made a big difference in my life.  But more importantly, being able to see needs (literally everywhere) and how prevalent they are has been eye opening for me. Knowing that our communities, cities, states, countries, and planet is suffering, makes me want to do my part.  Every issue from a dog without a warm place to sleep to the lack of food and clean water in third world countries matters.  World peace, as idealistic and cheesy as it sounds, and world satisfaction has become an ever prevalent theme that my heart aches to resolve.  I've spent a lot of time and energy this year doing my part, and I'm resolving to do more next year.

So what's a resolution without concrete steps and goals?  Well...I'm getting there.  I'm not sure where I'll begin.  One thing I've learned this year is that you can't help someone unless you really feel led to do so.  It has to feel right in the moment.  You have to know that you are meant to be the helper.  You have to feel like the difference is yours to make.  If you've ever had this feeling before, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  It's almost like your contribution means more when you know that you were meant to be the one making that contribution.  However, all of that being said, I do need "measurements" in place to make sure I'm maintaining my resolution, right?  

Here's what that will look like:

1. One or more charitable actions each month in the form of a donation of time, money, items, energy, resources, or any other helpful initiative not otherwise specified
2. Each month's "action" must be different (no duplication).  Although repeating a charitable action is certainly allowed, encouraged even, it will not count towards that month's "charitable action"
3. The small things matter - thinking outside of the box is encouraged.  At least 3 times this year, make the "act of kindness" personal versus commercial.  Make sure that 3 of the 12 actions (25%) directly affect an individual (stranger or not), rather than an organization or group.

The ultimate goal here is to inspire more action, creativity, and community involvement. In some capacity (Facebook, blog posts, something - haven't decided what YET), I'll keep everyone posted on my activity.  This is more for accountability reasons than anything else.  I also think it's good to share my experiences, positive and negative, in order to encourage others to get involved too!

So, what's my new year's resolution?  To leave people and places better than I found them.  

Feelings into Action

"A feeling doesn't feed a hungry person.  We need to turn our feelings into action."  -Grace Jones

Each day we have a choice to make: who do we want to be.  I don't always have the answer to that question, but there's one thing that always reigns true for me and it's this: I want to be good.  I want to do good things.  I want to touch lives.  I want to leave people and places better than I found them.

I know we all hate being asked to donate.  There are so many pressing issues in the world that it feels impossible to solve them all.  I'm totally in tune with that.  But I have one goal in mind - I want to bring everyone in my social media together.  I have 1583 Facebook friends.  If each of them gave $1, including myself, we would raise $1584 for Feeding America this holiday season.  Did I mention that equals 15,840 meals for hungry Americans?  $1 isn't very much when we think about how much money we'll spend this Christmas.  I believe that this goal is attainable.  I also believe we can do more.

That's why I'm blogging.  My online presence ins't confined to Facebook, so why should the scope of these $1 donations be?  If I can reach my readers and my readers can reach their Facebook friends, the possibilities here are endless.

Maybe I'm being a bit idealistic.  Maybe I'm not.  There's one thing I know for sure - not trying won't help.  So, here I am.  I'm asking for $1. Then I'm asking you to share this page everywhere you possibly can.  And if you don't have $1, I'm asking for your support.  Your thoughts,  your encouragement, and your sharing of this worthy cause.

We are all capable of making a difference.

You can donate by clicking here.

After you make your donation, I encourage you to spend some time checking out the resources on Feeding America's website.  Some of the stories have brought me to tears and learning about the impact of hunger has been truly enlightening.

"The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality.  The last is to say thank you.  In between, the leader is a servant."  -Max de Pree

Not For Me

I've been touring college campuses in preparation for what comes next: transferring.  When I went back to school, starting at community college made sense.  I needed to prove to myself that I could do something small without having an emotional breakdown before I tried to take on something huge.  Starting somewhere was better than never starting at all.  So, as my last semester of community college approaches and my final graduation requirements have been registered for, it's time to start thinking about what's next.  A 4 year university for a bachelor's degree is the next check point, so we've been searching for the one that's perfect for me.

Originally, we thought we were going to stay in Asheville.  But the more we've entertained the idea of moving, the more real that possibility has become.  We love Asheville, but we can always come back here.  And the reality of Asheville is this: my wife will have her master's degree in December 2015 and Asheville doesn't have the job market to accommodate her.  So, we've been looking.  For now, I'm going to keep the prospects a secret... where I'm thinking of going really isn't the point of this post.  It's what I've learned along the way.

One of the schools I looked at requires their honors students to participate in a study abroad session.  I did not plan on applying to honors programs, nor did I plan on studying abroad.  But the topic keeps coming up and this school in particular makes it way too easy to hop on a plane, head to a new country, and experience a new culture.  My mom really encourages the opportunity to study abroad.  She likes the idea of being immersed in another culture and learning how that community learns.  When she and I discussed the places I could go to study, places like France, England, and Scotland were first on the list.  Who wouldn't want to spend a few weeks exploring those places?  We talked about all of them and which one will provide me with the most educational reward.  That's when I realized I can't study in any of those places.

I am selfish and vain to think that a European hospital can teach me more than a dying a child whose mother can't afford clean water.  If I choose to study abroad in a place like France, I will be doing it for me.  Which is why I will be going somewhere scary and unusual.  Somewhere that we often categorize as "dangerous" or "uncivilized."  I began to research programs in places like Botswana, Africa and Iquitos, Peru.  This is where the need is.  If I'm going to learn, I'm going to do it where there is a need.  If I'm going to experience my education in this manner, it will be because there are people who wouldn't receive healthcare otherwise.  If study abroad is in my future, it will be to make a difference, not to fulfill my own travel destination desires.

I know everyone in my life will worry about my safety.  My ambition sometimes blurs my vision of reality and I am completely aware of that.  But playing it safe never made a difference in the world.  If no one ever takes risks, then problems of malnutrition, poverty, hunger, and limited health care in third world countries will never change.  I know that I'm just one person.  I can't, as one individual, save Africa or Peru, but I can do my part.  And I promise that a few weeks spent in these countries will do a hell of a lot more for the world than a month in London or Paris.

If I decide to study abroad, I can't do it for me.

I have to do if for them.

How To: Make Stress Your Friend

"One thing we know for certain is that chasing meaning is better for your health than trying to avoid discomfort."  -Kelly McGonigal

Breakfast

"The heart can stumble into impossible worlds."

Get a Life

"So I suppose the best piece of advice I could give anyone is pretty simple: get a life.  A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house.  Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you developed an aneurysm one afternoon or found a lump in your breast while in the shower?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over the dunes, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over a pond and a stand of pines.  Get a life in which you pay attention to the baby as she scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and first finger.

Turn off your cell phone.  Turn off your regular phone, for that matter.  Keep still.  Be present.

Get a life in which you are not alone.  Find people  you love, and who love you.  And remember that love is not leisure, it is work."

-Anna Quindlen

Lucy

If you don't think she's cute, you literally have no soul...

This is my Lucy.  She's the sweetest puppy in the world.  She loves freely - nearly everyone she meets.  She came to us as a scared, broken little girl.  She had been bred, abused, malnourished, and then left on the side of the road to die.  All she wanted when we met her at the pound was for someone to love her and to have someone that she could love in return.

Lucy has such a big heart.  When we first got her, she didn't really understand how to be a dog.  She didn't understand the concept of toys or playing or running outside.  She just sat waiting to be held.  It took a while to teach her that this is her home too.  That she belongs here.  That we love her even when we aren't holding her (of course, we still offer up cuddles ANYTIME she asks for them).  Lucy's heart was so broken from the past she had, but that never closed her off from us.  It inspired a craving for more love...that's something that humans so often forget.

Once we've been hurt or struck down, we close ourselves off.  We stop fighting for love because we don't want to experience the heartache again.  Lucy had no reason to trust us.  She just knew that we were offering love and she wanted it.  She took a risk.  She put her heart out there and trusted us not to break it again.  It worked out well for her.  We love her so very much and she loves us back.  But had her heart been broken, I feel as though she would continue to seek love.  Perhaps we could take a lesson in not letting the heartache break us from Lucy.

Ponder

"Hold on.  One more time with feeling.  Try it again.  Breathing's just a rhythm."  

-Regina Spektor

Thrills

Today has been a day of the unexpected.  I suppose most days are like that.  Life is rarely predictable.  I'm learning to embrace the crazy, thrilling (yet sometimes unwelcome) things life throws at me.  Believe me, that's easier said than done.  

Milo: A Coping Skill

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."  -Josh Billings

Milo is my coping skill.  I don't think there's anything in this world that brings me more joy than knowing that he exists.  Coming home to his tiny feet pitter-pattering down the hall and being attacked by thirty kisses as soon as I walk through the door is enough to put air in my lungs some days.  I adore him and the joy that flows through him.  He's my boy.  He's always got time for a nap or a walk.  He's always willing to cuddle.  And he always knows exactly what I need.

I am more thankful for him in my times of darkness than any other time.  He is loved.  He is ALWAYS loved.  But he is appreciated, in every little way, when I am depressed.  His cuddles mean more.  His presence is more significant.  He wears this role proudly.  He knows he takes it on.  I am thankful that my coping skill always has my back.

"The only creatures evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants."  -Johnny Depp

Pretty.

"Since when was loving who we are made an offense by morons that don't matter? Change this physicality and that one.  Don't you dare shatter the illusion that you could ever be anything beyond paper-fine flesh and flashy teeth and fingernails.  A code of accusations of not good enough, never good enough.  Have you ever felt so numb that it hurts?  Entertain me.

You can't surrender to them.  You've got to remember that you're the only thing you'll ever truly have. And no, I don't mean your body.  Because someday that will go bad no matter what do you do.  I mean you.  I mean the way your bright eyes go wild when you smile and how your laugh is so melodic it's a song.

I mean the way your creativity is a compass that leads you to what you love.  And you don't need any miracle cream to keep your passions smooth, hair free, or diet pills to slim your kindness down.  And when you start to drown in these petty expectations, you've gotta re-examine the miracle of your existence because you are worth so much more than your waistline.  You are worth the beautiful thoughts you think and the daring dreams you dream, undone and drunk off alcohol of being.

...

You don't live to meet the credentials established by a madman.  You're a goddamned treasure whether you want to believe it or not.  And maybe that's what everyone should start looking for."

-Savannah Brown, What Guys Look for in Girls

I'm re-reading and re-watching this poem until the words sink in and I really start to believe them. Today I felt beautiful and today's photo reflects that...

If you're interested in the full poem, you can find it here.

New Doors

"Adventure is worthwhile in itself." -Amelia Earhart

There's something to be said about a door.  It's kind of beautiful to think that there's a single unit that separates the known from the unknown.  Until you gain the courage to walk through it, you are oblivious to what's on the other side.  Door's hold in secrets and adventures.  They block out dangers and strangers.  They separate the all-knowing from the clueless.

There's also a sort of change in adventure associated with doors.  We've all heard the adage "when one door closes, another door opens."  I'm not sure why we associate new adventures with opening new doors, but we do.  However, I'm finding that sometimes you have to sit and stare at the door for a little while before you're ready to open it.  When one adventure ends, one door closes, one opportunity seems to finished, the next door isn't always ready to be opened.  We might have to go find the key.  We may have to knock and wait for someone to answer.  We may knock and find that no one his home right now and we'll have to wait for the right person to come along and let us in.  We may have to try a couple different doors until we find the right one because they all look a little too similar.  It's not always as cut and dry as walking out of one door and into another.

Despite all of the struggles that doors provide, I still see them as gateways to adventure.  I see them as an opportunity to try something new.  They feel empowering - I am given the power to make a decision each time I approach a new door: do I walk through or not?  And every time I do walk through, I'm filled with wonder by the new sights that are on the other side.  The new people and places and surroundings.  Doors are beautiful.  Doors are adventurous.

"We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm, and adventure.  There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open." -Jawaharlal Nehru

Small Gestures

It's the little things that go a long way...

Celebrate Love

We went to the most beautiful and real wedding today. We loved the opportunity to share this moment with some of our favorite relatives. So today's photo celebrates love.

"These are the hands of your best friend..."

A Secret Spot

"I hope you wake up feeling strong, powerful, and capable."

Brother Wolf Animal Rescue

"You can't rely on how you look to sustain you.  What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and for those around you.  That kind of beauty inflames the heart and enchants the soul."  -Lupita Nyongo 

One thing that I consistently crave is feeling connected and my favorite way to satisfy that craving is through a random act of kindness.  Something about the act of giving ignites a part of me that is unstoppable.  Knowing that my time, energy, money, effort, etc has made a difference makes me feel alive.  In my weakest moments, being able to do something good makes me feel a little more whole.

Today's photo is of a donation receipt.  Jordan and I spent some time picking out and purchasing items for a local, no-kill animal shelter called Brother Wolf Animal Rescue.  It's one of our favorite places to donate and one of our favorite local charities.  You can find out more about them here, if you're interested.  

I'm thankful for a soul that's ignited by the opportunity to do something good.

Photos for Purpose

"Life is more precious than I can comprehend, but believe me, I'm trying." -John O'Callaghan

I've obviously neglected this space for quite some time now.  I keep trying to write and words do come, but I push them aside or decide not to post them for fear that I'm not being honest enough or, in some cases, being far too honest.  The truth is, the space I'm in right now is not one that is conducive to giving advice.  My story of strength and hope has turned into more of a battle between life and death.  I am okay.  I've sought help.  I'm moving forward each day.  My struggles are here, they are present.  I am living in them.  However, I am living.  That is what matters most.  I cannot be a source of strength for others right now because all I have is being poured into keeping me present and rebuilding me.  I am regaining myself.  But I don't want this blog to fall to the wayside.  For so long it has been a part of my life that has given me purpose and made me feel like I have a voice and the power to make a difference somehow.  The words of kindness and appreciation, the feelings of hope, and the stories we share in this space give me joy and peace.  I don't want to lose that.

So, until I feel like I can write again, I'm going to start a series called "Photos for Purpose."  The concept is simple.  In a recent therapy session, we did an activity involving postcards, which inspired me to take pictures of things that made me feel throughout the week.  It could be any feeling.  Being able to feel something felt good.  Having that purpose, knowing I had to find something to take a picture of each day, gave me a reason to get out of bed and explore the world around me.  Some days it came easy.  Some days I had to look for beauty or pain.  But every day I was able to explore the emotions that my soul so often pushes aside these days.  The pictures helped.  The pictures gave me purpose.  I'm going to continue them here, in this space.  The layout will probably change from day to day.  Some days I will write.  Others I may simply post a photo and nothing else.  But I will commit to posting a photo a day, in whatever capacity I can handle.

Here's to the road to recovery.  And to all of you who are walking alongside of me, you are not alone.

The first photo:

"If only these treasures were not so fragile as they are precious and beautiful." 

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Robin Williams: Thank You

"For so many, living in a world of depression or personality disorder is a minutely struggle.  I'm not here to say there's a right way to cope, to survive, to thrive.  Each moment lived is a victory." -Bonnie Boyer

Jordan and I cancelled our cable last spring because we wanted to spend more time actively engaging with one another rather than just being in the same room.  We rent movies and/or watch them on Netflix, but we limit that time.  And of course, as all good women must, we'll follow our friends on Grey's Anatomy and Scandal this year through Hulu Plus. It is wonderful!  Because we have to select something particular to watch and our TV time has to be very intentional, the TV is never just on.  It is never a distraction.  We can be outdoors together.  We can read together.  We can talk or play with the dogs.  It also keeps us very disconnected from things that don't matter.  Hollywood drama does not matter.  It does not impact our lives on any level whatsoever.  I do not read about pop culture and honestly have no idea what's going on in Hollywood right now.  However, occasionally there are things that are just too big to miss.  

When I got the text about Robin Williams death, I was sitting at the dinner table with two friends and my wife.  We we laughing and chatting and just catching up.  I saw the text and set my phone to the side as to not distract from conversation.  While I've always been saddened by any sort of loss, I've always felt disconnected from Hollywood loss.  I don't know those people.  I've never met them.  I feel no kinship to my favorite actor/actress.  I don't even know if they're a good person or a bad person because I've never met them in person and I've seen them all play so many roles.  I do imagine that Robin Williams was a great man -- he brought so much joy to so many homes through his humor.  But his loss (especially not knowing what from yet) didn't seem worth interrupting our dinner with friends we hadn't seen in months.

Less than 10 minutes later our friend Elizabeth got the news...  Robin Williams - cause of death: suicide.

I know my reaction to this text will be unpopular.  I was relieved.  I've never gotten more than one of those texts a year and all I could think was "thank god it wasn't someone I love."  Being so closely intertwined to the mental health community (my wife works in it and I was a drowning in it for years), I still keep in touch with many of the people that impacted my journey.  People I met in hospitals or group therapy.  People who just understood me.  And about once a year, I get a call/text/email saying that one of them didn't make it.  It's August and that hadn't happened yet this year.  Getting the news about someone I didn't know, made me feel like someone I did know was saved.

I also think that his death has sparked an awareness in our community that could not be matched by any mediocre blog such as this one or even world wide organization such as TWLOHA.  I'm reading so many things on Facebook that directly address the mental health community and convey ideas of hope and security even amidst mental illness.  I'm seeing communities embrace heartache and pain and talk about the things everyone tries to hide.  People DO have "ideas worth spreading" and they are sharing them.  Robin Williams life may have brought our families closer, but his death is doing so much more -- it is bringing together a community that was previously forgotten and making mental health awareness a very real message in our world.  My heart aches for his family and friends and the people that truly did know him as a person...but I hope that they can find comfort in knowing the difference that he is making in the world right now.

And thank God that text wasn't one of my beloved friends this year...here's to another year of fighting guys!

Fragile Beauty

"You are worth so much more than your waistline.  You are worth the beautiful thoughts you think and the daring dreams you dream." -Savannah Brown

This week, I had a 15 minute conversation with someone who relentlessly told me how beautiful I was "now that I've lost so much weight."  She then proceeded to ask me to give her daughter guidance on how to lose weight.  Her daughter is not yet a teenager.  I was disgusted.  

I appreciate people pointing out my hard work to live a healthier lifestyle.  Since January, I have gone from a size 16 to a size 8 and I think that is something to celebrate.  I am making better decisions with my foods and living a more active lifestyle and I feel great.  But my beauty is not hinged on my waistline.  At least, it shouldn't be.

There are so many girls out there fighting battles within themselves because they don't feel beautiful.  You may have acne or too many freckles.  You may be overweight or underweight.  Your boobs may be too small or too big.  Your teeth may be crooked.  Your feet, or ears, or pinky finger may not be proportionate to the rest of your body.  WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH?!  Why isn't intelligence beautiful?  Why isn't passion beautiful?  Why isn't a sense of humor beautiful?  Why aren't we beautiful because of the things that make us wonderful?  Why are the following words ever used to describe a woman: fat, ugly, worthless?

Why are beauty, happiness, self-worth, and acceptance all the same thing in our society?

I am frustrated with this topic.  I don't even know where to begin ranting about all of the horrible things associated with the internal battle women face of feeling beautiful, worthy, and accepted.  But Savannah Brown did a pretty great job summing up my thoughts in this spoken word poem -- so just watch it.

"Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." -Dr. Brene Brown

Home: Where The Heart Is

"The ache for home lives in all of us; the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."  -Maya Angelou

Everything hurts right now.  I spend too much time trying to figure out what's going on in my head and heart, but I keep moving forward.  Forward and forward.  There is something wrong with almost everything, unless there isn't.  I've seen some of the most beautiful things in the last few weeks.  Florida has so much to offer...but when it comes down to it, I've seen all of this beauty alone and beauty with no one to share it with isn't magical at all.  What's wrong with me?  The words have been swimming around in my head for days now and the answer is so clear, but so hard to admit.  I'm homesick.

I have learned so much during this experience.  I've learned how to live with strangers and create a functional household.  I've learned how to work so hard for so little.  I've learned about safety, courtesy, show, and efficiency (more than you can imagine about those four little words).  I've learned how to pay attention to every single detail because it all counts.  I've learned to be fully functional (for a 14 hour day) on 1 or 2 hours of sleep.  I've learned that public transportation sucks and have resorted to driving almost every day to work.  But most importantly, I've learned that I belong at home surrounded by people who love and support me.

One of the reasons I accepted this offer is because I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to be on my own.  I know now that I'm okay to handle being on my own, but I don't want to.  I chose Jordan and the other people in my life because they make my life good and happy - it makes sense.  The things I thought I had missed out on shouldn't make me unhappy because they aren't even close to as great as what I did get out of life.  My life in Asheville is worth not having a "college experience" (something I really craved) or proving something to myself.  I'm happy at home and I don't think anything else could make me happier.  I like my family.  I don't know what I was looking for here, but I didn't find it.  What I did find is that my home and my heart are in Asheville and I have to go back.  I've learned that nothing in life will ever be worth more than the ones you love.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm sad to be in Florida.  I want to come home so badly.  I miss everything about my life in Asheville.  There are moments of happiness here.  They are fleeting, but they do exist.  I am okay.  I am making it.  But more than anything at all, I just want to go home.  Hey, it is Disney...maybe wishes really do come true?

"A wish is a powerful thing, especially when it comes from the heart." -Jiminy Cricket, Wishes

Happy Birthday, Jordan!

Today is a very special day.  The most important person in my life is celebrating another year of life.  And I'm not there for it.  But don't worry, I've planned an amazing day to make up for my absence.  An amazing day wouldn't be complete without a present and let me tell you, I've picked out something fabulous.  A rock.  Wait, before you go judging my decision to get Jordan a rock for her birthday, let me clarify - no it is not from a specific mountain that we hiked together on a special date; it is not a precious mineral or stone; it is not from the grand canyon; it is not a rare rock; it is not special in any way, shape, or form.  It is a rock.  It is plain, gray, and boring.  It is not overly large, nor does it have a unique shape.  It is just a plain rock.  I am really the best wife in the world, aren't I?  I know, I know...I really shouldn't have.

Okay, so why did I get Jordan a rock for her birthday?  I want Jordan to have a special day.  I love her so much and I'm so sad to not be with her on her birthday.  But I also want this day to remind her why we're apart.  The reasons we aren't together will only make our relationship stronger.  This rock represents so many things to me, and I want those things to be known to her today.  So, let's get started.

1. Like this rock, our relationship is strong and can withstand whatever adventure our lives hold.  This is the first birthday in four years we've spent apart.  It's not ideal, but we do have 80 more years of birthdays together.  The adventures we've had and the adventures that are still to come will all make up for this one adventure that we have to spend apart.  I'm so lucky to have someone that supports my dreams and appreciates my accomplishments.  I'm so proud to have found a partner that makes sacrifices (like spending birthdays alone) in order to maintain my happiness.  Today, let this rock remind you that you are strong.  That we are strong.  That I love you.  And that we have so many magical adventures to come!

2. Like this rock, this part of our journey, is just a tiny piece of a huge, beautiful picture.  This rock may have been a part of a mountain or a boulder.  It was once attached to some huge part of nature and has become smaller and smaller over time, until it became what you're holding now.  It probably took millions of years to become what it is right now.  Knowing that should make today a little easier for you -- knowing that should make today feel like a tiny dot in the course of our lives together.  We can't always see the big picture (it's hard not to focus on one day at a time), but when life comes together, things typically turn out the way they're supposed to...and that is beautiful.  Today, let this rock remind you of the big picture.

3. Like this rock, getting older just makes us fit together more perfectly.  No matter how far apart we are, I know that we are meant for one another.  With each day, there are more and more possibilities that open up around us.  As we grow as individuals, we grow closer together.  I hope that we never lose sight of the story we share together, the dreams we have for one another, and the inspiration we find within ourselves.  But most of all, I hope we can continue to grow with each other.  Today, let this rock remind you of how you fit with me. 

4. Like this rock, this isn't the last journey we'll make.  We have many years to come.  We will have graduations, and more schooling, and more graduations, and home buying, and children, and fights, and moves, and decisions, and disagreements, and all sorts of things.  We will help people and we will change people.  And people will change us.  We will have plenty of adventures over the years to come.  We have journeys to come.  This isn't the last birthday we'll spend apart.  I hope that we can fill our lives with love and happiness.  I hope that we can continue to be adventurous - take chances and live life fully.  I hope that we can live a lives that matter.  Today, let this rock remind you to be amazing in all that you do because you are an incredible woman.

I am so proud of all that you are and I'm so grateful for the value that you add to my life.  I can't imagine how different I would be without you.  Be adventurous today.  Do something you wouldn't normally.  Try something different.  And do something exactly like you always do.  Watch a movie with the puppies.  Sleep in and eat something unhealthy.  And don't wash/dry/fold any laundry!  

Happy Birthday, Jordan!

A Magical Change

In case you haven't heard, I am moving to Disney World... in two days.  I accepted a position as a part of the Disney College Program (DCP), which you are welcome to Google and find out more about.  It's really an amazing, magical experience and I am incredibly excited for it!  However, there is a question that I keep hearing over and over that I've been wanting to answer and I think the only way to give it the true, thoughtful answer it deserves is here, on this blog.  The question is this:  What are you going to gain from a Disney internship that could possibly be applicable to the rest of your life?  Aren't you a biology major - what does THIS have to do with THAT?   It's truly a valid question.  So, here's my truly valid answer.

Throughout this blog, those of you who have been with me from the beginning have watched me seek something that I have always seen as unattainable.  That something is the word "better."  I've never felt like I could ever be completely "healed" from my mental health disease.  I've always thought I would have to carry pieces of it around with me and, ya know what, I probably will.  That realization alone, is a huge step in getting "better."  Seeking a state of wellness has been so important to me - I've been so focused on it - that I've almost forgotten to live life alongside of it too.  I keep my routine and don't break it for fear of my mental health falling apart.  I'm unwilling to leave my wife and dogs for more than a day or two because they keep me stable.  My job offered financial stability that I was completely scared to step away from.  All of these things that keep me healthy have also kept me from experiencing the life that I was meant to live.  Don't get me wrong, I love my normal, happy, healthy, routine life.  But I'm ready to prove to myself that I can do more.

So, that brings us to where I'm at with the DCP.  It's time for me to prove to myself that I can live a life of adventure and still remain healthy.  I have the tools.  I know I am strong enough. I just have to be brave enough to take the first few steps - the rest will come in strides.  DCP is going to offer me a chance at a college experience that I never had.  It's going to give me time to find who I am as an adult, living a life of wellness.  It's going to prove to me that "better" is attainable.  Something about leaving behind everything that has offered me stability over the last few years makes me feel wildly adventurous and oddly free from my disease.  And frankly, it also scares the shit out of me.  Trust me, I have had my moments in preparing for the move.  I broke down several times over having to find and get acquainted with a new grocery store.  I have stressed over my food allergies more than one can imagine.  I broke down when I dropped the dogs off for haircuts yesterday because Waggers (most amazing groomers in Asheville - I highly recommend them) is so nice and they always say sweet things about our babies.  And I have no idea if I'm packing too much or too little (I doubt I'm packing too little), which I also cried about yesterday.  Change does not come easy and moving away from what you know and love will induce anxiety in even the calmest of folks.  I will be okay.  I will be strong.  I'm ready to start this journey.  And when I'm back in January, we will celebrate my homecoming...and my wellness.

Thank you all for your love and support!  See you in Florida (:

When Love Arrives

A Throughout my time on this blog, I've referred to a very special woman in my life as my "mom."  We have no biological connection, but we have a special bond that can only be explained as a mother-daughter relationship and, in our own way, it works for us.  Mom is a teacher and this time last year she was teaching math in Bahrain.  In case you're unaware, that's on the other side of the world.  Mom went to Bahrain looking for a lot of things.  She was ready for personal and professional change.  She was ready for an adventure.  She was ready to discover something new and exciting.  Sometimes love arrives and we are just supposed to welcome it...I think that's what she did.  When my mom met John, a charming member of the United States Coast Guard, I'm not sure she knew what he was going to become to her or how wonderful he actually was.  All I know is, of all of the things she was looking for in Bahrain, a husband was not really on the list. 

A few months ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table, working on some math homework, texting my mom for help on some of the problems.  When I was finished she said, "Now I have a math problem for you: if you're going to be a big sister in September, how far along am I?"  It was the most incredible news our family could have gotten.  I am her daughter, but she acquired me.  I am hers, but she did not carry me.  She did not watch me grow from infant to adult.  If there's one thing in this world that would make her life matter even more than it already does, it's motherhood.  The chance to bear her own children.  We celebrated!!  

Today, I was able to have breakfast with mom and John one last time before I head off to Disney World to start my own adventure and one last time before she's forbidden to fly for fear of pregnancy complications.  At breakfast I was given a gift.  Mom coolly pulled out a framed photo of the most recent ultra sound and announced baby Veit's gender and name.  The gift was not the photo nor the frame, but rather the name.  Maryam Leah Veit.  In September, my little sister will enter the world.  She will have adoring parents that will teach her to be brave and kind.  She will grow to be strong and imaginative.  She will think for herself.  She will be curious.  She will be beautiful.  She will be perfectly imperfect.  She will be loved far greater than she will ever comprehend.

I still don't have words for how I feel about being apart of baby Mary's name.  I am so incredibly honored!  I never expected to be thought of in that way.  It's a big deal to name a child.  You carry your name with your for the rest of your life.  I hope that I can be everything a good big sister should be for baby Mary.  Even though Mary and I will have no biological connection, and many of you will never understand, we will be every bit as much related as if we were actual sisters.  I am so excited for her to be here!  I am so excited for all that comes along with having a newborn around!!

This September, once again, love will arrive in the lives of my mom and John.  Except this time, it's a little more expected.  Congratulations guys!  You will be the best of parents - you already are!  And Welcome to the world, Maryam Leah Veit!  There are so many people that already love you so much, little princess!

Welcoming Love

"Empathy is about standing in someone else's shoes, feeling with his or her heart, seeing with his or her eyes." -Daniel Pink

I should probably be doing homework right now.  Actually, being just 4 days until I leave for vacation, there's about a million things I should be doing and none of them are blogging.  Yet, here I find myself.  Yearning to pound out my thoughts on this keyboard because there's just so much going on in my head right now.

I worked as an artist at an event today and met some pretty incredible people.  It's interesting how different clients are from counter to counter.  When I moved from my first Estee Lauder counter to my current one in Asheville, I experienced this shift.  My customers were different.  The reasons they came to the counter were all very different.  Today, I experienced that same feeling - the women of Waynesville were different.  What I experienced today was a group of women with an overwhelming sense of loss.  One thing that I've always been very proud of is that my job entails really listening to people - not just hearing them.  Words are so powerful.  And sometimes all we need is for ours to be heard.  So listening to the women of Waynesville, I heard a lot of loss.  But accompanying that, I heard a lot of rejection.

Rejection is something that weighs heavily on me because it hits just a little too close to home.  It's one of my biggest fears.  But it's been following me around for a couple of days.  I had a long conversation with a friend last night that revolved around a theme of rejection.  It weighed heavy on my heart.  Then something interesting came to mind...

What if we showed love for one another merely because we exist in the same space?

No, really.  I mean it.  What if we actively sought positive things to say and think about one another?  What if we lifted one another up, rather than tearing each other down.  On my mental health journey, one thing I had to be very careful about was separating support from sabotage.  Sometimes, you think you're sharing something with another person in order to hear words of encouragement and compassion.  Then they share a similar story.  Next thing you know, you're both dwelling on things that are more than likely out of your control.  That's not support.  Support is when someone says, "Hey, that sucks.  Some sucky things happened in my life too...but we can grow.  We have opportunities that go beyond the bad things that have happened in our lives.  Here, let me help you."

Recovering from rejection isn't easy.  And finding someone to support you through it may be even harder.  So why not skip the whole rejection thing altogether?  Why not just love the people around us.  Why not tear down the walls that separate us rather than the people on the other side of them?

To the women of Waynesville - I heard you, sisters!  I know you've experienced some loss.  Each one of you today made me grateful for something that I still have.  I will think of you often.  But hang in there.  There will be opportunities that you don't want to miss out on.  To the people who have beat down the women of Waynesville - try some love on today.  And to anyone who is reading this that's feeling a sort of loss or rejection - it's okay.  Cry a little.  Take your time.  And when you're ready, lift your eyes.  There is so much beauty around you.  There is hurt here, I know...but there is also love.  When love arrives, welcome it.  And don't close your eyes so tightly that  you miss it.

Personal Satisfaction

"You are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." -Sarah Kay

I know my blogging has been sparse lately.  I've been immersed in my studies.  Working full time and being a full time student has proven to be one of the most rewarding challenges I've ever taken on.  I'm learning so much about myself - my drive and my motivation.  I'm learning about my limits as well.  And I'm learning that no matter what I decide to do with my life, I will help make people better.  I'm not sure where that road will take me yet...but I know that my life will mean something to other people.

This is a concept I had never considered.  My life mattering and making a difference in the world.  In 2011, I didn't think I'd be alive to see that Christmas.  Now, three years later, I'm entertaining the idea of a long and meaningful life.  So now I've found a dilemma...what do to with it?  I didn't think I'd ever have to answer that question.  I've thought long and hard about the question.  My thoughts go back to one of my favorite quotes by Mary Oliver: "What is it you plan to do with this one wild and precious life?" I've found an answer that satisfies me for now.

"I will leave people and places better than I found them." -JS

That answer will change.  A lot.  I'm sure of it.  But for now, I think it's okay.  I'm resting in thoughts of helping others.  I'm working hard at school with the end goal being a fulfilling life.  I'm getting my education for me.  But I'm also getting it for all of the people I could potentially help with my education.  I'm getting it for the people who read my blog and believe in me.  I'm getting it for my moms who are increasingly proud and supportive of me.  I'm getting it for my wife, who is motivated by my willingness to take care of our family financially and better myself while she makes her way through graduate school.  I'm getting it for the people who don't believe in me, to prove that "I can" means "I will."  But most importantly, I'm getting an education because I feel alive again.

If you're looking for a challenge for yourself, think about what you're doing with your life.  Think about your talents and abilities.  How can you use those to better the people and places around you?  How can bettering the people and places around you make you feel alive?

"I want you to know that this world is made out of sugar.  It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it."  -Sarah Kay

Ethnocentrism

This society would consider me somewhat of a humanitarian.  I was discussing this with a friend earlier this week and she said "I just wish I could take everyone in poverty and give them a better life."  Before I say anything more, I need to disclaimer: I am compassionate towards poverty and I do not disregard poverty as a world wide tragedy.   However, is the "wealth" and "opportunity" of America any better than the poverty of other countries?  We are all still miserable.  We have petty complaints that practically ruin our lives.

America.  The great melting pot...recent historians have coined the term "tossed salad" as a more appropriate description.  I call bull.  If we were to take impoverished citizens of Romania and "give them a new life" in America, they would (almost) always be second class citizens.  I live in the south.  When someone comes around that doesn't speak English very well, I watch the people around me roll their eyes and focus all of their attention on the "foreigner."  I hear grumbles and complaints.  Why would we subject someone to that?  How can we say that you can't be happy without money?  Just because they live in a poor country doesn't mean they don't have joy.  Yes, their situation may be more dangerous than ours.  Yes, there are many people who dream of America.  But it is an incredibly ethnocentric (See Mrs. Brasher, I really did pay attention in your class) view to think that all Americans have more fulfilling lives than those of third world countries.

How do we contribute to this?  Stop viewing yourself as entitled.  This world...it owes you NOTHING.  You don't get to make demands of others.   Treat others AND yourself respectfully.  Give without ceasing.  Love everyone.  It's no secret that I am not particularly a "people person."  My friends joke that it's odd that I don't like people because I'm SO good at talking to them.  I'm not.  I'm good at listening.  People like to be listened to.  So do that.  Do something nice for someone.  Be nice to someone.  And let go of your ethnocentrism.