Imperfect Weight-Loss Journey

"You are imperfect.  Permanently and inevitably flawed.  And you are beautiful." -Amy Bloom

When people find out that I have lost 86 pounds since April 2014, the first question is always "what did you do?"  I weighed 218 pounds.  I now weigh 132 pounds.  I'm a size 4.  Nearly every part of my body is smaller down to my ring size.  It's natural to be curious.  Everyone is looking for that magic pill or the magic system.  My answer is always the same "I just ate healthier, drank only water, and exercised - nothing drastic."  However, that isn't the whole truth.

My weight loss started extremely healthy.  I began by just decreasing portion size (I was grossly over eating before), attending spin classes at the gym, and substituting sodas for water.  Not surprising, this worked.  I lost a few pounds and had more energy.  However it took a month to lose 5 pounds!  That seemed grueling for the amount of work I was putting in.  I stuck with this regiment, but decided to add more vegetables and cut out more snack foods - that month I lost 7 pounds.  I was happier with these results but knew I could do more.  Slowly this mindset turned into unhealthy behaviors.  I began skipping meals, restricting foods when I did eat, and using laxatives to reduce the waiting period between the time the food goes in and the time it comes out. I tried to fill up on water and I thought about food way too much.  I became afraid of certain foods - there were things I didn't want to eat just because they were fattening.  I was eventually diagnosed with disordered eating (which is different and less severe than an eating disorder).  I started seeing a nutritionist who helped put into perspective how much food our bodies need each day.  She also showed me all of the reasons why MyFitnessPal is the devil and helped me make better decisions for my body.  However, it's still really hard.  I'm still not there yet.  I still have a box of laxatives on standby at all times just in case I eat "too much."  I freak out if I have too much "gross food" too close together.  I don't eat three meals a day and sometimes I don't eat at all.  Every day is decisions and a choice and a struggle.

What I lost sight of was the beauty that lies within women.  Everything came down to calories and fat and not the things I actually value in others around me such as kindness and patience.  We matter on the inside and we have to trust that our bodies do not define us.  There are imperfections that will change and develop as we get older.  Nothing stays the same physically even just from day to day.  Letting go of our inability to control our bodies and simply committing to wellness is a much healthier way to live our lives.  I am beautiful despite what I believe makes me unbeautiful. That is difficult to believe, especially for me right now, but I am diligently working towards a commitment to wellness rather than a commitment to my eating disorder.  

At 132 pounds, I would not consider myself "thin." Losing more weight wouldn't kill me.  However, doing it the wrong way could.  Choosing to treat your body right is important and that choice starts with the decision to treat yourself right.  So embark on that weight-loss journey!  I support it!  But be safe, happy, and healthy about it.  (Sidebar: if you're looking for a super healthy and safe kickstarter for weight loss, talk to my friend Sarakate Eubanks about Isagenix by clicking here.)

"When did creating a flawless facade become a more vital goal than learning to love the person who lives inside your skin?  The outside belongs to others.  Only you should decide for you what is perfect."  -Ellen Hopkins

Because Today Might Hurt...

We are allowed to break.  Humans aren't meant to be invincible.  I had a therapist that once explained emotions to me like this: when we suppress our emotions, they go to the basement and lift weights.  That is to say that when we don't allow ourselves to feel, our feelings get stronger.  The opposite side of that coin is when we don't take steps towards healing, we get weaker.  We can go to therapy and listen to what our therapist has to say, but if we don't implement those suggestions then we ourselves are choosing defeat.  It's like hiring a personal trainer and then never working out using what you've learned from them.  You might have learned how to do the perfect workout, but you'll never get any stronger.  So what happens when our emotions are working out and we aren't?  

I am never alone in Asheville.  I have two dogs that remind me they need food, water, walks, play time, and cuddles.  I have a wife that reminds me her belly is hungry, she ran out of fruit and bread for her lunches that week, some bill came in the mail and she isn't sure what it's for, and oh yeah - I work and go to school too.  I had friends and fun, but life kept me busy when extra curricular activities didn't.  Greensboro has been a wake up call in that respect.  The first week I moved here, I had no friends, very little time spent at work, and aside from settling into my apartment and resting up from the ridiculous amount of driving, packing, moving, unloading, unpacking, etc I had just done - not a whole lot to do.  I have Milo with me, but one dog is significantly easier to take care of than two, not to mention he is much calmer than Lucy.  If you want to talk about an emotion that didn't get exercised in Asheville, it was loneliness.  Then all of the sudden, I move and I'm alone.  That's where we find out how strong our emotions are when we aren't. My weakness gave rise to something I wasn't prepared for.  I got really sad and I gave into the emotions which isn't healthy.  This starts a cycle of negative feedback, but we can break it.  We just have to choose to.

I chose to get up and take my dog to the park.  It got me out of the house and away from the walls I'd been staring at for the past few days.  We met strangers and even though they only stopped for a few minutes each to chat about how adorable and well behaved Milo was (proud mom moment), they talked.  That human connection sparked something that said "I'm not alone, I just can't sit at home and expect people to come find me." 

We have to acknowledge that our hurts, no matter what they are, what emotion we're feeling, and how deep they run, they don't have to control or consume us.  We aren't alone.  We aren't our emotion.  But we can't change how we feel if we don't acknowledge the feeling and then seek to change it.  We can't just try once - a commitment to wellness is what our lives demand.  A commitment to wellness is specific.  It is a plan.  For example, I will walk my dog in the park once a week because seeing new faces makes me happy.  I will take my medication every day as prescribed.  I will eat dinner outside on Tuesdays in hopes of meeting someone that lives in my apartment complex.  I will journal about my experience of trying to make new friends.  Your plan can be anything that helps you achieve the opposite emotion of what you're feeling.  But have a plan and stick to it because that will pull you through on the days you can't make up your mind for yourself.

All in all, emotions kinda suck.  They're hard to cope with and even harder to challenge.  We are wired to feel certain things and when we don't want to feel them, our minds and our hearts just don't understand why we're rebelling against the feeling it's given you to hold on to.  But emotions are valuable and we can learn so much about ourselves from listening to them, allowing ourselves to feel them, and then moving into a positive direction.

So today might hurt.  And tomorrow might hurt too.  And yes, I'm still lonely dammit.  But I know I won't be forever.  And that's called hope.  Hope is all we can ask for and all we should need.