Sunday, May 31, 2015

Seeking Adventure

I don't consider myself to be a great writer.  I will never write an award winning novel and my blog will never become internet famous.  Perhaps "better than mediocre" is the category I fall under and I'm completely comfortable there.  I don't strive to make writing a career, but I do enjoy it and find that sometimes putting words down can be a creative form of release.  I do, however, have a writer friend that will one day change the world with her literature and last year she found herself in a bit of a rut.  I put together a gift to help her find her voice again.  It was just a few simple boxes with sealed envelopes inside each containing a different prompt or activity for her to write about.  Some of them were quotes, some were story ideas, and some were acts of kindness - her mission was to complete the act or read the prompt and then simply write about it.  Some of my personal favorites were "leave your favorite book in a public place for someone else to find" and "write about a wedding from at least three perspectives."  My friend would tell me about some of the prompts she opened and you could tell she was remembering that we don't have to have a reason to write.

I'm telling you this story because one of the envelopes was misplaced and my friend thinks it found her at exactly the right moment.  And it did.  It found her because it needed to find me.


I'm not going to go into a long drawn out explanation of where my heart is right now. But the shortened version is... this world is so beautiful and I haven't seen enough of it.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Clarity Beyond Belief

"I'm not afraid, at least not to die.  I'm afraid to live and not remember why." -Envy on the Coast

"I don't know if I'm dying," sounds like an awful time to start living.  The truth is, none of us know, but life isn't going to be any more fulfilling if you spend another 5 years waiting on it to give you a heads up.

If there's one thing I've gained through the swiftness of my step-father's progression of this disease, it's perspective.  When big things happen quickly, suddenly you understand what is most important to you and the list isn't very long.  Things you've been putting off or rearranging become quite easy.  Your standards lower on issues that don't matter all that much.  And you find a lot more time than you once had.

My mom has 4 dogs.  She is as crazy about them as I am about mine.  Originally, she just had two, but the second one came with an unexpected surprise (puppies!) and she didn't have the heart to give them away so she ended up with four.  When she realized how much she was going to be in the hospital with her husband, and weighed the dependency of the dogs against the time she could give them, there wasn't a decision to be made.  She had to rehome them.  It was difficult and luckily enough she was able to find homes with people she knew and trusted, but when it came down to her dog or her husband, there wasn't a choice to be made.

Hearing stories about how quickly life can change has really affected me.  I have lived in Asheville for over two years now and the entire time I've been here I've wanted to hike Grandfather Mountain.  Why did it take someone knocking on death's door to encourage me to do it?  I had so many excuses before - no time, no energy, better things to do, too expensive, too far, no one to go with, too dangerous, not experienced enough, need better equipment, etc.  The reality is, those are just excuses.  When I evaluated why I hadn't hiked this beautiful mountain before, I didn't have a good reason and I genuinely wanted to go.

I'm still figuring all of this out.  How do you live your life with clarity and perspective while still being responsible and reliable?  There has to be a balance between what's important to us and what's required of us - perhaps adding being a good employee and coworker to your list of things that are important to you would resolve this issue.  The important lesson out of all of this is just to know that while today is probably not your last day, it could be.  And so could 10 years from now.  Think about how fast the last 10 years have gone - what if you only had 10 more to live out your dreams?  And what if you lived as though every single dream you have were totally possible?  That's clarity.

The top of Grandfather Mountain

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Fighting for his Life

"It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair." -Taylor Swift

Two weeks ago, the only thing I knew about cancer was that it stems from our own cells.  I learned that in my Bio 111 class, which is the only college course I ever made a B in.  We didn't discuss cancer in grave detail, but the parts we did discuss very much normalized the disease to me.  As an overachieving student, I find myself caught up in the science of cancer, rather than remembering that this is a disease that effects people and their families.  Until it affected me...

Just under a month ago my mom casually mentioned that my step dad had been experiencing some pain.  He had some tests run and we knew there was some fluid built up around one of his lungs.  At this point, I was not taking this issue seriously as I believed that it was simply misplaced fluid that could be extracted and everything would be fine.  The fluid was removed, however, everything was not fine.  Within a few days my step dad could no longer breathe and was having intense chest pain.  At this point he was taken to the hospital to be further evaluated.

The next couple days were a blur.  It was a lot of tests and waiting.  Finally the words that everyone is afraid of and no one wants to hear were announced: Cancer.  

We are all very scared right now.  We are all waiting and watching and putting a whole lot of faith in doctors we don't know and science we've never heard of.  I've never seen my mother so afraid.  I've neglected this blog for five months and I guess the reason I'm turning to it now is this:  when I was in a place of darkness and despair, this blog offered me a place to turn to, to be reminded that I am not alone.  When I thought my life was over, the 16,000+ people that have clicked on this page reminded me that it wasn't.  So now, I need you all, just one more time... for my mom and my step dad.  Any words of encouragement, kind thoughts, or shared stories.  I've enabled comments directly on the blog as well as on Facebook. 

Thanks for helping me take care of my momma.  



P.S. If you're in the NC area and you know of any 5K's for Leukemia/Lymphoma, I would love more information.  Also, my family and I appreciate all of your kindness during this time.