It's Not About You

"The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong in this world."

100% of people that I meet that don't know me or Jordan and meet us separately, don't know that I'm gay.  If we aren't showing any sort of affection when we're seen together, most people still don't know that we're gay.  It's usually not until I reference her as my wife or we're seen holding hands that people connect the dots.

So, please tell me, America, how the hell does my sexuality affect you if you don't even know I'm gay????

Oppression isn't something that should even be legal in the land of the free.  I'm not sure how we've decided that religious freedom means Christianity, but it doesn't!  There are people out there with different opinions, views, and ideals...and we live in America because it is supposed to be the place that we are free to express those feelings.  I'm not asking for social acceptance because that is a decision that every free person should be allowed to make on their own.  I'm asking for legal acceptance.  I'm asking for my government to tell me that it's okay that I'm different because our country was built on the freedom to be different.  When our forefathers wrote the Declaration of Independence, they were writing a document that allowed them to be different from Great Britain regardless of the consequences.  They were declaring their right to express who they are.  When they wrote the constitution, they weren't writing a document to be followed and never ever changed until the end of time --  they were writing a set of guidelines that worked for them at the time.  Unlawful hacking of federal documents isn't included in that document because computers didn't exist yet.  Times change.  Things change.  Rules change.  And it's not a revolutionary idea to think that we'll have to change too.

I meet people every day who have strong feelings against homosexuality but adore me.  It just goes to show that who I love really doesn't affect anyone around me.  It's not harmful to the rest of the world.  It doesn't make me a bad person.  It's just a part of me.  And the rest of the world needs to wake up and realize that there are no consequences in allowing the legalization of gay marriage.  Acceptance isn't something that should be optional...but since it is, at least give us the right to live our lives with the ones we love.

"A certificate on paper isn't going to solve it all, but it's a damn good place to start.  No law is gonna change us, we have to change us.  Whatever God you believe in, we come from the same one.  Strip away the fear -  Underneath it's all the same love.  About time we raised that up."  -Mackelmore, Same Love

Listen More

"Everyone has a story.  Have the patience to listen.  Have the wisdom to learn."  -MaryAnne Radmacher

I think people listen to my story because I write about it instead of talking about it.  However, I think many of the same people that listen to my voice via my blog, wouldn't care to have these same conversations with me in person.  I know for a fact how uncomfortable it can be to talk about personal feelings to friends, family, and even strangers.  But writing about it is much easier for me.  Here, I can cry and no one sees.  I can be angry and don't have to control my emotions.  I can be happy and not worry about looking silly.  I am comfortable behind my computer screen...behind my blog.

I've been all over the place this week.  I spent Saturday and Sunday in Charleston, SC.  Monday here in Asheville, NC.  Tuesday in Greenville, SC.  Wednesday back to Asheville and yesterday in Greensboro, NC and now I'm back in Asheville.  Some of my travels were for work and some for pleasure.  I like knowing that I can escape to a new city if I need to.  I love my home here in Asheville, but sometimes I feel like at home we have to talk about things...and when I'm away, we don't.  But I've discovered this week, that the things we don't say are just as powerful as the things we do.

In Charleston, Jordan and I spent a quiet weekend with the pups.  We drove down early Saturday morning and spent Saturday just the two of us, exploring downtown and having a nice dinner.  We didn't talk about how I was feeling or our relationship.  We talked to each other about love and life and our future.  Those are conversations I enjoy.  I like to talk about where we'd like to settle down and what our family dynamic will look like.  On Sunday, we took the pups ALL around Charleston.  We showed them the pier and downtown and they got to experience puppy gelato.  Then we took them to the beach and let them get dirty and wet and run around doing whatever they wanted.  They really really enjoyed the beach and the ability to explore somewhere new.  And I enjoyed seeing them so happy.

In Greenville, I got to see a lot of old friends.  We had a conference for work and some of the girls that I started with at Estee Lauder were there.  It's always a fun experience to be in a room with 40 other men and women that have the same passion as you: beauty.  We got to try new things and learn new techniques and of course build some new relationships and grow some old ones.  It was a great time and I enjoyed the opportunity to get out of town alone.

In Greensboro, I got to see my "mom" and my mom.  I spent time with both of them and I can't explain how much I've missed them both!  We had lots of good conversation and the best hugs!

All in all it's been a pretty good week.  And all in all I've been able to be away from the things that have been wearing on me here in Asheville.  However, now it's back to reality and back to facing my life.  What does that mean for me?  I work. I run a household.  I have people that depend on me.  And that's okay.  There's a lot of stress, but that's okay too.  Because I've taken up a new hobby: listening.  I've learned this week that listening to myself and to those around me brings me joy.  When I "listen" to the dogs and what they want, they're happy and that makes me happy.  When I listen to my customers at work, I hear stories of joy and triumph and of hurt and pain.  Both touch me differently, but SO deeply.  It makes me feel strong and secure to know that these women would share their joys and pains with me.  When I listen to myself, I feel like I can go further and stronger...and I also feel like I can slow down if I need to.

I've also learned how to listen to the things that aren't being said.  Jordan needs to know how I'm doing, but I don't want to talk about it.  So we've found ways to have that exchange without actually having that conversation.  My customer needs me to see her for who she is, even when she isn't ready to talk about it.  The dogs have so much love to give, but no words to share it.  My moms worry about me, but want to give me space and let me be an adult.  They want me to have the freedom to come to them when I need it.

I'm not good at sharing who I am out loud.  I'm not good at opening up to people in person.  But I can do it here, on my blog.  And then I can treat myself accordingly when I'm away from here.  I can learn more and I can do more.  And most importantly, I can live...and I can be okay.  Maybe listening is the key to all of those things.

It's Different

I've taken a few days to myself.  I've been really absent from social media, the blog world, and the real world too.  When I distance myself, it gives me time to sort things out in my head.  I have a stronger grasp on my feelings and intentions when I take time to listen to myself.  Right now, I'm at a point where I know I can't quit, but I'm not sure how to continue.  I think it's an okay place to be.

This "wave" of depression, if you will, has come much differently than any other I've experienced.  Usually, I go from "Good" to "fine" to "suicidal" in about 48 hours.  This time I went from "good" to "fine" to "awful, but not suicidal" in about a week.  It caused me a lot of anxiety.  I was waiting for the bad thoughts and will to end my life to come.  I sat around just hoping that I'd be ready when it hit me...well, it still hasn't.  I suppose that's something I can be thankful for.  That's something I can consider progress.  It has been 9 days since I initially posted about my struggle.  I have spent time trying to pinpoint where things started going wrong, what started hurting, and how to get back to normal.  I do feel much better now than I did 9 days ago, but I'm still not sure of my next steps or what "moving forward" looks like for me right now.  If someone has the answer to that question, feel free to share!

Yesterday was a really good day for me.  Here's a few photos of what we were up to...

I put this up on my bedroom wall, over our bed.

Jordan brought me flowers to work on Saturday!

The pups are doing great!

Love being outdoors...especially here!

Thank You

Let me tell you what the bottom looks like.

It's hopeless.  It's dark and everything stings.  Your chest is heavy.  Doom is impending.  Your heart aches and smiles are meaningless.  Laughing feels wrong and words feel wrong and quiet feels wrong too.  You're hungry, but you aren't sure for what.  You want to go outside, but you can't get out of bed.  The rain is nice and the sun burns.  The pain is okay...for a while...maybe not.  There's no door labeled "escape."  But somewhere in the middle of it all you decide that the bottom may be okay because you couldn't possibly go anywhere, but up...and then you realize that you really weren't at the bottom and you can actually fall further.

But every now and then there's a tiny glimmer of beauty.  There's something that has the faintest sparkle and it gives you the smallest dose of hope.  There's a happy moment in the middle of the darkness.  And when you're at the bottom, you appreciate that beauty more than ever before.

I've had a few of those glimmers this week.  I've had amazing people in my life making their presence known with the smallest gestures that really mean the world to me right now.  I've had total strangers reminding me that I am not alone in this struggle.  You guys are my life support and I am forever grateful.  Thank you, sincerely, for all of the calls, texts, emails, tweets, messages, etc.  It means the world to me.

I want to clarify one thing that I feel has been worrisome to some of you: I am safe.  Jordan and I have spent a lot of time talking about what our next step is right now.  What's our plan of action?  We are ensuring that my safety is our number 1 priority and we are making the necessary arrangements to maintain that standard.  We don't necessarily know where this journey is going to take us or how long we'll be on this road, but we are fighting together and we are fighting responsibly.  We know our limits and when to call in backup.  And we are completely prepared for that moment.

Bear with me as I walk this road one more time.  And please, continue to send the love and support.
I love you all.

"Embracing your light, doesn't mean ignoring your dark.  The world may be broken, but hope is not crazy."  -John Green

Emotional Decline

"Be brave for what you believe in."  -Kevin Breel

This week has nearly destroyed me.  Emotionally, I haven't been this low in almost 2 years.  Jordan is scared.  I'm tired of fighting myself to live.  It's exhausting.  I'm exhausted.  I haven't been sleeping.  My appetite is nearly gone.  I'm staring all of my "warning signs" in the face and I'm not sure what to do about it.  We used to keep a list of things to look for on our refrigerator.  It was just a short list of things that I would say or do that indicated an emotional decline.  Next to each warning sign was a resolution -- something I could do for myself to address that particular issue (for example: Becomes withdrawn ---> Force yourself to be with friends).  It was that simple and it worked for me.  I didn't bring that list to this apartment because I thought I was out of the woods.  I thought I was done with what's going on in my head.  I thought I was okay to leave my coping tools behind.  Because I thought I was okay.

It's scary to think we're going down this road again...I'm not feeling very brave right now.

English Rain

"And I think something is beautiful if it reveals something important about what it means to be alive." 

-Maureen Johnson