Day 15: 30 Day Challenge Conquered!

I can't believe it's the last day of June... this month has flown by, but all in all it's been a pretty good month for me (minus how sick I was).  "Mom" got home safely and I got to text her yesterday...it was the best text I've gotten all year!  Most of you don't know that she is the person that inspired me to start blogging.  She's always thought that my story would help me do good in the world.  I don't know if my blogging helps other people or if it just helps me, but regardless she was right.  I feel good about my blog and I love interacting with my readers.  So, in honor of her homecoming and the last day of my 30 day challenge (which was also inspired by her), I've created a little welcome home present that I'm going to share with her and you all!

Do I look any different?

Jordan looks great, doesn't she??

Lucy on the left, Mr. Milo on the right!

I love you, mom!  Welcome home!

A big big big big big thank you to everyone who helped with this!  

Day 14: Human Rights Victories

Jordan and I have been turning our phones off at night just to spend time together without distractions and it has been an amazing thing for us!  We are really enjoying being able to spend time with one another without wondering what's going on in our social media and personal messaging.  If you've never tried this, I highly suggest it.

Now, I'm sure you're all expecting me to write about the supreme court victories, right?  Of course I am!

Jordan and I watched C-SPAN all morning waiting for the results...and it was worth the wait!

The Windsor and Perry cases have come to a close and we are now two steps closer to national equality.  DOMA was found unconstitutional and Prop 8 was found to have no legal standing.  So, what does that mean for those of us who do not live in a state where gay marriage is legal?   A LOT.  With DOMA being repealed, they're opening up the senate floor to reintroduce the Respect for Marriage Act.  With this one legal action, legally married same-sex couples, regardless of what state they reside in, would be able to receive the 1,000+ federal benefits currently offered to heterosexual couples.  Under federal law, we would be eligible for all rights and benefits, regardless of our residency.  So, if you and your partner lived in North Carolina and took a trip to 1 of the 13 states that offer same-sex marriages legally, went to the courthouse and signed those papers...you would receive federal benefits even though you still live in North Carolina.  Federally, your marriage would be recognized.  We still have a long way to go and I have a feeling it will be a while before southern states legalize same-sex marriage, but we are on a great road and Jordan and I are very excited about it!

If you would like more information on the supreme court cases, a great resource is: http://www.hrc.org/.  If you want the more simple, less wordy version...HRC's tumblr is probably a better resource for you: click here.

Today, while we know we have a long way to go, we also have a lot to celebrate.  Hold your head high and keep your hearts open...because we've only just begun to see changes in this country!  Those who have struggled before us, those who are struggling now, and all of the generations to come, will fight for equality no matter how long the road is.  We are passionate and we are determined.  And someday, we will be married!!

"We can now tell our children that they are just as special as every child with married parents, because we are all equal." -Perry's Victory Statement

P.S. Let's not forget to applaud Wendy Davis and her 13 hour filibuster.  Thank you, Wendy -- Texas loves you! #standwithwendy

Day 13: Reunited (Almost)

JUST TWO MORE DAYS!!!

I haven't talked about this on my blog yet because if I share it with you guys, then I'll get questions about updates...and if I update you too much, I'll keep count...and if I keep count, I'll get WAY TOO EXCITED!!!  But the total truth is, I'm completely stoked.  I'm not sure why, because even after those two days it will be a while before I get what I'm really looking forward to, but in two days, we get a tiny step closer.

I guess you're wondering what I'm excited about, right?  "Mom" is coming home from Bahrain in TWO DAYS!!!!!!!  WHAT?!  Yes, she's returning to the states!  I haven't seen her since Christmas and a lot has changed since then.  We're both living in new places, with new additions to both of our families.  A few months ago, I wasn't sure if she'd ever move back to the states so it's pretty surreal that it's actually happening!  She's acquired a fiance during her stay in Bahrain.  She's bringing home a soldier and from what I hear he's a pretty amazing guy.

Even though she'll be back in the states in two days, I'm not sure how long it will be before I actually get to see her.  She'll be living about 1100 miles north from us, so we have a bit of a journey before an actual visit occurs, but it will be nice to be able to pick up the phone and call or text her whenever I want!

Safe travels, mom!  Be careful -- I love you!

Day 12: Welcome Home

Jonathan Allen, 20 Years Old, Opera Singer

I'm watching America's Got Talent this morning.  Actually, I have America's Got Talent on the TV while I pay bills, catch up on some work, and read up on Lauder's product improvements.  I wasn't paying much attention to the show until a 20 year old opera singer named Jonathan Allen stepped on the stage.  I looked up from my computer and everything around me stopped.  I wasn't worried about anything I had going on when I heard Jonathan's story.  Howie Mandel asked Jonathan if he had his family's support in his pursuit of opera and his next words hit too close to home: "My parents don't support me.  They kicked me out on my 18th birthday because I told them I loved Opera and I told them that I'm gay."

Jonathan Allen, I've been there.  I know where you are right now.  I know how hard it is to build yourself from a hurt that deep.  I know how hard it is just to graduate high school.  I remember the days of food stamps, always running on empty, and taking every bit of help you're offered.  Going to school from 9-4, sleeping from 5-10, working from 11-7, and getting ready for the day all over again.  I know what it feels like to lose every dream you ever had because survival is all you can focus on.  I get it.  And I'm here to say congratulations.  You've followed your dreams.  You've beat the odds.  And you've given hope to every kid that has ever, will ever, and is now going through what you've been through.  At 20 years of age, that's incredible.

My friends and I here in Asheville, NC would like to say thank you for not giving up on your dreams and for being who you are regardless of what the world around you says.  From us here in the blog world, we say congratulations on how far you've come.  And from everyone who's been where you've been, good luck -- We're on your side!

"We love you.  We accept you.  And we're so proud that you came here.  This is your new family.  Welcome home." -Howie Mandel

Day 11: Following Courage

A friend sent me a link to a blog yesterday and I must admit, I was extremely intrigued by the title of the blog: Discarded Daughter.  The name is simple, but so full of pain and worthlessness.  The words hurt me to hear, but are strangely beautiful.  I like to read other blogs, but not too often because if I have too many on my list, I won't keep up with them all.  However, the friend that sent me this is a fellow blogger and I very much enjoy her writings, so I clicked.  The title of the post that came up was "My Name is Courage."  I knew, from that, that I was going to be a follower.  I immediately began reading through.  It seems to be a fairly new blog, but what was posted was awesome!  I'm very excited about Courage and her upcoming posts.  So, I'm sure you're wondering by now where you too can read about Courage...Well, if you'd like to follow the story of a girl raised in a very Christian home as a true follower of Christ who eventually became "discarded" because of her sexuality, then click here!

I'd also like to link someone that I've been following for a while now.  This is the friend that sent me the link to Discarded Daughter.  She writes a bit of everything, mostly surrounding around human rights.  She's a very witty person and I love her style.  Actually, I'm surprised I haven't mentioned her before!  She's an anonymous blogger, which I think is super awesome.  It's hard to describe her blog because it's really applicable to everyone, but especially those with homosexual thoughts and religious convictions (because the two are NOT mutually exclusive).  One thing I really like about her is that she writes about the world and things around her, not just her life.  It's refreshing and I always learn something while browsing her.  Give her a glance here!

Other blogs that I follow?
http://cjstmi.blogspot.com/
http://abrandnewline.wordpress.com/
http://redemptionpictures.com/
http://www.postsecret.com/
http://www.kaelynandlucy.com/

There are more that I check every now and then and if someone sends me a link to their blog directly and asks me to read it, I always do.  However, the ones I have mentioned in this post are my "consistent reads."

Changing the subject a bit, I have a quick update...tons of good news, really!  We found the newest member of our family.  Her name is Lucy.  She's a 6 pound Shitzu, that will be around 10 pounds when we get her back up to a healthy weight.  We rescued her from a shelter and she's the sweetest little girl.  Milo loves her. Jordan adores her!  She's been a great addition!  Also, Jordan has a new job and it's been a wonderful adjustment for us.  We work about 15 feet away from each other now and we're saving SO much time and money by carpooling to work.  She likes the job much more as well!  So, there are good things happening here in the Poole household!

I know this post is very different from my usual, so in honor of my usual writings, I'll end with a spoken word poem:

"But I have seen the best of you and the worst of you and I choose both ."

Day 10: Dog Lovers

"Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras

I wasn't a child that asked for much growing up.  I didn't ask for new toys or new opportunities.  I wasn't a toy person.  I spent most of my time outside with my brothers.  We had fake guns that were probably 15 years old by the time I got them.  We had a basketball goal, a play set, a trampoline, dogs, and each other...and that's where I spent most of my time.  I learned to love basketball, probably because I was good at it.  Our play set was actually really cool.  It had one and two person swings, a gymnastic bar, and a seat that spun you around.  The trampoline came a little later in life, but Bekah and I absolutely loved it!  We would stay out there for hours doing flips, playing popcorn, and bouncing each other as high as we could.  We had several dogs, but MY dog was the best one of all.  I picked her out at the pound when I was 3. She was the ugliest, scrawniest, most awkward dog you've ever seen and I loved her.  She was an Australian shepherd and probably 52 other things as well.  Her coat was black and gray so I named her Pepper.  She was about 60 pounds and 3 years old and I wanted to be her best friend.  We were best friends.  She went everywhere with me and we got more love and affection from one another than we ever could have imagined.  Big dogs don't normally make it past 12 years old and my parents started preparing me for Pepper's death when we both turned 11.  However, that dog lived 19 years!  It was hard to see her go...her death was the reason I went home the first time after moving out.

I don't know what it is about the companionship and unconditional love that an animal brings, but I can't imagine my life without a dog.  However, I think just like people, you have to have a connection with your dog - something innate, that can't be cultivated.  Bekah had a dog as well.  Her name was Whisper.  I really never cared much for Whisper.  Obviously, I fed her and gave her water and made sure she was taken care of, but as far as cuddling and loving on a dog, Whisper wasn't the one I spent any time with.  When Jordan and I decided to get a dog, I picked out a super cute one online and sent her to get him.  Eli was a dog that we were both able to connect with, but he outgrew us.  He was supposed to be 25 pounds MAX...when we found him a new family he was 60 pounds and needed way more space than what we had to offer.  He needed room to run all day long.  It was hard to let him go, but we knew it was best for us and him.  We still talk to his new owners and get updates on how he's doing.  He's really in excellent hands and we feel like we made the best decision for him.

Losing Eli, even though we knew it was best for him, left us feeling pretty empty.  It wasn't long before we decided that we would be getting another dog.  I picked this one out on my own.  Jordan didn't even meet him until he was ours.   When I brought Milo home, Jordan hated him.  She thought he was mean and didn't like to be touched.  I loved him.  From the very first minute I saw him, I knew I loved him.  She knew that I was already smitten and that we were going to be keeping him.  After a few weeks of Milo being in our home, he began to warm up to Jordan.  He's definitely MY dog - he cries for me, sleeps with me, cuddles with me, and won't go anywhere without me...but he loves Jordan too and still identifies with her.

So, we've been talking a lot lately about adding a new member to our family.  Children are a long way off for us because we're waiting until Jordan is finished with graduate school, has a career, and a house.  We think we need to be more settled down than we are now.  So we're at a place where we want another little furry creature to be a part of our family.  More so for Jordan than me.  We want a dog that she connects with, just like I do with Milo.  However, we also need for Milo and this new dog to get along.  We don't want another senior because Milo is already 8 1/2 years old and we can't stand the thought of losing two of them at once.  Jordan doesn't want a puppy because she's over potty training and chewing.  I have to have a hypoallergenic dog because my allergies are much more severe than they once were.  So we're searching.

We're excited for the new addition, but exhausted from the hunt.  We are very particular in our needs and we're looking for that connection.  We plan on spending the day finding a new friend...we'll see where this takes us.  Like Jordan always says, "if it's meant to happen, it will."

Wish us luck!

Day 9: What I Believe to be True

When someone finds out I'm gay, my two least favorite responses are:

1. You don't look gay.
2. How do you feel about what the bible says about that?

These two responses make me feel like I'm not only being judged by my sexuality, but also my appearance and religious beliefs.  I have to look a certain way to be gay?  Are you kidding me!  That's the oldest line in the book.  You have to be tall to play basketball or have dreadlocks to work at Mellow Mushroom.  I mean, really?  If I decide to date a woman, I have to shave my head and buy a pair of cargo pants?  No. Absolutely not.  I will not be caught dead in cargo.  

How do I feel about what the bible says about that?  Well, let me just say, if this is your first response, you are not very compassionate at all...which is something that Christian's preach.  Secondly, someones religious beliefs are a pretty private thing.  I know preacher's preach about living outwardly and sharing your beliefs with everyone you meet, but how often do you walk up to someone and say "Hi, I'm a (fill in the blank with religious background)."  So, while the question in itself is ultra offensive, it's also invasive.  Religion is one of those topics that start pretty heated debates.  If you really want to know, ask a gay person that you're more acquainted with, not someone you just met.

However, to satisfy your will to know about my religious beliefs on homosexuality, here they are.  Keep in mind that these are my beliefs.  Everyone's beliefs will differ.  Also, this is merely a brief overview...

• I do believe in God.  I'm particularly fond of the ECLA practices (liberal Lutheran's, basically).  If I had to label myself, it would be something like "Christian with an open mind to other's beliefs."
• I believe that parts of each religion are true.  While I do not think you can ignore the parts you just don't like, it's also acceptable to explore other religions and realize that Buddhism's three universal truths and Hinduism's Maya are applicable teachings to our daily lives, even if we don't necessarily agree with the religion as a whole.  This is something that I realized long before I met Jordan.  Actually, we can thank my 10th grade world history teacher for this (I did listen to you Mrs. Brasher)!
• I believe in Karma.  I think that all we can do in life is strive to be a good person and hope that those good things come back around to us.  I believe that you get out of life what you put into it.  I strive to do good things and to be a good person.  I pray and I believe.  And I do things that bring others joy and hope that those things come back around to me.
• I believe that God gave us a soul mate.  There's a possibility that he gave us more than one soul mate. I believe that God put that person here to love us and better us and we are to do the same for them.  When you find that person, you shouldn't let them go because you're missing the love that God put here for you.  I don't think God would allow me to have such strong feelings for a person if it were wrong to love them.
• I have read the bible several times through and I know the very explicit old testament verses that reflect on homosexuality.  I also know that there are none of those verses in the new testament.  In the old testament, we're asked to make animal sacrifices and experience plagues and we don't believe those things anymore either.  The new testament was written for new times, which is why I find those books more applicable to my daily life.  I do not think homosexuality is a sin.
• I believe in a forgiving and compassionate God.  If I get to heaven (or whatever afterlife there happens to be), and God tells me that he wasn't happy with my life partner, I think he'll finish that statement with "but I am happy with the life you lived - a life of happiness and kindness - and the love and commitment that you showed to Jordan."  And he will let me in.
• I believe that the big bang was planned by a higher being.  I think the world started that way (I mean, science strongly suggests it), but it was all orchestrated by a higher power.
• I believe that we are to love one another, despite our differences and make every effort to strive towards a unified goal: to make the world a better place.
• I believe that people get so caught up in the social framework of religion that they forget to search for what they find true to themselves.  I encourage people to read sacred texts other than their own and really keep an open mind to them.  Try to find who you are rather than making yourself into something other people tell you that you need to be.
• Finally, I believe that we often forget who religious figure heads are.  Preachers and leaders and cardinals and even the pope are still just human.  These men and women have dedicated their life to their religious practices, but we often forget that their teachings are merely their interpretation of their respective sacred texts.  In order to find what you believe, you have to read them on your own.  Self discovery is key.

My beliefs are different than Jordan's even.  She believes in a more conservative interpretation of the bible, but also in not interfering with the way other's choose to live their lives. Obviously, she's a little more complex than that, but that's for her to share, not me.  The point is, not all homosexuals will give you the same answer when you ask them what they believe to be true.  Just like not all heterosexuals will give you the same answer when you ask them what they believe to be true.  Shocking, right?

Don't be so quick to assume that gay people aren't religious.  Because some are.  Some aren't.  And either way, you should just love them, the best way you know how.

Day 8: Dreams Come True

"Do all you can to make your dreams come true." -Joel Osteen

I can't believe we're halfway through June already!  This month has flown by...I also can't believe that I've made it this far with my 30 day commitment considering how busy and sick I've been!  The last few posts have been about sickness and some rough days, but today I have something totally different to share - a HAPPY post!  It's about time for one, right?

It's no secret that I love my job!  I talk about it all the time.  I want to work for Estee Lauder for many many many years to come...I'm working diligently to progress within the company.  On Wednesday, my hard work really seemed to pay off.  I had the opportunity to meet some of the "higher ups" in the company.  We had a corporate visit where several of the "big kids" in the business were to attend, one of them being a woman that I have wanted to meet since I started with Estee Lauder.  Her name is Lauren Terry and she is pretty much the most important person in my industry.  She has the final say in everything that concerns cosmetics.  And not now, not 5 years from now, but eventually...I want to be her.  It was an amazing opportunity just to be standing in the same room as her.  It was even more amazing that she spoke to me -- not just a hello -- but a 3 1/2 minute conversation that consisted of 7 questions and a handshake.  I know, most of you are rolling your eyes by now.  But for me, meeting Lauren Terry was just as exciting as meeting my favorite celebrity!

I also had the opportunity to meet some faces that I've never heard of before.  Laurie Thompson and Sue Burke, both of which have significant titles in my line of work.  It was such an amazing experience to hear these women tell me how impressed they are with the things they've heard about me.  I felt like I was no longer a number in the company, but rather someone that they knew they would see more of!  My bosses boss, Meredith, told Sue and Laurie that I had amazing talent and was someone that the company should capital on and allow to shine.  Those words, coming from someone who has no reason to even know my name, made every hard day worth it!

Recognition is something that I think we all need from time to time and I definitely got my fair share of it.  It pumped me up again.  It recharged my battery.  It gave me a little extra drive to push further and succeed more!  I have always been someone that jumps at opportunity and gives 200% to everything she does and this visit made me realize that other people have noticed and they're taking note of it.

I am so grateful for this experience and so thankful to be working for such an amazing company.  As much as I've given to Estee Lauder, they've really give so much more to me!  Looking back on my journey, I realize that the point in my life where I really felt like I had begun to live again was when I started my job at Estee Lauder.  I had something to strive for - goals to reach.  Lauder has given me excitement and enthusiasm - two things that I went years without.  I'm proud to work with such incredible women, each striving towards an incredible goal and unshakable belief that Mrs. Estee Lauder herself set before us: that every woman can be beautiful.

"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Day 7: Generation of Entitlement

We are a generation of entitlement.  My generation, more than any before, seems to feel as though the world owes us something.  I think quite the opposite.  When people ask me why I'm so good at my job, my response is always this:  When you've been so poor that you don't know where you're going to get $0.32 for two packs of Ramen Noodles that night and someone offers you a shot at living comfortably, you will give them everything you have...because anything less than your best is not really an option.  You find a part of yourself that is so grateful for the opportunity to work for that company that you will literally do anything for them.  Hire the poor, rugged, unfortunate looking person...they'll become a superior employee.

I lost my sense of entitlement when I turned 18.  Having everything and then losing it suddenly makes you realize that you never really had anything at all.  I never realized how much I had handed to me until my parents weren't paying the bills.  I spent months trying to recover from the loss.  I spent a year after that living on an extremely tight budget.  Now, we're at a place where we can have the things we want and need.  Our budget is much more lenient.  But I haven't forgotten where we once were.  I still work my hardest every day to avoid going back to that place.

People my age seem to forget that they're being paid to perform a job and they should give their very best to that job every single day.  I don't experience this much with my coworkers because most of them have similar experiences to me.  But I see it everywhere I go.  I see waiters and sales associates that feel like adequate customer service is a request, not a requirement.  They seem to think that pleasantries are unnecessary.

I think everyone should be poor.  We should all experience it at one point or another because it really makes you a more grateful, giving, loving person.  It allows you the chance to humble yourself and ask for help.  It shows you who you can depend on in times of need.  It also makes you savvy.  You learn what you can and can't live without.  You realize how far you can stretch a dollar.  You find things to do that are free...and you learn to enjoy those things quickly.  You realize that holidays are not just about presents but the love that those days bring.  You'll cry more.  You'll laugh more.  You'll realize just how much the small things matter...and how much the big things don't.  It's a learning experience.  It's something we all need to live through.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." -Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Day 6: Meaning Meaningless

"She is searching for a meaning when all the words feel meaningless.  The hardest part of losing is the memory of the win.  The hardest part of letting go is when you know you never can."  -Ron Pope, Meaning Meaningless

Jordan and I broke up one time for one month.  It was the longest month of our lives.  This Ron Pope song stayed on repeat while we were apart...it still brings back memories, but in a good way now.

We weren't the type of people that break up and get back together often.  We weren't the type to threaten to leave either.  I broke up with her and I was miserable.  She had some issues that she needed to take care of and so did I.  We needed to become complete people before we could share our lives with one another.  I'd be a liar if I told you I didn't miss her every second of every day we were apart.  It was the hardest thing to ask her to leave, but it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

In that month, I had the opportunity to realize how much I missed her...how much I loved and cared for her. I also had the opportunity to watch her change for the better.  I got to see her grow as a person.  She got the opportunity to appreciate our relationship more.  She got to see just how strong we can both be apart.  You should know your own strength before you try to lean on another person's strength.

"She opens up her eyes and a piece of her heart dies.  And time moving quickly before our eyes - oh, why do these moments seem to fly?  I am trapped and wondering why..."  -Ron Pope, Meaning Meaningless

I know she didn't quite understand why I wanted that month to myself.  I don't fully understand it either.  But at the time, I just felt like I needed to know more about myself before I could focus on her.  We both died a little inside, but that was quickly reborn into something even more beautiful.

If you ask Jordan now, she'll tell you it was the best thing we ever did for our relationship.  She'll tell you that she learned more about BOTH of us in that month that she had our entire relationship.  She'll also tell you that it's why we're still together today.

Sometimes the hardest things to do are the things we need most.  Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we love for what we need.  It creates a healthy environment, even if it seems counterproductive.  Jordan and I broke up so that we could be together... it doesn't sound like it would make sense, but it really is the only reason we're where we are today.  Now when I hear that Ron Pope song, I remember the things we've done for each other.  I keep in mind the hard work it takes to build a relationship...and I remember that Jordan loved me enough to give me what I needed so that we could both have what we wanted.

"In the sweet embrace of twilight there was laughter in the breeze." -Ron Pope, Meaning Meaningless

Day 5: It's For You

"There are so many fragile things, after all.  People break so easily.  And so do dreams and hearts."  -Neil Gaiman

Jordan and I have a painting in our home that really means the world to me.  It's a simple $20 piece of art that fits perfectly into our lives.  And this is it:

I try to pinpoint the moment I went from a broken little girl to a woman that wanted healing.  I try to remember when I decided to get better (it WAS, and still is, a very conscious decision).  I try to realize when I discovered that I had to be my own hero...because I'm the only person that can control how often I let myself down.  

When I began my education at The Aveda Institute, my life changed.  I found something I was passionate about.  I had purpose.  From the first time I walked into the doors of Aveda, I realized that it was exactly where I needed to be.  However, it wasn't until I graduated that I really found a will to live.  Graduating from Aveda gave me something to be proud of, which was a feeling I hadn't had in a long time.  I realized shortly after that I had a choice to make: I could continue to be miserable and die or I could try to recover from the long list of damage and live.  I don't know what part of me was strong enough to make this decision, but I chose life.  At first, it was really hard.  That sounds ridiculous...if you want to get better, you can, right?  Anyone that's ever struggled with depression knows that it's not as easy as it sounds.  There were days that choosing to get out of bed was a struggle.  There are still days like that.  But every day is easier.

Emily, my therapist of 11 years, used to tell me everyone has scars in unexpected places.  She used this line to reassure me that I wasn't the only one who had ever been hurt.  She also used it to explain some of my past to me.  I think part of what made recovery so difficult for me is that I couldn't quite piece together my life.  There are about 3 months that I don't remember living.  Of course, I remember physically being alive, but not how I made it through each day.  In those 3 months, there's nothing I wanted more than to completely disappear altogether.  I'm not sure if I wanted to die every day, but I know that was the case for most days.  The following months were filled with hospitals and medicines and talking about the things that haunted me most.  A full year passed before I even considered the possibility of living.

I'm still not sure at what point I decided that life was no longer miserable, but actually really beautiful.  But I'm appreciative of the depression I experienced.  I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone, but coming out on the other side of it makes you appreciate each day so much more.  It also allows me the chance to share my story and who I am with other people.  My mom called me last week to tell me that she had referred my blog to a coworker that has a daughter in an inpatient behavioral health setting.  I don't know how much of my blog that girl has read or how much it has helped, but I know her mom has gained a little bit of hope from reading the story of someone who has been there.  That's all I want.  My blog isn't targeted at any one individual.  It's for everyone.  It's hope for people who are happy or sad, gay or straight, male or female.  It's for those who have seen depression and those who have seen someone else with depression.  It's for the people like me with a serious and fatal mental disorder and for the people like Jordan who try to help us.

This blog is for heroes, big or small.

It's for people who are their own heroes and people who are someone else's.  It's for people who aren't quite a hero yet, but are working intently towards that goal.  It's for the people that have a long way to go.  It's for the people that haven't yet started their journey.  It's for you.

"And if I could tell you one thing it would be: You are never as broken as you think you are.  Sure, you have a couple of scars, and a couple of bad memories, but then again all great heroes do." -Unknown

Day 4: It Could Be Worse

I'm sorry that this is going up a bit late.  I hope after reading this post that you will understand, however, if it really distresses you that I have failed to post my 4th post by midnight, feel free to write distasteful comments below.  Moving on...

I got the results from all of my various tests and scans that were performed on Wednesday and received possibly the best bad news I could get: I have a disfigured kidney.  I was born with it.  It's elongated on one side and about twice as large as it should be.  I won't go into too much detail, but as far as we were concerned, we knew why I was having pain and what we could do about it.  I thought things were going to be okay and that I would be feeling better by next week...until today.  Apparently, my body is enjoying torturing my pain tolerance, stress level, and uninsured wallet.  I woke up feeling okay.  A little soreness, but nothing too terrible.  I walked Milo (and by walked, I mean let him pee and run back inside because he's too prissy to go out in the rain).  I checked my email.  I laid back down for a few minutes before getting ready for work.  I got back up and out of nowhere, I was experiencing the most horrible, excruciating pain of my life.  I don't have children, but I'm pretty sure this one trumps child birth.  I don't cry, ever.  If you don't believe me, call my wife or mom.  They'll both tell you I'm not a crier.  I was crying, and heaving, and laid out on the floor.  I've never called in sick to work a day in my life.  I've been working since I was 16 years old and haven't missed a day yet...until today.

I didn't go to the doctor, but I did call her.  I also called my mom and wife.  Jordan came home from work to take care of me.  Mom called and checked up on me as often as she thought necessary.  I took some pain pills and a sleep aid and laid on the couch with a heating pad AND an ice pack.  Right now, I'm feeling okay.  I dread that pain creeping up on me again...I'm probably more scared than anything...but for now, I'm okay.  However, I'm back to square one with what this could possibly be.

If you are a doctor, or you know a doctor, that happens to specialize in severe abdominal pain paired with a plethora of other symptoms, please, feel free to contact me.  If you have any words of wisdom, please share them.  Or if you're just a good person and want to add me to your daily thoughts, I would seriously appreciate it.  I know I will get through this and eventually have more answers and less pain.  But right now, I'm just taking it one step at a time and attempting to remain positive.  Thank you all so much for your continued support.  It really means a lot to me.

On a final note, today was Jordan's birthday!!  She turned 23 and while we spent the morning to late afternoon not enjoying her birthday, we did have a lovely evening making just a few accommodations to our original birthday plans.  It wasn't exactly the birthday she expected, but I think (overall) she had a pretty nice birthday!  We were hoping to have breakfast at a little crepe place in Bryson City in the morning and go to the hot springs on Sunday (we don't do birthdays, we do birthday weekends!)...we'll see how things go.  We're just playing it by ear for now.

Anyway, to recap this adventure, we are now two weeks into pain.  I've seen two PA's, one doctor, and a radiologist.  We thought we had a diagnosis, but are a little unsure now with the new added symptoms as to whether or not that diagnosis was accurate.  We aren't sure if the conditions are connected or not.  The original pain and this mornings pain are different types of pain in different (but close in proximity) areas of the body.  I have no plan of action of what to do next, but I am monitoring pain and symptoms closely.

So, what did I learn today?  That it could always be worse.

Day 3: The Scary Unknown

I've been dealing with a serious medical issue lately that has been causing me a lot of stress.  I'm uninsured and make too much money to qualify for most medical assistance programs.  So, between medical bills and not knowing exactly what's wrong with me, I've been pretty stressed out.  Last night, I was in a great deal of pain and barely made it through Jordan's birthday celebration with her family (by the way, her birthday is on Friday!).  As soon as presents and cake were done, I was on the couch with an ice pack and pain pills.  Laying there, I started wondering how many doctors and how many tests we were going to need to get conclusive results.  I don't actually care what's wrong with me, I just want the pain to go away.  Through this pondering, I realized that I can't focus on what I don't know -- I have to keep my sights on what I do know.

So here's what I know:

1. Blood tests have confirmed that it is an organ, but it is not organ function.
2. Swelling and pain on the right side directly below the ribs narrows our selection down to 4 organs: kidney, gall bladder, appendix, or spleen.
3. Elevated white blood count indicates infection (which is better than loss of function).
4. No rash on my body rules out Shingles.
5. My doctor is on my side and is doing everything she can to help me get answers.

Last night, I had to keep telling myself, I know ALL of those things, that means we're better off than we were two weeks ago.  I still don't have answers and I'm still in a lot of pain, but we're getting somewhere.  We have direction and a game plan.

Sometimes life is a little bit like going to the doctor.  You never know what you're going to get.  Sometimes they know exactly what is wrong, give you a pill and you're all better.  Sometimes things are good.  Sometimes, they aren't.  And sometimes, you don't have very many answers.  In those times, it can be very frustrating to keep your sights on what you do know.  Believe me, these last two weeks have been awful!  Sometimes we have to hurt of a while before we can get to the bottom of things though.  Maybe hurting makes us stronger, which is why we have to go through it.  Maybe digging for answers and advocating for ourselves makes us better people.  And maybe we just have to learn to be okay with the unknown.

I don't know when I'll have answers or how long I'll be in pain, but I'm trusting my doctor to take good care of me.  I'm trusting my mom to keep pushing for answers.  I'm trusting my wife to keep holding my hand through all of this.  And I'm trusting myself to hang in there through the pain and stress.

Let go of your unknown, whatever it is, and trust the people around you and YOURSELF enough to get through it...because you CAN do it!

Day 2: Show Me

There was an extremely thought provoking comment left on my last post.  (If you'd like to read the entire post and/or comment, click here).  The part of the comment I want to focus on today is going to take us down a road I really tend to avoid on this blog for two reasons.  1. My mother reads my blog -- my actual, biological mother.  2. The pain has just begun to heal within the last year...it's still quite traumatic for me to blog about, for both my mother an myself.  If you haven't guessed by now, I'm going to be talking about the woman that put me on this earth.

The part of the comment from the last post I want to focus on is this:

"As you become responsible for more lives, animal or human, your ability to be daring will diminish.  With each life looking to you for its stability and security you have to put the means of providing these things for that life ahead of your own desires, even if that means only going out on calm waters.  It comes down to the difference between the right to risk yourself and the obligation not to risk someone else, particularly if they are in any way unable to fully understand or accept the risk."

I spent about 6 years of my life thinking that my mom was a horrible person.  She's going to read that statement 17 times and cry every single time.  It's no secret, but it will still hurt her to hear directly.  For that, mom, I'm sorry.  But here, in this place, I am real and honest and sharing the truth isn't always pleasant.  6 years.  She spent those same 6 years kicking herself every single day for not being involved in my life.  Of course, she didn't realize we would not speak for 6 years once she made her decision on my living arrangements.  She also wasn't aware of the slander that would occur from other parties involved.  But mom and I don't dwell too much on the past anymore because we are both aware of the toll that will take on our emotions. After those 6 years, she spent about 2 years thinking that I had poor judgment and was in an unhealthy relationship that was taking me down a dark road.  Then about a year ago, we both woke up and realized that we don't know anything about each other and we should just stop hurting a complete stranger.  What did that look like for us?  Several awkward dinners where we ate in public with very few words.

Then finally it all came out...

We found out that words that had been relayed between the two of us had been slurred and that our judgment was based on nothing more than the lies of a self-centered couple that I am ashamed to call my father and step-mother.  (I know, you're all reading this statement and hoping that I didn't just say that on a public forum... please fell free to read this post ...and perhaps, one day, I will share more about them on here).  Mom will be upset that I said that.  She doesn't like for us to badmouth my dad.  He had no problem badmouthing her.

I found out that she wasn't as horrible as I was told.  I found out that she wasn't a liar or any of the other words she was called which are not appropriate for the web.  And she found out that I wasn't all that bad either.  And that Jordan really isn't a bad person...they actually get along REALLY well!

So mom and I decided to start our relationship over completely.  Here's a few things that I've learned through that process:

1. My mother would do things differently, given a second chance.
2. She has more love, care, and respect for me than any person I know.
3. She is a good person.

The reason the comment above struck a chord in me is because it talks about putting another life ahead of yours.  Maybe she didn't go about it the right way...maybe she didn't realize that I didn't fully understand the risks involved.  Maybe she should have given me more information about the situation.  However, I think she was TRYING to do the right thing.  What more can I ask of her?  She tried.  She is still trying to recover from it.  And you know what, our relationship sucked for 8 years, but we're growing into ourselves and into each other.  

I'm not completely faultless in the demise of our relationship.  I fought hard and was ADAMANT that she not be allowed to come back into my life.  Mostly because of the horrible things I had heard about her from my father (most of which I have found to be inaccurate). 

We are still working on our relationship, but I like the direction it's going in.  I'm proud of how hard we've worked to get here.

Mom, I love you.  And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to make up for the lost years that we weren't able to share, but I can give you my best for the years we have left.  If you're willing to work, I'm willing to work.  If we can come together and somehow make our two awkward families into one big awkward family, I'll try.  I commit to being as honest as I can be.  I probably won't cry in front of you and you'll probably cry too much in front of me, but I'll look past it, if you will.  I promise to make this a relationship in which we give more than we take.  And we will fight - because I'm your daughter and that's what mothers and daughters do. But we will hug and makeup (and probably still disagree).  I will try to keep you from worrying about me to protect you, but you'll worry anyway.  And when my big girl panties are just TOO big, I'll let you protect me as long as you promise to let me fight my own battles for as long as I can because one thing I've learned in life is that fighting makes you stronger and I need all the strength I can get.  I will show you how to live because I've gotten pretty good at it.  And you can show me how to grow because that's what I need from you. We will share joy and misery, good days and bad days.  I will become who I am and I will hope that you love that about me, but you already do, don't you?  And...

We will love each other unconditionally.  

When it comes down to it, that's all we really wanted from one another, right?

"There is relief in sharing your life with someone else and joy in realizing that in our sharing, we won't crumble."  -TWLOHA

Day 1: Live and Be Happy

"Who is the happier man: the one who has braved the storm of life or he who has stayed securely on the shore and merely existed?" -Hunter S. Thompson

A few days ago, I was asked by a co-worker "what do you want to do with your life?"  I thought to myself, "I'm doing it!"  But that wasn't my response to her.  Instead I said "Live and be happy."  It's no secret that there have been times when I neither wanted to live nor be happy...so uttering those words were a sincere moment of accomplishment for me.  I'm not sure if the beauty industry will make me happy forever, but for now it does, so I'll keep doing it.  And when it doesn't, I'll stop.

I think dreams are ever changing.  I believe that as we grow and mature, so do our desires and emotions.  What made me happy when I was 7 isn't the same as what makes me happy now; what makes me happy now, may or may not make me happy 10 years from now.  In my young, inexperienced opinion, we have to try something before we decide if it makes us happy.  The problem is, we're often scared to try new things.  When you find a life that fits you comfortably, you don't leave it.  You have a job that pays well, a family that doesn't argue too much, and a home that suits you...why would you strive for happiness when you have everything you need?  It sounds silly when you read that, right?  Everyone should want to be happy!  But consider your life and the things you are doing with it-- have you followed your dreams or merely followed what was practical?

I think Jordan and I are actually really great at doing what makes us happy.  She has a bachelor's degree and could be making a good amount of money doing some 9-5 desk job.  Instead, we choose to live on a tighter budget to allow her to go to graduate school and follow the dream she's always had, to be a counselor.  When I decided I wanted to go to beauty school, there was no discussion about giving up a full scholarship and taking on new debt in its place.  Our conversation went more like this: "Will beauty school make you happy?  Let's do it."  Before moving to Asheville, we had plans to move to Morganton, save a lot of money (because cost of living is SO cheap), and continue living our lives until Jordan was out of school.  We entertained the idea of moving to Asheville for about 10 minutes before we realized that Morganton was no longer an option.  Asheville is where we would be happy...nothing else mattered.

One thing Jordan says to me maybe a little too frequently is, "it's never enough for you, is it?"  Sometimes this is a negative conversation for us, but more often than not, it's something I'm proud of.  I never stop asking for more.  I want more and more out of life the more and more I live it.  A lot of people are frustrated by this, which I don't quite understand.  Why wouldn't you want everything you can get out of life?  What's the harm in asking life for more?  What's the worst it can say?  No?  Well, at least you have answers.  The alternate answer is yes and then you have more!  This is not to say that I'm not grateful for what I have or content with where I am (because I am most certainly both of those things).  I'm merely saying that I want everything I can possibly get out of life: as much experience, happiness, adventure and love that I can find.  You can't have those things when you're living inside of your comfort zone.

When we make decisions based on happiness, society tells us we're being irrational and irresponsible.  You know what, letting each day pass you by without any joy or adventure when it's staring you right in the face sounds more irrational and irresponsible to me.  So, I suppose, to my co-worker I would say, if you aren't happy, move on.  Embrace the possibility of failure and live the life you want to live!  If you aren't happy, find a way to be happy.  Because you owe it to yourself to give everything you have towards living the life you've always imagined.  You owe it to yourself to live and be happy.