I've been dealing with a serious medical issue lately that has been causing me a lot of stress. I'm uninsured and make too much money to qualify for most medical assistance programs. So, between medical bills and not knowing exactly what's wrong with me, I've been pretty stressed out. Last night, I was in a great deal of pain and barely made it through Jordan's birthday celebration with her family (by the way, her birthday is on Friday!). As soon as presents and cake were done, I was on the couch with an ice pack and pain pills. Laying there, I started wondering how many doctors and how many tests we were going to need to get conclusive results. I don't actually care what's wrong with me, I just want the pain to go away. Through this pondering, I realized that I can't focus on what I don't know -- I have to keep my sights on what I do know.
So here's what I know:
1. Blood tests have confirmed that it is an organ, but it is not organ function.
2. Swelling and pain on the right side directly below the ribs narrows our selection down to 4 organs: kidney, gall bladder, appendix, or spleen.
3. Elevated white blood count indicates infection (which is better than loss of function).
4. No rash on my body rules out Shingles.
5. My doctor is on my side and is doing everything she can to help me get answers.
Last night, I had to keep telling myself, I know ALL of those things, that means we're better off than we were two weeks ago. I still don't have answers and I'm still in a lot of pain, but we're getting somewhere. We have direction and a game plan.
Sometimes life is a little bit like going to the doctor. You never know what you're going to get. Sometimes they know exactly what is wrong, give you a pill and you're all better. Sometimes things are good. Sometimes, they aren't. And sometimes, you don't have very many answers. In those times, it can be very frustrating to keep your sights on what you do know. Believe me, these last two weeks have been awful! Sometimes we have to hurt of a while before we can get to the bottom of things though. Maybe hurting makes us stronger, which is why we have to go through it. Maybe digging for answers and advocating for ourselves makes us better people. And maybe we just have to learn to be okay with the unknown.
I don't know when I'll have answers or how long I'll be in pain, but I'm trusting my doctor to take good care of me. I'm trusting my mom to keep pushing for answers. I'm trusting my wife to keep holding my hand through all of this. And I'm trusting myself to hang in there through the pain and stress.
Let go of your unknown, whatever it is, and trust the people around you and YOURSELF enough to get through it...because you CAN do it!
I don't know if I've recommended this before but if I did and you didn't try it...fricken pay attention this time!
ReplyDeleteMeditation for beginners with Maritza. It's a dvd made by Gaiam. Yes it has a picture of Maritza in a yoga pose. Ignore it.
I've been using this thing for years for relaxation, pain relief, stress reduction, anxiety relief. I skip the yoga and go to the 2nd part of it, the body scan.
Basically you lay down (or sit) and breathe, properly mind you, while focusing on what the nice lady tells you to.
That is all. No pretzel moves, no incense, just listen, focus and breathe. Would be great for Jordan too. She's gotta be worried sick.
The third part is a different kind of guided meditation, also very good but didn't work as well for me for pain because of posture stuff but you can kind of drift into it from the body scan and just keep going with that.
I ripped the audio for each of the last two things and I have it on every freakin' device I own.
It really helps with the physical and mental issues with illness. Helps you keep balance.
It does take a little practice. Do not try it once and dismiss it. Turns out breathing isn't as easy as you'd think. Once you get the hang of it, you can do mini versions anywhere you can be still for a few minutes.
Be strong enough to lean on Jordan and your mom. Positive attitude is important. Check your twitter dm's. *hugs* (but gentle ones not bear type) Nancy
Wow, this is worrisome, Leah. I'm so sorry to hear that you have been going through this. See what happens when I don't keep up on my blog reading? I miss all my important news. Man, this is a drag. Please know that I'm praying for you and yr doctor as this gets figured out.
ReplyDelete