Day 5: It's For You

"There are so many fragile things, after all.  People break so easily.  And so do dreams and hearts."  -Neil Gaiman

Jordan and I have a painting in our home that really means the world to me.  It's a simple $20 piece of art that fits perfectly into our lives.  And this is it:

I try to pinpoint the moment I went from a broken little girl to a woman that wanted healing.  I try to remember when I decided to get better (it WAS, and still is, a very conscious decision).  I try to realize when I discovered that I had to be my own hero...because I'm the only person that can control how often I let myself down.  

When I began my education at The Aveda Institute, my life changed.  I found something I was passionate about.  I had purpose.  From the first time I walked into the doors of Aveda, I realized that it was exactly where I needed to be.  However, it wasn't until I graduated that I really found a will to live.  Graduating from Aveda gave me something to be proud of, which was a feeling I hadn't had in a long time.  I realized shortly after that I had a choice to make: I could continue to be miserable and die or I could try to recover from the long list of damage and live.  I don't know what part of me was strong enough to make this decision, but I chose life.  At first, it was really hard.  That sounds ridiculous...if you want to get better, you can, right?  Anyone that's ever struggled with depression knows that it's not as easy as it sounds.  There were days that choosing to get out of bed was a struggle.  There are still days like that.  But every day is easier.

Emily, my therapist of 11 years, used to tell me everyone has scars in unexpected places.  She used this line to reassure me that I wasn't the only one who had ever been hurt.  She also used it to explain some of my past to me.  I think part of what made recovery so difficult for me is that I couldn't quite piece together my life.  There are about 3 months that I don't remember living.  Of course, I remember physically being alive, but not how I made it through each day.  In those 3 months, there's nothing I wanted more than to completely disappear altogether.  I'm not sure if I wanted to die every day, but I know that was the case for most days.  The following months were filled with hospitals and medicines and talking about the things that haunted me most.  A full year passed before I even considered the possibility of living.

I'm still not sure at what point I decided that life was no longer miserable, but actually really beautiful.  But I'm appreciative of the depression I experienced.  I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone, but coming out on the other side of it makes you appreciate each day so much more.  It also allows me the chance to share my story and who I am with other people.  My mom called me last week to tell me that she had referred my blog to a coworker that has a daughter in an inpatient behavioral health setting.  I don't know how much of my blog that girl has read or how much it has helped, but I know her mom has gained a little bit of hope from reading the story of someone who has been there.  That's all I want.  My blog isn't targeted at any one individual.  It's for everyone.  It's hope for people who are happy or sad, gay or straight, male or female.  It's for those who have seen depression and those who have seen someone else with depression.  It's for the people like me with a serious and fatal mental disorder and for the people like Jordan who try to help us.

This blog is for heroes, big or small.

It's for people who are their own heroes and people who are someone else's.  It's for people who aren't quite a hero yet, but are working intently towards that goal.  It's for the people that have a long way to go.  It's for the people that haven't yet started their journey.  It's for you.

"And if I could tell you one thing it would be: You are never as broken as you think you are.  Sure, you have a couple of scars, and a couple of bad memories, but then again all great heroes do." -Unknown