Today is day 5 in recovery. Five days of food. Five days of being pushed to my limits. Five days of not restricting. Five days of no laxatives. Five days without exercise. Five days without vomiting. Five days of intense feeling. Five days of being fully aware of my body for every single second. Five days of discovery, reality, and down right hard work. To say that this has been hard is a gross understatement. Every minute is a challenge. From sitting at a table staring and what my eating disorder tells me is a ridiculous amount of food to the challenge of feeling full and not being able to engage in a behavior to relieve that feeling. I am learning my eating disorder was more than just my friend, it was my identity. However, I am also learning that recovery is realistic, if I really want it.
One lesson I'm learning in a really tough way here is to surrender my perfectionism. I certainly don't have it all together. And while I am GREAT at having an eating disorder, hiding an eating disorder, and taking care of my eating disorder, I'm not so perfect at telling my eating disorder that I'd like my life back now. Because my eating disorder got really comfortable with bullying me and I'm really good at giving in. In my first 5 days here, I've been on the smallest meal plan the dietitians offer, in efforts to ease your way in to eating again. Even on that smallest meal plan, I've only completed every single meal in a day once. And I haven't gone a single day without crying at the table, struggling with feelings of fullness and worries of the changes occurring now that I am refueling my body, along with other struggles. Eventually they will add more food to my plate and that scares the shit out of me. But I've learned that none of these negative things matter. Because at Eating Recovery Center we don't talk about our failures. We celebrate our victories. And the victory is, I might not be able to finish every meal, but I tried. And I might feel full and have awful thoughts about myself, but I'm recognizing that those thoughts are my eating disorder, not reality. And this week, what I'm most celebrating and extremely grateful for is this: no matter how hard it gets, I'm ready to fight because I feel worth it and not only are those words okay to say, they should be said, over and over and over again.
I feel worth it.
One thing we're really big on here is giving gratitude for the people who are aiding in your recovery. Someone who may have just lifted your spirits or lent a hand when you really needed it or maybe encouraged you to attend a group you wouldn't have tried on your own. So right now I just want to give gratitude to my wife, Jordan. Because I needed help a lot more than I realized. Being here is important and is quite possibly saving my life. She pushed me to seek out a higher level of care in the most caring and supportive way imaginable. I know this is hard for her too, but she's been supportive the entire way and I could not be more grateful to have someone like that by my side along this journey.
Finally, I just want to say that I love hearing from everyone! Kind words and encouragement really do help me get through the day. That being said, engaging in conversations about food and/or my body is really hard at this point. I'm working very hard to normalize food and body image in my life, but for right now I'd like to redirect those conversations to almost any other topic. I really appreciate respect for this boundary because by doing so all of you are aiding in my recovery!
