Day 2: Show Me

There was an extremely thought provoking comment left on my last post.  (If you'd like to read the entire post and/or comment, click here).  The part of the comment I want to focus on today is going to take us down a road I really tend to avoid on this blog for two reasons.  1. My mother reads my blog -- my actual, biological mother.  2. The pain has just begun to heal within the last year...it's still quite traumatic for me to blog about, for both my mother an myself.  If you haven't guessed by now, I'm going to be talking about the woman that put me on this earth.

The part of the comment from the last post I want to focus on is this:

"As you become responsible for more lives, animal or human, your ability to be daring will diminish.  With each life looking to you for its stability and security you have to put the means of providing these things for that life ahead of your own desires, even if that means only going out on calm waters.  It comes down to the difference between the right to risk yourself and the obligation not to risk someone else, particularly if they are in any way unable to fully understand or accept the risk."

I spent about 6 years of my life thinking that my mom was a horrible person.  She's going to read that statement 17 times and cry every single time.  It's no secret, but it will still hurt her to hear directly.  For that, mom, I'm sorry.  But here, in this place, I am real and honest and sharing the truth isn't always pleasant.  6 years.  She spent those same 6 years kicking herself every single day for not being involved in my life.  Of course, she didn't realize we would not speak for 6 years once she made her decision on my living arrangements.  She also wasn't aware of the slander that would occur from other parties involved.  But mom and I don't dwell too much on the past anymore because we are both aware of the toll that will take on our emotions. After those 6 years, she spent about 2 years thinking that I had poor judgment and was in an unhealthy relationship that was taking me down a dark road.  Then about a year ago, we both woke up and realized that we don't know anything about each other and we should just stop hurting a complete stranger.  What did that look like for us?  Several awkward dinners where we ate in public with very few words.

Then finally it all came out...

We found out that words that had been relayed between the two of us had been slurred and that our judgment was based on nothing more than the lies of a self-centered couple that I am ashamed to call my father and step-mother.  (I know, you're all reading this statement and hoping that I didn't just say that on a public forum... please fell free to read this post ...and perhaps, one day, I will share more about them on here).  Mom will be upset that I said that.  She doesn't like for us to badmouth my dad.  He had no problem badmouthing her.

I found out that she wasn't as horrible as I was told.  I found out that she wasn't a liar or any of the other words she was called which are not appropriate for the web.  And she found out that I wasn't all that bad either.  And that Jordan really isn't a bad person...they actually get along REALLY well!

So mom and I decided to start our relationship over completely.  Here's a few things that I've learned through that process:

1. My mother would do things differently, given a second chance.
2. She has more love, care, and respect for me than any person I know.
3. She is a good person.

The reason the comment above struck a chord in me is because it talks about putting another life ahead of yours.  Maybe she didn't go about it the right way...maybe she didn't realize that I didn't fully understand the risks involved.  Maybe she should have given me more information about the situation.  However, I think she was TRYING to do the right thing.  What more can I ask of her?  She tried.  She is still trying to recover from it.  And you know what, our relationship sucked for 8 years, but we're growing into ourselves and into each other.  

I'm not completely faultless in the demise of our relationship.  I fought hard and was ADAMANT that she not be allowed to come back into my life.  Mostly because of the horrible things I had heard about her from my father (most of which I have found to be inaccurate). 

We are still working on our relationship, but I like the direction it's going in.  I'm proud of how hard we've worked to get here.

Mom, I love you.  And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to make up for the lost years that we weren't able to share, but I can give you my best for the years we have left.  If you're willing to work, I'm willing to work.  If we can come together and somehow make our two awkward families into one big awkward family, I'll try.  I commit to being as honest as I can be.  I probably won't cry in front of you and you'll probably cry too much in front of me, but I'll look past it, if you will.  I promise to make this a relationship in which we give more than we take.  And we will fight - because I'm your daughter and that's what mothers and daughters do. But we will hug and makeup (and probably still disagree).  I will try to keep you from worrying about me to protect you, but you'll worry anyway.  And when my big girl panties are just TOO big, I'll let you protect me as long as you promise to let me fight my own battles for as long as I can because one thing I've learned in life is that fighting makes you stronger and I need all the strength I can get.  I will show you how to live because I've gotten pretty good at it.  And you can show me how to grow because that's what I need from you. We will share joy and misery, good days and bad days.  I will become who I am and I will hope that you love that about me, but you already do, don't you?  And...

We will love each other unconditionally.  

When it comes down to it, that's all we really wanted from one another, right?

"There is relief in sharing your life with someone else and joy in realizing that in our sharing, we won't crumble."  -TWLOHA