I've taken a few days to myself. I've been really absent from social media, the blog world, and the real world too. When I distance myself, it gives me time to sort things out in my head. I have a stronger grasp on my feelings and intentions when I take time to listen to myself. Right now, I'm at a point where I know I can't quit, but I'm not sure how to continue. I think it's an okay place to be.
This "wave" of depression, if you will, has come much differently than any other I've experienced. Usually, I go from "Good" to "fine" to "suicidal" in about 48 hours. This time I went from "good" to "fine" to "awful, but not suicidal" in about a week. It caused me a lot of anxiety. I was waiting for the bad thoughts and will to end my life to come. I sat around just hoping that I'd be ready when it hit me...well, it still hasn't. I suppose that's something I can be thankful for. That's something I can consider progress. It has been 9 days since I initially posted about my struggle. I have spent time trying to pinpoint where things started going wrong, what started hurting, and how to get back to normal. I do feel much better now than I did 9 days ago, but I'm still not sure of my next steps or what "moving forward" looks like for me right now. If someone has the answer to that question, feel free to share!
Yesterday was a really good day for me. Here's a few photos of what we were up to...
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| I put this up on my bedroom wall, over our bed. |
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| Jordan brought me flowers to work on Saturday! |
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| The pups are doing great! |
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Love being outdoors...especially here!
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Your doing good hon. Sometimes the sign your healing is being miserably uncomfortable instead of at the extreme end of crisis. Just keep catching branches.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I like that... a lot!
DeleteSometimes the next step is just "resting in the moment" and knowing you took the right steps of reflection. Did you know some folks never take the step of reflection, they just keep looking for someone else to fix it or someone else to blame? Owning the responsibility for your own happiness is such a huge boulder in our lives that most of us never get on top of. Look around you and acknowledge the perspective that you are further ahead than you may realize! I'm very proud of how you managed what you were feeling. Just know you are never alone and you don't have to do it alone. My sweet girl, I love you more than breath. ---Mom
ReplyDeleteP.s. Stay in nature every chance you get and take advantage of the great energy around flowing water!
We're going to try to take a day trip this weekend to see the ocean...pending available funds and animal care ;)
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