"I don't know if I'm dying," sounds like an awful time to start living. The truth is, none of us know, but life isn't going to be any more fulfilling if you spend another 5 years waiting on it to give you a heads up.
If there's one thing I've gained through the swiftness of my step-father's progression of this disease, it's perspective. When big things happen quickly, suddenly you understand what is most important to you and the list isn't very long. Things you've been putting off or rearranging become quite easy. Your standards lower on issues that don't matter all that much. And you find a lot more time than you once had.
My mom has 4 dogs. She is as crazy about them as I am about mine. Originally, she just had two, but the second one came with an unexpected surprise (puppies!) and she didn't have the heart to give them away so she ended up with four. When she realized how much she was going to be in the hospital with her husband, and weighed the dependency of the dogs against the time she could give them, there wasn't a decision to be made. She had to rehome them. It was difficult and luckily enough she was able to find homes with people she knew and trusted, but when it came down to her dog or her husband, there wasn't a choice to be made.
Hearing stories about how quickly life can change has really affected me. I have lived in Asheville for over two years now and the entire time I've been here I've wanted to hike Grandfather Mountain. Why did it take someone knocking on death's door to encourage me to do it? I had so many excuses before - no time, no energy, better things to do, too expensive, too far, no one to go with, too dangerous, not experienced enough, need better equipment, etc. The reality is, those are just excuses. When I evaluated why I hadn't hiked this beautiful mountain before, I didn't have a good reason and I genuinely wanted to go.
I'm still figuring all of this out. How do you live your life with clarity and perspective while still being responsible and reliable? There has to be a balance between what's important to us and what's required of us - perhaps adding being a good employee and coworker to your list of things that are important to you would resolve this issue. The important lesson out of all of this is just to know that while today is probably not your last day, it could be. And so could 10 years from now. Think about how fast the last 10 years have gone - what if you only had 10 more to live out your dreams? And what if you lived as though every single dream you have were totally possible? That's clarity.
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| The top of Grandfather Mountain |
"There has to be a balance between what's important to us and what's required of us." Leah, I couldn't agree with you more! Achieving that balance is tricky, and often feels reserved for those who live long enough to get there. Perhaps the balance is a happy consequence of building your life on a solid, intentional foundation. Great post, by the way. Gives me lots to ponder.
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