Imperfect Weight-Loss Journey

"You are imperfect.  Permanently and inevitably flawed.  And you are beautiful." -Amy Bloom

When people find out that I have lost 86 pounds since April 2014, the first question is always "what did you do?"  I weighed 218 pounds.  I now weigh 132 pounds.  I'm a size 4.  Nearly every part of my body is smaller down to my ring size.  It's natural to be curious.  Everyone is looking for that magic pill or the magic system.  My answer is always the same "I just ate healthier, drank only water, and exercised - nothing drastic."  However, that isn't the whole truth.

My weight loss started extremely healthy.  I began by just decreasing portion size (I was grossly over eating before), attending spin classes at the gym, and substituting sodas for water.  Not surprising, this worked.  I lost a few pounds and had more energy.  However it took a month to lose 5 pounds!  That seemed grueling for the amount of work I was putting in.  I stuck with this regiment, but decided to add more vegetables and cut out more snack foods - that month I lost 7 pounds.  I was happier with these results but knew I could do more.  Slowly this mindset turned into unhealthy behaviors.  I began skipping meals, restricting foods when I did eat, and using laxatives to reduce the waiting period between the time the food goes in and the time it comes out. I tried to fill up on water and I thought about food way too much.  I became afraid of certain foods - there were things I didn't want to eat just because they were fattening.  I was eventually diagnosed with disordered eating (which is different and less severe than an eating disorder).  I started seeing a nutritionist who helped put into perspective how much food our bodies need each day.  She also showed me all of the reasons why MyFitnessPal is the devil and helped me make better decisions for my body.  However, it's still really hard.  I'm still not there yet.  I still have a box of laxatives on standby at all times just in case I eat "too much."  I freak out if I have too much "gross food" too close together.  I don't eat three meals a day and sometimes I don't eat at all.  Every day is decisions and a choice and a struggle.

What I lost sight of was the beauty that lies within women.  Everything came down to calories and fat and not the things I actually value in others around me such as kindness and patience.  We matter on the inside and we have to trust that our bodies do not define us.  There are imperfections that will change and develop as we get older.  Nothing stays the same physically even just from day to day.  Letting go of our inability to control our bodies and simply committing to wellness is a much healthier way to live our lives.  I am beautiful despite what I believe makes me unbeautiful. That is difficult to believe, especially for me right now, but I am diligently working towards a commitment to wellness rather than a commitment to my eating disorder.  

At 132 pounds, I would not consider myself "thin." Losing more weight wouldn't kill me.  However, doing it the wrong way could.  Choosing to treat your body right is important and that choice starts with the decision to treat yourself right.  So embark on that weight-loss journey!  I support it!  But be safe, happy, and healthy about it.  (Sidebar: if you're looking for a super healthy and safe kickstarter for weight loss, talk to my friend Sarakate Eubanks about Isagenix by clicking here.)

"When did creating a flawless facade become a more vital goal than learning to love the person who lives inside your skin?  The outside belongs to others.  Only you should decide for you what is perfect."  -Ellen Hopkins