Sharing Strength

"We are going to have to let the truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us."  -Beth Moore

I have a heart that truly feels.  But it seems to be that the ability to feel joy is balanced out conversely with the ability to feel pain.  From a young age, I remember having feelings of elation that would quickly give way to deep melancholy, with no time frame as to when I would receive relief.  But I could still feel.

When my depression began, it started with anxiety.  Then I felt painful, heart-wrenching anguish...then nothing.  I felt nothing.  Sadness was gone, happiness was gone.  I was left with nothing.  It was as if my humanity and everything I understood about myself was stripped from me.  I was breathing, but I wasn't alive.  It was months before I felt anything and the first feeling I had was anger.  I had no clue what I was angry about or even how to express it, but I was mad!  Not bitter, not violent, just furious.  Eventually, that anger was resolved and I was able to feel other things like grief and pain.  Then, I was able to feel joy and love.  I regained understanding of myself and who I am as a person.

Through this, I learned a powerful truth -- when we gain solace from our struggles, we have a unique ability to share that solace with others.  Since then, I have been able to share my experience and try to give hope to those who could find none.

This week, my feelings have been in overdrive.  My heart has been heavy.  Tears have been abundant.  I haven't been very patient and I haven't been very encouraging.  I haven't been empathetic or understanding.  I've tried to "fly under the radar," for lack of a better phrase.  It's been my goal to be unnoticed, and simply survive.

Matthew's funeral is Friday.  While the event itself won't be pleasant or easy, I do think it will be healing.  I think that there will be a part of me that finds solace in being united with others who feel what I'm feeling and hurt like I'm hurting.  Though we will be together because we have experienced a tragedy, we will be together nonetheless.  We will be able to share our stories and experiences, and in the process, we will share strength.