Fighting Tough Stuff

"Even if I can't fly, I'm not content to crawl."  -Nine Days

When talk of my blog comes about around people who don't read my blog, I am often asked, "what do you blog about?"  I never know how to answer this question.  Uh, my life?  No, not really.  I mean, those of you who read regularly do know quite a bit about my life as well as some of my deepest demons, but I wouldn't consider this a blog about my daily life.  Depression?  That's dreary isn't it?  When you say "I blog about depression" you get strange looks.  My blog isn't informative and it's not funny.  It's not necessarily a self-help blog and it also isn't a blog that's here to make a statement.  While I do hope that I am helping people and I do hope that there is a statement being made, that's not the point of this blog.  This blog is for me.  That's all.  So today, when explaining to a friend what my blog is about, this was my explanation:  "Remembering what happened in my past is what keeps here.  There's something about reminding yourself where you've been that pushes you not to go back -- it keeps you strong.  My blog is about my hospital stays.  How I got there, what happened while I was there, what happened after, where I am now, and how I stay healthy."

Today was a really bad day.  That's why I'm blogging.  This is something that helps me through -- it's a resource, a coping skill.  I utilize this blog to help me through difficult situations that may have had me on my death bed a year ago.  My job really got to me today -- I was pushed to my breaking point.  Fortunately, that same friend that I described my blog to today had kind words for me when I got to the edge: "Back away from the edge.  Take a deep breath and let it roll.  It's okay.  Over and done.  You do a really good job."  Hearing that got me through the end of the day.  Blogging about it is what brings me back tomorrow.  Knowing that I can take my stress and pain and leave it somewhere (that isn't my head) helps me relax.

So, to answer a frequently asked question, no, writing about my darkest days isn't unhealthy.  I don't feel as though I'm reliving pain...I feel as though I'm leaving it behind and healing for the future.  Being stable isn't easy for me -- this is most certainly a conscious decision.  Today, I could have given up.  A year ago, I would have.  But in this moment, I can say that I'm leaving this frustration right here.  I'm aware that when I go to work tomorrow, the stress won't be gone.  My job won't be any different.  The issues at hand will still stand, but I can confidently push through them.  I can maintain a positive attitude and genuinely tackle even the toughest of tasks.  Today, I was defeated.  That just means that tomorrow I will fight harder.  And I know that when I've fought my hardest and there's nothing left in me, there's an army of folks behind me ready to carry me to the finish line.

Today, my challenge to you is simple: get up off of your knees, loved one.  You can do this!  Today wasn't okay and tomorrow may not be either, but your pain is fleeting.  You have so much to live for.  There's a reason for your rescue.  Come back to life...and then tell someone how you did it!  Because remembering is okay.  It heals.