This is, quite possibly, my favorite line that Envy on the Coast has ever written. It describes everything that is within me. Throughout my attempts at death, life always beckoned me back. I never wanted to die...I just never wanted to live a meaningless life. I couldn't watch myself waste moments of other's lives. I distinctly remember during my first panic attack screaming to Jordan, "You shouldn't have to live with me. You shouldn't have to know me. I'm bad for you. I'll ruin your life." I have no self-esteem. I am an utter disappointment to myself. I am also extraordinarily sensitive. My sensitivity is something most never see. I mask it behind sarcasm. I actually take everything people say to and about me to heart.
There was a particular instance that occurred revolving around my wedding. There was a dear friend, whom I still care about, that created an uncomfortable situation for me. I didn't know how to address it because this friend and I are a lot alike in terms of the way we perceive things. If someone tells us what to do, we do the opposite. We're strong and opinionated (she much more than I). The situation went further than it should have. It ended badly. It ended with some of the most hurtful things that had ever been said to me. As much as I attempted to brush it off, the situation still sticks with me. I still think about those things that were said and I still wonder if that's what people really think about me. I wonder if everyone sees me the way this person said in those texts. It cut me deep -- it's something I probably won't ever really forget. It also taught me a lot.
I learned that you can't depend on the words and actions of others to prove your value. While the words of this individual hurt SO bad...what hurt worse was having to accept that all the kind words this person ever said to me also weren't true. I realized that I rely too much on what other's think of me. What happened to what I think of me? There's a lot I don't like about myself. There's also quite a few things that I do like about myself. I can honestly say that for the majority of my life, I completely disregarded the most important opinion of who I am as a person: mine. You don't have to live with me. I don't have to live with you. The only person you can never get away from is yourself. So, shouldn't you like you? Shouldn't you review yourself? Shouldn't your opinion matter most?
"I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection." -Billy Joel
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