I Still Relapse

Today was a really difficult day.  I spent much of the day laying on the couch crying.  Jordan managed to get me up around 5 pm.  I took a shower (sorta).  I didn't do my hair or makeup.  We ran two errands and I was exhausted.  I cooked dinner and then went right back to the couch.  About an hour later, we walked Eli.  Now, I'm back on the couch.  I have a really supportive wife -- she's done everything she can to make the day easier.  She didn't get angry when I said I couldn't run anymore errands.  She was patient and calm throughout the day.  She laid down with me for much of the day, but helped me get up when she felt it was "time."  She's always there for me when times are tough.

There's no particular reason why I'm so upset...at least, I haven't fully figured it out yet.  I'm feeling really lonely in Hickory.  It's hard to only know one person.  I also miss a certain someone that's moved to Bahrain.  She was always been there for me when I just need a break or someone to talk to.  I miss my sister too.  I'm exhausted too.  My new job is awesome, but it's much more stressful than any job I've ever had before.

The point is, I still relapse.  It's not always easy.  Depression  still gets the best of me sometimes.  And I often still need extra love and care.  I'm glad for the possibility of people reading this blog pausing to consider the matter of depression, but something in me says it's not enough.  And something in me says that if we're not careful, the heart of the matter gets lost in the language.  The words "suicide prevention" don't do it justice.  Because "it" is people.  Real people living real lives.  Real people struggling with real pain.  Sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, coworkers and friends - struggling to the point of believing that they can't do it anymore.  To the point of believing that it's too late for change, hope, or healing.

This blog is an attempt to remember that depression is more than an issue or a problem or a topic.  Depression is people.  And this blog is an invitation.  I'm asking people not to give up on their stories.  I'm asking people not to give up on their friends.  It is my belief that every single person is a living story, and it is my belief that every single story matters.  And if suicide is a story that ends too soon, Love Story is me hoping that people will stay alive to see their stories change.

We are all made for love and wonder.  Please stay alive.