Valued Pain

"I think every life has incredible value and I know how it feels not to be able to believe that.  I want everyone to know their story is incredibly important, no matter what's written on the pages." -Emily, TWLOHA

I spend a lot of time building up people around me.  I think about the people I meet and their stories.  I hurt for those around me.  I take on their pain and share in their struggle and I try to give them hope.  Even when I'm hopeless, I'm a source of strength for those around me.  I don't think I've always been this way -- I think I took on a great deal of struggle to gain my understanding of pain.  Family, friends, coworkers, even strangers - all of them matter to me.  Their stories live with me.  My heart hurts for them.  I fight for them because I wouldn't be alive today if people hadn't fought for me.  I also encourage them to fight for themselves...because I wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't fought for me.

Right now, I am hurting.  I'm stressed out.  I'm tired from fighting.  I'm feeling a lot of things falling around me all at once.  With all of the good things happening in my life, there are also a lot of sudden changes, complications, and added stress from decisions that will change my life.  There's no time for rest and rejuvenation.  I don't have time for me and it's hurting me.  I'm struggling to fight and let's be honest, that's not a good place to be.  I'm feeling defeated.  However, in the midst of my own pain, I still seem to be fighting for those around me.  I can't get a grip on my own life, but I can fight long and hard for the ones I care for.

I know what pain is.  I'm feeling it now.  I'm hanging on by a thread, but I AM hanging on.  There is something different about this fight than any of my previous struggles though: I WANT to hang on.  I want to try.  I want to be okay.  I believe that I deserve to live, which is an incredible feeling.  I believe that I have earned my life and the right to make decisions regarding how I spend it...and I do intend to spend it well.  I will be brave and strong because I've fallen harder, faster, and more emotionally than this before.  However, I can't fight for me right now.  I can fight for those around me.  I can hold on for them.  I can live because I know that I make a difference in their lives, but I can't fight for me.  I can't hurt for me.  I can't be there for me.

So, thank you, to those who are prevalent in my life, for your struggles.  Thank you, strangers, for sharing your stories with me.  Thank you for offering your own pain and for trusting me with your vulnerabilities.  It has given me something to fight for.  Standing for something is better than falling for nothing.  Your stories are important to me!

"Failure is not falling down, it's staying down."  -Renee Yohe