"Just because you are scarred for life, doesn't mean you should be scared to live." -Brian Celio
I felt myself dragging last week. I caught myself thinking negatively more frequently than usual. As soon as I saw the first signs of myself slipping I thought, "Oh no, here it is. I knew I wasn't better. Better doesn't exist." But then I thought, "Why can't it?"
What does "better" look like? Is it a family or hard earned education? Is it a state of mind or a state of being? Is it the same or different for everyone? Is "better" something I can achieve fully or something I must strive towards every single day? I'm sure there is someone out there who is an expert on the philosophy of achieving something "better." I am not that person, but I do have a personal opinion on the matter: perhaps better isn't something we can or even should strive for. Maybe better isn't a word with any bearing whatsoever on our lives. Perhaps, instead of striving for "better" we should strive for something more measurable. The problem with words like "better" and "stable" and "healthy" is that they aren't conclusive. Those words hold little to no meaning when used out of context. Maybe instead of striving for "better" we should strive for things like sleeping regularly, eating full meals (three times a day), and getting out of the house, or even just out of bed, just because we want to. (Those of you who have never experienced a deep depression before don't understand how much of an undertaking those tasks are when you are deeply depressed -- trust me, you can go days without eating or sleeping and never leaving your bed/house...you don't know until you've been there just how hard those things can be.) Eating, sleeping, and being active are things we can see -- we can measure them. These goals are attainable -- we can reach them because we know exactly what results we are attempting to achieve.
I'd like to think that I'm not scared of falling back into the depression that once ruled my life. I'd like to think that I AM really "better" and that I will never slip again. The truth is, I don't know . I don't know if the worst is over or if the worst is yet to come. I don't know how many more times I will contemplate ending my own life. I don't know if I'll ever be THAT irrational again. And the fact that I don't know those things scares the hell out of me. Today, I feel good. Last week, I didn't. Who knows what the future holds. Eventually, I will die. It could be tomorrow, it could be 80 years from now. It could be from old age, disease, or self harm. When you've brushed death as closely as I have, as many times as I have, on your own free will, the word "death" stops scaring you and starts to feel, well, normal. What begins to scare you is your comfort level with the topic of death and your knowledge of the mental health system. I guess, for now, I just have to appreciate the life I have and the time I am given to live it. I have to continue to develop my skills that I use to combat depression. And I have to write...and share what I have written and hope that someone out there understands my insatiable desire to grasp hold of any and everything that gives me reason to live.
Hey kiddoe, ya did good. You saw you were slipping, started to fall into it, and caught yourself. That. Is. Better.
ReplyDeleteBe patient with yourself. You have a chronic illness. It takes time to learn all the ins and outs of it. As you get to know it better it will be harder and harder for the little bastard to sneak up on you and trip you from behind.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are somehow backsliding on occasions when getting out of bed is the best you can manage. You can do everything right and still have that outcome. Don't let that discourage you either.
Like I said, you have a chronic illness. So do I. I have asthma. Over the years of wrestling with it I have learned my potential triggers and take appropriate measures to avoid attacks. I take my meds, avoid perfume counters, cold air, chemicals, and smoke. If I have an attack anyway does that necessarily mean I've been careless, or slacking? Hell no. The same goes for you.
Another thing, if you were drowning would you consider it to be a sign of weakness to holler for your wife or a friend to throw you a life preserver?
If you were in the dog paddle stage of learning to swim, would you feel like you were not being brave enough for them if you said, "hey, at the moment I'm a little on edge about my ability to do this so just kind of have that life preserver ready but I want to try to get through this myself"?
You'd be kind of a ditz if you did think that way, right? So don't forget that you aren't alone in this. You've got friends and most of all you've got Jordan. As long as you're doing all you can do, and as long as they are educated about your illness, they won't abandon you and you won't burden them. That does'nt mean they won't be bitchy about it sometimes. Remember that fear can come out as frustration or anger.
So, are you going to have bad times? Yep. Have you already proven to yourself that you can survive them and move on into good times again? Yep.
You are getting stronger.
End of sermon.
You are seriously the sweetest! And you do make a lot of good points -- in therapy they are always comparing psychological diseases to other diseases (heart disease seems to be the most popular). They use the analogy that if you were a heart patient and you stopped taking your medicine, you'd wind up in the hospital too. However, society doesn't really see them as the same scenarios. People look down on mental disorders and they're talked about less openly because society doesn't (usually) see them as the same thing. What I liked about your point is that I'm not relying on society as a whole, I'm relying on the friends and family that I have that know and understand the disease. That's totally different than asking a stranger for help!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all of your encouragement!!
xoxo