Resolutions

"Sometimes it feels like there are so many things we can't control: earthquakes, floods, reality shows.  But it's important to remember the things we can, like: forgiveness, second chances, fresh starts.  Because the one thing that turns the world from a lonely place to a beautiful place is love.  Love in any of its forms.  Love gives us hope, hope for the New Year.  That's New Year's Eve to me.  Hope, and a great party."  -Sam, New Year's Eve

I've struggled this year with deciding on a New Year's Resolution.  Should I resolve to lose 10 pounds?  Well, I've been losing weigh steadily over the past few months and I'm happy with the rate I'm moving at now...I don't want to put a number or restraint on weight loss because I want to make lifestyle changes, not reach a goal and quit.  I want to feel healthy first, look healthy second.  Should I resolve to reconnect with old friends and family or give up soda or spend more time reading?  I just really feel like there are better things I could spend my year doing.  Why would I spend time searching for past relationships, rather than building new ones?  And soda and books most certainly aren't the most important things in life...so, what am I going to do with my new year?

I spent last year recovering.  Watching myself leave behind hurt and pain and become a whole again.  I'm not sure I remember being happy until now.  I had forgotten what it felt like.  I used last year to rediscover happiness, meaning, and depth in life.  My resolution was to fight depression, not just hide it.

This blog was part of my resolution.  I wanted to document the journey and maybe let someone else know that they're not alone.  I wanted to story of the kid who looked like she had it all together out there for the world to see what was really going on.  I wanted to acknowledge that my depression and my sexuality are separate issues -- sometimes people lose sight of that.  I was not depressed because I am gay and I am not gay because I was depressed.  I was depressed.  I am gay.  They did not cause each other.  They are not correlated.  I can talk about them both.  It took me until September to gain the strength to start talking about it publicly.  That's when I began blogging.  Writing that first entry was the worst.  So many "what ifs" ran through my mind.  I was afraid of what other people would think and it was a valid insecurity.  I was about to open up my most vulnerable fault to the entire internet world.  I quickly found that I had nothing to be afraid of.  I received more love and support than I ever imagined and through that I gained confidence -- something I hadn't had in a long time.

My resolution last year was all in all successful.  I had my ups and downs, but at the end of 2012, I really felt like I had done my best in recovering from depression and embarking on a happier phase of life.  So, what about this year?

This year, I'm resolving to be more.

I want to be more loving and patient with my wife.  I want to spend more time with my dog (not that he isn't already rotten!).  I'm going to call people more often "just because."  I'm going to enjoy more of life, whatever that may mean in 2013.  I don't know what will happen this new year.  I don't know the future and I don't want or need to.  I'm just resolving to embrace it with "more" of whatever it calls for.  Love, time, patience, determination, respect, morality, bravery and so on.  I'm excited about this resolution.  I'm excited about seeing myself grow as a person.  I'm excited to continue to blog my journey.  I know there will be times when I break this resolution -- that's why I have a whole year to work on it!

"Before we pop the champagne and celebrate the New Year, stop and reflect on the year that has gone by.  Remember both our triumphs and our missteps, our promises made and broken.  The times we opened ourselves up to great adventure or closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt.  Because that's what New Year's is all about - getting another chance.  The chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more.  And stop worrying about what if and start embracing what will be.  So, when that ball drops at midnight, let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other.  And not just tonight, but all year long."  -Claire Morgan, New Year's Eve

Whatever you decide to spend your year doing, just remember to make it count.