"The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why." -Mark Twain
Sometimes there's a part of me that can't let go of what I used to be. Knowing how hard I worked to get away from my depression, sometimes I just want to forget it. But it's like there's something within me that won't let me let go of the fact that I was once a person unworthy of living. I will probably never go a day without thinking about it. I will probably never be able to forget my biggest breakdown. My lowest of lows will probably stick with me forever. I guess it doesn't have to be that way. But I'm not sure I'm strong enough to forget. I don't think I could forget. I don't think I should forget.
Remembering makes me who I am. I am sensitive and I am passionate. I think those two traits can be fully contributed to what I went through with my mental disorder. I also think that remembering is empowering to those around me. When I choose to openly share my story of anxiety and depression, my feelings of loneliness and worthlessness, and my thoughts of self-harm and even death, I feel as though, in some small way, it liberates others to talk about their struggles with the same issues. Perhaps allowing myself to be vulnerable and publicly sharing that vulnerability, sheds light on similar situations. It provides commonality and comradeship to know that there IS someone like you. Remembering also reminds me of how beautiful life is. It reminds me to not take my time for granted. I'm reminded to listen more and to do more. Remembering where I once was, doesn't keep me from going back, it pushes me forward.
My depression isn't who I am. It isn't who I was. At one point it may have felt as though it defined me, but it doesn't now. Dealing with my mental illness rather than killing myself over it has created a strong, brave woman that doesn't back down. Having a mental illness to the severity that I do, allows me to be weak and afraid sometimes too.
I've never disclosed my actual diagnosis. I always generalize my mental illness as depression or some variation of that word. The reason for that is because people get really caught up in scary medical terms that have no actual bearing on anything relevant. Also, once you've seen as many doctors as I have, you're pretty much diagnosed with everything there is and trying to figure that out can be messy. There isn't a medication for my disorder. There is a specific type of therapy that address this disorder in particular. But most of it is addressed by lifestyle management. By now, some of you psychology majors (my wife included) may have figured it out. I have generalized anxiety, severe depression (some of my doctors throw that word "manic" around, but that diagnosis is still up for debate), and borderline personality disorder. What does all of that mean? Well, years of therapy (I am SO thankful to have Emily who has been with me for over 10 years). Medications to manage the anxiety and depression. A great support team. And a lifelong struggle to wellness. Things most people acquire naturally, I have to consciously make an effort to do.
I always start my blogs with a relevant quote. You're probably thinking, why did she choose that quote for this blog? Obviously, I wasn't born to deal with depression...but I do think I was born to advocate. Where I find purpose is in standing up for something that matters. I believe that I have "ideas worth spreading." I believe that what I say and do and write, even if it's just on a minuscule scale, do make a difference. I believe that my passion for the well-being and happiness of those around me drives me to do good things. I believe that I can make an impact on the world around me. And I believe all of those things wholeheartedly. I also believe that I never would have found that calling had it not been for the emotional instability that once controlled my life. So, today, I will take my struggles and my diagnosis and I will remember them. I will be thankful for them. I will allow them to push me forward. And I will live my life.
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