Day 7: Generation of Entitlement

We are a generation of entitlement.  My generation, more than any before, seems to feel as though the world owes us something.  I think quite the opposite.  When people ask me why I'm so good at my job, my response is always this:  When you've been so poor that you don't know where you're going to get $0.32 for two packs of Ramen Noodles that night and someone offers you a shot at living comfortably, you will give them everything you have...because anything less than your best is not really an option.  You find a part of yourself that is so grateful for the opportunity to work for that company that you will literally do anything for them.  Hire the poor, rugged, unfortunate looking person...they'll become a superior employee.

I lost my sense of entitlement when I turned 18.  Having everything and then losing it suddenly makes you realize that you never really had anything at all.  I never realized how much I had handed to me until my parents weren't paying the bills.  I spent months trying to recover from the loss.  I spent a year after that living on an extremely tight budget.  Now, we're at a place where we can have the things we want and need.  Our budget is much more lenient.  But I haven't forgotten where we once were.  I still work my hardest every day to avoid going back to that place.

People my age seem to forget that they're being paid to perform a job and they should give their very best to that job every single day.  I don't experience this much with my coworkers because most of them have similar experiences to me.  But I see it everywhere I go.  I see waiters and sales associates that feel like adequate customer service is a request, not a requirement.  They seem to think that pleasantries are unnecessary.

I think everyone should be poor.  We should all experience it at one point or another because it really makes you a more grateful, giving, loving person.  It allows you the chance to humble yourself and ask for help.  It shows you who you can depend on in times of need.  It also makes you savvy.  You learn what you can and can't live without.  You realize how far you can stretch a dollar.  You find things to do that are free...and you learn to enjoy those things quickly.  You realize that holidays are not just about presents but the love that those days bring.  You'll cry more.  You'll laugh more.  You'll realize just how much the small things matter...and how much the big things don't.  It's a learning experience.  It's something we all need to live through.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." -Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Day 6: Meaning Meaningless

"She is searching for a meaning when all the words feel meaningless.  The hardest part of losing is the memory of the win.  The hardest part of letting go is when you know you never can."  -Ron Pope, Meaning Meaningless

Jordan and I broke up one time for one month.  It was the longest month of our lives.  This Ron Pope song stayed on repeat while we were apart...it still brings back memories, but in a good way now.

We weren't the type of people that break up and get back together often.  We weren't the type to threaten to leave either.  I broke up with her and I was miserable.  She had some issues that she needed to take care of and so did I.  We needed to become complete people before we could share our lives with one another.  I'd be a liar if I told you I didn't miss her every second of every day we were apart.  It was the hardest thing to ask her to leave, but it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

In that month, I had the opportunity to realize how much I missed her...how much I loved and cared for her. I also had the opportunity to watch her change for the better.  I got to see her grow as a person.  She got the opportunity to appreciate our relationship more.  She got to see just how strong we can both be apart.  You should know your own strength before you try to lean on another person's strength.

"She opens up her eyes and a piece of her heart dies.  And time moving quickly before our eyes - oh, why do these moments seem to fly?  I am trapped and wondering why..."  -Ron Pope, Meaning Meaningless

I know she didn't quite understand why I wanted that month to myself.  I don't fully understand it either.  But at the time, I just felt like I needed to know more about myself before I could focus on her.  We both died a little inside, but that was quickly reborn into something even more beautiful.

If you ask Jordan now, she'll tell you it was the best thing we ever did for our relationship.  She'll tell you that she learned more about BOTH of us in that month that she had our entire relationship.  She'll also tell you that it's why we're still together today.

Sometimes the hardest things to do are the things we need most.  Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we love for what we need.  It creates a healthy environment, even if it seems counterproductive.  Jordan and I broke up so that we could be together... it doesn't sound like it would make sense, but it really is the only reason we're where we are today.  Now when I hear that Ron Pope song, I remember the things we've done for each other.  I keep in mind the hard work it takes to build a relationship...and I remember that Jordan loved me enough to give me what I needed so that we could both have what we wanted.

"In the sweet embrace of twilight there was laughter in the breeze." -Ron Pope, Meaning Meaningless

Day 5: It's For You

"There are so many fragile things, after all.  People break so easily.  And so do dreams and hearts."  -Neil Gaiman

Jordan and I have a painting in our home that really means the world to me.  It's a simple $20 piece of art that fits perfectly into our lives.  And this is it:

I try to pinpoint the moment I went from a broken little girl to a woman that wanted healing.  I try to remember when I decided to get better (it WAS, and still is, a very conscious decision).  I try to realize when I discovered that I had to be my own hero...because I'm the only person that can control how often I let myself down.  

When I began my education at The Aveda Institute, my life changed.  I found something I was passionate about.  I had purpose.  From the first time I walked into the doors of Aveda, I realized that it was exactly where I needed to be.  However, it wasn't until I graduated that I really found a will to live.  Graduating from Aveda gave me something to be proud of, which was a feeling I hadn't had in a long time.  I realized shortly after that I had a choice to make: I could continue to be miserable and die or I could try to recover from the long list of damage and live.  I don't know what part of me was strong enough to make this decision, but I chose life.  At first, it was really hard.  That sounds ridiculous...if you want to get better, you can, right?  Anyone that's ever struggled with depression knows that it's not as easy as it sounds.  There were days that choosing to get out of bed was a struggle.  There are still days like that.  But every day is easier.

Emily, my therapist of 11 years, used to tell me everyone has scars in unexpected places.  She used this line to reassure me that I wasn't the only one who had ever been hurt.  She also used it to explain some of my past to me.  I think part of what made recovery so difficult for me is that I couldn't quite piece together my life.  There are about 3 months that I don't remember living.  Of course, I remember physically being alive, but not how I made it through each day.  In those 3 months, there's nothing I wanted more than to completely disappear altogether.  I'm not sure if I wanted to die every day, but I know that was the case for most days.  The following months were filled with hospitals and medicines and talking about the things that haunted me most.  A full year passed before I even considered the possibility of living.

I'm still not sure at what point I decided that life was no longer miserable, but actually really beautiful.  But I'm appreciative of the depression I experienced.  I wouldn't wish that misery on anyone, but coming out on the other side of it makes you appreciate each day so much more.  It also allows me the chance to share my story and who I am with other people.  My mom called me last week to tell me that she had referred my blog to a coworker that has a daughter in an inpatient behavioral health setting.  I don't know how much of my blog that girl has read or how much it has helped, but I know her mom has gained a little bit of hope from reading the story of someone who has been there.  That's all I want.  My blog isn't targeted at any one individual.  It's for everyone.  It's hope for people who are happy or sad, gay or straight, male or female.  It's for those who have seen depression and those who have seen someone else with depression.  It's for the people like me with a serious and fatal mental disorder and for the people like Jordan who try to help us.

This blog is for heroes, big or small.

It's for people who are their own heroes and people who are someone else's.  It's for people who aren't quite a hero yet, but are working intently towards that goal.  It's for the people that have a long way to go.  It's for the people that haven't yet started their journey.  It's for you.

"And if I could tell you one thing it would be: You are never as broken as you think you are.  Sure, you have a couple of scars, and a couple of bad memories, but then again all great heroes do." -Unknown

Day 4: It Could Be Worse

I'm sorry that this is going up a bit late.  I hope after reading this post that you will understand, however, if it really distresses you that I have failed to post my 4th post by midnight, feel free to write distasteful comments below.  Moving on...

I got the results from all of my various tests and scans that were performed on Wednesday and received possibly the best bad news I could get: I have a disfigured kidney.  I was born with it.  It's elongated on one side and about twice as large as it should be.  I won't go into too much detail, but as far as we were concerned, we knew why I was having pain and what we could do about it.  I thought things were going to be okay and that I would be feeling better by next week...until today.  Apparently, my body is enjoying torturing my pain tolerance, stress level, and uninsured wallet.  I woke up feeling okay.  A little soreness, but nothing too terrible.  I walked Milo (and by walked, I mean let him pee and run back inside because he's too prissy to go out in the rain).  I checked my email.  I laid back down for a few minutes before getting ready for work.  I got back up and out of nowhere, I was experiencing the most horrible, excruciating pain of my life.  I don't have children, but I'm pretty sure this one trumps child birth.  I don't cry, ever.  If you don't believe me, call my wife or mom.  They'll both tell you I'm not a crier.  I was crying, and heaving, and laid out on the floor.  I've never called in sick to work a day in my life.  I've been working since I was 16 years old and haven't missed a day yet...until today.

I didn't go to the doctor, but I did call her.  I also called my mom and wife.  Jordan came home from work to take care of me.  Mom called and checked up on me as often as she thought necessary.  I took some pain pills and a sleep aid and laid on the couch with a heating pad AND an ice pack.  Right now, I'm feeling okay.  I dread that pain creeping up on me again...I'm probably more scared than anything...but for now, I'm okay.  However, I'm back to square one with what this could possibly be.

If you are a doctor, or you know a doctor, that happens to specialize in severe abdominal pain paired with a plethora of other symptoms, please, feel free to contact me.  If you have any words of wisdom, please share them.  Or if you're just a good person and want to add me to your daily thoughts, I would seriously appreciate it.  I know I will get through this and eventually have more answers and less pain.  But right now, I'm just taking it one step at a time and attempting to remain positive.  Thank you all so much for your continued support.  It really means a lot to me.

On a final note, today was Jordan's birthday!!  She turned 23 and while we spent the morning to late afternoon not enjoying her birthday, we did have a lovely evening making just a few accommodations to our original birthday plans.  It wasn't exactly the birthday she expected, but I think (overall) she had a pretty nice birthday!  We were hoping to have breakfast at a little crepe place in Bryson City in the morning and go to the hot springs on Sunday (we don't do birthdays, we do birthday weekends!)...we'll see how things go.  We're just playing it by ear for now.

Anyway, to recap this adventure, we are now two weeks into pain.  I've seen two PA's, one doctor, and a radiologist.  We thought we had a diagnosis, but are a little unsure now with the new added symptoms as to whether or not that diagnosis was accurate.  We aren't sure if the conditions are connected or not.  The original pain and this mornings pain are different types of pain in different (but close in proximity) areas of the body.  I have no plan of action of what to do next, but I am monitoring pain and symptoms closely.

So, what did I learn today?  That it could always be worse.

Day 3: The Scary Unknown

I've been dealing with a serious medical issue lately that has been causing me a lot of stress.  I'm uninsured and make too much money to qualify for most medical assistance programs.  So, between medical bills and not knowing exactly what's wrong with me, I've been pretty stressed out.  Last night, I was in a great deal of pain and barely made it through Jordan's birthday celebration with her family (by the way, her birthday is on Friday!).  As soon as presents and cake were done, I was on the couch with an ice pack and pain pills.  Laying there, I started wondering how many doctors and how many tests we were going to need to get conclusive results.  I don't actually care what's wrong with me, I just want the pain to go away.  Through this pondering, I realized that I can't focus on what I don't know -- I have to keep my sights on what I do know.

So here's what I know:

1. Blood tests have confirmed that it is an organ, but it is not organ function.
2. Swelling and pain on the right side directly below the ribs narrows our selection down to 4 organs: kidney, gall bladder, appendix, or spleen.
3. Elevated white blood count indicates infection (which is better than loss of function).
4. No rash on my body rules out Shingles.
5. My doctor is on my side and is doing everything she can to help me get answers.

Last night, I had to keep telling myself, I know ALL of those things, that means we're better off than we were two weeks ago.  I still don't have answers and I'm still in a lot of pain, but we're getting somewhere.  We have direction and a game plan.

Sometimes life is a little bit like going to the doctor.  You never know what you're going to get.  Sometimes they know exactly what is wrong, give you a pill and you're all better.  Sometimes things are good.  Sometimes, they aren't.  And sometimes, you don't have very many answers.  In those times, it can be very frustrating to keep your sights on what you do know.  Believe me, these last two weeks have been awful!  Sometimes we have to hurt of a while before we can get to the bottom of things though.  Maybe hurting makes us stronger, which is why we have to go through it.  Maybe digging for answers and advocating for ourselves makes us better people.  And maybe we just have to learn to be okay with the unknown.

I don't know when I'll have answers or how long I'll be in pain, but I'm trusting my doctor to take good care of me.  I'm trusting my mom to keep pushing for answers.  I'm trusting my wife to keep holding my hand through all of this.  And I'm trusting myself to hang in there through the pain and stress.

Let go of your unknown, whatever it is, and trust the people around you and YOURSELF enough to get through it...because you CAN do it!

Day 2: Show Me

There was an extremely thought provoking comment left on my last post.  (If you'd like to read the entire post and/or comment, click here).  The part of the comment I want to focus on today is going to take us down a road I really tend to avoid on this blog for two reasons.  1. My mother reads my blog -- my actual, biological mother.  2. The pain has just begun to heal within the last year...it's still quite traumatic for me to blog about, for both my mother an myself.  If you haven't guessed by now, I'm going to be talking about the woman that put me on this earth.

The part of the comment from the last post I want to focus on is this:

"As you become responsible for more lives, animal or human, your ability to be daring will diminish.  With each life looking to you for its stability and security you have to put the means of providing these things for that life ahead of your own desires, even if that means only going out on calm waters.  It comes down to the difference between the right to risk yourself and the obligation not to risk someone else, particularly if they are in any way unable to fully understand or accept the risk."

I spent about 6 years of my life thinking that my mom was a horrible person.  She's going to read that statement 17 times and cry every single time.  It's no secret, but it will still hurt her to hear directly.  For that, mom, I'm sorry.  But here, in this place, I am real and honest and sharing the truth isn't always pleasant.  6 years.  She spent those same 6 years kicking herself every single day for not being involved in my life.  Of course, she didn't realize we would not speak for 6 years once she made her decision on my living arrangements.  She also wasn't aware of the slander that would occur from other parties involved.  But mom and I don't dwell too much on the past anymore because we are both aware of the toll that will take on our emotions. After those 6 years, she spent about 2 years thinking that I had poor judgment and was in an unhealthy relationship that was taking me down a dark road.  Then about a year ago, we both woke up and realized that we don't know anything about each other and we should just stop hurting a complete stranger.  What did that look like for us?  Several awkward dinners where we ate in public with very few words.

Then finally it all came out...

We found out that words that had been relayed between the two of us had been slurred and that our judgment was based on nothing more than the lies of a self-centered couple that I am ashamed to call my father and step-mother.  (I know, you're all reading this statement and hoping that I didn't just say that on a public forum... please fell free to read this post ...and perhaps, one day, I will share more about them on here).  Mom will be upset that I said that.  She doesn't like for us to badmouth my dad.  He had no problem badmouthing her.

I found out that she wasn't as horrible as I was told.  I found out that she wasn't a liar or any of the other words she was called which are not appropriate for the web.  And she found out that I wasn't all that bad either.  And that Jordan really isn't a bad person...they actually get along REALLY well!

So mom and I decided to start our relationship over completely.  Here's a few things that I've learned through that process:

1. My mother would do things differently, given a second chance.
2. She has more love, care, and respect for me than any person I know.
3. She is a good person.

The reason the comment above struck a chord in me is because it talks about putting another life ahead of yours.  Maybe she didn't go about it the right way...maybe she didn't realize that I didn't fully understand the risks involved.  Maybe she should have given me more information about the situation.  However, I think she was TRYING to do the right thing.  What more can I ask of her?  She tried.  She is still trying to recover from it.  And you know what, our relationship sucked for 8 years, but we're growing into ourselves and into each other.  

I'm not completely faultless in the demise of our relationship.  I fought hard and was ADAMANT that she not be allowed to come back into my life.  Mostly because of the horrible things I had heard about her from my father (most of which I have found to be inaccurate). 

We are still working on our relationship, but I like the direction it's going in.  I'm proud of how hard we've worked to get here.

Mom, I love you.  And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to make up for the lost years that we weren't able to share, but I can give you my best for the years we have left.  If you're willing to work, I'm willing to work.  If we can come together and somehow make our two awkward families into one big awkward family, I'll try.  I commit to being as honest as I can be.  I probably won't cry in front of you and you'll probably cry too much in front of me, but I'll look past it, if you will.  I promise to make this a relationship in which we give more than we take.  And we will fight - because I'm your daughter and that's what mothers and daughters do. But we will hug and makeup (and probably still disagree).  I will try to keep you from worrying about me to protect you, but you'll worry anyway.  And when my big girl panties are just TOO big, I'll let you protect me as long as you promise to let me fight my own battles for as long as I can because one thing I've learned in life is that fighting makes you stronger and I need all the strength I can get.  I will show you how to live because I've gotten pretty good at it.  And you can show me how to grow because that's what I need from you. We will share joy and misery, good days and bad days.  I will become who I am and I will hope that you love that about me, but you already do, don't you?  And...

We will love each other unconditionally.  

When it comes down to it, that's all we really wanted from one another, right?

"There is relief in sharing your life with someone else and joy in realizing that in our sharing, we won't crumble."  -TWLOHA

Day 1: Live and Be Happy

"Who is the happier man: the one who has braved the storm of life or he who has stayed securely on the shore and merely existed?" -Hunter S. Thompson

A few days ago, I was asked by a co-worker "what do you want to do with your life?"  I thought to myself, "I'm doing it!"  But that wasn't my response to her.  Instead I said "Live and be happy."  It's no secret that there have been times when I neither wanted to live nor be happy...so uttering those words were a sincere moment of accomplishment for me.  I'm not sure if the beauty industry will make me happy forever, but for now it does, so I'll keep doing it.  And when it doesn't, I'll stop.

I think dreams are ever changing.  I believe that as we grow and mature, so do our desires and emotions.  What made me happy when I was 7 isn't the same as what makes me happy now; what makes me happy now, may or may not make me happy 10 years from now.  In my young, inexperienced opinion, we have to try something before we decide if it makes us happy.  The problem is, we're often scared to try new things.  When you find a life that fits you comfortably, you don't leave it.  You have a job that pays well, a family that doesn't argue too much, and a home that suits you...why would you strive for happiness when you have everything you need?  It sounds silly when you read that, right?  Everyone should want to be happy!  But consider your life and the things you are doing with it-- have you followed your dreams or merely followed what was practical?

I think Jordan and I are actually really great at doing what makes us happy.  She has a bachelor's degree and could be making a good amount of money doing some 9-5 desk job.  Instead, we choose to live on a tighter budget to allow her to go to graduate school and follow the dream she's always had, to be a counselor.  When I decided I wanted to go to beauty school, there was no discussion about giving up a full scholarship and taking on new debt in its place.  Our conversation went more like this: "Will beauty school make you happy?  Let's do it."  Before moving to Asheville, we had plans to move to Morganton, save a lot of money (because cost of living is SO cheap), and continue living our lives until Jordan was out of school.  We entertained the idea of moving to Asheville for about 10 minutes before we realized that Morganton was no longer an option.  Asheville is where we would be happy...nothing else mattered.

One thing Jordan says to me maybe a little too frequently is, "it's never enough for you, is it?"  Sometimes this is a negative conversation for us, but more often than not, it's something I'm proud of.  I never stop asking for more.  I want more and more out of life the more and more I live it.  A lot of people are frustrated by this, which I don't quite understand.  Why wouldn't you want everything you can get out of life?  What's the harm in asking life for more?  What's the worst it can say?  No?  Well, at least you have answers.  The alternate answer is yes and then you have more!  This is not to say that I'm not grateful for what I have or content with where I am (because I am most certainly both of those things).  I'm merely saying that I want everything I can possibly get out of life: as much experience, happiness, adventure and love that I can find.  You can't have those things when you're living inside of your comfort zone.

When we make decisions based on happiness, society tells us we're being irrational and irresponsible.  You know what, letting each day pass you by without any joy or adventure when it's staring you right in the face sounds more irrational and irresponsible to me.  So, I suppose, to my co-worker I would say, if you aren't happy, move on.  Embrace the possibility of failure and live the life you want to live!  If you aren't happy, find a way to be happy.  Because you owe it to yourself to give everything you have towards living the life you've always imagined.  You owe it to yourself to live and be happy.