A Magical Change

In case you haven't heard, I am moving to Disney World... in two days.  I accepted a position as a part of the Disney College Program (DCP), which you are welcome to Google and find out more about.  It's really an amazing, magical experience and I am incredibly excited for it!  However, there is a question that I keep hearing over and over that I've been wanting to answer and I think the only way to give it the true, thoughtful answer it deserves is here, on this blog.  The question is this:  What are you going to gain from a Disney internship that could possibly be applicable to the rest of your life?  Aren't you a biology major - what does THIS have to do with THAT?   It's truly a valid question.  So, here's my truly valid answer.

Throughout this blog, those of you who have been with me from the beginning have watched me seek something that I have always seen as unattainable.  That something is the word "better."  I've never felt like I could ever be completely "healed" from my mental health disease.  I've always thought I would have to carry pieces of it around with me and, ya know what, I probably will.  That realization alone, is a huge step in getting "better."  Seeking a state of wellness has been so important to me - I've been so focused on it - that I've almost forgotten to live life alongside of it too.  I keep my routine and don't break it for fear of my mental health falling apart.  I'm unwilling to leave my wife and dogs for more than a day or two because they keep me stable.  My job offered financial stability that I was completely scared to step away from.  All of these things that keep me healthy have also kept me from experiencing the life that I was meant to live.  Don't get me wrong, I love my normal, happy, healthy, routine life.  But I'm ready to prove to myself that I can do more.

So, that brings us to where I'm at with the DCP.  It's time for me to prove to myself that I can live a life of adventure and still remain healthy.  I have the tools.  I know I am strong enough. I just have to be brave enough to take the first few steps - the rest will come in strides.  DCP is going to offer me a chance at a college experience that I never had.  It's going to give me time to find who I am as an adult, living a life of wellness.  It's going to prove to me that "better" is attainable.  Something about leaving behind everything that has offered me stability over the last few years makes me feel wildly adventurous and oddly free from my disease.  And frankly, it also scares the shit out of me.  Trust me, I have had my moments in preparing for the move.  I broke down several times over having to find and get acquainted with a new grocery store.  I have stressed over my food allergies more than one can imagine.  I broke down when I dropped the dogs off for haircuts yesterday because Waggers (most amazing groomers in Asheville - I highly recommend them) is so nice and they always say sweet things about our babies.  And I have no idea if I'm packing too much or too little (I doubt I'm packing too little), which I also cried about yesterday.  Change does not come easy and moving away from what you know and love will induce anxiety in even the calmest of folks.  I will be okay.  I will be strong.  I'm ready to start this journey.  And when I'm back in January, we will celebrate my homecoming...and my wellness.

Thank you all for your love and support!  See you in Florida (:

When Love Arrives

A Throughout my time on this blog, I've referred to a very special woman in my life as my "mom."  We have no biological connection, but we have a special bond that can only be explained as a mother-daughter relationship and, in our own way, it works for us.  Mom is a teacher and this time last year she was teaching math in Bahrain.  In case you're unaware, that's on the other side of the world.  Mom went to Bahrain looking for a lot of things.  She was ready for personal and professional change.  She was ready for an adventure.  She was ready to discover something new and exciting.  Sometimes love arrives and we are just supposed to welcome it...I think that's what she did.  When my mom met John, a charming member of the United States Coast Guard, I'm not sure she knew what he was going to become to her or how wonderful he actually was.  All I know is, of all of the things she was looking for in Bahrain, a husband was not really on the list. 

A few months ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table, working on some math homework, texting my mom for help on some of the problems.  When I was finished she said, "Now I have a math problem for you: if you're going to be a big sister in September, how far along am I?"  It was the most incredible news our family could have gotten.  I am her daughter, but she acquired me.  I am hers, but she did not carry me.  She did not watch me grow from infant to adult.  If there's one thing in this world that would make her life matter even more than it already does, it's motherhood.  The chance to bear her own children.  We celebrated!!  

Today, I was able to have breakfast with mom and John one last time before I head off to Disney World to start my own adventure and one last time before she's forbidden to fly for fear of pregnancy complications.  At breakfast I was given a gift.  Mom coolly pulled out a framed photo of the most recent ultra sound and announced baby Veit's gender and name.  The gift was not the photo nor the frame, but rather the name.  Maryam Leah Veit.  In September, my little sister will enter the world.  She will have adoring parents that will teach her to be brave and kind.  She will grow to be strong and imaginative.  She will think for herself.  She will be curious.  She will be beautiful.  She will be perfectly imperfect.  She will be loved far greater than she will ever comprehend.

I still don't have words for how I feel about being apart of baby Mary's name.  I am so incredibly honored!  I never expected to be thought of in that way.  It's a big deal to name a child.  You carry your name with your for the rest of your life.  I hope that I can be everything a good big sister should be for baby Mary.  Even though Mary and I will have no biological connection, and many of you will never understand, we will be every bit as much related as if we were actual sisters.  I am so excited for her to be here!  I am so excited for all that comes along with having a newborn around!!

This September, once again, love will arrive in the lives of my mom and John.  Except this time, it's a little more expected.  Congratulations guys!  You will be the best of parents - you already are!  And Welcome to the world, Maryam Leah Veit!  There are so many people that already love you so much, little princess!

Welcoming Love

"Empathy is about standing in someone else's shoes, feeling with his or her heart, seeing with his or her eyes." -Daniel Pink

I should probably be doing homework right now.  Actually, being just 4 days until I leave for vacation, there's about a million things I should be doing and none of them are blogging.  Yet, here I find myself.  Yearning to pound out my thoughts on this keyboard because there's just so much going on in my head right now.

I worked as an artist at an event today and met some pretty incredible people.  It's interesting how different clients are from counter to counter.  When I moved from my first Estee Lauder counter to my current one in Asheville, I experienced this shift.  My customers were different.  The reasons they came to the counter were all very different.  Today, I experienced that same feeling - the women of Waynesville were different.  What I experienced today was a group of women with an overwhelming sense of loss.  One thing that I've always been very proud of is that my job entails really listening to people - not just hearing them.  Words are so powerful.  And sometimes all we need is for ours to be heard.  So listening to the women of Waynesville, I heard a lot of loss.  But accompanying that, I heard a lot of rejection.

Rejection is something that weighs heavily on me because it hits just a little too close to home.  It's one of my biggest fears.  But it's been following me around for a couple of days.  I had a long conversation with a friend last night that revolved around a theme of rejection.  It weighed heavy on my heart.  Then something interesting came to mind...

What if we showed love for one another merely because we exist in the same space?

No, really.  I mean it.  What if we actively sought positive things to say and think about one another?  What if we lifted one another up, rather than tearing each other down.  On my mental health journey, one thing I had to be very careful about was separating support from sabotage.  Sometimes, you think you're sharing something with another person in order to hear words of encouragement and compassion.  Then they share a similar story.  Next thing you know, you're both dwelling on things that are more than likely out of your control.  That's not support.  Support is when someone says, "Hey, that sucks.  Some sucky things happened in my life too...but we can grow.  We have opportunities that go beyond the bad things that have happened in our lives.  Here, let me help you."

Recovering from rejection isn't easy.  And finding someone to support you through it may be even harder.  So why not skip the whole rejection thing altogether?  Why not just love the people around us.  Why not tear down the walls that separate us rather than the people on the other side of them?

To the women of Waynesville - I heard you, sisters!  I know you've experienced some loss.  Each one of you today made me grateful for something that I still have.  I will think of you often.  But hang in there.  There will be opportunities that you don't want to miss out on.  To the people who have beat down the women of Waynesville - try some love on today.  And to anyone who is reading this that's feeling a sort of loss or rejection - it's okay.  Cry a little.  Take your time.  And when you're ready, lift your eyes.  There is so much beauty around you.  There is hurt here, I know...but there is also love.  When love arrives, welcome it.  And don't close your eyes so tightly that  you miss it.

Personal Satisfaction

"You are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." -Sarah Kay

I know my blogging has been sparse lately.  I've been immersed in my studies.  Working full time and being a full time student has proven to be one of the most rewarding challenges I've ever taken on.  I'm learning so much about myself - my drive and my motivation.  I'm learning about my limits as well.  And I'm learning that no matter what I decide to do with my life, I will help make people better.  I'm not sure where that road will take me yet...but I know that my life will mean something to other people.

This is a concept I had never considered.  My life mattering and making a difference in the world.  In 2011, I didn't think I'd be alive to see that Christmas.  Now, three years later, I'm entertaining the idea of a long and meaningful life.  So now I've found a dilemma...what do to with it?  I didn't think I'd ever have to answer that question.  I've thought long and hard about the question.  My thoughts go back to one of my favorite quotes by Mary Oliver: "What is it you plan to do with this one wild and precious life?" I've found an answer that satisfies me for now.

"I will leave people and places better than I found them." -JS

That answer will change.  A lot.  I'm sure of it.  But for now, I think it's okay.  I'm resting in thoughts of helping others.  I'm working hard at school with the end goal being a fulfilling life.  I'm getting my education for me.  But I'm also getting it for all of the people I could potentially help with my education.  I'm getting it for the people who read my blog and believe in me.  I'm getting it for my moms who are increasingly proud and supportive of me.  I'm getting it for my wife, who is motivated by my willingness to take care of our family financially and better myself while she makes her way through graduate school.  I'm getting it for the people who don't believe in me, to prove that "I can" means "I will."  But most importantly, I'm getting an education because I feel alive again.

If you're looking for a challenge for yourself, think about what you're doing with your life.  Think about your talents and abilities.  How can you use those to better the people and places around you?  How can bettering the people and places around you make you feel alive?

"I want you to know that this world is made out of sugar.  It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it."  -Sarah Kay

Ethnocentrism

This society would consider me somewhat of a humanitarian.  I was discussing this with a friend earlier this week and she said "I just wish I could take everyone in poverty and give them a better life."  Before I say anything more, I need to disclaimer: I am compassionate towards poverty and I do not disregard poverty as a world wide tragedy.   However, is the "wealth" and "opportunity" of America any better than the poverty of other countries?  We are all still miserable.  We have petty complaints that practically ruin our lives.

America.  The great melting pot...recent historians have coined the term "tossed salad" as a more appropriate description.  I call bull.  If we were to take impoverished citizens of Romania and "give them a new life" in America, they would (almost) always be second class citizens.  I live in the south.  When someone comes around that doesn't speak English very well, I watch the people around me roll their eyes and focus all of their attention on the "foreigner."  I hear grumbles and complaints.  Why would we subject someone to that?  How can we say that you can't be happy without money?  Just because they live in a poor country doesn't mean they don't have joy.  Yes, their situation may be more dangerous than ours.  Yes, there are many people who dream of America.  But it is an incredibly ethnocentric (See Mrs. Brasher, I really did pay attention in your class) view to think that all Americans have more fulfilling lives than those of third world countries.

How do we contribute to this?  Stop viewing yourself as entitled.  This world...it owes you NOTHING.  You don't get to make demands of others.   Treat others AND yourself respectfully.  Give without ceasing.  Love everyone.  It's no secret that I am not particularly a "people person."  My friends joke that it's odd that I don't like people because I'm SO good at talking to them.  I'm not.  I'm good at listening.  People like to be listened to.  So do that.  Do something nice for someone.  Be nice to someone.  And let go of your ethnocentrism.

Selflessness: My 2014 Resolution

I saw this quote this week and I resonated with it immensely.  I thought "wow, that describes a lot of my struggles right now."  I'm not good at saying "no."  If someone asks for my help or for a favor, no matter how much I don't want to do it, I usually say yes.  I chalk things up to "earning good karma" or just being a decent human being.  Most of the time I don't get taken advantage of.  I think this is because as helpful as I am, I am also a strong, assertive woman and most of the people in my life know and respect that about me.  However, when I am taken advantage of, I'm always the last to know.  So when I read this poster, I thought "yeah - I can say no.  I have the right to ask for a favor every now and then.  Why don't people do for me what I do for them?  I'm done crossing oceans for people who won't jump puddles for me."  I posted the quote to twitter and a sweet follower reminded me that life just doesn't work this way...

And she's right.

There are people like me for a reason.  Life isn't about give and take.  It's about giving...and when someone gives back, that's special.  That's where you find friends and allies.  We should all be open to giving a little bit of our time and energy to the people around us.  It isn't always easy to sacrifice things that we want or need for the sake of others, but every time we do, we grow a little bit.  I feel like there are a lot more people willing to lend a hand than not.  I also feel like society has made it hard to be brave enough to take that lending hand when we need it.  When did asking for help become a sign of weakness?  When did kindness and friendship become something that was difficult to believe in?

The new year is approaching and I've finally decided on a resolution:  to be more selfless.

I've always been open about my selfishness.  The first time Jordan asked me on a date, one of the first things I said was, "You don't want to date me.  I'm selfish and twisty.  I don't know my own demons, which scares me.  And when it comes down to it, I will always think of myself over others, but I rarely put me first."  I'm not proud of my selfishness, but it's easier to accept if I'm open about it.  Being open also opens the door for people in my life to openly acknowledge when I'm being selfish and help me grow into a better person.  Being honest about my flaws helps remind me that I still have room to grow and progress to make. 

So as I read the above quote again, I'm reminded that crossing oceans is just a part of life.  I should be willing to do it regardless of what will happen to me in return.  And that brings me back to one of my favorite TWLOHA quotes:

I RESOLVE TO BE SELFLESS IN 2014.

Inequality

Dear Ingles Boy,

You and your friend had a discussion last night while I was standing in the check out line.  I wasn't paying attention to your conversation.  I was worried about making sure my produce was bagged separately from my meat.  However, I did catch the tail end of your conversation involving this sentence: "What a faggot."  You did not know that I am gay.  You did not know that I heard you.  Until I spoke up.  I hope you were thoroughly embarrassed when I called over your boss and made you replay your conversation for him.  I hope that you felt ashamed when I asked you to apologize to the people waiting in line behind me for taking up so much of their time over foolishness.  But most importantly, I hope you realize how offensive that can be.  I hope you realize that "faggots" go to the grocery store just like everyone else.  I hope you understand how your words are inappropriate.  And I hope that you NEVER say that word again.

Your words did not bother me.  I've heard it all before.  It's come from the mouths of strangers.  It's come from the mouths of my own friends and family.  Hell, I've even said it a time or two.  Your words, they're nothing new to me.  But for someone else, they could be damaging...life changing.  I was standing up for the young male or female that may walk in next week, hear the same words, and leave feeling unaccepted -- like they'll never be able to express who they truly are because YOU don't have the decency to keep your opinions to yourself.  I was standing up for the principle of equality.

Equality.

Ingles boy, I know you didn't mean to walk into such a mess.  I know that you didn't even think about the words that were coming out of your mouth.  That's exactly why I had to say something.  I hope you'll begin to think before you speak.  I hope you'll be considerate of the differences around you.  I hope you'll pass the message along and that one day, you'll understand the importance of the meaning behind the things you say.

Keep working hard, Ingles boy.  And thank you for keeping my meat and produce separate.