Forgive Yourself

"We all have different reasons for forgetting to breathe." -Andrea Gibson

Last night I spent approximately 3 hours watching grown men pound other grown men into the walls of a hockey arena so hard that you could feel the rattle in your chest.  It was full on brutal body checking.  Body Checking.  My eating disorder has given that word a whole new meaning.  Body checking is the pinching and pulling I do in front on the mirror.  It's standing a certain way or choosing not to breathe because my self worth seems to be completely reliant on a single word: skinny.  Body checking is also the noticing.  The comparing.  Her arms don't do that, her legs have more muscle than mine.  These are thoughts that play over and over in my head.  I don't know how they all got there, but what I realized last night is that my brain and hockey aren't all that different. Every time one of those thoughts comes, it's like being thrown into a wall.  Your emotions run wild and you aren't sure how to respond.  Sometimes you aren't even sure what hit you.

In my experience, eating disorders are greatly misunderstood.  That's why I wanted to explain a little bit about body checking today.  I can't, in a single paragraph, come close to explaining how painful and awful it actually is to notice your and every one around you's bodies every minute of every day.  I simply don't have the words to convey it.  However, I can convey that it hurts and that's a start.  I haven't updated in a while and my intention today was to give a little insight into what's happening in my life.

I'm in a new treatment center.  After multiple attempts at a lower level of aftercare, we realized that I simply wasn't ready to transition to a lower level of care.  I joined the partial hospitalization program at a facility in Raleigh, NC a few weeks ago.  I'm really enjoying the program, as much as one can enjoy treatment.  They certainly push me to my edge, every single day.  It's a very "hands on" program.  You're forced to face your fears nearly every day.

This time in treatment, I have given up my right to sign myself out.  I am sticking it out until my team says it is a good time for me to return home.  I want to be committed to wellness and I know that I am not in a wise mind to make decisions for myself when I get emotional or angry about having to eat something I don't want to eat or talk about a touchy subject.  I am trusting my team to make good decisions for me and have taken the option of quitting off of the table.  I also turned in all of my laxatives and scales.  I have given up a great deal of control, however I would be lying if I said I didn't know my weight.  I was told on accident at the doctor's office prior to admitting at Carolina House and then I weighed myself once after that.  Numbers are hard, especially when they aren't what we're used to seeing.  Being forced to gain weight has been the most difficult part of this process.

I've decided to give up alcohol for the New Year.  One year of sobriety, to see how that impacts my life, my social circle, and my recovery.  I'm excited for the change, but it has been harder than I expected and I wouldn't have considered myself a heavy drinker at all before!  I'm open to any ideas of how to embrace sobriety.

I do want to end this update with a short wisdom.  I'm learning a lot in treatment and right now the biggest lesson I'm having to embrace is this: suspend judgment and forgive yourself often.  We're quick to pass judgement on ourselves.  We put ourselves down for the work we do or the choices we make.  The world does enough to make us feel bad.  Back yourself up every now and then.  Let someone else judge you, you don't have to judge you.  Forgiveness is key to getting back up after we fall.  Mistakes are inevitable.  So when you do make a mistake, get off track, or just can't hold back judgement on whatever you've done, remember to forgive yourself afterwards.  Forgive yourself and then move on.  Reliving whatever horrible thing you've only traps your soul in a space where you can't go on to do beautiful things later.  So just forgive yourself and do it often.

"You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery."