Accepting Normal

"I hated my body when I was overweight, I hated my body when I was underweight, and I hate my body now." I've said this more than once this week and it's something that should be okay to talk about.

I began losing weight because I thought there was something wrong with the way I looked. I thought there was something wrong with me. The size I was wasn't desirable. I didn't like the way certain clothing looked on me. You could forget feeling comfortable in a bathing suit. When I lost weight, not only did things begin to fit better, but the world fit me better. My new body got a lot of attention. Nothing really changed about me, but my life changed a lot. My habits were far from healthy before anyone ever noticed that I had lost too much weight. And even at my lowest weight, I felt much more acceptance and praise than I'd ever felt in my life. I was also the most inauthentic I'd ever been. Maintaining a life and an eating disorder at the same time is exhausting and nearly impossible. As much as I felt like I "fit in," I still wasn't happy.

Now at a normal weight, accepting that this is my normal is really hard. Knowing that this is what my nourished body looks like, this is where my body feels good, well, that's hard to accept. My dietitian can tell me every single day that I'm in a healthy weight range, my friends can tell me I look great, I can tell myself I'm thankful for how well my body is functioning and none of it makes it easier to accept the fact that my body is larger than it was a few months ago and it needs to be that way. However, what I'm working on learning is that skinny doesn't equal fulfilled. No matter what the number on the scale reads, there's still a soul inside of this body that I have to learn to love and care for. No amount of diet pills can slim down your character.

This road is long and this journey has been quite the fight. They tell you that body image is the last thing to go. And I certainly hope that one day I'll be able to live in this body without hatred or disgust. But for just this week, I'm resolving to be thankful for making it this far and for all of the supports that have helped carry me when I thought I couldn't go any further. It's been a really hard week. Sometimes I think it's okay to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to take a break and just breathe. That's my week - breathing and being thankful.

"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." -Najwa Zebian