We all pretend for a while or a lifetime. But pretending is not living. I believe that life was meant to take our breath away, sometimes because of the sheer joy of it all and sometimes because of the severe pain. To choose living over pretending means that we will know both.
Being blind to the world means never feeling. Being blind to our feelings means never living. You can pretend that everything is okay, but that doesn't fulfill you. I met a woman that I believe pretended that she loved her life. She looked happy to all of her friends and family, but she was so broken down and it hurt my heart to see how scared she was to let the world see the real her. She once said, "For some reason, every time we have a social function in our home, the girls always end up talking about the spinach dip. So and so's recipe is just to die for! I don't give a damn about the spinach dip!!" Her frustration seems invalid...it's just food. But it wasn't the spinach dip that actually frustrated her. It was the pain of the mundane life she's been stuck in. She was in a rut. Nothing gave her pleasure anymore. Her life didn't turn out the way she wanted...and now she's been living it for so long that she doesn't know how to do anything else. This woman just wanted purpose...purpose beyond making great spinach dip.
Ignoring unhappiness doesn't make it go away. And you can only pretend to be happy for so long. Everyone wants a purpose. As humans, we have an innate desire to accomplish. When we run out of things to accomplish, we search for something else. When you're blind to the world, that something else can be nearly impossible to find. When you're blind to your feelings, your accomplishments are meaningless. Opening your eyes to both the world and your heart means that you will have to face many challenges - it also means that you can experience the joys of the world.
Start small. Just acknowledge one little thing today. My eyes opened slowly. Hell, they're still opening! I still struggle with it. It started with one little feeling for me. I woke up, and for no reason, I felt really angry. I was just SO mad. I didn't know why and I wasn't mad at anyone in particular. I was just angry. I was acknowledging a feeling that was inside me and had been buried in there for God knows how long, which allowed me to heal. It takes time and it's a grueling process. But feel one thing that you've been neglecting. Just allow yourself to hurt for 5 minutes. Then as a reward, allow yourself to enjoy something for 5 minutes. Take a walk or listen to your favorite song. Grab some frozen yogurt or a cookie from your favorite bakery. Make the reward worth the pain. If it was a particularly difficult day, treat yourself to a bubble bath and a glass of wine. Whatever helps you relax, feel happy, and most importantly, at peace.
You don't have to live blindly. Life can take your breath away again. But healing is a process.
"Happiness is a direction, not a destination."
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