Last week was the worst week I've had in terms of recovery since leaving treatment. I was very honest with my treatment team about what was going on and how hard the week had been and how much I messed up. I have a pretty firm team and while they were grateful for the honesty, they all had the same question: What's it going to take to get you back on track? How can we make this a lapse in judgment and not a relapse into the eating disorder? In a later conversation, I was reminded of the anniversary of my step-father's death. It's coming and it's coming fast. I remembered how comforting this blog was to me and my family and to so many of those around us in that time. That spurred some reflection. Not so coincidentally, I found that almost any time I needed an outlet, support, understanding, or to feel like I could make a small difference in the world, this blog has been there for me. I've been feeling like I can't be successful in recovery lately. Like it's too hard or that I'm a hopeless cause. So it's clear to me that it's time to make time.
There's a poem I like called "Any Reason Not To" and in the poem, the poet says "because any reason not to is a good reason." I don't know that I can write my way through every single moment of weakness, but if this blog can be my "reason not to" even just once, then it's a skill that's worked.
So for today, I just want to tell you a story.
Last week, while at work, I met quite the quirky woman. She was tall with gray hair and a whimsical spirit. She was sitting in my makeup chair and we were discussing the importance of sunscreen when she announced that while she agreed sunscreen was important, it wasn't a priority for her. I didn't question it, I just kept working. But then she said, "I'm not worried about sunscreen because I look really great in hats! I love to wear a big floppy hat or something sassy. And I look so good in them." I was immediately drawn to her. This seemed so brave to me. A woman who wasn't movie star beautiful, a size 00, or the CEO of a company just complimented herself...to a stranger. And she meant it. She appreciated something about herself and was completely comfortable with saying it out loud.
As a society, we hate ourselves far too much. There's not enough encouraging self talk and far too much criticism. We create these standards and make beauty this unattainable thing, when in reality, the beauty we all hold is in the parts of us that are already there, not the things we want to change. So, in sticking with this "any reason not to" theme - what if we found any reason not to put ourselves down? What if we dug deep and searched for any reason not to compare our thigh fat to the model on the cover of a magazine's thigh gap? What if we just embraced any reason not to hate our bodies? What if we just loved ourselves...and what if we took that one step further and actually said the things we loved about ourselves and each other OUT LOUD?
This idea of spreading self-love, self-appreciation, and self-acceptance can't hurt us, so why not try?
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