Life After Death - A Memorial

Today is the one year anniversary of my step father's death.  Approximately a year ago, I posted the things that I learned from him in his final days.  As it turns out, I haven't actually stopped learning lessons from the guy.  And that's what I want to share with you today.

1. Do something different.

I watched my mom spend a little bit of time being really really heartbroken.  And then I watched her change.  She didn't know what was right or what was wrong, all she knew was that she needed something different because what she was doing wasn't working.  She signed up for a pottery class, took a trip to somewhere she'd never been, started doing home improvement projects.  Anything that made her feel good, she kept doing.  If it made her feel bad, she moved on to something else.  I'm not sure why we wait until we're miserable to make a change.  We can decide that we want to do something different simply because we want to or because we believe that happiness exists and that we aren't doomed to mediocrity.  So try it.  Whatever it is that you've been thinking about, do it.  And whatever that thing is in your life that you dread doing every day or week or month...just stop.  Give yourself permission to excuse yourself from unwanted tasks.

2. It's okay to be selfish, just not all the time.

We all needed different things when Tim passed.  Some of us wanted space.  Some of us wanted family.  Some of us wanted to be near the things that remind us of him while others wanted to be as far away as possible.  There were those who needed to be reminded every day that he'll never be forgotten while others wanted the thoughts of him to quiet down for just a few minutes.  The fact of the matter is, we all deal with grief differently.  And we all have to deal with our grief.  It was important to know when it's your turn.  Being selfish is completely fine.  You deserve it.  Whether you're the widow or a third cousin's friend, you get to grieve.  But also know that, through this process, you can gain so much from other's grief too.  We were stronger together.  And allowing one another to process what they needed when they needed, kept us strong.

3. Don't show up alone.

My mom has been so brave this year.  It has been incredible to watch her heal (she's still in the process, but every day is progress for her).  I wrote her a letter 3 days after his passing about how important it is to continue to show up for life, even when she doesn't feel like it.  But what I've learned from her is how much strength it takes to say "I can't show up alone today."  You guys, she's really so strong.  She wakes up every day and puts on a suit of armor and goes out to fight life like a badass, then she comes home, takes it all off and still makes time to check in about how my day is going.  She's been stubborn and independent her whole life and she's not the type of person that takes no for an answer.  To watch someone like that do that every day, one day wake up and say "today I need help," well, it's beautiful.  Seeing a strong person admit their vulnerability gave me hope.  It reminded me that it's okay to not be okay.  And I realized what I didn't know a year ago is that, while my mom has it in her to show up, she should never be expected to show up alone.  Show up, do.  But take your supports into battle with you.  If you forget your shield that day, ask if you can borrow theirs.  Let them support you.  Let them keep you safe.  Maybe the next day you'll feel strong enough to fight alone, but if you don't that's okay too.

I'm really proud of my family for this past year for various reasons, but I'm not sure this post would be complete without taking just a minute to remember what we lost.  This will be a hard day for so many people.  I have so much respect for my sisters, who have exhibited an immense amount of strength through this loss.  For their children, who keep his memory alive.  For friends and family from all around the world who never stopped sending cards, checking in with phone calls, or even writing books about how incredible he was.  From our family to yours, thank you.  We love you.  And we appreciate all you've done to support us this year.